Porn... How would you feel?

[AllieMackie]

Doesn't bother me in the least, but that's us. I bought Matt a pinup calendar for his wall, I know where at least some of his porn folders are on his computer (sometimes I peruse them for nude reference photos) and for his birthday I surprised him with a desktop wallpaper of two of his favorite comic characters in nude pinup that I drew.

BUT again, that's us, and he's been open about it since forever. I look at it too, so I can't exactly yell at him for it. :rofl1: If it makes you uncomfortable and he's either not willing to stop or starts doing it privately again, then I see an issue.

 

[CaliTerp07]

Even the religious guys I know look at porn. You can't follow EVERYTHING the bible says (its physically impossible.. do you wear mixed fibres?) Just like many Christian ladies I know read romance novels.

Men have been looking at pictures of naked ladies as long as people have been making pictures... its human nature. Yes there are ways where porn can become a problem, but just looking at it does not equal a problem.

lol, of course i wear mixed fibers. I believe that's a leviticus reference? There are so many rules in that book that were negated because of the new covenent. Lust is a new testament sin, though.

Regardless, religiosity aside, "everyone does it so you should be okay with it" is a horrible argument, in my opinion. If you don't like it, then your SO needs to respect that. There are plenty of people who dont look at porn, or who would be willing to stop (especially in a marriage where all their needs can be fulfilled by their wife).

I agree that trashy romance novels can be bad too. If I was reading a book that gave me impure thoughts, I wouldnt be comfortable with that. I read a couple back in 8th/9th grade and have avoided the genre since.

 

[stardogs]

I mentioned this thread to DH and he said basically that there's an equation to porn/masturbation:

amount guy wants to get off - amount of sex in the relationship + constant (baseline desire to masturbate every once in a while) = balance that must be met via masturbation, often with porn.

So that being said, his answer to those who are averse to porn is more sex for their SOs. He says men are really quite simple creatures. The direct quote was, "If you want him to watch less porn, &*%$ him more." Yeeaaa he's not the most subtle person. lol

Annnyway (I don't think I've used the word masturbation that many times in one paragraph ever!), this is all to say that I find watching porn completely normal and agree wholeheartedly with those who have said that unless you guys have already talked about it, your SO really has no reason to not be doing it and you don't really have much to stand on when it comes to being upset. Sorry.

I also don't think guys are obligated to discuss their porn habits with their SOs without being specifically asked about them. Lord knows I didn't want or need to know what my DH's "schedule" was, but I know it happens and I'm cool with it. We've watched porn together a few times and I do find it absolutely hilarious and after watching it found it a whole lot less threatening than before.

The only stipulation we have is that his masturbation/porn habits should never interfere with our sex lives - he assures me that he'd never turn down the real thing in favor of porn and I'm holding him to that.

 

[Dekka]

but that is a choice you make... some people would say you are sinning... My point was everyone picks and chooses what is significant to them to a large degree.

So if you want an uber religious boyfriend you might find someone who doesn't look at porn, but there are many other issues of compatibility to consider.

For all those saying, well he shouldn't do it if it makes you uncomfortable... Wow how selfish. Perhaps if he is 'meh' about porn, its ok to ask he doesn't do it, or he doesn't do it where you can see, or that he does do it where you can keep an eye on him... but to disallow something.

 

[darkchild16]

but that is a choice you make... some people would say you are sinning... My point was everyone picks and chooses what is significant to them to a large degree.

So if you want an uber religious boyfriend you might find someone who doesn't look at porn, but there are many other issues of compatibility to consider.

For all those saying, well he shouldn't do it if it makes you uncomfortable... Wow how selfish. Perhaps if he is 'meh' about porn, its ok to ask he doesn't do it, or he doesn't do it where you can see, or that he does do it where you can keep an eye on him... but to disallow something.

To me if I talk to him about it and he agrees (i didnt make Jeremy agree to NEVER talk to her just not when i wasnt present for reasons he understood) HE made the choice to stop talking to her because our relationship meant more to him then that friendship. You talk it over and work out something is how I feel about it. Like stardogs and her husband. Heck ive stopped talking to certain friends because of Jeremy he had valid points and some of it I never noticed. Like my one friend who would keep taking peeks down my shirts and flirting with me the entire time even in front of J :yikes:. Anyway enough rambling.

 

[smkie]

I use to look at porn as something I wasn't interested in, but it's ok if someone else is into it. I don't feel that way now because of the abuse that is associated with it. men are more visually stimulated that's I believe a known fact and I have been with partners that had their stack of magazines. As long as I wasn't made to be a part of it and they weren't left out where the children had access, I could live with that. If however it is forced on YOU and you don't want it to be, if your asked to do things that are part of the porn that you don't want to do, if it involves parties that should not be in it of their own free will, then it's not ok at all. Thinking that a man is not going to look because you dont' want him to is imo unrealistic. If they download it on Your computer, then it's a problem. And so on and so on and so on. I personally hate porn.

 

[ACooper]

I have the same feeling about pornography as I do anything else in a marriage/relationship, which is of course if you have to HIDE it ('it' being ANYTHING you wouldn't do in the presence of your SO, or attempt to keep secret from your SO), then it becomes cheating in one form or another.

