How well do you know your SO? Do you/did you check?

[Kat09Tails]

Without going into the realm of the drama llama would you order a background check/credit check on someone you were in a relationship with? If so, at what point would you? Dating 6 months, 1 year, 2 years? moving in together? engagement? marriage?

Reason I ask is that I know of four marriages where there were some seriously big secrets kept by one party in the relationship that didn't come to knowledge until divorce paperwork was filed in one case after a decade of being together. Big as in kids from previous relationships they didn't tell the current soon to be ex-spouse about, prison time, an extra marriage they "forgot" to tell their spouse about, dishonorable discharges from the military, 350K in debt that the other person wasn't aware of, and buying real estate with a joint account.

 

[~Tucker&Me~]

No, I wouldn't.

 

[Tortilla]

I wouldn't either.

 

[release the hounds]

absolutely not. my wife and I both had lives before we were married and we were entitled to them. I trust my ability to get to know people. It wasn't always so good, it's why I didn't get married right away.

I think finding out a potential spouse was hiring a PI or doing background checks or credit checks on me behind my back would do a lot more towards damaging a relationship than finding out they had a child from someone else.

 

[CaliTerp07]

This is why I'm so thankful that my husband and I met and married young. (We met in college, and married the year after graduation). Neither of us had any money to complicate things, no time to have had children from prior relationships, no prior marriages, no bankruptcies, etc.

I guess either of us could have had massive debts (he had $30k in student loans, but we were able to pay those off within the year after graduation, thankfully). I don't know--I wouldn't have married him if I had thought there was any chance that he was hiding anything. A marriage is based on trust. Without that, there is no marriage. I don't want to have a paper trail proving he's a good guy--I want to know him so well I have no doubt that he's a good guy.

 

[k9krazee]

I would not.

 

[ACooper]

absolutely not. my wife and I both had lives before we were married and we were entitled to them.

That.

I married for love and only love, God knows it wasn't money, LOL I love him and I'm very secure and confident in his love for me today just as I was 13 years ago. If there was something he neglected to tell me out of fear, pain, whatever reason, I'm sure we could get through it now like we would have then..........there isn't much I could think of that would ever make me leave his side.

I suppose if he revealed he had bodies buried around the backyard...... LOL

 

[LauraLeigh]

absolutely not. my wife and I both had lives before we were married and we were entitled to them. I trust my ability to get to know people. It wasn't always so good, it's why I didn't get married right away.

I think finding out a potential spouse was hiring a PI or doing background checks or credit checks on me behind my back would do a lot more towards damaging a relationship than finding out they had a child from someone else.

I agree!!

Though being 350k in debt currently is pretty important to a current relationship... But how do you never find out? I mean here at least even a minor joint finaced purchase would mean a credit check... I can't imagine hiding that! I would hope anyone I fell for would be honest enough to tell me, as well as children... I'd be pretty hurt to know my spouse never told me about that.. Though it may take time to get to some of these things depending on the hurt the person has been through...

But to investigate, seems, I don't know... Wrong... I know I'd be pretty pissed if someone did it to me!!!

 

[~Jessie~]

absolutely not. my wife and I both had lives before we were married and we were entitled to them. I trust my ability to get to know people.

Exactly how I feel. I'd never run a background check on a boyfriend or spouse. I wouldn't ever BE with someone I didn't trust completely.

My husband and I have been together since I was 17 and he was 16, so we never had to deal with having money or kids before meeting. I couldn't imagine running a background check on him now! It would be really, really dull anyway.

 

[*blackrose]

Yah, I can't even imagine feeling the need to do that. If I did, I wouldn't be in the relationship in the first place. And doing it "just in case"...nah, not for me.

 

[CaliTerp07]

Just to stir the pot, I feel the same way about prenups--if you feel like you might ever need one, why are you getting married?

 

[sparks19]

absolutely not. my wife and I both had lives before we were married and we were entitled to them. I trust my ability to get to know people. It wasn't always so good, it's why I didn't get married right away.

I think finding out a potential spouse was hiring a PI or doing background checks or credit checks on me behind my back would do a lot more towards damaging a relationship than finding out they had a child from someone else.

That.

I married for love and only love, God knows it wasn't money, LOL I love him and I'm very secure and confident in his love for me today just as I was 13 years ago. If there was something he neglected to tell me out of fear, pain, whatever reason, I'm sure we could get through it now like we would have then..........there isn't much I could think of that would ever make me leave his side.

I suppose if he revealed he had bodies buried around the backyard...... LOL

Both of these sum up how I feel.

