Men & women, can they ever be only friends? Your thoughts
- Thread starter Dogdragoness
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Most my good friends/close friends are girls. But I do find I get along better/easier with guys. Right or wrong I do feel that they're generally easier to read and easier to talk to. I also find that a lot of girls and I do not share similar interests. Not all, but a lot. It doesn't mean they're bad or catty/superficial people, it's just that we don't share interests. But when I do find a girl friend that clicks, it clicks a lot harder than with a guy friend. So I don't know.
Same. We didnt' really sit down and discuss it either. it was just something neither of us wanted to do ourselves and it just sort of became an unspoken agreement lol.
Another reason for me is I am very naive. A lot of times I really believe a guy is just being friendly until said guy is actively making a pass at me. lol I'm not stupid or immature but I am naive and really want to see the best in people and give them the benefit of the doubt. Like Beanies post about guy from her work asking if she wants to hang out and she realized later he probably meant a date... that's totally me. I wouldn't have thought for a second he meant anything other than hang out and be best buds lol
Another reason for me is I am very naive. A lot of times I really believe a guy is just being friendly until said guy is actively making a pass at me. lol I'm not stupid or immature but I am naive and really want to see the best in people and give them the benefit of the doubt. Like Beanies post about guy from her work asking if she wants to hang out and she realized later he probably meant a date... that's totally me. I wouldn't have thought for a second he meant anything other than hang out and be best buds lol
I don't understand what it has to do with maturity, security in your relationship, or being a grounded person. It's not that I am forbidden by my husband to hang out with male friends, it's that I choose not to hang out with male friends by myself just out of respect. Now, if I had a best male friend I would have been best friends with forever that might be different. I think, though, I'd still want to include my husband. It's not because of jealousy... We are both very secure in our relationship... And there are no trust issues that either one of us would cheat. I do talk on the phone and message with male friends in Germany and I did go out for a casual dinner with a male coworker /friend while my husband was on a business trip. No issues, no questions besides how the food was. Lol.
And, to me, it was different after we got married. I had tons of male friends when we were dating (granted we moved and are not in the same area, but if I still was, I'd do something together as a group). Went out, crashed at houses after parties, etc. But marriage changes the relationship, I think. It is a huge step and if you truly are in it for the long haul, it has to change and you might make different decisions.
Now, if a guy forbids you to see male friends or throws an jealous every time you look or talk to another guy... That's a whole different story.
And, to me, it was different after we got married. I had tons of male friends when we were dating (granted we moved and are not in the same area, but if I still was, I'd do something together as a group). Went out, crashed at houses after parties, etc. But marriage changes the relationship, I think. It is a huge step and if you truly are in it for the long haul, it has to change and you might make different decisions.
Now, if a guy forbids you to see male friends or throws an jealous every time you look or talk to another guy... That's a whole different story.
I guess I don't see why its a matter of respect not to hang out with a guy friend. I (and my relationship) with my hubby is mature enough that its a non issue. I am not so craven that I will give into base impulses if I am alone with a man! LOL. I have enough self respect that I can be friends with whom ever I 'click' with. I don't care what a busy body would say.. Then again maybe its a Canadian thing.. not once in my life have I heard anything when hubby goes geochaching with a female friend or I go riding etc with a male friend. No one cares.
Just to clarify.. I am not saying one NEEDS to have opposite sex friends. But I find the idea that you can't have an opposite sex friends (in the same way you can have same sex friends because of what others might think is incredibley sad.
So to me it is matter of maturity and self respect. If I meet some guy and wow we get along great why should I have to think "OMG he has a Y chromosome.. better not be seen alone with him"
Then again.. would this be ok if we were talking about a particular race? Oh the community doesn't like "_______" race I better not be seen alone with one of them..
Again.. if you just don't meet any, or want any male friends.. fine. But its just an anathema to me to reject a rewarding friendship based on sex discrimination.
Just to clarify.. I am not saying one NEEDS to have opposite sex friends. But I find the idea that you can't have an opposite sex friends (in the same way you can have same sex friends because of what others might think is incredibley sad.
So to me it is matter of maturity and self respect. If I meet some guy and wow we get along great why should I have to think "OMG he has a Y chromosome.. better not be seen alone with him"
Then again.. would this be ok if we were talking about a particular race? Oh the community doesn't like "_______" race I better not be seen alone with one of them..
