Adopting children

Discussion in 'The Fire Hydrant' started by JacksonsMom, Oct 12, 2012.

  1. PWCorgi

    PWCorgi Priscilla Winifred Corgi

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    So do the potential adoptive parents pay rent, food, medical care as a type of wine and dining? Or is that kinda just...what they're supposed to do?

    That seems weird to me. Unless the mom is financially strapped, why couldn't they pay their own rent? Obviously they were somehow managing before... I can see where medical coverage would be useful, because you want future baby of yours to be as healthy as possible.

    This is all very...foreign, to me. Interesting, but...odd.
     
  2. Fran101

    Fran101 Resident fainting goat

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    Oh, I meant in term of women putting their babies up for adoption..the truth is that white babies have a much easier time at getting adopted/longer waiting lists. Not that they are somehow "better" or anything of course lol I think either way, as you said, a child is a child.

    If faced with the decision, I probably would go the private adoption route. I was once told by a fertility hospital (I was there to get my eggs checked) that if I DID get pregnant, my babies would be highly adoptable and my eggs were in high demand... weird I know.
    Turns out mixed race tan babies are the new thing I suppose :rolleyes:
    I think it's just such a ridiculous concept. She went as far as to BEG me to come back for a consultation.. why? She knew nothing about me. But hey caramel colored skin!! It's so odd.
     
  3. Fran101

    Fran101 Resident fainting goat

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    I'm not that familiar with it honestly. I know it isn't required. It's just one of those..things that hopeful parents can do to sweeten the deal I guess.
    trouble is, there is no legal way to deal with it/get all that spent money back if the mother backs out. Which is an issue that happens a lot.

    I think paying medical expenses is more of a standard. The other stuff I think is just..grey area.
     
  4. Miakoda

    Miakoda New Member

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    My reply in red. :)
     
  5. Fran27

    Fran27 New Member

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    It depends. A lot of states allow the potential adoptive parents to pay for a lot of stuff :( It's awful. We purposely went with an agency that didn't allow a lot at all, just rent for 2 months if really needed. But I mean if they place their baby for adoption, they're usually financially strapped, you know? But I don't think the potential adoptive parents should pay the bill... just seems too close to baby buying for comfort for me.

    The reasons adoptions are so expensive is that it's sadly pretty much a business. Even for 'non profit' agencies, they have to pay rent, their employees, they do some advertising, they do help expectant mothers with lodging, transport and things like that... legal fees are not cheap either (it was $2500 for finalization alone). It adds up. Plus $1500 for the homestudy. If you find someone on your own (which a lot of people do), you just pay attorney fees pretty much (some states require an agency though), and it can be as low as $8k.

    Mia, there's a lot of factors to consider about race honestly. It's not about us, it's about the kind of life you can give to your child. Some people don't want everyone to look at them in the street and want a child that 'looks like them'. Some people don't want their kid to be the only black kid in school. Some people have family members who are not that open minded and don't want the child to be judged or treated differently because of that. For us it was a bit of everything. If we were to adopt now, with hubby's parents mostly gone and now that we live in a more diverse area, I wouldn't think twice about being open to race.
     
  6. Miakoda

    Miakoda New Member

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    Fran, I wasn't judging anyone by any means. :)
     
  7. milos_mommy

    milos_mommy Active Member

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    As horrific I think it is that skin color is even still a factor in adoptions, I would absolutely understand why white parents might want to adopt only a white child...just because someone isn't racist doesn't mean they're ready or able to help a child cope with all the racism around in the world...especially if the parents have never dealt with it directly themselves.
     
  8. Dizzy

    Dizzy Sit! Good dog.

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    I can't speak how other places work in terms of adoption.

    Here in the UK the child's identity is VERY important, and is used in the matching process. Matching families for adoption is a very tricky process. As much as they can, they look to find a family that meets all the child's needs, and that includes understanding their own culture and heritage. They do place children of different heritages in say a white family, but culture and heritage is HUGELY important. A family of a different heritage must demonstrate that they have the ability to manage that child's feelings and questions as they grow up.

    If I was placing a Chinese child, and there was a Chinese family and a white family, with equal footing in terms of what they could offer, I'd choose the Chinese family over the white family.

    Here we have (what some call forced) adoptions - were children are adopted without the parents consent (in child protection cases for example, where parents can't make the changes needs in the timescales for that child).

    They try to match the child to the family as adoption breakdowns are horrible (and DO happen). People have to be ready to accept that there is a reason that the child is not with the family, and may have issues because of that. If children are babies, and have spent all their life in foster care, then they might have a better start in terms of attachment, but they could have organic issues which won't arise till they're older (nature/nurture).

