Adopting children

Discussion in 'The Fire Hydrant' started by JacksonsMom, Oct 12, 2012.

  1. Fran27

    Fran27 New Member

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    If you go through foster care it's free and you even get the tax credit Tanya, you just have to be prepared to have several short or long term placements before it works out... I know i couldn't do it. Although depending on your county it can be easier, some agencies will only place you with kids that are close to TPR etc. I know I looked into that first, but I was told that our county was horrible and was really going for reunification at all costs... we really didn't want to deal with that.

    I've had the opposite experience when it comes to transracial adoption, personally. My agency was encouraging everyone to join the AA program, and was cutting fees for adopting AA children (because not many families were open to AA children - got to keep in mind it was in a very white area). But there's a ton of people who are extremely offended because AA children are 'cheaper'. You really can't win.

    Yoko I'm not seeing any negative view about adoption in this thread.
     
  2. stardogs

    stardogs Behavior Nerd

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    I considered adoption a few years back and it still flits back into my mind here and there. In SC they have this page with professional pictures of the kids available with descriptions of their likes/dislikes, interests, etc. and there were several 10-12yo girls who pulled at my heartstrings (the loved animals, one wanted to be a vet), so i think if we decided to have more than one child (I *do* want to have a biological kid for sure) we'd prob try to adopt a tween or young teen instead of a baby.
     
  3. Dakotah

    Dakotah Kotah BEAR

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    I have always said that if I could never have children, I would adopt from within the US. I know there are SOOO many kids that need adopting from outside the US, but there are very many that need adopting within the US.
    I have also said that I would adopt a little mixed baby boy or girl. Don't know why, but just my preference, I reckon.

    I have looked into adoption a lot and Fran nailed in right on the head about the process. My mom was adopted when she was 2 months old (give or take a few days) from Columbus, GA, so pretty close to home. Columbus is maybe 2 hours from where I live. My mom has no interest in finding her biological parents, and some kids will be that way but others might want to know who their biological parents are, and that to me would be a huge stepping stone, but really you can't deny them that right, ya know?

    Also, adoption is a gift. You are giving a child a new home, new love, new parents, and a whole new outlook on life. I think adoption is a grand thing.
     
  4. Xandra

    Xandra Active Member

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    Not that I know much about it but I'd like to adopt a 10-14 year old. Babies don't do much for me.
     
  5. sparks19

    sparks19 I'd rather be at Disney

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    I was looking on the local site the other day and there is an 11 year old girl up for adoption and the FIRST line says "She has always dreamed of going to Disney world" and another line says "She would love a home where she could have a pet, specifically a large dog"

    GAH!!!!!

    older than I would have typically looked for and we are not in a position to do it now. not until Brians job is for SURE permanent with papers signed and not until we are in a different house but man that really tugged at me
     
  6. stardogs

    stardogs Behavior Nerd

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    I have to say the adoption listings for kids really do remind me of Petfinder in some respects - it seems so odd to me to be able to "search" for kids like you can for a pet.
     
  7. Paige

    Paige Let it be

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    Me too. It actually weirds me out.

    Anyways, I considered adoption with Briggs. I was really put off by a lot of people's case studies and how many things adoptive parents dont want to deal with. I was massively offended reading their requirements for my baby. Every file I read in more detail didn't want to children from a family of mental illness, didn't want to deal with any disabilities and only wanted a white baby. That sadly was my only experience and it really soured me off the human race. Obviously not all people are like that and I am so grateful they aren't but holy moley. How can one be so darn picky?

    I know it probably made no sense to be so offended as I fit that bit other than my family does have some mental illness. Briggs was the ethnic background everyone wanted, he was healthy and all those other things... but yeah. It made me sad.
     
  8. Fran27

    Fran27 New Member

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    Actually it's that kind of thinking that bothers me... I know it's meant the best way, but I don't want my kids growing up feeling grateful that we adopted them, like they owe us or something, or even worse, that we saved them. I'm the one who is grateful that we adopted them. They were the greatest gift for ME. They could have ended in any family, but we are the lucky ones because we got chosen.

    For me, adoption should be selfish. It should be about wanting a child, not wanting to 'save' them.
     
  9. Paige

    Paige Let it be

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    Yeah I think that about all children. The true gift is not me giving them a stable life. All children deserve that. The gift is I get to be their mother. That feeling compares to nothing in this world and I only hope I can do a fine job showing my son how blessed he has made me feel to share my life with him.
     
