Just to speak up on inter-racial adoptions. Since we are a mixed race family that adopted kids from quite a few cultures...
1. Learn to do your kids hair. I know, I know, this may seem like a tiny thing lol But I've seen far too many little girls adopted from Haiti to well meaning, wonderful and very white parents who have NO IDEA how to do their hair. Find an african american friend, go down to a salon, have a seat and learn a thing or two. It isn't like your hair.
2. There is no use fibbing to your kid about being adopted. Cats out of the bag lol so to speak. We are a tan olive skin toned family with little cousins that go from the palest of russian pale all the way to haiti's mahogany dark.. not to mention asian likenesses thrown in. Talk to your kid.
3. Let them learn about their birth culture, but don't force it upon them. Some may want to learn the language, partake in traditional coming of age stuff, etc.. but some are just fine with your traditions
It's very personal and not mandatory.
4. Please don't over-romanticize these kids. They are kids.. they are not angels sent from above full of grace and gratitude. I love my little cousins, I really do. but holy hell are some of them spoiled ROTTEN. lol they can be naughty, boisterous, test their limits..they are KIDS.
Don't hold adopted kids to a higher standard like they should be thankful for being adopted any more than you would hold your birth child to that standard because you had them
5. Think of the changes of accepting a new culture, people, home, life... please try to be open to bringing some home comforts. Traditional baby/kids food especially.. with all going on, you don't want them not eating or getting stomach upsets to also be an issue.
6. If someone says something.. well, stupid. Please don't blow up in front of your child. That sends the idea to them that them being adopted is a HUGE DEAL. Aka: "HOW DARE YOU SAY SHE ISN'T MY REAL DAUGHTER! AHHH!! GRR!!" goes over a lot worse than "Actually, we don't like that term..she of course is real and very much mine even though I didn't give birth to her."
Be polite and help people understand. Some people have never met adopted kids especially those from other places. and don't mean any harm.
7. There will be difficulties. We are one big happy family but behind that is years of adjustments, tears, laughs, problems, heart breaks. It's easy to forget because these kids are such funny, awesome little cousins but where they are from, for the ones adopted old enough to remember, it doesn't leave them.
When I was babysitting one of the kids and watching a movie. Some disney film or something about parents. and he turned to me and said "I love mommy but why didn't the one who gave birth to me want me? Is there something wrong with me?"
When I was playing hide and seek with all of them and heard SCREAMING and crying, ran over to a small closet and found one of the kids on the ground, crying and in the fetal position. One of the others had playfully pushed him in there to get him to hide.
He can't be in small spaces since the orphanage used to lock him in his crib. Even when he was way too old to even BE in a crib let alone locked in one in the dark for hours and hours and hours.
When the oldest girl comes home crying with a bad grade, not really sad because of the grade but sad because she is scared she isn't good enough to be with us.
Or when one of the eldest boys drops a plate and then cowers crying on the floor like someone was going to beat him.
and that's when it hits you like a freight train.
8. Role models of their race. It's important. Not as important as a well informed, loving family of course. but it does help to know others that look more like them.. to know they aren't weird or odd, just different from their immediate family.
Even for just the physical differences.. things like eyes, hair, skin tone, etc.. I think it's nice that they can have someone to ask these questions and see themselves in.
9. Teach your kids to take it in stride, in humor and in honesty.
People are GOING to ask your kid of asian/AA/any other cultural descent where she is from.
So you might as well give her the confidence to answer truthfully and confidently.
Even if it means them ending up like my little cousin who, despite being OBVIOUSLY asian, always responds with "Florida." and lets people just stand their and squirm before she tells them she was adopted lol
If you freak out every time anyone asks..that will teach your child to have anxiety over it and think it's a scary/bad/loud thing to discuss.
10. Honest to goodness, even with how diverse we all are.. 90% of the time, I really do forget these kids are adopted.
Like, one of them had a hereditary problem and the whole family was like "Where did he get that from? Oh but what about uncle _____ or great aunt _____, oh we should all check for ________"
this went on for like 4 hours before somebody remembered that she was adopted so it wasn't US that passed it down lol