How well do you know your SO? Do you/did you check?

I think as far as a background check on a SO or potential SOs are concerned, my feeling is that I would be more interested in what they're doing now...how they conduct themselves, how they treat me and other people, what activities they're engaged in, who their friends are etc. There's still a chance that one will be shocked at some point that maybe the person they're married to had another life, has 4 other wives, was a serial killer on the run. But if you're that paranoid, you probably should not date. LOL.

As far as a pre-nup, I don't think that's a bad idea. It IS a partnership, not just one of lollipops and rainbows, but also a business deal in a way... and let's face it...partnerships dissolve. I think the aproximate statistic is 60% of marraiges fail. With all the good intentions and resolve most people have when they go into a marraige, I think it's a mistake not to be at least a little pragmatic about it, while still maintaining a positive attitude and everything else. The fact is, IF the marraige breaks up and one party brought into it a lot of assets and the other didn't, then it doesn't quite seem fair that it should be divided equally, as it is in most states. I think what was contributed while married AND pre-marraige assets and who acquires what should be spelled out. It would eliminate a lot of bittterness, should the marraige wind up dissolving at some point. When you get married, you sign a contract regarding certain things. Why is it so horrifying to imagine another provision to the contract? No, nobody wants to think that their marraige might not last. But you can't ignore statistics.

That said, I never had either...no background check and no pre-nup.

Ryan and I have separate accounts as well, even though having a joint account would make immigration services see us as a unit more readily. The reason we didn't do this is because of his credit card debt. The bank advised me against doing a joint bank account (or rather, advised him against it with me not in the room because it was his information, then they told me after he said it was okay to discuss it with me) because they could find a way to dip into my account through his and take my money to pay his debt, if they decided to do that. His student loans were taken directly from his bank account once, so I had no desire to have that happen. It was much safer for me to have my own account, and we would figure out another way to solidify our relationship to the government.

We'll probably make a joint savings account later, but that's it. My parents have separate accounts as far as I know, and a joint savings account they put into.

There is only one paycheck in this house lol and we came into this marriage with pretty much nothing on both sides so nothing to protect there :rofl1:

Oh how times have changed....

Just remember, babe, you only get it if you are NOT a suspect in my demise.

:rofl1:

Our situation is much different then. Paul comes in with substantial assets. I insisted on the prenup to protect them. I came in with nothing. I stand to gain if we didn't have the prenup, yet I insisted on it.

I also insisted we marry under acural so I am protected from creditors of his business.

Our ANC also states that our inheritance is protected. Those both stand at substantial amounts. As it stands now, Paul earns the bacon. I have a card that he puts money into each month. I don't ask, he doesn't tell. That is just what works for us. I earn my money and use that to pay for mu phone, the maid, our dogs and my fuel for the car. I like having "my" money but he is very much what's his is mine. I have nothing to give him though. LOL

I think if you feel you need to do a background check on someone, you have no business marrying them. Marriage involves a lot of trust lol.

crud... I guess I will have beezer stop practicing on his hole digging then :rofl1:

I lied... I do bring in some money lol not much though. With my etsy shop I bring a little extra money and that's our "mad money" so to speak. It's extra that isn't spoken for as far as bills and such go. It's also not a set amount each month. sometimes it could barely be enough to pay my fees lol and other months I have a surplus (which is always nice lol). So I do contribute a little monetarily lol

it's not "budgeted" to other things so to speak lol

Intellectually this makes perfect sense, but at the same time emotionally it's just not an arrangement I'd be comfortable with personally. I don't see money as "my" or "his" paycheck or care who spends which on what as long as it's all under budget. (And for the record, until recently I was making more money than my husband.) I think it would hurt my feelings or something.

Our financial situation is funny. We always meant to combine our accounts, but I have a fabulous online bank that allows me to use any ATM anywhere. He has a bank that's on every corner for the times that require you to go see someone in person (like when we needed Euros for our Med cruise last year). We don't want to give up either of those pluses, so we never combined accounts. We're each listed on the others' account, but our paychecks come in and are deposited into individual accounts.

Then a bill comes. "Hey, do you want to pay the mortgage this month, or should I?" "My account looks good, I'll do it." "Cool"

It's all joint. It really is. I tend to buy almost all the daily things on my card--groceries, utilities, plane tickets, vacations, house purchases, etc. He usually pays the mortgage, the bills that we can't autopay via credit card, etc. Once in a while one account will get low and the other person will transfer a few thousand dollars over to even it out for the month. We just don't keep track. I would be so hurt if he wanted to keep things 100% equal. It's OUR money.