  10. sparks19

    sparks19 I'd rather be at Disney

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    well, good. Now I don't feel so crappy about my selfish reasons for wanting to adopt lol. I mean, I think it's important to want to give these kids a good, stable and loving home. I think it's important to want to give ANY child a stable, loving and good home no matter if they are biological or adopted.

    but for me, I'd like another child and to give hannah a sibling but I don't nessecarily want to start all over again with an infant. I keep thinking by the time said child is born Hannah will be almost 6 and that's a big age difference. Now I don't think there is anything really wrong with that, my siblings and I are all 8 or so years apart in age and we got along well enough but we aren't close now as adults. Saying it out loud sounds so stupid lol but it is what it is. Then there is the added bonus that I happen to think we are a pretty darn good home :)

    I don't think kids should be tricked into thinking they OWE their parents something (biological or adoption) and I totally believe that I am more blessed to have Hannah than she is to have us... but I am also VERY grateful for my parents. Especially my mom. I don't feel obligated or feel like I OWE her something but I love her so very much that I will do anything for her and I don't think that's a bad thing. I kind of hope that Hannah feels that same love for me when she's grown up and I'm getting old and she doesn't "need" me anymore (although I think we always need our mommies lol.)
     
  11. PitBullLove

    PitBullLove Member

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    I was put in foster care and adopted when I was 15 and it was by far the best thing that had ever happened to me. Although it was taken away from me when my mom regained custody and that shredded my heart to pieces, when I did get adopted it was the best feeling in the world. I felt, and still do feel, extremely blessed. Adopting a child is such an amazing gift to give to the child... because I guarantee you their life has been hell up until that point (foster care, halfway houses, horrific previous housing situations and terrible birth families). I can't even explain how amazing I felt when they let these people have me - it was like hell was finally over, the light at the end of the tunnel was finally in reach. :)
     
  12. Fran101

    Fran101 Resident fainting goat

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    Just to speak up on inter-racial adoptions. Since we are a mixed race family that adopted kids from quite a few cultures...

    1. Learn to do your kids hair. I know, I know, this may seem like a tiny thing lol But I've seen far too many little girls adopted from Haiti to well meaning, wonderful and very white parents who have NO IDEA how to do their hair. Find an african american friend, go down to a salon, have a seat and learn a thing or two. It isn't like your hair.

    2. There is no use fibbing to your kid about being adopted. Cats out of the bag lol so to speak. We are a tan olive skin toned family with little cousins that go from the palest of russian pale all the way to haiti's mahogany dark.. not to mention asian likenesses thrown in. Talk to your kid.

    3. Let them learn about their birth culture, but don't force it upon them. Some may want to learn the language, partake in traditional coming of age stuff, etc.. but some are just fine with your traditions :) It's very personal and not mandatory.

    4. Please don't over-romanticize these kids. They are kids.. they are not angels sent from above full of grace and gratitude. I love my little cousins, I really do. but holy hell are some of them spoiled ROTTEN. lol they can be naughty, boisterous, test their limits..they are KIDS.
    Don't hold adopted kids to a higher standard like they should be thankful for being adopted any more than you would hold your birth child to that standard because you had them

    5. Think of the changes of accepting a new culture, people, home, life... please try to be open to bringing some home comforts. Traditional baby/kids food especially.. with all going on, you don't want them not eating or getting stomach upsets to also be an issue.

    6. If someone says something.. well, stupid. Please don't blow up in front of your child. That sends the idea to them that them being adopted is a HUGE DEAL. Aka: "HOW DARE YOU SAY SHE ISN'T MY REAL DAUGHTER! AHHH!! GRR!!" goes over a lot worse than "Actually, we don't like that term..she of course is real and very much mine even though I didn't give birth to her."
    Be polite and help people understand. Some people have never met adopted kids especially those from other places. and don't mean any harm.

    7. There will be difficulties. We are one big happy family but behind that is years of adjustments, tears, laughs, problems, heart breaks. It's easy to forget because these kids are such funny, awesome little cousins but where they are from, for the ones adopted old enough to remember, it doesn't leave them.

    When I was babysitting one of the kids and watching a movie. Some disney film or something about parents. and he turned to me and said "I love mommy but why didn't the one who gave birth to me want me? Is there something wrong with me?"

    When I was playing hide and seek with all of them and heard SCREAMING and crying, ran over to a small closet and found one of the kids on the ground, crying and in the fetal position. One of the others had playfully pushed him in there to get him to hide.
    He can't be in small spaces since the orphanage used to lock him in his crib. Even when he was way too old to even BE in a crib let alone locked in one in the dark for hours and hours and hours.

    When the oldest girl comes home crying with a bad grade, not really sad because of the grade but sad because she is scared she isn't good enough to be with us.

