Marriage that important?

[Buddy'sParents]

So, PM's thread in General Dog got me thinking as a couple replies to the question "where do you see yourself in 20 years?" generated replies from the youngins that started with marriage and kids. Obviously I don't have a problem with marriage p ) but why is it so important that it's number one on the list of to-dos for future grown ups?

When I was 14/15/16 the last thing on my mind was marraige. LOL. I mean, I had to surivive high school first! I had dreams of going to college and getting my BA and my MA and then I thought that maybe marriage and kids would come after that.

And it ended up that I got my BA, got married and then started working on my MA. But my goal of being someone before being known as Mrs. was successful. I don't let my marriage define me, but it is certainly a huge part of the person I am today and can't even fathom the thought of living without Mit, but I could (I think ).

Thoughts?

 

[jess2416]

When I was that young, it wasn't on the top of my list but it was up there, now its the last thing I wanna do...

but I think everyone already knows my thoughts on marriage so I'm not going to drag that up again....

 

[Charliesmommy]

I think most people are raised with the idea that getting married and having kids is just what you do. I never wanted to get married, although I did anyway and it only lasted 1 year. I started listening to all my friends and family who kept telling me....you're 22 years old, when are you going to grow up and get married and blah blah blah blah blah. I would have been far, far better off to stick to what I knew, which was that marriage was not for me.

It seems like so many people are always waiting for something. My life will be good when.....

when I get a car
when I graduate
when I get married
when I have a child
when I buy a new house
when the kids are grown
when I retire......

We forget that life is NOW, not when.....

 

[Buddy'sParents]

I'm sure I had thoughts of marrying when I was that young as well but it never would have been the first thing that I thought of when asked something like where do you see yourself...

Ok, maybe I'm weird, but I wanna be me first and then get married and have children.

ETA: Good post, Charlie! We posted at the same time. I would say now, more than ever, I've been thinking about having children and would answer in the next five years I'd like to be a mother... but I'm a little (just a tad, lol) further than I was when I was a teen. I know more about life and what I want to get out of it.

 

[bubbatd]

I was brought up that you find your mate , marry and then have a family . I'm old fashioned . Marriage to me was your commitment together in front of God and the world . I took my vows very seriously . It's a different world today . And I think it's because of this that the divorce rate is so high .

 

[Maxy24]

Honestly I sorta fear my mother. I don't talk with her about boys so she asked if I was a lesbian (which I'm not), she assumes if you don't get married that you are gay. She's always talking about grandchildren and how she can't wait until I have them, I'm her only female child so I guess it's important to her. I was up stairs looking for some thread (I was making a cat toy) and found an envelope entitled "Erin's Wedding Money". I do love children I'm sort of afraid I won't have enough time for both children and dogs though, I've seen how much work children are. My cousin was not paying attention to her child for two minutes and she opened the door ran outside and fell in the pool. My aunt and uncle have twins who need constant supervision of course. I love to watch them and take care of them but then I think about doing that while fitting in hiking, going to work and doing everything I want to do with my dogs. I don't worry too much about marriage except I don't talk much and am SUPER shy and I fear divorce and cheating jerks. Anyway, I do think I'll get married and have kids, I don't now why I just do. When I am with kids I LOVE it (particularly babies and toddlers), of course I'm 15 so what do I know :lol-sign: we'll see what happens.

 

[Southpaw]

Well...I'm 16 and while I do want to get married, it's not exactly at the top of my list. I had to write an autobiography for school a couple years ago, and one of the things we had to write about was where we saw ourselves in 15 years. I might have mentioned marriage in it (it's been a while since I've read it, and I don't have it in front of me right now), but I was mostly going on about how I wanted to be a veterinarian and own my own home and have a ton of animals...

Marriage IS important to me, but because it's important I think that's why I don't want to rush out and get married ASAP. Right now I'm more concerned with what the heck I'm going to do when I'm done with high school lol.

 

[girlbuffalo1]

It's funny they recently had a guy on The Colbert Report who wrote a book about happiness and after much research he said that marriage and religion (not God, but religion) are what makes people happeist (percentage wise)--and that people with children are generally less happy than those with.

I am married and love it and wouldn't have it any other way. I always dreamed about getting married and finding "the one" and while it's not the fantasy that many think of it really is wonderful. I guess I fit the 'typical' life-script following mold in that regard.

I don't however when it comes to children (that's why I thought what the guy said was so funny). I have no interest in children, playing with them, holding one (I'm 25 and never held a baby), having them around me while I die, giving my mother grandchildren, feeling all that mushy 'love' junk. Please know that if you want to know about the Childfree movement there are lots of really helpful websites and forums to not make you feel like a freak!

I'm really beginning to think that the marriage rate dropping (or at least the ages getting higher) and the lowering birth rate are forms of evolution. I can see it for a number of reasons including our environmental problems ect..

my 2 cents!