There's a big difference between youthful shenanigans, and having a series of domestic assaults to your name or multiple incidences of sexual misconduct with children. Some types of predators are far more common than people realize, and they are skilled at presenting themselves as normal, lovable people for extended periods of time (like years). They're not going to voluntarily share that type of information even if you ask.

I wouldn't fault anybody for wanting to be extra cautious about who they spend the rest of their life with. Especially when you consider that a third (or more depending where you get your statistics from) of homicides are committed by an intimate partner. And for people like my friend who are also responsible for the safety and welfare of their children I'd say it merits an extra layer of caution because those are other people's lives, and they don't get much say in what happens.

I can see that Romy....definitely. The guy I was dating was incredibly skillful at portraying someone he wasn't. When I finally figured it out, I was so thankful that I didn't marry him. That was something that was being thought about. What a disaster that could have been. As it was, he did a real number on me, darn near destroyed me, but I figured it out in the nick of time. And nothing showed up for a good amount of time. People with personality disorders (which this fella had) aren't even consciously trying to fool you. They are multi-faceted... layered and you may not see the underneath side for a long time.

So, I'm not so sure that it has everything to do with trust. I'm a tad on the fence with this one. But I can definitely see both sides.

if (God forbid) anything happened to Brian and I found myself dating again. I MAY consider doing background checks... but not at the point where we are in love and considering a real life together. I'd do it from the start and I would tell them straight up that's what I was doing.

I wouldn't wait until we had trust established and then be like "Background check time". I wouldn't do a check on someone I already loved and trusted. if I didn't care before that point in time then I shouldn't care after we've established a real relationship

and I wouldn't hide it and sneak around and order the background check.

I think that's a sensible way to go about it Sparks.

yeah and I think it would just lead to less hurt feelings than if you waited until you had really cemented a relationship with the person and if you were honest about it right up front. Don't sneak around behind their back and don't wait until you have some sembelance of trust going on. Trust goes both ways...

I watch a lot of Dateline. If I end up single again and dating I will background check the **** out of every one I meet.

This is how MY Steven and I handle things. Almost to a T, because he makes a lot more than I do right now as well.

He handles paying the bills out of one bank account, then he has his checking and I have mine, and if one of us (usually me) is short one week (we both get paid weekly, I highly recommend this lol) he'll transfer money to me or I'll send him money.

We don't split things fifty fifty because there is a disparity in our income. When he makes nearly twice what I do in one week, its not exactly "fair" for me to pay half because that would be my whole check every week almost. Its not mine or his, even though we do keep split accounts, its ours. Its way easier for us to budget doing it like this.

And I'm not sure I feel one way or the other about background checks. It can tell you somethings, but some things are also sealed or expunged off records. One of my best best friends was charged (but not convicted) with a forcible felony because he beat up a guy who punched his girlfriend. Ended up breaking the oribital socket and now its not just two 17 year olds in a fight its aggravated assault.

So really there are two sides to everything and somewhere iin the middle is the truth. Now things like spousal abuse, repeatedly or child molestation, yeah I'd want to know more about that.

Should I be worried or happy that Sparks has dating plans for after my untimely demise?

Lol. I think.

Giving this some thought.. I probably would background check the person I planned on marrying.
and I don't think pre-nups are these awful unholy documents either

Especially if..

A. I had kids already. You can't be safe enough when it comes to your kids IMO
B. I was some kind of celebrity who was rolling in money etc.. in which case I think pre-nups make sense. (there are people in this world who will lie, cheat, steal, murder, and lie some more to get their hands on and marry somebody with a lot of money from the get go)

My parents ALWAYS had separate bank accounts and I don't think it's strange at all. They both had careers, expensive hobbies etc... and they had a separate shared account/card for house and kid stuff (it was nice to keep it separate for taxes or whatever anyway) Worked well for our family *shrug*

What I do hate is when only one person works and gives the other partner allowances or whatever like they are a child or something.. Ehh NO. Since my job is taking care of our kids/the home, that allows you to do your job..so what you earn is shared.
I HATE HATE HATE HATE hearing the "Well, I really need to ask my husband for money so I can x, y, z" .. I beg your pardon?

LOL, this is how I feel, too. I'd spend all my money on dogs, and he can spend his on audio equipment. Neither one can accuse the other of spending too much on their hobby this way! For regular household stuff, I could see having a joint account though. I guess I would do both.