Living with someone advice/If your SO wanted to live with someone of opposite sex..

[CaliTerp07]

This sounds like an absolutely terrible idea imo, and it sounds like your friend does not value/respect his girlfriend at all. If my husband had told (told!) me he was moving in with an ex girlfriend/close girlfriend/someone he was attracted to while we were dating, the relationship would have been over. That's extremely hurtful to me

You live in a city of millions of people, and this guy is the only one who would make a good roommate? And only if it was just the two of you? I think his girlfriend has every right to be worried/upset/hurt.

 

[sparks19]

Honestly? This sounds like a pretty bad idea - not even just living with a guy that you have a close bond with and some kind of (however distant) romantic history with - but his GF is ALREADY mad about it.

And the fact that he's showing YOU her text messages and discussing her stance on this with you seems totally inappropriate. I can understand him saying "My GF is a unsure/a little uncomfortable with us moving in together, do you think you could hang out with her so she feels better about it?" but how she feels about that is between HER and HIM and it sounds like you're already getting dragged into it. It's his job as her BOYFRIEND to make her comfortable with his situation and give her reasons to trust him, it is NOT your job as the roommate, and I would straight up tell him that. Say you're willing to hang out with both of them or explain your friendship to her, but past that, you don't want to be involved.

I lived with one single male roommate, who already had a girlfriend when we moved in together. But we weren't really friends, and we never had any kind of history. We didn't hang out together, save for special occasions with a group of people.

I know sometimes people can live with close friends successfully, or even past romantic partners successfully, or someone who's SO already dislikes them (rarely), but the combination just sounds hard to pull off - and the couple is already bringing you into the middle of their drama.

She probably doesn't know that you were sex buddies, that just adds to the whole "setting a situation up for failure."

And with him not caring about her feelings about the situation.... Well, I'm pretty sure I'd be back to single at this point. I've dated enough losers to not care anymore. If a guy blatantly doesn't care about my feelings and is basically saying he has no long term plans with me by setting up this type of situation, I'd be looking for someone else.

Every time I see these types of situations pop up with friends or other people I am reminded of how much I LOVE my SO.

Both of these posts... So much. Not even moved in and DRAMA!!!!! Yeah, no thanks.

 

[AdrianneIsabel]

I worry about living with a guy who treats his girl, as such. People who treat their significant others badly tend to show that treatment throughout the rest of their life as well given the chance. It rarely makes life peaceful and pleasant. (Edited to avoid sharing a story that could hurt people)

 

[sparks19]

This sounds like an absolutely terrible idea imo, and it sounds like your friend does not value/respect his girlfriend at all. If my husband had told (told!) me he was moving in with an ex girlfriend/close girlfriend/someone he was attracted to while we were dating, the relationship would have been over. That's extremely hurtful to me

You live in a city of millions of people, and this guy is the only one who would make a good roommate? And only if it was just the two of you? I think his girlfriend has every right to be worried/upset/hurt.

Agree with this as well. 100%

The issue is not the GF's IMO. With his treatment of her I can see exactly why she has an issue with it.

 

[Fran101]

Based on how he treats his GF, I don't think *I'd* want to live with him. Reminds me too much of an ex that went psycho-control freak on me once he felt he had the upper hand. I still look at my life and sigh a breathe of relief that I don't have to deal with it anymore.

Being a good boyfriend to this girl on this occasion =/= being a good friend.
We have been friends for years.. he is one of the most stable, kind, friendly people I know.
Him loving this girl is hardly the issue. I am no expert on their relationship but frankly, I do know HIM and he is not a bad guy.

and Psycho control freak LOL hardly. when did he try to control anyone??
I mean, I can see how this doesn't paint the prettiest picture.. but because he spoke to his friend about his miffed girlfriend (and ya, shared some personal texts) and didn't factor in his girlfriend of 4 months into a major life decision like moving and changing cities...I don't think that means he's this horrible person :rofl1:

Bad boyfriend? Maybe. But I am not signing up to be his girlfriend.
We have known each other for years and he has proven to never be anything less than a good solid friend.

 

[Xandra]

Sometimes people think of their friends and boyfriend/girlfriend toootttallly differently. Like one is kinda there for sex and to do courtship activities with, and the other is a legit friend and is treated like any of us treats their friends (not sure what the case is here, just saying). THat doesn't make them devilspawn, control-freaks, misogynists etc lol .


This isn't Fran's problem. You guys want to move in together, go for it. If she's hurt, well, good thing she knows now where she is on his priority list vs in a year.


Going to dinner seems like the best drama-reduction strategy. I say, go, paint your pottery... make some jokes, you're good at that. Then it will be over, anddd you've done your part.

 

[AdrianneIsabel]

I say do it, of you want, I don't think it's a horrible choice but I wouldn't be blind to the issues that came arise.

I have lived with guys who treat their girls badly and they still make great friends. On of which, he grew up eventually but I would be lying if his behavior (and not just his, again we were in Greek life: fraternity's abound) didn't transfer into his interactions with friends or put friends in numerous awkward and dramatic situations due to his choices.

