Discussion in 'The Fire Hydrant' started by Dizzy, Oct 19, 2012.
This.. I would have a very hard time with the lying aspect
Good responses, fair, and giving me lots to think about.
For me just because my last bf was a douche I'd probably leave.
Life is short and I want to spend it with people I care about and who care about me. If someone doesn't care enough to just be honest I'm gone.
That being said in your case you don't sound like you want to leave. I'd sit down and talk and like others said maybe a counselor might help. But that would depend on if he really wanted to work on it.
I haven't read a lot of the responses, but I do have a question.
Why an open relationship? I just don't understand how anyone can do that. I'd like to understand. Why would you choose an open relationship with someone?
Sass hit it on the head! Why is he doing this, and then why lie about it? Is he likely to be lying about other things? Can you trust him, or will you be able to trust him in other areas now?
I'd have to say if it was just having an online account and he was just browsing a dating site, i could get past it (if I was a woman). But by contacting and messaging these women, it goes past what I'd find acceptable. The fact that the messages were dirty, tells me there's more there than he'll ever be honest about and at this point I wouldn't care.
He could say whatever he wanted, i probably wouldn't believe him. Is he telling the truth or what he wants you to believe is the truth?
It's not an "open relationship", we are just not closed to things. The issue I have is the lies.
I don't believe him right now. On much. You're right, I don't want to leave, I probably won't, but I expect some answers, and we'll see....
I just wanted to throw in some (((((((((((((((((MAJOR HUGS))))))))))))))))))
I'd be willing to bet that he lied about it because he wanted to have his cake and eat it too. If he didn't lie, then he wouldn't be able to have both you and his "secret dating site identity." He knew it was wrong, obviously, but if he told the truth he'd be outing himself.
I know you recently moved in with him, so I'm wondering if he's having committment issues. He wanted to back out of getting a puppy due to committment issues, so I'm wondering if that flows through to other aspects of his life. Being able to dirty chat and share photos with other random girls still allows him to hold on to that feeling of being single.
Hopefully he opens up about it... but really, the lying is the part that would bother me the most. Will he stop doing it, or will he just be more careful about hiding his tracks in the future?
That would kill me if I ever found Josh sending naughty messages back and forth with multiple women. I am unsure if I would leave. I would certainly consider it and big time.
If you, in your heart, 100% believe you both can completely resolve the issue, I don't see any downside to staying.
But...if you have doubts, if you think this behavior might continue, if he might lie about more, or do anything else inappropriate (be it his behavior towards other women or hiding things from you), leaving is going to be a lot harder one or two years down the road than it is going to be now. Don't stay with him because you don't know where else to live or you don't want to leave Fred. Stay with him because you think this is a one time, minor, fixable issue in a relationship with a man who is otherwise a great match for you and enriches your life.
I definitely agree.
I would not be comfortable with such choices by my S.O. I'd need to leave, I need total trust and devotion to our partnership to feel comfortable and balanced.
I've been in a repeated chances relationship and while I do believe people can and do change I also believe it hurt too much to wait for that change, which ever happened for him, to show.
If trust is being broken by being told lies, what is there left?
I wonder what his motivation is to hide it from you? I mean, since you have told him that's it's okay with you if he does it, you just want him to be open about it?
I don't know what I would do... I'd probably drag him to couple's counseling and see what comes out of it. I believe that while earning trust back is one of the hardest things, it can be done. It takes time and a lot of effort, but it can.
See, this is why I'm not packing my bags.
HUGS HIGS HUGS I would be hard , but i would do my all to try to work it out. Chris and I have a 10 year and a crap load of kids to consider. I think the only thing I would actually leave over would be Violence , anything else we could work through.
I hope you and he can come to somewhere where you are ok with it and life is back to being awesome! HUGS HUGS and have another bottle
I just want to mention that I think unless this man is willing to go to some serious (and probably on-going) counseling (not just a session or two) and really does have a desire to change, this doesn't sound like the kind of behavior that's just him experimenting or testing boundaries or like a one-time thing.
Cheating is NOT a black and white issue...but in situations where the person is, say, thrown into a situation like a bachelor party, or meeting someone else coincidentally JUST as they've started fighting with their SO, or they've had a dating profile for years that was inactive and someone randomly messages them and they can't resist....those sound like one-time things.
A man going out of his way to create a false profile and taking the time to initiate messages to multiple women and making a pronounced effort to hide all of this does not sound like a one-time thing.
For me lies are a deal breaker. I want to be able to openly talk about everything. If the relationship is not working for one of us I want to talk about it openly...I do not want one of us to sneak about behind the other one's back.
My first marriage ended with lies, and secret online accounts...an affair and after much counseling and couples therapy.
You need to know what is acceptable for you and what you think the next steps should be in your relationship. If you feel you should stay and can hash it out that is what should be done...decide what you need from him in order to rebuilt trust and respect...it is hard to still respect someone after something like this.
He's in the spare room, that's all I can say for now.
I don't know what will happen yet. Just want to bury this thread now, think I've got the perspectives I wanted, thanks.