Again.. if you just don't meet any, or want any male friends.. fine. But its just an anathema to me to reject a rewarding friendship based on sex discrimination.
Oh no, I knew RIGHT AWAY what he was asking, LOL. I tried to get him to be more straight forward and he wouldn't, and I'm not mean enough to have busted on him at work in front of other people. So I said "sure, we can HANG OUT." And now I have to go "hang out" with him and when he tries to make his move I will have to be like "HOLD IT! OBJECTION!" and then I will be mean and clearly have been leading him on because I said we could "hang out." Sigh. No win.
I didn't mean it in a bad way when I said people have small groups of friends. But I do think there's a difference between when you are already limiting your group of friends to just take it a step further and not form new friendships with men, versus somebody like me who walks around basically expecting every person I meet to be a new potential friend. Plus depending on where your social circles are to begin with, that changes the people you are likely to meet who are potential new friends. Like I am equally likely to meet a man or a woman at the gym; I am more likely to meet men at the comic book shop. =P If you hang out with mom's groups you are going to meet other moms, LOL. And there's nothing wrong with that, we all hang out in social circles that suit us. Like... there's a reason I DON'T hang out with the young adults group at my church and it's because it's all 20 year old kids who think me as a 28 year old am shortly about to be run out of the term "young adult," haha. As a group it doesn't really mesh well with me so I don't hang out with them... not a big deal and I don't really think it's offensive to them OR to me. It just... is, LOL.
Takes all kinds. *shrug*
ETA: I 100% agree with Dekka that it makes me sad that what people would gossip about should have any affect in our lives. I know it's only in a perfect world that nobody cares about gossip, but it still makes me sad.
I didn't mean it in a bad way when I said people have small groups of friends. But I do think there's a difference between when you are already limiting your group of friends to just take it a step further and not form new friendships with men, versus somebody like me who walks around basically expecting every person I meet to be a new potential friend. Plus depending on where your social circles are to begin with, that changes the people you are likely to meet who are potential new friends. Like I am equally likely to meet a man or a woman at the gym; I am more likely to meet men at the comic book shop. =P If you hang out with mom's groups you are going to meet other moms, LOL. And there's nothing wrong with that, we all hang out in social circles that suit us. Like... there's a reason I DON'T hang out with the young adults group at my church and it's because it's all 20 year old kids who think me as a 28 year old am shortly about to be run out of the term "young adult," haha. As a group it doesn't really mesh well with me so I don't hang out with them... not a big deal and I don't really think it's offensive to them OR to me. It just... is, LOL.
Takes all kinds. *shrug*
ETA: I 100% agree with Dekka that it makes me sad that what people would gossip about should have any affect in our lives. I know it's only in a perfect world that nobody cares about gossip, but it still makes me sad.
I think I am expressing myself poorly. I am looking into playing hockey again. I'll probably end up on a co-ed team either with other women or maybe only men. It doesn't matter to me. It doesn't matter to my husband. If he shared a hobby I am not into, I'd have to problem if he'd go off with a female friend geo-caching or whatever it is. But to me, it would be weird if I would say "Hey Dan. I'm going to see a movie with Peter, you're not invited because we need some alone time." like I said, if I had a male friend who was my best friend, through thick an thin, for the past 10 years, that might be different, but I don't have any desire to make new male friends that I want to hang out with alone all the time.
I absolutely think they can so long as the intention of both parties is to just be friends. Add in anything different, and it gets sticky.
I have several guy friends and it's worked out just fine because even when we were all single, it was mutually understood that this was a platonic friendship. Without that mutual understanding, then no, I don't think that a "true" friendship can exist. Sure, feelings change and romantic love can grow out of friendship, but I think that at the point when the platonic feeling isn't mutual anymore, that friendship has turned into something different.
What's funny is that the intention really really seems to make the world of difference. With most of my guy friends, had they been interested in me, I may have at times been accused of leading them on - that's not because I was flirty in the slightest, but because I happily accepted offers to hang out, go hiking, whatever. Because a romantic intention wasn't there on the part of either of us, it worked out just fine and we're great friends.