    The parents could have been long-term drug or alcohol misusers, or have mental health problems, or have been exposed to harms when pregnant which no one knows about.

    Attachments difficulties are the main reason these things breakdown (I am working with a girl at the moment who was adopted at 6, and it has broken down - she never attached to her parents as mum and dad - just people who looked after her).

    Children aren't always grateful that they have been adopted. And people can't forget that. It's not a fairytale...

    But, when it works, it's wonderful :)
     
  9. Fran101

    Fran101 Resident fainting goat

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    I live in a city where adoption and mixed race kids and "non traditional" families etc.. aren't uncommon.. so I guess it's a different view for me.
    I can go to the park right now and probably see two men and an african american baby, a aa woman and her white husband and their mixed child, a white mother and her asian mixed baby etc..etc.

    but I can certainly understand a family that doesn't live somewhere as open.. not wanting to put a child in that position.
    Even if THEY would love the child regardless (which I like to think, any loving person who wants kids would).. it's fair to not want to bring a kid into an environment where he/she would have to face people at school/family members/general public that isn't kind.

    It doesn't necessarily mean they are racist. It means they are where they are for whatever reason and want their future child to have the best childhood possible. And that means a life without being bullied, given the cold shoulder from family members, and having to face racism every day.

    Being adopted and joining a family is hard enough without having to go to school and face that kind of stuff or have your grandma/grandpa saying things like "That black child is not my grandchild" (which yes, I have heard)

    For nearly all of my life, my family has been my safety blanket. We are a huge, loving, loud, supportive, protective bubble that shields the kids from most unpleasantness. We went to small private schools, never really knew bullying or violence, our family dotes on children like they are all small nobel prize winners, we live in a melting pot city with people of all kinds and everyone in this crazy household of crazies is affectionate to the point of being over-bearing lol as in, my high school graduation was attended by over 100 people that flew from over 9 countries to be there. A HIGH SCHOOL GRADUATION..... not being loved or wanted is not an option.
    and I think that's why it all just..works.

    That said, I think, even with the same parents my little cousins have now, how it would be like for them without the support, living in a small town where people were hateful instead of curious, going to schools where they were bullied or lost in the shuffle, with a family that didn't love them as we do..

    and think that no, even with loving parents.. things would not have turned out so great for them home wise and behaviorally.
     
  10. Dizzy

    Dizzy Sit! Good dog.

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    People want adoptions to WORK. They are often tricky enough without throwing in a whole load of unnecessary stuff in to deal with.
     
  11. Barbara!

    Barbara! New Member

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    This. In all honesty, I plan to adopt one day. But I don't think I, personally, could adopt a black baby. It's not about being racist, I just don't think I would be able to represent that culture well or help the baby with those sorts of issues. Just not something I'm comfortable with.
     
  12. yoko

    yoko New Member

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    OK I quit reading half way through partially because I'm lazy and partially because I just woke up XD so excuse me if it rambles.

    Also Fran I quoted you the most, not because I think you are wrong just you seem to have some of the best posts here that I can comment on.

    First off I'm an adopted Korean. I've always known I was adopted and it would have been pretty dumb for my white parents to try and lie about it. So all the comments on my part are based not on adopting kids internationally but on being adopted internationally so I probably do have quite a few different view points.


    I think the one thing that most people don't realize before they adopt internationally is the problems they are going to run into are probably about 95% adults. I had my occasionally run in with a student at school. But everyone had known me there for so long even though I was the only nonwhite kid at school it was never really pointed out and if it was it was shut down pretty quick by my friends/other students.

    But adults.. omg. You have to be VERY vigilant around other adults. For some reason they don't think they have to pull any punches with kids. They are the ones that constantly asked if I missed my real family and other super personal questions.

    Also I missed about a week of school after 9/11. Not because any students bugged me, my brother, or the principals daughter who was also an adopted korean. But because the parents started throwing fits asking where we three were from and why they should trust their kids around us. It got to the point where some parents surrounded my friend *principals daughter* screamed at her to leave and to never be around their kids so all three of us were pulled from school until it was safe for us to come back.

    9/11 was horrible. I was lucky my parents stayed on top of the news and what was going on. But it was a difficult time. I was refused service at so many places. I was a sophomore at the time and that was the first time I really had to deal with full on hate filled racism. So many minorities were being beat up and shot in 'retaliation' that year just kind of sucked for me since I couldn't go a lot of places. And again all the issues stemmed from adults and not people my own age.