    Or when one of the eldest boys drops a plate and then cowers crying on the floor like someone was going to beat him.

    and that's when it hits you like a freight train.

    8. Role models of their race. It's important. Not as important as a well informed, loving family of course. but it does help to know others that look more like them.. to know they aren't weird or odd, just different from their immediate family.
    Even for just the physical differences.. things like eyes, hair, skin tone, etc.. I think it's nice that they can have someone to ask these questions and see themselves in.

    9. Teach your kids to take it in stride, in humor and in honesty.

    People are GOING to ask your kid of asian/AA/any other cultural descent where she is from.
    So you might as well give her the confidence to answer truthfully and confidently.

    Even if it means them ending up like my little cousin who, despite being OBVIOUSLY asian, always responds with "Florida." and lets people just stand their and squirm before she tells them she was adopted lol
    If you freak out every time anyone asks..that will teach your child to have anxiety over it and think it's a scary/bad/loud thing to discuss.

    10. Honest to goodness, even with how diverse we all are.. 90% of the time, I really do forget these kids are adopted.

    Like, one of them had a hereditary problem and the whole family was like "Where did he get that from? Oh but what about uncle _____ or great aunt _____, oh we should all check for ________"

    this went on for like 4 hours before somebody remembered that she was adopted so it wasn't US that passed it down lol
     
  13. Barbara!

    Barbara! New Member

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    Can we add this to #4?:

    Don't be afraid to punish your child because they are "adopted". My boyfriends family lets his sister get away with murder because she is "adopted". No, just...no.
     
  14. Fran27

    Fran27 New Member

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    Awesome post Fran!
     
  15. milos_mommy

    milos_mommy Active Member

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    this!
     
  16. Miakoda

    Miakoda New Member

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    I'm on my phone, so I've got to keep it somewhat short.

    I've always wanted to adopt, even as a little girl.

    When trying to get pregnant for the first time, we went as far as to meet with the fertility doc about IVF, which was going to cost about $12,000 for 3 embryos to be implanted (2 the first round, 1 the second round if the first failed). We also met with a local adoption agency. With legal fees and all the other fees, we were looking at between $29,000 and $40,000 for a domestic adoption. I ended up getting pregnant with Cole almost two years after beginning fertility treatments (we did not do IVF).

    To put it simply, we didn't have $29,000, much less $40,000. It really broke my heart.

    But if I could adopt tomorrow, and restrictions weren't an issue, I would adopt a little girl from India. I have friends from there, and the stories I've heard of the treatment of infant girls - all young girls, really - is just horrifically heartbreaking. So many of them have no chance of life. :(
     
  17. PWCorgi

    PWCorgi Priscilla Winifred Corgi

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    Why are domestic adoptions so expensive? If someone wants to give up their baby to someone, they can't? Unless that someone spends $40,000? That seems a little ridiculous.


    I think it's funny to see this side of adoption, because I've always viewed it from where I would be (if anything, the one giving up a baby, never looking to get one by any means) and I would be so scared that I would find a good family (or NOT be able to find someone?!) and then THEY would back out and not want the baby. Then I'd be stuck with it.
     
  18. Miakoda

    Miakoda New Member

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    Well, if anyone on here gets pregnant with a girl and feels adoption is the best option for them, please remember me. :)
     
  19. Fran101

    Fran101 Resident fainting goat

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    Private adoptions I believe are different. If you find someone you know through the grapevine that is pregnant.. It's not really THAT expensive a process.
    but yea, the whole domestic adoption through agencies/government and all is very expensive. Which sucks. I think the whole process needs a re-vamp.

    Chances are MUCH HIGHER in this hypothetical that "you"/the birth mother would be the one to back out. It happens all the time. Which is why people tend to shy away from private adoptions (especially after those people have paid your rent, med care, prepared for this baby etc..)

    The healthy babies from healthy pregnant educated (no drug/alcohol history) women looking to find adoptive parents from their unborn child (commonly young students.Juno style) ...those, in comparison to kids in foster care for example, go like hotcakes. You can basically take your pick of families. If you go to an agency while still pregnant you can search through a bunch of waiting potential families and take your pick. As well as perks like medical expenses covered etc..

    Oh and if you are white? Winner winner chicken dinner.
    Sad but true.
     
  20. Miakoda

    Miakoda New Member

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    I'm "white" (Danish/Scottish/Cherokee Indian), but I don't care one iota what "color" (race/ethnicity) a child is. A child is a child is a child. They all need parents. They all need acceptance. And they all need love.
     

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