Living with someone advice/If your SO wanted to live with someone of opposite sex..

Discussion in 'The Fire Hydrant' started by Fran101, Apr 28, 2013.

  1. Fran101

    Fran101 Resident fainting goat

    Joined:
    Oct 12, 2008
    Messages:
    12,548
    Likes Received:
    0
    Trophy Points:
    0
    Location:
    Boston
    I am moving in with a close friend, we will call him Bob.
    Bob & I have been friends since freshman year of college, we like to geek out together, it was romantic for a little while early on but hasn't been since.
    Recently, he got transfered to Boston, I am looking to move & live here and we decided we would live together! Which is great, except his girlfriend (who lives a few towns away) isn't too happy.. she wants to meet me and she isn't too happy with the whole thing.

    so...
    1) any advice on living with a boy? /any roommate?
    and
    2) If you were dating a person, would you CARE that they lived with a person of the oposite sex?

    I just don't get it. My BF shares a lovely 3 bedroom condo with a girl and a guy and I DO NOT CARE. I mean, he is around girls all the time.. if I didn't trust him, I wouldn't be with him. You know? So I just don't get it.. but he wants me to be more understanding and like, have dinner with her and meet her and put her mind at ease.. I just think the whole thing is ridiculous.

    Anyway...we get along, we are friends, have similar schedules/ideas, great house rules already agreed on.. but any advice on living with him? lol I've never lived with a boy or anyone else before! well, long term anyway.
    Any general roommate advice?
     
  2. AdrianneIsabel

    AdrianneIsabel Glutton for Crazy

    Joined:
    Aug 29, 2010
    Messages:
    8,893
    Likes Received:
    0
    Trophy Points:
    0
    Occupation:
    2 Pit bulls and 2 Malinois, We like to stay busy.
    Location:
    Portland, Oregon
    Home Page:
    I would be uncomfortable if my boyfriend lived with a girl alone. I have however lived with him and several guys and girls. I honestly know what can happen with a drunken night and I'm not comfortable setting up the bonding that close quarters can lead to.

    Everyone is different but out of respect for my boyfriend I wouldn't do it.

    Oh and after having lived with three guys, three guys and two girls, and then two more times with just 1 girl + the boyfriend and I, it's really no different from living with girls as far as day to day interactions.
     
  3. Fran101

    Fran101 Resident fainting goat

    Joined:
    Oct 12, 2008
    Messages:
    12,548
    Likes Received:
    0
    Trophy Points:
    0
    Location:
    Boston
    I've never lived with anyone at all (other than renting a room) but nothing like this where it's very shared and just two people.
    I am trying to think of good rules.. like labeling food? chore chart?

    As for the moving in thing..it's already totally happening. Right now it's just an issue of me meeting the girl/putting her mind at ease but either way, he is moving in. I just don't really get why she is so upset.. I guess that makes a bit more sense. but even drunk, I don't think anything would happen. We have been WASTED around each other before.

    We are already quite close.. but it's not romantic. We like netflix and movie nights and we do TV marathons and things that like. It's all very nerdy lol not too hot and heavy.
     
  4. Shai

    Shai & the Muttly Crew

    Joined:
    Dec 14, 2009
    Messages:
    6,216
    Likes Received:
    0
    Trophy Points:
    0
    I haven't had to do that so I don't really know how I would react. I mean we're pretty secure in our relationship...we have to be. He works with mostly women, I work with almost exclusively men, and I travel all over the place with those guys. I guess if I bothered me *that* much I'd be trying to figure out a way for us to live together, not just imposing restrictions.

    That said I had an especially good guy friend in college, starting our first year. We got along really well and hung out a lot, a lot of overnighters especially on projects (we had some shared classes), etc. If it is possible for a relationship to be extremely platonic then ours was. He was still dating a girl from high school who was going to college in another part of the country and she pretty much quietly freaked out about it. I didn't realize this until she came to see him at school our third year and insisted we all go out to dinner so she could meet me (note: I was also dating my future husband at the time...lol). Her greeting was like this huge fake teethy smile and a giant bear hug and basically acting like we had been BFFs since nursery school. It was incredibly awkward lol.
     
  5. AdrianneIsabel

    AdrianneIsabel Glutton for Crazy

    Joined:
    Aug 29, 2010
    Messages:
    8,893
    Likes Received:
    0
    Trophy Points:
    0
    Occupation:
    2 Pit bulls and 2 Malinois, We like to stay busy.
    Location:
    Portland, Oregon
    Home Page:
    Everyone is different but add some stress, booze, relaxation, intimate bonding of close quarters and well... it can happen easily.

