I need to rant again

[Paige]

As I said it my last thread my ex and father of my soon to be child said he wanted nothing to do with either the baby or myself, didn't love me anymore and that was not a very easy thing to hear, but it was well worth hearing. I junked my phone so he couldn't get ahold of me and have honored his wish of being left alone. That was five days ago on the 9th. He sent me a message yesterday at 1am, though I didn't recieve it till much later in the day. I didn't realize that when I removed him off my facebook I failed to block him as well. He wanted to have a heart to heart in person and asked if he could come over.

WHAT COULD YOU HAVE LEFT TO SAY AFTER THAT? Five days is not enough to have a change of heart. Not when we only just stopped being involved two weeks ago, yet you've gotten yourself a new girlfriend and moved on since from a relationship you were in for two years. Why would he think I'd want to have a heart to heart? The only thing only thing left to our relationship were our strong feelings for each other but that's even gone for him. So what the heck could be left to any of this that would be worth discussing?

My head hurts. I know I should just drop it as he's crazy making. Im not responding but I can't help but wonder what the heck is going on through his crazy head right now. I understand the situation was not planned for, we used protection, it failed, and he's freaking out and can't make up his mind what he's doing. But I've also been allowing him to be abusive too. Enough is enough. I can't do it this time.

I know a lot of you older, wiser members or even you younger ones with less life experience will say that this whole relationship was not really love and maybe one day with age I'll agree. But as it stands right now I don't have the slightest doubt I do love him and the only thing that holds me back is knowing it's not good for our baby for me to go back. I don't even know if that's what he wants, but Im assuming it is as right as our pattern goes, 2.5-3 weeks after he scampers off things start back up again. So for right now I won't for the baby and in time I know I'll have the strength to not put myself in those kinds of situations ever again for myself.



I think in the years I've been on Chaz the last two months I've posted more personal information than I ever have before. I am sorry for my baby drama. I'll let you all get back to your lives again.

On a happier note the baby can kick so hard now that if I put the laptop on my belly and it bangs me one it moves it! So cute.

 

[Bailey08]

One of the worst things about breakups is that you often (usually?) still love the person afterward.

I know you know all of this, but I'll repeat it anyway. The likelihood of him coming around and being the person you and the baby need him to be isn't great. (And, as you said, the likelihood of him coming back for a little while and freaking out again is pretty d@mn high.) You are going to have to get over him, so it's best to start the process now, to avoid additional heartache, and hopefully to be in a much better place when your little one arrives.

Which, unfortunately, doesn't make the process of getting over him any easier. It sucks, and the best thing for it is time.


((((Hugs))))

 

[ACooper]

Enough is enough. I can't do it this time.

This is the very best thing you can do for yourself AND this boy right now Paige. It maybe hard, but trust that it's the RIGHT CHOICE. People will ALWAYS treat you the way you LET THEM.........you've let him get into this hurtful pattern and now it's high time you show him you are growing up/maturing even if he's not. If it helps him mature and grow, that'll be GREAT, if it doesn't, well, that'll have to be just fine too.

I know a lot of you older, wiser members or even you younger ones with less life experience will say that this whole relationship was not really love and maybe one day with age I'll agree.

I am one of those older members, I might even be wiser because I've been through junk just like you are going through now. I have no doubt you think you love this person, I wouldn't stoop to tell you otherwise. The feelings you feel for him are very strong and convincing, I'm sure your heart actually HURTS over this mess.

But here's my prayer for you dear. I pray that you will meet someone REAL. Someone you can love and will love you back like you deserve. Someone who respects you and cares about your feelings. There's a whole bunch more to love than just that strong feeling in your heart/gut. That's the start, then you grow, respect, caring, consideration, compromise, the list is long and you deserve ALL OF IT not just the parts his maturity level can spare.

When you've experienced the love along with the respect and caring, you'll be able to look back on this current relationship and see it for what it is.

 

[puppydog]

Boys are STOOPID! Keep it up as long as you can sweetie, and know that we won't judge you.

 

[mjb]

It could be that he wants to talk about the baby. It may be that he's thinking (or being told) that he should not walk away from the baby, whether or not he has a relationship with you.

He sure hasn't proved he's the kind of guy who's going to stick around, and a child needs someone he/she can count on all the time. I don't know how much rights he has as the father, though.

