I feel very blah. I mean I know I should feel all is well and happy rainbows because I have food and a roof and a cuddly cat but I feel very empty as well. Not indignant or angry enough for this to be a vent, just hollow and unsatisfied, like, yeah empty.
Partly because I go to work and even the other youngest coworkers, 19, 20, 21 years old, have horses and dogs and they show their animals and they're teams! and they have titles and actually accomplish things. And they have friends and their parents don't have irrational anger issues about their pets and they even have nice significant others and all that. Plus because most of them have horses, they get to do most of the really exciting stuff before I can and I just feel uber replaceable.
I just feel like I get so close to what I want, and always have to concede and listen and watch everyone else do so great. Reminds me of my senior year. Working so hard in my classes, staying up all night, running track, going through so much fatigue, getting depressed again, and showing up in class to listen to the other AP Bio students talk about "but why are you so tired? i could do another 6 pages for my neuroscience thesis!" and no matter how hard i worked i was starting to fail and for many of them it was effortless.
Meanwhile the one guy, the one friend I've ever been really close to and able to tell anything, is MIA because of drama an ex-friend caused last year that has legally messed up his life and he's around my age. Knows me and my deep-inside issues better than anyone else but now it's so complicated because of that, he's not around to laugh with or fall asleep with on the really hard nights and I'm wondering if I can even keep up what we have. Similarly to with my dogs, because of someone's irrationality. If a relationship will really work after LDR, it will be nearly impossible it seems, but I don't want to concede what we've taken four years to build.
I don't feel depressed the same really bad way I did last summer, but just in a sense of being resigned. Like, to the point it doesn't quite hurt anymore, just numb and thinking "this is it. this is where i always am. it is my place." To be honest I'm so used to it I "like it" in the sense that it's comfortable from familiarity. But I don't even really know I'm just kind of living the motions like a solitary little urban badger. Doot do doot. Trundle along.