I've found that guys are definitely different than girls when it comes to friendship. I don't mean to play into any stereotypes, but if I want to go shopping, watch a chick flick, or talk about people dramas, I would be inclined to go to my girl friends (or make the boyfriend suffer through it haha). If I want to hang out knowing that the conversation probably won't go deeper or get any more emotional than yesterday's weather, I'll choose to hang out with a group of guys. That doesn't mean that the friendships are worth any more/less, it just means that they're (in general), different. Sure, it's probably more of a culturally driven thing than an actual "person" thing, but it's there. Individually, I've noticed that everything is much more variable. But in a group situation, yes - my girl friends tend to be more into emotional discussion and my guy friends would rather be doing something without too much talk or discussing something technical.
Onto the opposite sex friends when in a relationship...
I have a boyfriend, and honestly, for me everything is situational. I wouldn't invite a group of guys to go hang out and not invite my boyfriend. I wouldn't schedule a time to hang out one on one just for kicks with those whom I see regularly. But then, I also wouldn't invite any group - be it girls or guys - to do something that my boyfriend would probably enjoy without at least throwing the invitation his way too.
I would, however, catch up with an old friend who I might not see too often via a platonic lunch date or something. I would go to an event to which I was invited but not my boyfriend, even if it includes girls and guys. I would ask my good guy friends for help or offer one-on-one help with anything if it was needed. I would be fine to hang out with my guy friends doing something that my boyfriend would enjoy if my boyfriend was busy and couldn't go. I would be happy to hang out if I randomly happened upon one of my guy friends while around campus.
I just try to use judgment and avoid doing anything that I wouldn't want done to me in reverse.
Of course, I introduced my boyfriend to most of my guy friends and they hit it off to the point that they're some of his best guy friends now. Nowadays, more often than not, I'm the one getting left out when they want their video game "bro time."
I have several guy friends and it's worked out just fine because even when we were all single, it was mutually understood that this was a platonic friendship. Without that mutual understanding, then no, I don't think that a "true" friendship can exist. Sure, feelings change and romantic love can grow out of friendship, but I think that at the point when the platonic feeling isn't mutual anymore, that friendship has turned into something different.
What's funny is that the intention really really seems to make the world of difference. With most of my guy friends, had they been interested in me, I may have at times been accused of leading them on - that's not because I was flirty in the slightest, but because I happily accepted offers to hang out, go hiking, whatever. Because a romantic intention wasn't there on the part of either of us, it worked out just fine and we're great friends.
I've found that guys are definitely different than girls when it comes to friendship. I don't mean to play into any stereotypes, but if I want to go shopping, watch a chick flick, or talk about people dramas, I would be inclined to go to my girl friends (or make the boyfriend suffer through it haha). If I want to hang out knowing that the conversation probably won't go deeper or get any more emotional than yesterday's weather, I'll choose to hang out with a group of guys. That doesn't mean that the friendships are worth any more/less, it just means that they're (in general), different. Sure, it's probably more of a culturally driven thing than an actual "person" thing, but it's there. Individually, I've noticed that everything is much more variable. But in a group situation, yes - my girl friends tend to be more into emotional discussion and my guy friends would rather be doing something without too much talk or discussing something technical.
Onto the opposite sex friends when in a relationship...
I have a boyfriend, and honestly, for me everything is situational. I wouldn't invite a group of guys to go hang out and not invite my boyfriend. I wouldn't schedule a time to hang out one on one just for kicks with those whom I see regularly. But then, I also wouldn't invite any group - be it girls or guys - to do something that my boyfriend would probably enjoy without at least throwing the invitation his way too.
I would, however, catch up with an old friend who I might not see too often via a platonic lunch date or something. I would go to an event to which I was invited but not my boyfriend, even if it includes girls and guys. I would ask my good guy friends for help or offer one-on-one help with anything if it was needed. I would be fine to hang out with my guy friends doing something that my boyfriend would enjoy if my boyfriend was busy and couldn't go. I would be happy to hang out if I randomly happened upon one of my guy friends while around campus.
I just try to use judgment and avoid doing anything that I wouldn't want done to me in reverse.
Of course, I introduced my boyfriend to most of my guy friends and they hit it off to the point that they're some of his best guy friends now. Nowadays, more often than not, I'm the one getting left out when they want their video game "bro time."
This.