 

[bubbatd]

Let him talk ... then walk away ....he'll never change .

 

[HayleyMarie]

He sure hasn't proved he's the kind of guy who's going to stick around, and a child needs someone he/she can count on all the time. I don't know how much rights he has as the father, though.

THIS ^^^

You are a strong, powerful woman and you have proved that. A child does not need a father who is constantly in and out of its life. As he pleases. Its not fair to the child or you. (((HUGS))) and more (((HUGS)))

 

[Paige]

I would love it if he had changed his mind about our baby but I really doubt it. I know who he goes to for support and they're all advising him to just walk away from the situation. So it's not like any wise words were said. Last thread I made I said how he only wants to sign and be the child's father so he can have control of the situation. Which leads me to believe, though I really wish I had reason to think otherwise, this is once again an issue of him trying to be controlling.

 

[darkchild16]

Paige I was where you were 2 years ago. Same age as you too. You do love him, just like I loved Josh. BUT that love is NOT going to be beneficial when this baby comes. I wish I had told Josh to stay away alot earlier then I did. I wish I could do that part over again. I even fooled myself into thinking that after the baby was born and he saw his daughter that would change it. It didnt, it just made it hurt worse. Because then there I was with a newbrn greiving for a man I should have already been done greiving over. Ive talked to him twice since Bev was born both times it was the same song and dance "I love you guys I want to be apart of your lives." He was off sleeping with someone else while I was in labor and ended up getting her knocked up and is now married to her.

Ive been there seen it and done it. Stick to your guns about not talking to him. Greive fo him now instead of later. Do not put his name on the BC if he wants it there so bad make HIM shell out the money and do it. The more control over you guys he has the harder it will be on the child since he obviously does not want to be there for his child.

Bev loved to do that too!!!

(((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((HUGS)))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))

and ((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((MORE HUGS)))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))

 

[milos_mommy]

Paige....I don't know what to think about this guy. I think not responding right now and seeing if he pursues it further might be a good idea...and if he tries again ask what he wants to talk about.

To me, honestly, it sounds like he might WANT to be involved but is being convinced it's not what he should do. Don't get back together with him, if he truly loved you he would not do this to you...he knows it hurts you and he does it anyway. What he says to you is unforgivable.

But don't write him out of your child's life. I had a father sometimes growing up and sometimes not. My parents were married but weeks might go by without me seeing my dad, then he'd spend days with us, being a doting parent. Once they divorced and he married (though he was no saint, his new wife was a horrible, horrible, mentally abusive person) I cut off contact, which at first was sporatic, with my trying to give them another chance. Later in HS I thought having no father at all would be better than having a shitty one, but now I'm not sure that's true.

This guy sounds SO much like my father...I'm sure he will love the baby but perhaps not want it, not want fatherhood, not want family life. My dad was an okay-not great- person and a terrible father. But I don't doubt that he loved me, he just didn't know how to show it (and loved himself and his freedom more).

Don't make any drastic decisions. You don't need to respond to him now, or talk to him, or decide what to do. But don't decide to cut him out forever, either.

Also, unless he is financially supporting you or really fighting to be involved, take (some) of Breeze's advice and don't put his name on the birth certificate. If he's a controlling dirtbag and only gets worse, that spells all kinds of trouble. You know, he knows, and baby will know who the father is and if he wants the right to see and know his child, fine, but he is obviously not responsible or trustworthy enough to have legal rights.

 

[Renee750il]

I would love it if he had changed his mind about our baby but I really doubt it. I know who he goes to for support and they're all advising him to just walk away from the situation. So it's not like any wise words were said. Last thread I made I said how he only wants to sign and be the child's father so he can have control of the situation. Which leads me to believe, though I really wish I had reason to think otherwise, this is once again an issue of him trying to be controlling.

Paige I was where you were 2 years ago. Same age as you too. You do love him, just like I loved Josh. BUT that love is NOT going to be beneficial when this baby comes. I wish I had told Josh to stay away alot earlier then I did. I wish I could do that part over again. I even fooled myself into thinking that after the baby was born and he saw his daughter that would change it. It didnt, it just made it hurt worse. Because then there I was with a newbrn greiving for a man I should have already been done greiving over. Ive talked to him twice since Bev was born both times it was the same song and dance "I love you guys I want to be apart of your lives." He was off sleeping with someone else while I was in labor and ended up getting her knocked up and is now married to her.