    Disclaimer: All my comments are based off of me, my brothers and the herd of other adopted asian kids I've had to hang out with year after year. These are kids who were adopted 5 years or younger. The majority of us were raised in the 'country' so were use to being the only minority in our school.

    Also if you made it through all this you deserve a prize XD
     
  13. Fran27

    Fran27 New Member

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    I'm not surprised that adults are the problem unfortunately. I like to believe that things improve with each generation.

    I see your point about the role model thing. I think it's more about growing up around people of the same race really - did you know any other Koreans when you were growing up? Was it important?

    About the adoption thing shoved down your throat... seriously I see it a ton in adoption forums, even if the kids is the same race... They make adoption lifebooks, read them to them, read them book about adoption, celebrate gotcha day and whatnot... It's just too much. I don't know how the kids can feel normal if their parents remind them all the time that they're adopted. For my kids we just mention their birthparents occasionally, and whenever they ask the 'where do babies come from' question we'll definitely mention that they were not born from us, but I don't think they 'get it' yet anyway...
     
  14. yoko

    yoko New Member

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    Also to anyone thinking about international adoption I can say that the BIGGEST annoyance I have is not being born in America. If you don't know where the paper work is you NEED to stay on top of it. You'll need it for drivers license, school, jobs pretty much everything. And for me because of the extra hoops it takes since I have to check 'born outside US' it took me a year and a half just to get a replacement SS card. Luckily I had a job that worked with me. But a LOT of jobs won't be that nice.
     
  15. milos_mommy

    milos_mommy Active Member

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    Yoko, do you think you might feel differently about wanting to know about your heritage or having important Korean role models if those weren't available? For example, if you grew up in a predominantly white area and didn't know ANY other people in minority groups or have the opportunity to meet other children adopted from Korea, or if you were the only adopted child in your family, do you think you would have felt more uncomfortable with your heritage?
     
  16. yoko

    yoko New Member

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    I did grow up in a predominantly white area. I was the only minority in school until I was a sophomore in high school. My Asian friends where the ones that I met when I had to go to heritage camp each summer. And even though they were asian they were all raised by white families as well. So even there the 'culture' we were exposed to was during classes. When we wrote and talked it was NEVER about being korean/difficulties with being a minority/being adopted. It was always normal kid/teen stuff. Movies, music, friends, activities stuff like that. My actual interaction with my actual Korean heritage in a normal setting was almost nonexistant.

    I honestly don't think I would feel that different. Even when I was younger and enjoyed heritage camp it was just fun because I was hanging out with kids my age. They talked about culture/traditions/language/food but I mean the fact of the matter is, is that stuff isn't mine.

    I mean it's kind of hard to explain. I guess technically it is mine, being that I'm Korean, but really it isn't MINE if that makes sense.

    I was raised knowing I was adopted and from where. My parents always had an open door approach if I had questions. But really I didn't have any.

    I don't really know how to make it clear but I see a lot of people who assume that we are missing things, feel left out, desperately want answers and knowledge about where we were from and some do but so do same race adopted children. A LOT of these questions/feelings are pushed on to us even by well meaning people/family.

    I can say the biggest issue most I have talked to have faced is they really weren't interested in where they were from. But because of movies and strangers saying we should care it does make you stop and question if you should find out these answers. You can't just say 'no I never really had any interest in Korea or my birth parents' because that always leads to 'why not? I would want to know. Don't you feel you are missing something?'

    Growing up I had more questions about if I really should care about this culture that I have no emotional attachment to at all than I did the actual culture.
     
  17. yoko

    yoko New Member

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    Also wanted to add:

    Sorry if that makes no sense XD

    It really is hard to explain to people. I can try to clarify if I need to.
     
  18. Fran27

    Fran27 New Member

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    I get it Yoko lol. So it never bothered you not to have other Asian kids around? That's kinda cool.
     
  19. yoko

    yoko New Member

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    lol not really there was never any emphasis on the fact that I wasn't the same race as my parents or on race in general so I never really noticed anything was different. I still pay so little attention to race I have trouble remembering if someone I met was black, white, asian or whatever after meeting them.

    Besides have you ever seen a bunch of asian kids together?

    Here:

    [​IMG]

    Sorry for the bad pic the only pic I have is a normal pic so I had to take a picture with my cell but it's a pic of Heritage camp. I'll be the first to laughingly admit most parents couldn't find their kids in the pic. Trying to find your asian kid in a giant group of asian kids wearing the same thing is like a weird race based where's waldo XD
     
  20. Fran27

    Fran27 New Member

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    LOL. I admit I don't know many Asian people but all the ones I've met were quite different looking.
     

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