Porn... How would you feel?

[iluvdogs]

I'm sorry Tucker&Me..I'm glad you guys talked it out and I hope this does not becoming a problem again!

I know how you felt...I was dating a guy for 4.5 years AND engaged until I found out he had a Major porn problem...He slipped one day and then I made him tell me the truth.

He said he looked at it all his life so it was a habit he couldn't stop..He even told me a TON of times how he wants to stop..and even at times he didn't even like doing it...It was just that he was "addicted" to it!

He wanted to stay together and stop looking at it..so we thought if he moved in with me...he wouldn't have all the "free" time he did at his moms place to look at it...Well it was true he stopped looking at it on the net...but then he moved to porn magazines!

We ended up breaking up because of it..He told me in the end that porn was always going to be in his life if I like it or not and no one can help him because to get help you need to WANT help..

I really give you credit for allowing him and understand his point..I know how hard that must of been!! ~hugs~

 

[skittledoo]

oy vey... I really wish I didn't find what I just found...

I already wrote that Josh knows I don't like porn. He told me he doesn't care for it either and he knows about my past with it. I used to not really have too much issues about people looking at porn until my last bad relationship. My ex is so addicted to porn that he actually sees a therapist about it. He's completely addicted to sex and porn pretty much took over our relationship and it got to a point where he was getting off to porn wayyyy more than he ever was having sex with me.

Because of that situation I swore I couldn't be with a guy who is into porn. I just can't. If they want to look at porn bad enough then they can go be with someone else and look at porn if they want... but I can't handle it in my own relationship.

My current fiance knows and we've discussed it numerous times. I'm a photographer and I'll photograph artistic nude once in a while if I get a chance. That's different to me and honestly... if I photographed nude girls I'd probably show them to Josh and ask him his opinions on the poses and editing from an artistic point of view. It's the pornographic videos and SERIOUSLY overly erotic stuff that I have a difficult time. Josh doesn't mind me photographing nude girls but has expressed him not being comfortable with me photographing nude men. I respect that and wont do any nude shoots with guys. I had hoped he would respect my feelings on the porn videos, but I accidentally found out today that he's been watching them on his phone.

He had his blackberry charging in the bathroom for some reason. I went to move it out of the way so I didn't get water on it and accidentally opened the browser. Went to hit the button to exit out of the browser and accidentally hit the wrong button next to it which just went to the page he was looking at prior to the current one showing on the browser... it was porn videos that he had been trying to download.

We had a long talk and he apologized and said it wont happen again and it just brought back all the stuff I dealt with with my ex so I lost it and ended up in tears. He decided to take me out to eat tonight and held me and wouldn't let me go earlier. I know he's sincere in his apology and he knows this is something we have discussed prior to even dating about stuff we were and weren't comfortable with within a relationship...

So... now my trust in him feels a bit shot... I know it's going to be just fine and that him looking at the porn was just a human instinct or whatever... but I have a really difficult time trusting people once they do something to cause me to question my trust in them... we're getting married in 3 weeks...

I put this in this thread because this thread was about the whole porn thing... but my question is how do we start working on the trust from here? I do not want to be the girl who goes snooping through all his stuff because 1) that's not cool and 2) that will just make me forever paranoid... so snooping through his stuff whenever he gets online is not the answer by any means... but how do I build up that trust in him again? Honestly... I know he's going to want to have sex with me again soon... how do I enjoy that without my mind wandering off to the porn videos?

I know a lot of people are totally fine with porn etc... but I'm just not and like I said, a lot of that has to do with my ex and that whole situation...

 

[Renee750il]

Amber, not everyone can do this, but the very best thing I can tell you is that if you truly, honestly do want this put behind you and do want to believe that he is being straight with you on this, you have to do the baggage thing -- drop it on the side of your road together and walk on and never look back at it. Don't bring it up, don't revisit it, never, ever, ever use it in an argument or even in a semi-teasing way, because it's not just you who has to put it in the past, so does Josh.

Neither one of you can go on if this incident is going to be brought up and cited at a later date. Go ahead and hash it out now; get it out of your system. Do all your crying over it and trying to tell him how you feel and why you feel that way, whether it makes any sense or not. Let him do the same, and remember, guys don't understand rants or wallowing. Guys can only deal with what they can FIX for us. Let him fix it.

But you have to accept it at face value -- however he goes about fixing it, not that you don't get any say in how, you do, but then you have to let him do it and believe in him.

(((((((((HUGS))))))))))) It's not always an easy thing to do, but I believe you can.

 

[skittledoo]

Thank you so much Renee. You really know how to make someone feel better. I know he feels bad about it. He keeps looking at me and hugging and kissing me and went out and rented some movies for us to watch tonight. I know he loves me. Hell, he wouldn't have moved across the country if he didn't and the fact of the matter is that every night I'm the one he comes home to. I need to remind myself of that fact.

 

[Renee750il]

That is your absolute truth

 

[matthewarnold]

Oh Boy!

I'm brand new here. This is the first thread I encounter. I don't have too much of an opportunity to introduce my self but I have a scenario for you. Here goes....

How about dating a girl only to find out she is a stripper and has lied about her age. This can be shocking but suppose you care for her so much that you offer her a job working for you just to get her to stop stripping.

Now suppose she takes the job and even though you think she has stopped being a stripper she hasn't. She takes your love, your money, lies to you and in the end leaves you once you've served her purpose. She trashes you in her chat rooms and makes you out to be a jerk when in reality you were the one that got her out of her predicament in the first place. And this is the irony. She continually complains about the job you gave her but almost every one of her posts is during the work week and during work hours.

She plans trips with you and then goes on these trips with someone else only to leave you home watching her dogs.

She uses your expertice and advice when it comes to financial situations. Gives you no credit for such advice. Makes it sound as if she came up with her financial solutions on her own. Makes her job sound like it is slavery even though she is earning approximately 30% more than anyone else with the same job not including the several bonuses she gets each year.

So she quits her job and mysteriously never talks to you again. And this is the interesting thing. Her last post in her chat room is her last day of work. This is only because she doesn't have internet at home.

I guess I'm saying that there are worse things that can happen then someone watching a little porn.

 

[milos_mommy]

Amber....you need to decide what's worth putting up with and what isn't. Truth is, Josh might always occasionally look at porn. Now, if you're really against it for moral or religious reasons, that could be a problem, but if you're against it because it took a negative toll on your past relationship, think about whether or not porn has to take a negative toll on THIS relationship.

Be honest with yourself....a year from now you might something similar. But think about whether or not your fiancee is this kind of person who won't be able to (mostly) control it, if he's going to start going behind your back to watch porn, if he's going to lie to you about it, or watch porn instead of having sex with you. If the answer is no, at least IMO, you should still marry him.