Ive been there seen it and done it. Stick to your guns about not talking to him. Greive fo him now instead of later. Do not put his name on the BC if he wants it there so bad make HIM shell out the money and do it. The more control over you guys he has the harder it will be on the child since he obviously does not want to be there for his child.

You got it straight from someone who has been in your situation about as exactly as any two situations can be alike, Paige. I don't think anyone can give you any better or more succinct advice -- ALL of it.

((((((((((((HUGS)))))))))))))

Control and keeping you on an emotional rollercoaster IS a type of abuse, Paige. The bottom line has to be asking yourself, "what kind of emotional environment do I want my child to grow up in?"

At this stage in the game, I want to tell you to take him off of your FB and anywhere else he can contact you easily -- rip the bandaide off all at once and be done with it; but you're the only one who can make that call -- sometimes it is easier to let go a little at a time.

Can you continue to love someone you've realized you can't respect?

 

[darkchild16]

Paige....I don't know what to think about this guy. I think not responding right now and seeing if he pursues it further might be a good idea...and if he tries again ask what he wants to talk about.

To me, honestly, it sounds like he might WANT to be involved but is being convinced it's not what he should do. Don't get back together with him, if he truly loved you he would not do this to you...he knows it hurts you and he does it anyway. What he says to you is unforgivable.

But don't write him out of your child's life. I had a father sometimes growing up and sometimes not. My parents were married but weeks might go by without me seeing my dad, then he'd spend days with us, being a doting parent. Once they divorced and he married (though he was no saint, his new wife was a horrible, horrible, mentally abusive person) I cut off contact, which at first was sporatic, with my trying to give them another chance. Later in HS I thought having no father at all would be better than having a shitty one, but now I'm not sure that's true.

This guy sounds SO much like my father...I'm sure he will love the baby but perhaps not want it, not want fatherhood, not want family life. My dad was an okay-not great- person and a terrible father. But I don't doubt that he loved me, he just didn't know how to show it (and loved himself and his freedom more).

Don't make any drastic decisions. You don't need to respond to him now, or talk to him, or decide what to do. But don't decide to cut him out forever, either.

Also, unless he is financially supporting you or really fighting to be involved, take (some) of Breeze's advice and don't put his name on the birth certificate. If he's a controlling dirtbag and only gets worse, that spells all kinds of trouble. You know, he knows, and baby will know who the father is and if he wants the right to see and know his child, fine, but he is obviously not responsible or trustworthy enough to have legal rights.

Im dealing with both sides of the spectrum with both of my kids. I think I have a tad bit of experience with this for one. Letting him in the childs life if he isnt going to be mature about it is going to do nohing but hurt the child with the way the guy is. You dont want to know how messed up Connor is from the stuff his mother is pulling because she FINALLY decided she wants to be a mother to the point that she will put down his parents to him. No parent should have to see their kid in that pain. I was also on the childs side of things and I can tell you I cant praise my mom enough for keeping my sperm donor out of my life. He tried to kidnap his first daughter when my mom was pregnant with me for control.

If he truly wants to be a father to this baby why shouldnt he have to prove it? Why shouldnt he have tomake the effort hes not making now?

 

[milos_mommy]

He should have to prove it. But he can't prove it without a chance.

You can't assume just because you don't want your sperm donor in your life no child will. There isn't a right or wrong answer here, both courses of action have pros and cons and all Paige can do is add in this guy's history and feelings and what's right for her and mostly her baby. It's not a light decision, and she shouldn't just get it in her head to stay away, or get it in her head that he'll change or be a good father. Only time will really tell.

Paige says he's controlling, but hasn't given any examples...is he controlling to the point of being dangerous or abusive (emotionally or any other way?). You can't compare a confused kid with terrible influences to a man who tried to kidnap his daughter.

 

[Renee750il]

He should have to prove it. But he can't prove it without a chance.

You can't assume just because you don't want your sperm donor in your life no child will. There isn't a right or wrong answer here, both courses of action have pros and cons and all Paige can do is add in this guy's history and feelings and what's right for her and mostly her baby. It's not a light decision, and she shouldn't just get it in her head to stay away, or get it in her head that he'll change or be a good father. Only time will really tell.