No I absolutely would not. I can't imagine how damaging to the relationship that would be.

but coop, now dont' you think that's splitting hairs? I mean it's just bodies :rofl1:

I mean it stinks that people find out these things about their spouse after divorce papers are filed but... something wasn't right there to begin with if they are finding these things after they were already getting divorced.

It stinks to find out your spouse was lying to you but I don't think doing background checks on everyone is going to fix anything... there are lots of things that can be hidden that don't show up on background checks. I think it's just going to cause hurt feelings.

 

[~Dixie's_Mom~]

No, because like blakrose said, if you feel that twinge of doubt to start with, you probably shouldn't be with the person anyway. I believe that those types of feeling mean something deeper, and I listen to them. I wouldn't marry someone I didn't trust 100% and I would probably ask at some point "is there anything from your past you haven't told me yet that I should know?" and if they say no, and are lying, then (though it would obviously be painful) then when I found out they were lying (and why) I would probably end the relationship if it bothered me enough.

 

[sparks19]

Just to stir the pot, I feel the same way about prenups--if you feel like you might ever need one, why are you getting married?

I agree on this one too.

it just seems like you're saying "Ok so when this falls apart... and it WILL... I want to make sure I get out with all of my money"

I wonder if there is a statistic out there that says how many marriages with prenups last until death do them part. I just can't imagine many of them would lol if they are already going in with the idea that it's not going to last.

 

[Taqroy]

If I'm running a background check on someone it's because I don't trust them to tell me the truth. And if I don't trust them to tell me the truth then why am I marrying them?

You may or may not get screwed if you go about marriage/relationships this way but....if I found out a potential SO was running a background check on me that relationship would be DONE. What a huge breach of trust.

 

[LindaJD]

In the last couple of years, I have changed my mind on this issue. In my state if you have any criminal back ground, say even something minor at age 17, it severely limits you on getting a job. My son has a couple of friends that did something stupid when they were 17, (2 were 17 and 1 was 18) they are now 23 and the only jobs they can get are under the table crappy jobs. None of them could get student loans because they had a record. None of them has been in trouble since because thankfully they have parents that help them out, but every place they apply to does a background check. Knowing what I know now at my age, I might do a background check and make my decision from there. Anybody that marries these young guys should know the financial hardships that are in store for them.

 

[zoe08]

I would not do a background check on a potential spouse. If I didn't trust them I wouldn't marry them. I am thankful DH and I got together fairly young, so I was there for most of his young adult life. I was fully aware of the bad things he had done when I married him.

Just to stir the pot, I feel the same way about prenups--if you feel like you might ever need one, why are you getting married?

I agree with this, too.

 

[sparks19]

In the last couple of years, I have changed my mind on this issue. In my state if you have any criminal back ground, say even something minor at age 17, it severely limits you on getting a job. My son has a couple of friends that did something stupid when they were 17, (2 were 17 and 1 was 18) they are now 23 and the only jobs they can get are under the table crappy jobs. None of them could get student loans because they had a record. None of them has been in trouble since because thankfully they have parents that help them out, but every place they apply to does a background check. Knowing what I know now at my age, I might do a background check and make my decision from there. Anybody that marries these young guys should know the financial hardships that are in store for them.

I get the point you are making but don't you think they would discover after dating for a while that they aren't able to get or hold a job? and the first time you try to apply for any joint financial thing it would come out very clearly that there is an issue....

and are these boys lying about their past? Are they telling girls that all is hunky dory and they have great jobs and make great money?

I just think this is something that would be discovered easily enough without running a background check on someone you supposedly love

 

[Doberluv]

In the last couple of years, I have changed my mind on this issue. In my state if you have any criminal back ground, say even something minor at age 17, it severely limits you on getting a job. My son has a couple of friends that did something stupid when they were 17, (2 were 17 and 1 was 18) they are now 23 and the only jobs they can get are under the table crappy jobs. None of them could get student loans because they had a record. None of them has been in trouble since because thankfully they have parents that help them out, but every place they apply to does a background check. Knowing what I know now at my age, I might do a background check and make my decision from there. Anybody that marries these young guys should know the financial hardships that are in store for them.

That's not true....that they can't get good jobs. There are ex felons working at Boeing. And yeah, how could someone not know that their partner isn't working at a good job? It would totally be discovered by me. If he weren't bringing back massive paychecks regularly, he'd be in the discard pile automatically.:rofl1:

 

[Fran101]

Other than both of us getting tested before having sex.. nope.

That I do because it's not necessarily a secret hiding thing but more of a, he didn't know thing.
Our school does them for free with like no wait time so hey, why not.

Oh and I facebook stalk lol but that's it