    Just something to be aware of, keep yourself and him respectful and avoid situations that would make significant others uncomfortable.

    As for food we just went on honesty. Some we shared but if it wasn't expressed we didn't take other people's food. As for bathroom supplies we all pitched in and traded off buying, same goes for cleaning.

    We tried to be respectful of sleep times but we were all in college so many nights resulted in midnight snacks and bonding on the floors.

    Honestly we had a blast but it also tried friendships, a lot. We lost the closeness with two of them and two of them remained just as strong. Of course that can be expected with any prolonged closeness.
     
  6. skittledoo

    skittledoo Crazy naked dog lady

    Joined:
    Sep 27, 2007
    Messages:
    13,667
    Likes Received:
    5
    Trophy Points:
    38
    Gender:
    Female
    Occupation:
    Dog Trainer CPDT-KA
    Location:
    Fredericksburg
    I can see where the girl is coming from tbh.

    That said, I think it depends on the two people involved in the relationship. Part of it is trust obviously, but some people just wouldn't care and others would be uncomfortable. I don't think there is anything wrong with her feeling that way if that's how she chooses to feel.

    I would definitely be uncomfortable. If my guy lived in a co-ed household with multiple people it wouldn't bother me so much, but my guy living with one girl and no one else might make me a little uneasy. Don't know that I would make a big stink about it, but I definitely wouldn't be comfortable with it.

    As for living with roommates in general. Definitely label any food that you don't want eaten by roommates. A chore chart sounds like a good idea. We didn't have a chore chart in my past roommate situations and it led to resentment on both ends when the other person didn't help out enough.
     
  7. AdrianneIsabel

    AdrianneIsabel Glutton for Crazy

    Joined:
    Aug 29, 2010
    Messages:
    8,893
    Likes Received:
    0
    Trophy Points:
    0
    Occupation:
    2 Pit bulls and 2 Malinois, We like to stay busy.
    Location:
    Portland, Oregon
    Home Page:
    It bothers me a bit to presume that trust can withstand anything but the reality is that every relationship can only be taxed so much before it begins to faultier, this is why it's understood that relationships take work and warding instead of merely faith and trust.
     
  8. *blackrose

    *blackrose "I'm kupo for kupo nuts!"

    Joined:
    May 11, 2010
    Messages:
    7,061
    Likes Received:
    3
    Trophy Points:
    38
    Occupation:
    2 dogs (and 3 half dogs and a half cat)
    Location:
    Mississippi
    For a short period of time, my boyfriend and my friend (who is a girl) lived together. They had lived together before we started dating...she was actually the one who introduced us.

    I was okay with it, but it was because a.) She was my friend and I trusted her, and b.) I trusted him when he said she was not his type. They *did* have a few "moments", I suppose. They shared the same bed (non-sexually) when he was in need of comfort and he undressed her and helped her into the shower and into some clean clothes when she was drunk out of her mind, but it was purely as friends. They had a brother/sister relationship and that was fine.

    So if his girlfriend wants to meet you to help her feel more comfortable...I don't see what the issue is. I would expect that if Mike were going to room with any female that I didn't know, he would make sure I was 100% comfortable with it, or he would not room with her. And I would as sure as hell want to meet her before hand.

    I do know I would not be happy if he roomed with an ex-girlfriend. At all.
     
  9. xpaeanx

    xpaeanx Active Member

    Joined:
    Jul 10, 2008
    Messages:
    8,387
    Likes Received:
    1
    Trophy Points:
    38
    Location:
    Long Island, NY
    This.

    Also, he isn't just moving in with some random girl that needed a roommate to make rent affordable. He's moving in with a girl he already has a close bond with AND there are no other people involved. That situation is something that I would consider a setup for failure.

    I can totally understand her side. And honestly, she's being much calmer than I would if I were her.
     
  10. Fran101

    Fran101 Resident fainting goat

    Joined:
    Oct 12, 2008
    Messages:
    12,548
    Likes Received:
    0
    Trophy Points:
    0
    Location:
    Boston
    I just don't WANNA! :rofl1:
    in seriousness..I just don't want to sit and have dinner with this girl. Like, what is there to talk about? I don't even know what to wear or what to say! I already know from him that she hates the idea, I have seen the text messages to him and I feel like this is just going to be awkward.