I don't have any issue with guys or being friends. When Brian played hockey I was the beer wife lol. He is a goalie so he is always the last one out so I would go out to the parking lot, get out the cooler and the guys would cone and hang out and have a beer with me an eventually brian would join us when he was done changing. No problem. These men were as mich my friends as they were his and nothing weird about it but I wouldn't have called one up and been like "hey lets go to a movie but pur spouses can't come"
We have another friend from Brians old job, young guy, single, parents don't live here so he would come over and i would make him a nice homecooked meal and he would stay and watch hockey with us. Nothing weird or awkward about it but I didn't have any desire or feel any need to set up time to be alone with him. If he got to our house before brian got home it was no big deal, I wouldn't have been like "you can't be here I can't be alone with you"
As for the gossip thing... Words can do damage. It is one thing to say "I don't care what people think" but there are some truly malicious people out there. I know people who have had to deal with CPS and cops all because of rumors and gossip
My social groups rarely have men in them anyway. Homeschool groups, moms groups, etc. not a lot of men at those gatherings, just a bunch of women who i completely relate to, who can offer me support and guidance (and I try to do the same for them lol).
I don't have any issue with guys or being friends. When Brian played hockey I was the beer wife lol. He is a goalie so he is always the last one out so I would go out to the parking lot, get out the cooler and the guys would cone and hang out and have a beer with me an eventually brian would join us when he was done changing. No problem. These men were as mich my friends as they were his and nothing weird about it but I wouldn't have called one up and been like "hey lets go to a movie but pur spouses can't come"
We have another friend from Brians old job, young guy, single, parents don't live here so he would come over and i would make him a nice homecooked meal and he would stay and watch hockey with us. Nothing weird or awkward about it but I didn't have any desire or feel any need to set up time to be alone with him. If he got to our house before brian got home it was no big deal, I wouldn't have been like "you can't be here I can't be alone with you"
As for the gossip thing... Words can do damage. It is one thing to say "I don't care what people think" but there are some truly malicious people out there. I know people who have had to deal with CPS and cops all because of rumors and gossip
My social groups rarely have men in them anyway. Homeschool groups, moms groups, etc. not a lot of men at those gatherings, just a bunch of women who i completely relate to, who can offer me support and guidance (and I try to do the same for them lol).
For me when I was younger I did have female friends but I didn't like princesses, dolls, or pretty much any thing pink. They were boring and not my thing. Now the guys on the other hand who mud dobbed, beat on each other in the name of playing dbz, and played full on contact sports interested me way more. That wasn't me trying to be special or be a bitch that was me going to the group with similar interests. So for me I totally get the preference of wanting to hang with the guys over the girls sometimes.
Even now I work with a building of thirty women. There are absolutely no men in my department. I have nothing in common interest wise with any one here. They all have kids and spend time talking about raising their kids, being a wife/gf, shopping, hair, guy problems. I can comment occasionally but really nothing is a shared interest.
Now when I go to the warehouse on lunch that is 100% guys I'd have to go out of my way to not find someone with a similar interest.
Eta no not all girls were interested in pink or dolls. But an example is the thread that old toys were talked about. None of the ones that were girl oriented really brought back any sort of memory for me. They weren't any part of my interests.
Even now I work with a building of thirty women. There are absolutely no men in my department. I have nothing in common interest wise with any one here. They all have kids and spend time talking about raising their kids, being a wife/gf, shopping, hair, guy problems. I can comment occasionally but really nothing is a shared interest.
Now when I go to the warehouse on lunch that is 100% guys I'd have to go out of my way to not find someone with a similar interest.
Eta no not all girls were interested in pink or dolls. But an example is the thread that old toys were talked about. None of the ones that were girl oriented really brought back any sort of memory for me. They weren't any part of my interests.
To be fair, though, I don't know of many people who do that with their female friends either. I don't go to a movie with my female friends and say 'sorry, dear, you aren't welcome'. More often, it's a situation of being a movie I want to see, but he doesn't. Thus, he chooses not to go. In both of our opposite sex friendships, we're always welcome to come along. If we don't, it's generally because it's not an activity the other is into. Or, in my case, I don't like hanging out with people I don't know very well and don't share a ton of interests with. But my social awkwardness shouldn't mean he can't go out and do things
We are quite happy with each others' company, and a good deal of the time, we happily hang out at home with the kiddo. But there's no harm in hanging out with our other friends too, regardless of what parts they have.
We are quite happy with each others' company, and a good deal of the time, we happily hang out at home with the kiddo. But there's no harm in hanging out with our other friends too, regardless of what parts they have.
Oh... so the assumption is just if you have an opposite sex friend, it means you won't "allow" your SO to do anything with you and them? Cool.
