Need some advice, friend afraid of Tosca

[ToscasMom]

I'm not sure if this belongs here, so feel free to move it if it doesn't. I have a behavior problem. Not with Tosca, but with a lifelong friend and her reaction to Tosca. She's afraid of her.

It's not that Tosca has ever done anything to her and she admits that, but ever since Tosca has gotten some size on her, she is afraid of her! She's so uncomfortable around Tosca that I really don't know how to handle it. I hate putting Tosca in another room and poor Tosca is very friendly and I can't cite her for being friendly. She doesn't jump on my friend, but she does greet her and bring her her toys. And my friend practically freezes. Tosca will also follow my instructions and lie down when she is here, but she wants to do it in the same room. It seems my friend is STILL not comfortable even with that.

I have talked to my friend about it and she can't really explain it. She did say that she never really interacted with bigger dogs. Her family has had dogs but they were always toy breeds. Tosca's not THAT big, but to her she is.

My friend feels bad about this and doesn't really WANT to be afraid but she just has this feeling that Tosca can hurt her. I have noticed she stops by less. This morning she dropped something off here and left really fast. So I think this is a real issue I would like to deal with.

I am hoping to resolve this in a way that doesn't make it necessary to remove Tosca from the area when my friend visits. I always had a problem with locking my pets out of a room for someone. But still, I do value this friendship. So...........how do I handle this?

 

[skyeboxer]

How about you desensitise your friend? Maybe instead of shutting Tosca out of the room, get a baby gate so Tosca can see and be seen? After that maybe she can be kept on a long line (Tosca, not your friend) within the same room. Maybe reserve a very special treat to stuff a kong with only when your friend is there so Tosca is much more interested in that than in greeting the friend?

Is she like that with all dogs, btw?

 

[ACooper]

That is a hard one. Your friend probably has to be the one who wants to work with you on making things better......I don't know what you could do to change your friends mind since Tosca isn't doing anything wrong.

Edit to add: Great idea about the babygate skyeboxer!

My mother has always been deathly afraid of any dogs, and she doesn't really want to change, so she is the only person I will put the dogs away for.

 

[DoglessInSeattle]

If your friend really wants to get over her fear, maybe she could take a walk with the two of you. Tosca may be less interested in her than in the great outdoors, therefore behaving nuetrally towards your friend.

Maybe your friend can work up to helping you with a training session??

 

[ToscasMom]

Skye I never even thought of a gate. I have several and I could do that! Coop, I have seen her interact with her own family dogs just fine, but like I said, they are little thangs. I just think that she has never really been near larger dogs for any period of time and it's daunting for her. Maybe the gate will help, and even if she remains afraid, at least Tosca can hang out near us like she wants to without making her uncomfortable.

 

[Doberluv]

Would your friend be willing to undergo a desensatization "program" that you could conduct? It should work on humans just the same way it works on dogs, by classical conditioning. We all learn this way.

The dog will be at some more comfortable distance. A very pleasurable sensation, smell, touch, taste, sight, hearing (apply to all of the senses) will be paired simultaneously with the appearance or entrance of Tosca (from a distance). Eventually, the pleasurable thing will be introduced a second or two after the appearance of Tosca. Tosca will become the "good thing."

Gradually Tosca will do things from that distance, move around, sit, shake hands and all the while, your friend will be given good things. Vary the things. Have someone else give them to her so you can hande Tosca. Gradually move Tosca closer, doing all the same things.

Tell your friend to "come to class" once a day for 1/2 to 1 hour. In a few weeks, when she is comfortable with the presence of Tosca a little closer to her, you can remove the candy, bouquet of flowers, smelly good stuff, fancy bars of soap, beautiful music. (just some ideas) Tosca will look a whole lot better to her.

Then when she is ready, have your friend go for a walk with you and Tosca. Let her hold the leash if she is game. Ask her to ask Tosca for a sit and give a treat to Tosca. This way, she'll feel more engaged and bonded with Tosca...more trust should ensue.

Ok...that's my beginning, rough draft of an idea. Will keep on thinking.

 

[Doberluv]

Wow, I missed all those posts while I was typing and thinking. LOL.

 

[Doberluv]

Using a baby gate is a way to prove to the person that she won't be harmed....that is if we're talking about a logical thing. However, if I understand this correctly, phobias are not based in the cortex or conscious, thinking part of the brain. They come from the limbic system. Logic doesn't always reach phobics. The thing that they're afraid of IS a real thing that anyone might be afraid of. Dogs bite so it's not illogical to be afraid. But there is a point where it becomes illogical and no amount of reasoning, as Tosca'smom has tried connects. This is where it has switched into the autonomic nervous system and that is the "vehicle," I think which needs to be applied through.

 

[ToscasMom]

Dober, I think she WOULD participate in that. I think she feels really badly about how she feels.

Is it the lavender scent that relaxes? Maybe some Mozart. Like you said, all that subliminal stuff in the background helps with other forms anxiety so why not this? I kind of see this as a form of targeted anxiety to begin with, because there really is no cause for her to fear Tosca and she knows it. So it's just a size thing, I think. She's not afraid of animals, at least I never knew her to be before this. I mean, my cats are always all over her. So really, it's just a Tosca thing with her, very wierd.

I would be willing to try these things and I am pretty sure she will try it to. Like I said she's not happy that she feels this way.

 

[Buddy'sParents]

That's sad.

I don't have anything to add, but I think some of the ideas suggested are great!

Good luck with it.

 

[Doberluv]

It might all be B.S. but it's just a hunch. Sounds good anyhow. She could maybe talk with a professional human psychiatrist too to see if there's something "they" do regularily for this type of thing. It is definitely a shame and a real nuissance to have such a fear. It gets in the way, causes embarrassment, metabolic changes and a whole lot of bad stuff. And I'm sure it really torments your friend. I sure wouldn't take my idea to the bank. But she should really see someone and ask....even just a few sessions might help.

 

[DemitriousK]

sounds like a friend problem, not a dog problem

 

[ToscasMom]

I don't think she would go that far (psychiatrist). I think desensitizing her might help though. It's definitely irrational. I mean I have known this person for forty years and I just think it's worth working on. I would hate to find our friendship slowing down because of it and I know she wouldn't want that either. I guess most people would just put the dog in another room, but I've always been a person who felt that if people don't like animals they just shouldn't visit me. I am willing to go the extra mile for her because it's just some wierd thing going on about Tosca's size. Funny, she had no problem when Tosca was a smaller puppy. So it's just a size thing. I mean, it's not like Tosca looks mean or even does much around her other than try to seduce her. She has known her since she came here so I think it's confusing for Tosca.

 

[DemitriousK]

maybe you could work on some clever tricks, like Bowing for your friend, or fetching a flower from somewhere? Just something to endear tosca to her?

 

[ToscasMom]

Hey Demitriousk, I have an idea. I should get a Fila so then Tosca will look small to her again. That ought to solve it.:yikes:

 

[DemitriousK]

:d Eg

 

[Buddy'sParents]

Hey Demitriousk, I have an idea. I should get a Fila so then Tosca will look small to her again. That ought to solve it.:yikes:

Sounds like a perfect plan!

 

[ToscasMom]

Oh now is that flower idea cute or what?

 

[bubbatd]

All good ideas ..... if she wishes she could change !

 

[ToscasMom]

Tosca, do NOT eat that flower. Tosca do NOT eat that flower.