Do I want Kevin to call me before he looks at porn? :rofl1: No.........but if he's lying about looking, or going to lengths to keep it hidden from my knowledge, then yes, I'm not ok with it. We've actually watched some together in the past *shrugs* No big deal IMO, but the 'covering up' or out right lying about it would most definitely bother me.

 

[AGonzalez]

Porn isn't an issue with this marriage. But to be honest, the sneaking around to look at it and the secrecy with my previous marriage helped to wreck things. Basically, I made a jump from the fact that he had really amateur porn he left on my PC to realizing it was someone he knew. The fact that his attempts to hide it were uhm, less than stellar, led me along to finding other things that were even less pleasing. Basically it is what led to me finding all the little love notes between him and the bitch he was cheating on me with.

This time around, it's all out in the open. My husband has porn. A LOT of porn in fact. He showed me; I don't care. There is no secrecy or taboo about it because he was open and honest.

 

[KenyiGirl]

It's definitely a case by case situation since some people are more ok with it than others and to each his/her own.

Me personally... I couldn't handle it.
*snip*
As far as cheating is concerned... I don't feel that it is ACTUALLY cheating, but it feels just as bad and just as I will leave a guy for cheating on me... if a guy feels the need to continue to look at porn after I've expressed that I'm uncomfortable with it then that's not a relationship I need to remain in. Just my .02.... but like I said... it really depends on the two people in the relationship and whether or not they are ok with it.

lol, of course i wear mixed fibers. I believe that's a leviticus reference? There are so many rules in that book that were negated because of the new covenent. Lust is a new testament sin, though.

Regardless, religiosity aside, "everyone does it so you should be okay with it" is a horrible argument, in my opinion. If you don't like it, then your SO needs to respect that. There are plenty of people who dont look at porn, or who would be willing to stop (especially in a marriage where all their needs can be fulfilled by their wife).

I agree that trashy romance novels can be bad too.

I agree with these posts, they said everything I was thinking

 

[GlassOnion]

Regardless, religiosity aside, "everyone does it so you should be okay with it" is a horrible argument, in my opinion. If you don't like it, then your SO needs to respect that.

Why does the SO in this case have to respect the other's opinion? Why can't, instead, the person who has a problem with it respect the SO's opinion about porn?

 

[Grab]

I have no issue with porn. Not my thing to look at for arousal (although some of it is downright hilarious) but I've no issue with others looking at it for their own amusement. (no different than anyone's personal likes and dislikes)
Since I am ambivalent about it, it isn't an issue, but I don't see why one half of the partnership has a right to dictate what the other person can be aroused by. My assumption about the original scenario is that he sensed she'd be judgmental about it and so just kept it to himself. (which was an accurate assumption) I'd no sooner tell my other half what he could look at (assuming it wasn't illegal, which he'd have no interest in) than I would tell him what book to read.

I wouldn't feel embarrassed or hurt by someone watching porn..that's just me though

 

[Bailey08]

Please talk to him, OP. Tell him how you feel (why it makes you uncomfortable) and encourage him to talk to you about it.

I absolutely do not equate looking at pornography with cheating. I actually think it's pretty normal. That said, your feelings are valid, too, which is why I would ask you to talk about them with him. I really think talking about it some will help you be reassured and feel less self-conscious.

At the end of the day, you're the one who is in the relationship with him (not us), so I don't suppose it really matters how the rest of us feel if it's really something that you cannot get comfortable with.

 

[Sweet72947]

It doesn't do anything for me personally, but if I had an SO, I honestly wouldn't care if they wanted to look at porn, so long as it wasn't anything sick like child porn or whatever. I think this POV comes from the fact that my dad gets Playboy, and my mom could care less that he gets these magazines, so I always saw it as no big deal.

 

[sparks19]

well I haven't read everything yet....

but with something like this I can understand both points of view. I understand you being upset by it... but I also understand him not wanting to tell you.

I could be wrong but I doubt it was that he just wanted to keep it from you and didn't want you to know but more that he might be embarrassed to tell you that he was looking at it. I mean I doubt he tells you about everytime he masturbates and I"m sure he does that porn or no porn... most guys do. But it can be embarrassing for them to talk about or admit especially if they think they are going to be MADE to feel ashamed about it.

so this is a tough one.

All you can do in this situation I think is to sit down and talk to each other about it. Ask him why he hid it from you or felt he couldn't be honest about it with you. tell him how that made you feel that he hid it from you. don't be accusatory just be honest and find out his side and then work it out from there.

 

[Paige]

well I haven't read everything yet....

but with something like this I can understand both points of view. I understand you being upset by it... but I also understand him not wanting to tell you.

I could be wrong but I doubt it was that he just wanted to keep it from you and didn't want you to know but more that he might be embarrassed to tell you that he was looking at it. I mean I doubt he tells you about everytime he masturbates and I"m sure he does that porn or no porn... most guys do. But it can be embarrassing for them to talk about or admit especially if they think they are going to be MADE to feel ashamed about it.

so this is a tough one.