My dad has plenty of female friends. My mom even refers to them as his girlfriends. xD Does my mom hang out with them? No, because they aren't interested in the same things my mom is. She'd rather go do something with her kids. Has my dad ever said "you're not allowed to come, because my girlfriends will be there"? Of course not. I think she's even met a few of them.
My dad has plenty of female friends. My mom even refers to them as his girlfriends. xD Does my mom hang out with them? No, because they aren't interested in the same things my mom is. She'd rather go do something with her kids. Has my dad ever said "you're not allowed to come, because my girlfriends will be there"? Of course not. I think she's even met a few of them.
Question!
For those of you who don't think it's appropriate to hang out with the opposite sex when in a committed relationship, is that just one on one? Or does that include in groups?
For example, when I lived in PA I met up with a VW club every week. It was either all guys and me, or all guys and one other girl. Would that be okay with you?
Here in Minnesota Ryan will often get together with a bunch of our female friends and hang out when I'm working. Again, would that be okay?
I'm definitely in the camp of not caring AT ALL what sex the people are that Ryan hangs out with. But whatevs, to each their own.
For those of you who don't think it's appropriate to hang out with the opposite sex when in a committed relationship, is that just one on one? Or does that include in groups?
For example, when I lived in PA I met up with a VW club every week. It was either all guys and me, or all guys and one other girl. Would that be okay with you?
Here in Minnesota Ryan will often get together with a bunch of our female friends and hang out when I'm working. Again, would that be okay?
I'm definitely in the camp of not caring AT ALL what sex the people are that Ryan hangs out with. But whatevs, to each their own.
I don't know... Just as the assumption is we must be immature, jealous, can't trust our partners or don't have a good relationship?
I guess This is why I don't get it. There isn't much my spouse enjoys that I don't enjoy or vice versa. We have very similar interests.
As for the questions on what is ok and what isn't.. No one here is telling anyone else what is and isn't ok in teir relationships. What is OK for you and your relationship is up to you.
I don't know why The need to ridicule
I guess This is why I don't get it. There isn't much my spouse enjoys that I don't enjoy or vice versa. We have very similar interests.
As for the questions on what is ok and what isn't.. No one here is telling anyone else what is and isn't ok in teir relationships. What is OK for you and your relationship is up to you.
I don't know why The need to ridicule
This.
I am not saying anyone is wrong for just not having many friends or not actively seeking out opposite sex friends. Heck, when I was younger I had close male friends. We drifted apart and I really dont have close male friends anymore. BUT, if I met a male I wouldnt NOT become friends with him. Because we have young kids, because I am a SAHM etc most of my time is spent with families and other moms. Thats fine, nothing wrong with that. I do however find it odd to think its somehow MORE respectful to not have friends of the opposite sex. Its a choice one can make sure, but it really has nothing to do with respect.
We used to have a stay at home dad in our play group. I never really got to know him well as he ended up moving soon after but as an example, if he had stayed part of it I am sure there are times we wouldve done stuff with the kids, lunch, park, zoo, etc.
Dan and I have been together for coming up on 13 years now, started dating when I was 19. We are close, we love being together, spending time together, etc. OUr family is our own little world. HOWEVER, I think it is very important to not let one person be your whole world. I do plenty of things without him and he without me because we are not the same person. Also, with having children someone has to watch them
I am not saying anyone is wrong for just not having many friends or not actively seeking out opposite sex friends. Heck, when I was younger I had close male friends. We drifted apart and I really dont have close male friends anymore. BUT, if I met a male I wouldnt NOT become friends with him. Because we have young kids, because I am a SAHM etc most of my time is spent with families and other moms. Thats fine, nothing wrong with that. I do however find it odd to think its somehow MORE respectful to not have friends of the opposite sex. Its a choice one can make sure, but it really has nothing to do with respect.
We used to have a stay at home dad in our play group. I never really got to know him well as he ended up moving soon after but as an example, if he had stayed part of it I am sure there are times we wouldve done stuff with the kids, lunch, park, zoo, etc.
Dan and I have been together for coming up on 13 years now, started dating when I was 19. We are close, we love being together, spending time together, etc. OUr family is our own little world. HOWEVER, I think it is very important to not let one person be your whole world. I do plenty of things without him and he without me because we are not the same person. Also, with having children someone has to watch them