 

[Lizmo]

Honestly I sorta fear my mother. I don't talk with her about boys

Me too Even though she can probably (maybe) guess who I like right now since I talk about him(or did when baseball season was going) all the time

Maybe's it's because I want to find that one special person to spend forever with. I don't know. All my friends are planning to get married(and some are even saying how many kids they want I'll never do that LOL) I don't want a lot of kids, heck, a year ago I didn't want kids! But I would like to have one or two. I've always been brought up with the thought that you get married, have kids, then settle down.

Though it's not my on the top of my life goal to get married, it is high up there.

 

[M&M's Mommy]

I was brought up that you find your mate , marry and then have a family . I'm old fashioned . Marriage to me was your commitment together in front of God and the world . I took my vows very seriously . It's a different world today . And I think it's because of this that the divorce rate is so high .

Being brought up by two devout Catholic parents who loves God first and formost, and love each other beyond measures, I have every reasons in the world to belive in love & marriage. As a child, I always wished & prayed that I would one day find a man as great as my dad, who would love me & our future kids as much as my dad loves my mom & their kids.

God has generously granted my wish, and I cannot be happier.

 

[RD]

I'd like to find someone to love and spend my life with. It IS important to me, to be able to have a close relationship with someone who will (should.) stand by you in life. That being said, I wouldn't consider my life a failure if I never found the right person.

Marriage in itself doesn't concern me much, I can take it or leave it. Maybe my opinion on that will change as I get older. Who knows.

 

[Dizzy]

It's funny, I always assumed I would get married.

Then I was talking about it one day and I realised, I'd never REALLY thought about it.

I don't think it would be that important. I think if I was with the right person, we'd just do what we want to do.

I'm not against marriage at all, and I wish more people would take it more seriously. And if I meet the right person, and decide that I want to be legally wed (it would not be religious at all), then I will.

It's an individual thing. I think too many people do it because it's what's expected of them, and FAR FAR too many do it for the party alone!!!

 

[squirtsmom]

I'm with Grammy.

 

[noludoru]

Society tells us it is the norm. Everyone around us is married. We see it on TV, newspapers, books, people talking... children just assume it will happen, and as Dizzy said, usually never give it a second thought.

When I was little I assumed I'd be married with kids. However, I envisioned those kids as cute little stuffed animals--not babies or baby dolls. "Married" was just a title to me that you got when you grew up--no husband in the picture there!

Nowadays.. I do not envision getting married. As you said, BP, I'd like to find out who I am and do things for me first, like getting a degree, etc. A stable life comes before guys, period. I've seen too many crap marriages to want to jump into things. My parent's love eachother, but they aren't in love. I knew this for years.. thought my mother did, too. But she just realized it a few weeks ago, realized that she's in a marriage that she never wanted and she's not happy or well-loved, and I can see how much it's hurting her. Or at least I see a small part of how much it's hurting her. Why would I want something like that? Financial stability is nice, but it's not everything, and there are other ways to get that without going to the alter.

Basically.. if someone falls into my lap I'll at least consider it. But waiting to get to know the person and choosing carefully are so important when finding someone to live with for the rest of your life, and the sheer number of people out there makes it improbable that someone who I'd like to be with is someone I would have a chance to get to know before I'm twenty or twenty-five.

As for children? I'm not a broodmare, and my genetics aren't exactly stellar, so I'll pass on passing on my genes. I don't really want children (translate: children OMG NO!) but if, as everyone and their brother who doesn't know me has assumed, I will "change my mind someday" then there is always adoption. More than enough nice children looking for homes.

And Maxy, I feel for you about the "you don't like boys so you are a lesbian" crap. I won't get into my "why is that considered an insult?" rant, but I can't tell you how many people have assumed I like girls because I don't date. My mother isn't one of them, but when all of your year-mates believe you don't like guys... oh boy is it fun.

 

[RedHotDobe]

I've never wanted to get married. I always told my mom that I didn't like the idea of marriage, and was planning on never getting married. I also made it clear that I didn't like small children, and if I somehow did get married, I would not be having kids.

The idea of marriage just never appealed to me. I did not want to have my life revolve around finding the perfect man that I could make a commitment to for the rest of my life. I wanted to be able to live my life for myself, accomplish what I wanted, and not have to rely on someone else to get me where I wanted to go.

I never went through the teenage crush stage. I had and have guys as friends because I happen to have some pretty male-dominated hobbies. And, to be honest, I cannot stand most females. I just find most people my age rather immature, and have made friends with quite a few people much older than I am.

Then Ryan appeared, and I don't know what happened. He's like the best friend I never had but always wanted. We've been 1,200 miles apart for nearly 7 months now, but when we are (finally!) together again, it'll be all the more sweeter. I wouldn't consider marriage right now, as I think we have some things to work out, but I know it's been on both of our minds since the day we met, and it will happen eventually. It hasn't been easy, but I wouldn't trade him or our relationship for the world.