All you can do in this situation I think is to sit down and talk to each other about it. Ask him why he hid it from you or felt he couldn't be honest about it with you. tell him how that made you feel that he hid it from you. don't be accusatory just be honest and find out his side and then work it out from there.

WAIT.. that isn't a normal tidbit to share when you're in a relationship with someone?

I guess I should probably keep more things to myself.:rofl1:

 

[Renee750il]

I have no issue with porn. Not my thing to look at for arousal (although some of it is downright hilarious) but I've no issue with others looking at it for their own amusement. (no different than anyone's personal likes and dislikes)
Since I am ambivalent about it, it isn't an issue, but I don't see why one half of the partnership has a right to dictate what the other person can be aroused by. My assumption about the original scenario is that he sensed she'd be judgmental about it and so just kept it to himself. (which was an accurate assumption) I'd no sooner tell my other half what he could look at (assuming it wasn't illegal, which he'd have no interest in) than I would tell him what book to read.

I wouldn't feel embarrassed or hurt by someone watching porn..that's just me though

I didn't get that she was judgmental about it, but that she is hurt and it makes her feel inadequate -- which is a completely different matter and not uncommon and is the kind of issue that a caring mate would want to address and find some way to reassure her, even if it meant giving up porn.

The other issue was the feeling of betrayal because he was hiding it, which he may or may not really have been doing; he may just have considered it something to keep to himself.

 

[sparks19]

Why does the SO in this case have to respect the other's opinion? Why can't, instead, the person who has a problem with it respect the SO's opinion about porn?

I think in a case like this it is about compromise. The basis of any good relationship. there are going to be things that bother you about the person and there are goign to be things about you that bother them. don't try to change each other but don't just ignore the issues either because they will fester and that will ruin your relationship faster than anything else.

and as for the OP you definitely have a basis for your feelings because they are your feelings. yOu cant just shut feelings off. So they are certainly valid because it means something to you. Others don't have a problem with it but that doesn't mean that your feelings are stupid or innappropriate.

Just don't keep your feelings to yourself. talk to him about your feelings and about his feelings and go from there

WOW that's a lot of feelings in this post lol.

 

[Lilavati]

I personally dont' care very much (and had that happen, it was a little upsetting, and we talked). But if it bothers YOU then you need to talk to him about it. Otherwise it will just fester in your mind. I've some to the conclusion that its pretty much normal male behavior, and it doesn't do any harm. I don't look like any of those girls, and he doesn't look like any of those guys, and we are all entitled to our fantasy life. Just like he makes fun of me (but isn't jealous of) wanting to watch certain programs because I LOVE listening to the voices of certain narrators. (and sometimes looking at them too). Now, if he has a porn PROBLEM, that's something else, like any addiction.

 

[noludoru]

For all those saying, well he shouldn't do it if it makes you uncomfortable... Wow how selfish. Perhaps if he is 'meh' about porn, its ok to ask he doesn't do it, or he doesn't do it where you can see, or that he does do it where you can keep an eye on him... but to disallow something.

I agree with you, but I didn't see anyone actually saying that her SO shouldn't be allowed to watch porn. I think that if he has to watch porn and wont compromise, and she can't stand it and wont compromise, then the only sensible thing to do is end the relationship if they can't come to an agreement, especially if it's something that's such an important issue to them.

I didn't get that she was judgmental about it, but that she is hurt and it makes her feel inadequate -- which is a completely different matter and not uncommon and is the kind of issue that a caring mate would want to address and find some way to reassure her, even if it meant giving up porn.

The other issue was the feeling of betrayal because he was hiding it, which he may or may not really have been doing; he may just have considered it something to keep to himself.

:hail:

 

[Hillside]

I mentioned this thread to DH and he said basically that there's an equation to porn/masturbation:

amount guy wants to get off - amount of sex in the relationship + constant (baseline desire to masturbate every once in a while) = balance that must be met via masturbation, often with porn.

So that being said, his answer to those who are averse to porn is more sex for their SOs. He says men are really quite simple creatures. The direct quote was, "If you want him to watch less porn, &*%$ him more." Yeeaaa he's not the most subtle person. lol

Annnyway (I don't think I've used the word masturbation that many times in one paragraph ever!), this is all to say that I find watching porn completely normal and agree wholeheartedly with those who have said that unless you guys have already talked about it, your SO really has no reason to not be doing it and you don't really have much to stand on when it comes to being upset. Sorry.

I also don't think guys are obligated to discuss their porn habits with their SOs without being specifically asked about them. Lord knows I didn't want or need to know what my DH's "schedule" was, but I know it happens and I'm cool with it. We've watched porn together a few times and I do find it absolutely hilarious and after watching it found it a whole lot less threatening than before.

The only stipulation we have is that his masturbation/porn habits should never interfere with our sex lives - he assures me that he'd never turn down the real thing in favor of porn and I'm holding him to that.

Pretty much all of this.

Also, even though every guy I know talks about masturbation like it's going out of style, the actual ACT of masturbation has a huge stigma associated with it.