 

[xpaeanx]

Fran, people change once you get to a certain level of closeness. And it's a level you might not see as a friend, but living with him may change that.

The way he is treating his gf is a reflection of who he is. Remember that.

An I didn't say *he* was a control freak, I said he reminded me of one of my exes. Sweetest man I ever met, got me completely, we agreed on EVERYTHING. He was going through a divorce at the time and the way he talked about his ex reflected what you said. Once we moved in together.... Well, now I understand why she left him. This is not a situation *I* would move into. The way he is acting doesn't reflect well on him IMO. I could be his friend, but I couldn't live with him. You are not me though, you don't have to have my hesitations... but you did start a thread on this topic. I was just giving my point of view on it.

 

[Fran101]

I worry about living with a guy who treats his girl, as such. I lived with a guy who treated his girl like crap, he's also a guy who tried more than once to take advantage of a drunken night. It was awkward because he was a good friend of Denis' and his girl was my best friend. People who treat their significant others badly tend to show that treatment throughout the rest of their life as well given the chance.

Oh lord.

He does NOT treat his girlfriend like crap.
They are in love. He treats her well.

I am showing you guys ONE INSTANCE (and one side) of a very high stress situation where yes, he dropped the ball. That is not a horrible psycho boyfriend make :rofl1:
I do think he handled all this poorly. But they are GOOD together.

I have known him for YEARS. Trust me on this one. He isn't a bad guy.

He works at a children's hospital for goodness sakes people! Works with SICK CHILDREN.
He lets them paint his nails!
He loves Merlin
He has taken care of me in a state of black out drunk on more than one occasion and has held me while I sobbed on more than one occasion.

can we not turn this into a "is he a psychopath should we move in.." thing lol he is a fine person.

This is just an issue.

 

[AdrianneIsabel]

I lived with a guy* who treated his girl like crap.

He's also a good guy, he's actually with that girl now, she stuck it out and they're happy now as far as I can tell. He was a fine roommate, his actions did bring a fair amount of drama though. Cheating, arguing, crying on the porch, venting in the hallway, typical college stuff.

Take it as you see but I didn't say your friend is a bad guy nor does he treat his girl like crap but for what it's worth IMO if he's showing texts, talking behind her back, not including her in important decisions, and seemingly disregarding her emotions on this subject then yes, that to me is crappy.

 

[~Dixie's_Mom~]

For the record I don't think he sounds like a bad guy at all! But I do see his girlfriend's side (and it seems like you do, too). I wouldn't do it, but that's irrelevant because it has to do with the fact that I won't live with a man that isn't related to me until I'm married to them. But TONS of people live with friends of opposite gender with no issues whatsoever, and it seems to me like you guys are great friends! I have several friends who live/have lived with guy friends and there were no issues or lines crossed.

 

[Linds]

Oooh Chaz, only you could go from "Showed me her texts" to "Psycho control freak RUN!" yes I am aware I'm exaggerating it a bit

I can totally get how she is uncomfortable with this and I can totally see how you're just confused by why she is.

I say see how the dinner goes and hope for the best. Maybe you'll end up with a new best girlfriend from it and he'll be wishing he never introduced you two. No sense angsting about it before. I think painting pottery and eating sounds like a smashing night so I hope regardless you all have fun and her mind is put to ease!

And I also wish you goodluck with your new roommate! I want a built in geek out buddy please and thank you!

 

[sparks19]

Oh lord.

He does NOT treat his girlfriend like crap.
They are in love. He treats her well.

I am showing you guys ONE INSTANCE (and one side) of a very high stress situation where yes, he dropped the ball. That is not a horrible psycho boyfriend make :rofl1:
I do think he handled all this poorly. But they are GOOD together.

I have known him for YEARS. Trust me on this one. He isn't a bad guy.

He works at a children's hospital for goodness sakes people! Works with SICK CHILDREN.
He lets them paint his nails!
He loves Merlin
He has taken care of me in a state of black out drunk on more than one occasion and has held me while I sobbed on more than one occasion.

can we not turn this into a "is he a psychopath should we move in.." thing lol he is a fine person.

This is just an issue.

Wait... Now they are in love? You just said it wasn't serious enough to consult her on every lofe issue like changing cities or female roommates because they'd only been together 4 months.

Are they in LOVE or are they not serious?

I am IN LOVE with Brian, if he jad any reservations I would not be all "well it's happening so I don't care what he thinks". I CARE WHAT HE THINKS ALWAYS because I love him and I know he loves me. Would he force me to do something? No, because he loves me. Would I do something no matter his feelings? NO because I LOVE HIM.

He doesn't love her. There is no way. Not with the way it is phrased here.... "It's happening no matter what"

I mean, you do whatever you need to do but don't be surprised if it becomes a lot of drama. It's already drama and it hasn't even happened yet.