    I don't plan on taxing their relationship! I just feel like she should be talking to him.. not me!

    I can see why should would be uncomfortable, I really can. I mean I never really thought about the difference between a one-on-one roomie situation vs the group thing my boyfriend lives in.
    I just.. ugh, I'm not good at small talk and I don't know what she wants to talk about!

    I just feel like this was such an ideal situation. We get along, we both have the same ideas for living together, schedules, he is clean, he is nice, financially stable, will pay rent on time, great credit, LOVES merlin..
    and now it's all..MESSY!

    This isn't an issue of "well, she wants to meet me/see if it's ok before we decide if this is going to work etc..etc.." that's the thing. We already are 100% sure we are moving together. We are looking at places..
    so this isn't a "pre-emptive let's see if I am comfortable enough to let this happen" thing, which I would understand more. It's happening.
    So wether or not this is a recipe for relationship disaster.... is not really going to change based on me sitting through dinner.

    I know she isn't being unreasonable.
    I feel where she is coming from.

    I just don't want to.
     
  11. xpaeanx

    xpaeanx Active Member

    Joined:
    Jul 10, 2008
    Messages:
    8,387
    Likes Received:
    1
    Trophy Points:
    38
    Location:
    Long Island, NY
    Blackrose: I think your situation is slightly different bc they were living together before you met him. It's a pre-existing condition at that point.... Not really arguable.
     
  12. AdrianneIsabel

    AdrianneIsabel Glutton for Crazy

    Joined:
    Aug 29, 2010
    Messages:
    8,893
    Likes Received:
    0
    Trophy Points:
    0
    Occupation:
    2 Pit bulls and 2 Malinois, We like to stay busy.
    Location:
    Portland, Oregon
    Home Page:
    No one ever does but **** happens and no one expects it until they've been there.

    I just want to clarify I have absolutely no lack of confidence in my relationship with Denis, he's madly in love with me, puts up with everything I throw at him, and would never purposefully hurt me. I still wouldn't set our relationship up for a challenge by choice. The girls we've lived with have been friends of mine, I want as much security and stability as possible, the guys have been his friends, we also always are careful to avoid inappropriate situations.

    Relationships are important, they're worth the safeguarding. It's not a sign of weakness and you should humor her. :)
     
  13. Fran101

    Fran101 Resident fainting goat

    Joined:
    Oct 12, 2008
    Messages:
    12,548
    Likes Received:
    0
    Trophy Points:
    0
    Location:
    Boston
    That's the thing.. this isn't arguable either.
    He informed her that he was moving in with me (in a nice way).. didn't ask her for permission or anything.
    They haven't been together long enough for him to feel like he should put his life on hold/make big life changing decisions based on her comfort level (his words, not mine)

    I think we are going to a restaurant where we can paint pottery. I picked the place because it would be nice to have something to DO as well as eating.. seems like it would make it more comfortable..
    Good idea?
    I'd like for her to like me

    I don't know wether I should be totally honest or try to be her friend or what she is like
    I should ask how much he has told her about us.
     
  14. AdrianneIsabel

    AdrianneIsabel Glutton for Crazy

    Joined:
    Aug 29, 2010
    Messages:
    8,893
    Likes Received:
    0
    Trophy Points:
    0
    Occupation:
    2 Pit bulls and 2 Malinois, We like to stay busy.
    Location:
    Portland, Oregon
    Home Page:
    Eek, the fact he has no interest in her opinion or the situation would bother me. But... Other people's business.

    I think the pottery dinner is a great idea. :)
     
  15. Fran101

    Fran101 Resident fainting goat

    Joined:
    Oct 12, 2008
    Messages:
    12,548
    Likes Received:
    0
    Trophy Points:
    0
    Location:
    Boston
    You've provided an interesting perspective on the whole thing.

    I guess the whole thing kind of rubbed me the wrong way because I felt like she wanted to meet me/was uncomfortable because she thinks I'm some kind of potential home wrecker..
    but I mean, it does makes sense when you put it that way.

    I'm going to talk to him..find out how much she does/doesn't know and what she is like.

    We weren't in a relationship.. just casual ermm I believe the term is "sex buddies"
    not sure if she knows that or not.
     
  16. milos_mommy

    milos_mommy Active Member

    Joined:
    Oct 14, 2006
    Messages:
    15,346
    Likes Received:
    0
    Trophy Points:
    36
    Honestly? This sounds like a pretty bad idea - not even just living with a guy that you have a close bond with and some kind of (however distant) romantic history with - but his GF is ALREADY mad about it.