 

[Renee750il]

"Marriage" as it is defined by our laws and society doesn't appeal to me at all and never has. Shakespeare summed up what I would consider an important marriage very well in his Sonnet 116:

Let me not to the marriage of true minds
Admit impediments. Love is not love
Which alters when it alteration finds,
Or bends with the remover to remove:
O no! it is an ever-fixed mark
That looks on tempests and is never shaken;
It is the star to every wandering bark,
Whose worth's unknown, although his height be taken.
Love's not Time's fool, though rosy lips and cheeks
Within his bending sickle's compass come:
Love alters not with his brief hours and weeks,
But bears it out even to the edge of doom.
If this be error and upon me proved,
I never writ, nor no man ever loved.

 

[LappieLover]

I'm 26, and all of my friends are either my age or much older. My boyfriend is 30. None of us a married, or even really thinking hard about being married.

However, all of us (with the exception of two out of the group) are in serious committed relationships that mirror marriage.

I live with my boyfriend and have for almost two years. We're very stable. Both of us work, and buy groceries and do other, domestic things together. Many people who meet us assume we're married, and we don't correct them because we see marriage as a formality.

I mean, we raise the dog and the cat together, we visit our parents together, during holidays we literally have to schedule our time so that we visit his parents from x time until x time, then we go to my parents' houses...

We really love each other alot, and neither of us can imagine not being together. This is not to say that things are always perfect between us, because they aren't. But I would never leave him because of some little, shallow argument and I know he would never leave me.

I think that we could get married if we really wanted to, but we don't. I can't tell you if its because we're really not ready, or maybe we just like having things the way they are. We've talked about it in general terms, like "Oh yeah, one day we'll definitely be married. I want to spend the rest of my life with you," type of stuff.

Marriage as a whole is just really not something that concerns us too much. I mean, neither of us are looking to have children for another 10 years, and I'm still in school (don't ask, long story LOL!).

I guess things really have changed from Grammy's time to now. However, I grew up in the country and I can tell you that things there are alot more conservative in terms of marriage/religion then things are where I live now, which is a large city.

 

[tessa_s212]

Speaking as a younger individual, marriage and kids were actually never something I really looked forward to. Where as some dreamed of weddings, marriages, kids, kids names, what sex and what order they'd like.. just never really did much of that. Marriage and kids weren't important, but my dogs, dog training, and my future career and happiness are.My dreams of helping rescue dogs, fostering, adopting, being heavily involved in transportation, etc.. and maybe even teach small classes when I'm old and much more experienced..

Well, now that I've got a boyfriend and that we are very serious, its changed a bit. I still place my goals, passions, and ambitions very high, but now the thought of marriage and kids someday isn't as unimportant as it used to be. Yet, when we do talk of our future plans together, my dogs and rescue/fostering comes up far more often than any talk of kids. He knows that is very important to me and I will not give it up.

I guess I'm with RD. I do want someone that will be there and love me, through the good times, memories, life changing experiences, but even through the fights, frustrations, disagreements, disappointments, .. through joy, pain, and laughter. The only small taste of this I've had my entire life has been my dogs.. certainly don't have a loving family.. and now that my boyfriend has given me a taste of this kind of love, I'm not about to live the rest of my life alone like I used to.

 

[ACooper]

I never thought about marriage, or planned what type of wedding I wanted.........never even pretended to be a bride when I was a little girl. I had friends that did all those things, but I guess I am just not that girly

I really just looked forward to the day I would be on my own (own place ALONE) with no brothers or sisters to bug me...........now I have a husband and kids to bug me :lol-sign:

 

[Aussie Red]

I grew up in a time where women were trained from birth to become wives and moms. Guess that is why I was always in trouble as a child because it never appealed to me. I fought as hard as I could to have a life sans hubby and children but when I was told that I was not going to be allowed to go away to college because women did not need an education and when the things that were told to me became overwhelming I found a young man who I knew would not be my parents choice. Fact is if they liked a guy I dated I dumped him. Well so be it for smarts I was in a bad marriage for 20 years but did get two wonderful kids however as a mother I have to say I was not a great one but you get what you get I guess. I will always be grateful that I have my kids but I also wish that I had just gone out and did what I had thought right for me. Do I say I am for marriage ?? No way. Live together and leave the government out of it. If it is wrong move on life is way to short to waste your time in a bad relationship. People live much longer these days and I think that has a lot to do with the divorce rate. Back in the 1800's women died in child birth and people did not live as long so a marriage would last until death because it usually ended up that way.
I see nothing wrong with living with someone and keeping your own identity and possessions. I have never pushed my kids to " tie the knot" if they are committed it is good enough if not move on.
A piece of paper and vows do not a bond make. My now hubby and I have lived together for over 10 years before legalities forced us to marry. I did not want to I was happy with just being together. Bad thing is this stupid government and S.S. and retirements and health plans do not agree. If they did I would still be " living in sin"