What would you do?

Discussion in 'The Fire Hydrant' started by Dizzy, Oct 19, 2012.

  1. Dizzy

    Dizzy Sit! Good dog.

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    If you found out your significant other was using dating websites?

    Because I just did.... I suspected for a looooooong time, confronted him more than once, but confirmed it tonight. He's lied to my face, and even lied when I confronted him (said it was recent, message history says not). I asked him to give me the username/password which he did.

    Fake profile, not even a picture of him. Messages to multiple women. Pictures shared, some long back and forth messages. All naughty stuff, some boring chat.

    To clarify, we're pretty open minded, and I'd told him it wouldn't bother me really if I knew about it, and he was open about it, but he lied. Again and again.

    I feel totally calm. Mainly because I knew. I knew, and I told him, even when he denied it.

    What happens next though? What are you meant to do? He's "sorry", I told him he's sorry he was caught (last message he sent was an hour before I confronted him, I was next door).

    We generally have a better relationship than most, I THOUGHT. Open, talk, laugh...

    Sorry, I don't really have anyone to talk to about it.... I can't see me leaving him honestly.

    I don't hide anything from him. He can even read this if he wants. I have no secrets.

    Would you leave someone for messaging other women?
     
  2. AllieMackie

    AllieMackie Wookie Collie

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    I wouldn't leave someone for messaging other women.

    I sure as hell would consider leaving someone if I caught them lying about something like that.
     
  3. milos_mommy

    milos_mommy Active Member

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    My ex did this.

    At this point in my life, I'd walk. Been there, done that, not going down that road again. Do I think messaging women for kicks online is some kind of horrific act of infidelity? No. Lying about it, IMO, is much, much, much worse. And, in my experience, if someone lies about something like that...they're probably lying about a whole lot more.

    If he's willing to explain why he's doing it, come clean about it, and consider maybe therapy or helping to come up with a solution to fix it, that's a good sign. If he's still trying to make excuses or not willing to admit whatever effed up self-esteem issues are making him do this, get out of there.
     
  4. Dakotah

    Dakotah Kotah BEAR

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    I am a jealous type, if you are with me, its me and me only. No need to message or talk to other women in the *naughty* way <<< THAT would make me mad. Talking to another woman is fine, my boyfriend has kids so he talks to their mothers and that is all well and good, but no need to be all "lets go do naughty things to each other in naughty places."

    I would talk to him some more. I think it is definitely wrong he lied to you, lying doesn't get anyone anywhere with me, so again I would be pretty upset, more hurt than anything.

    Personally, I don't think its the fact that he messaged other women, its the fact that he LIED to you.

    Maybe I am looking at this all wrong and me being sick and incredibly ill today doesn't help the situation but still. I put my 2 cents in.
    Hopefully y'all can continue to talk about it and possibly come to a crossroads about it?

    ETA: The two above me answered it better than me lol
     
  5. Dizzy

    Dizzy Sit! Good dog.

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    He's not saying a lot.... He can't really, he's been totally caught out. He's lying because he knows what he's done is wrong and he's trying to cover his tracks. He's been a cock and he knows it.
     
  6. Beanie

    Beanie Clicker Cult Coordinator

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    If you guys have an open relationship as long as he's honest about it, no, that's not something to leave him over.
    BUT since he LIED about it...

    Yes. Yes, I would leave him over it. And since you say he's continuing to lie even after he's been caught because he KNOWS what he did was wrong...

    I would be gone so fast.

    I'm really sorry. =<
     
  7. Dizzy

    Dizzy Sit! Good dog.

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    It's the lying I'm bothered about... I believe in working at stuff, so I'm not packing my bags. I'm wondering how to deal with it. What I need to see from him.

    I'll leave him if I need to, I told him that. I don't WANT to though.

    I really am feeling calm though. It's almost relieving to know I was right. Just drinking red wine, chilling with the dogs :)
     
  8. Fran27

    Fran27 New Member

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    Really hard to say without being in your and his shoes to be honest. I guess it depends what kind of future you want with him. And if he's willing to change. I'd have no problem with hubby messaging other women, but purposely going on a dating site to find women there... it would make me uncomfortable. That he lied about it would make me feel even more uncomfortable, like he feels he has something to hide. If he feels he has to hide something from you, it's probably more than just for kicks and to have fun.

    I'd definitely try and get to the bottom of it, and why he did that, then lied about it.
     
  9. milos_mommy

    milos_mommy Active Member

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    I believe in working on stuff, too. If I was in a committed relationship, I wouldn't automatically walk because someone messed up, even cheated, maybe if they lied.

    But if he's unwilling to talk about it, and continued to lie about it even when confronted...there's nothing you can do. If he's not willing to work on his issues, or your relationship, you can't work on them alone.