    And the fact that he's showing YOU her text messages and discussing her stance on this with you seems totally inappropriate. I can understand him saying "My GF is a unsure/a little uncomfortable with us moving in together, do you think you could hang out with her so she feels better about it?" but how she feels about that is between HER and HIM and it sounds like you're already getting dragged into it. It's his job as her BOYFRIEND to make her comfortable with his situation and give her reasons to trust him, it is NOT your job as the roommate, and I would straight up tell him that. Say you're willing to hang out with both of them or explain your friendship to her, but past that, you don't want to be involved.

    I lived with one single male roommate, who already had a girlfriend when we moved in together. But we weren't really friends, and we never had any kind of history. We didn't hang out together, save for special occasions with a group of people.

    I know sometimes people can live with close friends successfully, or even past romantic partners successfully, or someone who's SO already dislikes them (rarely), but the combination just sounds hard to pull off - and the couple is already bringing you into the middle of their drama.
     
  17. Fran101

    Fran101 Resident fainting goat

    Joined:
    Oct 12, 2008
    Messages:
    12,548
    Likes Received:
    0
    Trophy Points:
    0
    Location:
    Boston
    I'm trying to not input my opinion in the going ons of his relationship.. that said.
    - He has read out loud/showed me text message she has sent him
    - Did not even factor her into his decision to move in with me, all this has been post-decision
    - I don't think she knows the extent of our..sexual histories..
    - She lives 40 minutes away and he is the one that insisted on the "No overnight guests during the week" rule

    .. I am practicing the art of butting out. It's not my problem.
    ..but I would kill my boyfriend. Just sayin' .
     
  18. xpaeanx

    xpaeanx Active Member

    Joined:
    Jul 10, 2008
    Messages:
    8,387
    Likes Received:
    1
    Trophy Points:
    38
    Location:
    Long Island, NY
    She probably doesn't know that you were sex buddies, that just adds to the whole "setting a situation up for failure."

    And with him not caring about her feelings about the situation.... Well, I'm pretty sure I'd be back to single at this point. I've dated enough losers to not care anymore. If a guy blatantly doesn't care about my feelings and is basically saying he has no long term plans with me by setting up this type of situation, I'd be looking for someone else.

    Every time I see these types of situations pop up with friends or other people I am reminded of how much I LOVE my SO.
     
  19. xpaeanx

    xpaeanx Active Member

    Joined:
    Jul 10, 2008
    Messages:
    8,387
    Likes Received:
    1
    Trophy Points:
    38
    Location:
    Long Island, NY
    Based on how he treats his GF, I don't think *I'd* want to live with him. Reminds me too much of an ex that went psycho-control freak on me once he felt he had the upper hand. I still look at my life and sigh a breathe of relief that I don't have to deal with it anymore.
     
  20. Fran101

    Fran101 Resident fainting goat

    Joined:
    Oct 12, 2008
    Messages:
    12,548
    Likes Received:
    0
    Trophy Points:
    0
    Location:
    Boston
    The thing is.. the issue of this situation working is not the issue. We KNOW we would be fine to live together.
    The match of me + bob as roommates is not the issue. Neither of us have those feelings anymore, we are a great match roomie wise, we live in a very expensive city, he works close to where I go to school (making apartment location ideal), have similar ideas for apartment rules, and are friends. He is considerate and polite to me and our relationship is fine.
    This is a rare and awesome match! I don't have an unlimited supply of potential roomies.. this was an AWESOME find!

    The issue here people think is volatile/in trouble is the stability of him + his girlfriend. Which IMO is not my problem.
    and frankly I don't think I should be held responsible for that or say no to living with him due to it.

    I see your point, about them kind of dragging me into the middle of their drama but other than my internal issue with all this.. both have been pretty courteous.
    He told me what was going on, she wanted to have dinner..
    (and yea, I don't think it's ok for him to be sharing texts/her feelings, but we are friends.. we talk about our SOs.. It's not that weird either)

    I told him I wasn't comfortable with all this and I hope this wasn't a foreshadowing of drama to come and he said, and I quote
    "my girlfriend is not going to be your problem. She wants to meet you and have dinner before we move in because she isn't 100% comfortable with all this and she doesn't know you.. but I promise our drama is not going to be your drama"
     

Share This Page