And wasn't it just yesterday you were pretty sure you were moving into a 5 person house? Now this new thing is set in stone already with GF drama? Take some time!!!

 

[Airn]

I've never lived with a roomate that wasn't related to me or dating me. :rofl1:
It's obvious you can understand her side and that you are this Bob fellow are close friends.

Could it cause tension on their relationship (and maybe your's)? Of course.
But I don't see how you would be able to find ANY roommate that wouldn't have baggage. People like to avoid drama but there's really not a way to be completely drama free.

If you feel comfortable enough with this guy to live with him and co-exist happily, do it.

I think you're just frustrated that she feels the need to 'get to know' you. But, suck it up. You can do it. A pottery dinner is not that bad. It's a couple hours, max. I bet it's going to be worse for the guy!

Not going to comment on the relationship because... well that's a tiny sliver of information you've given us and I don't think he is a bad guy or bad boyfriend. People have some weirddddd relationships and his is definitely not the oddest I've heard of (My SO is an ass to anyone but me. That's the way he is. He's not aware of how ass-y he can be unless I mention something about it.)

Being in a relationship does not mean you are an extension of that person. I support my SO but he can do/say things I do not agree with. We're not always 100%. Maybe Bob is a bit more concerned with his own life right now than THEIR life. I don't think there's anything wrong with that, personally.

Just be nice and consider everyone's feelings, but do what you want/think is right. If your relationship with Bob is as dull as you say it is, there should be no issues with the GF once she has met you and understands you and Bob are JUST FRIENDS. If that critically damages their relationship... well it seems like he put himself in that position.

People are just trying to protect you. I don't think they mean to insult your buddy

 

[Shai]

Wow this thread blew up... /states the obvious


Anyway, regardless of their relationship, to me the main thing is -- is their relationship going to cause issues with your roommate relationship. If you guys move in and two months later she puts her foot down and says "her or me" are you going to find yourself without a roommate, possibly without housing again?

And while you don't need to answer this question here of course, just something to consider is -- is your boyfriend cool with this (if you are in a place where that sort of thing is a consideration, that is)?

Is there any neutral third you could add to your housing group and try for a 3-bedroom setup to kind of chill everyone (read: his girlfriend) out?

However it all works out, I hope for the best for everyone involved. Especially you, of course

 

[Beanie]

Honestly if she insists on meeting you I am almost positive she knew you guys had a sexual relationship. Regardless if you were serious or just *$%& buddies that puts you in the "ex-girlfriend" quadrant and while I have no issues with my SO maintaining friendships with ex-girlfriends I would have a SERIOUS issue with him moving in with one, just the two of them (and even more of an issue with him telling me he was doing it and it wasn't even a point of discussion no matter how I felt, but obviously I have issues with men telling their ladies "this is what's happening regardless of your feelings.")

I know you think this won't be drama between the two of you, but it already is and you haven't even moved in yet. He's BRINGING you the drama by showing/reading you her texts - and oh boy, I can't wait until he accidentally brings that up or she somehow finds out by a slip of the tongue in conversation that he's been reading her text messages to you. She really won't like you then.
If you think you won't have to deal with her just because she won't be staying overnight and lives a few cities away, you're kidding yourself, unless you are counting on them breaking up - which by your argument that they are great together doesn't sound like you are.
If she wants to MAKE this a big deal, it can certainly be a big deal.

Anyway, regardless of their relationship, to me the main thing is -- is their relationship going to cause issues with your roommate relationship. If you guys move in and two months later she puts her foot down and says "her or me" are you going to find yourself without a roommate, possibly without housing again?

This, definitely.


I'm not exactly trying to talk you out of it but I think instead of saying it's already a done deal - which it's not since you don't have a place picked out yet - you should both reconsider if this is really the best solution for everybody involved.

 

[Paige]

I say enjoy the dinner, have a laugh and if you two want to be roommates move in together. I am sure it will be alright once she realizes it is in fact Platonic.

Am I the only one who would not be bothered about a spouse living with a previous sexual partner?

 

[k9krazee]

And while you don't need to answer this question here of course, just something to consider is -- is your boyfriend cool with this (if you are in a place where that sort of thing is a consideration, that is)?

That would be my question too...especially after you said that your bf wanted you to move in with him & you weren't comfortable doing that.

I would not be comfortable living with bob, especially because it upsets his gf and the potential for further drama is there...and I wouldn't want to be in her shoes either. I would never want my SO to live with a former SO/fling/friend w/benefits. It's a situation, IMO, that lends itself to failure/stress/tension of all of the relationships in question

 

[Greenmagick]

If I were the GF, I would want to be cool with it, but likely just wouldnt be.

 

[Airn]

I say enjoy the dinner, have a laugh and if you two want to be roommates move in together. I am sure it will be alright once she realizes it is in fact Platonic.

Am I the only one who would not be bothered about a spouse living with a previous sexual partner?

You wouldnt have an issue with your husband living with an ex?