    In your position, what I'd need to see from him would be 1) an explanation of why he did it, and why he lied. A GOOD explanation. 2) what he plans on doing to prevent a situation where he feels the need to lie to you again. 3) What you can do to help him control his behavior
     
  10. CaliTerp07

    CaliTerp07 New Member

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    If it were us, in our marriage, we'd probably seek counseling. If I had found out before we were married...I'm not sure I would have stuck around. The lying is pretty hurtful.
     
  11. release the hounds

    release the hounds Active Member

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    when you say you're open minded, does that mean open relationship or just you try to keep an open mind about things that may come up?
     
  12. Red Chrome

    Red Chrome New Member

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    I would leave. Quickly and in a cloud of dust. He lied. Not just once but multiple times and is continuing to lie after being caught.

    I understand relationships are work and require effort, but when one person is a liar, nothing will ever work out. He will continue doing it after this and continue stepping on you. There are plenty of men out there to date and find a decent one that isn't a liar and doesn't have sexual conversations with other women.

    *If you were in an open relationship. Then that's a different story. Although I wouldn't forgive the lying.
     
  13. Dizzy

    Dizzy Sit! Good dog.

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    I am not bothered about talking to other women *if it is open, mutual, just for fun*. I'm bothered he lied and it was secretive/naughty.

    I wouldn't normally share something like this publicly, but I'm in limbo, and a lot of my local friends are his, and own friends are miles away.

    I'm wondering what to do.

    If I leave I have no home, no Fred, not much of anything. And I do love him.

    It's funny. Being on the outside of something REALLY is different to being IN it. It's never so clear!
     
  14. katielou

    katielou Slave to the Aussie

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    Will he agree to sit down and talk about it maybe after you both have had time to think and he doesn't feel defensive?

    Maybe then you can decide if you would like to seek someone professional for you both to talk to.
     
  15. Dizzy

    Dizzy Sit! Good dog.

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    He's actually not being defensive. He's being gutted, like you'd imagine. He had two accounts. One normal, one naughty. He's stupid!

    He doesn't want me to leave. We shall see what he says.
     
  16. katielou

    katielou Slave to the Aussie

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    Silly boy!
     
  17. CaliTerp07

    CaliTerp07 New Member

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    It sounds like you don't want to leave--which is fine. But with chronic liars, unless something changes big time in the way they view the world, it's going to continue on forever.

    I dated a guy for 4 years who was a chronic "don't tell the girlfriend anything that might upset her (i.e. lying by omission)" type guy. It didn't matter how many times I called him on it, how many times I fell apart into tears because he hadn't told me something extremely important, etc...it was his personality, and it wasn't going away.

    I would seriously consider communication counseling, so that he can learn how his being so secretive/lying is not a fair part of a relationship, and so that you can learn how to bring up concerns in a productive way.
     
  18. *blackrose

    *blackrose "I'm kupo for kupo nuts!"

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    If it was my boyfriend...I would be very, very upset. Not only would I consider it a personal betrayal (akin to cheating), I would NOT be able to stand the fact that he hid it from me, and then lied to me about it. I would probably consider counseling. I would also consider leaving.

    If I were in your shoes, I would want an honest, indepth discussion about the issue. Why he felt the need to do it, why I was upset, and how are we going to fix the problem and move on.
     
  19. ~Jessie~

    ~Jessie~ Chihuahua Power!

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    I would definitely be upset if I caught my husband chatting dirty to other women online, especially through a dating website. The fact that he lied about it makes it even worse.

    I'm really not sure what I would do. It's easier to say "I'd leave" when you're hearing about it from the outside. I've been with my husband for almost 10 years, and I don't think I could leave him over that (even though it would take a long time for me to rebuild my trust when it came to him and other women).

    I guess I'd want to know why he did that, and then felt the need to lie about it? Obviously he knew he was doing something wrong and didn't feel sorry, since he lied about it on more than one occasion. I'd be afraid of him doing it again, and his lack of committment.

    How long have you been dating? I know you've only recently moved in with him. Do (did) you have plans of getting married?
     
  20. sassafras

    sassafras mushinois

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    If you want to try to work it out, I think you two have to figure out a few things and it may take professional help to do so.

    One, what need, exactly is he filling with this activity? Is it as simple as enjoying the attention of women, or getting his rocks off, or is there something deeper? Is he somehow testing your feelings for him? Is they lying just adding to the thrill or does he actually think he did something wrong?

    Two, do you want it to stop. And if you do, is he able and willing to stop.

    Three, if you want it to stop, and he agrees to stop, what exactly will it take for you to trust him again?
     

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