Paige says he's controlling, but hasn't given any examples...is he controlling to the point of being dangerous or abusive (emotionally or any other way?). You can't compare a confused kid with terrible influences to a man who tried to kidnap his daughter.

Paige doesn't have to give us any examples. She's far and away intelligent enough to take anything we say and apply it to what she knows and come to her own conclusions.

And being controlling IS abusive. The degree is the only thing in question.

Breeze can, though, compare this "confused kid with terrible influences" to Josh. Pretty much a no-brainer there, except that Josh DID at least say he wanted to be a family at the beginning and didn't bail until later on, mainly, I suspect, because of those terrible influences.

 

[darkchild16]

Im actually comparing multiple kids and from the parents stand point. Kids seem to repress the things that hurt them (been there done that dealt with it all on both ends). Ive seen what the back and forth can do, and I have felt what the back and forth can do. Ive seen the hurt it can cause a child and I have dealt with the confusion from both sides. Ive seen a perfectly normal kid get to the point that they arent that because of a parent like that. No child deserves that and no parent deserves that.

 

[milos_mommy]

There's controlling like "I want to know what's going on with my child at all times even if I'm not going to be responsible for them" and there's controlling to the point where there's telling people what to do and what not to do and controlling resources, etc.

Maybe I'm just an exception...I'd cut my father out of my life when he got very involved it because he was only do it because of his new wife, and I couldn't tolerate her. But for most of my childhood and even now, I'd rather have a father sometimes, a father who is irresponsible and selfish, then no father at all. I never felt like he left because I wasn't good enough or we weren't good enough, of course I have some issues from it (like a fear of growing apart from people) but I'd have other issues if he stayed, or if he was cut out of my life completely by someone else's choice. I can guarantee I'd resent my mother if she made that decision (especially if I found out he was interested in being involved), would seek him out, etc.

My father was not a very good person. He was occasionally verbally abusive to me and my brother, and physically abusive to my mother (pushing her, throwing things at her). Thinking back, he was only abusive when he was scared. If we got hurt, he'd scream at us. He missed plenty of birthdays and science fairs and school concerts, but he also made about half of them and always took us for ice cream after, played video games with us, made an effort.

I don't think this guy is a bad person. I don't think his only motives are control or money or whatever. I think he legitimately has an interest in doing the right thing, he just doesn't know how and struggles with it.

It's up to you, Paige, to decide if it will be better for your child to have this father, or no father.

 

[darkchild16]

And yet MOST kids I know who grew up like I did (not knowing the bio father) praise their mothers for it. I know I do. My father became interested ONCE after I was born my mom said ok go ahead and call and we will talk about it in a few months. You know what. He never called again. He got drunk one night and felt bad that was the ONLY reason he called. Josh didnt call until I tried to get in touch with him. Another mother I know wanted nothing to do with the kid really until the father tried to take him out of state. Now she has him so confused he doesnt know what end is up some days. My dad played the in and out of my life game for a few years because of the women in his life. Ive seen ALL sides of it and dealt with all sides of it. I know the reprecussions of it. I can tell you in alot of ways that I am more well adjusted and better off because my father was NOT in my life. My issues dont come from him at all. I can tell you the kid whose mother is fighting and confusing the child would be better off without the mother in his life some days. I can tell you which of my kids is more well adjusted and comfortable in their skin even with the age difference.

I can tell you if Jeremy acted like your father he would have a restraining order against him keeping him from the children. No child deserves that.

 

[Zoom]

Paige, for starters, it really means a lot (to me anyway) that you have chosen to open up. I've always really liked having you around on the board.

Now, as far as the boy goes. I'd adjust your privacy settings so he can't see anything you're posting on your facebook. If he really and truly wants to follow through on what he is saying, let him send you multiple messages. One message does not a changed mind make. On that front, I know this situation well. I'm still getting messages from an ex, begging me to talk to him again and we've been broken up for a year now. He might still have real feelings, he might still just be upset that I was the one that took control of the situation and did what was best for ME. It was very similar, up and down, never really knowing where things stood...it was exhausting and mentally damaging.

I know you love him and want him to be a part of your baby's life but Paige, I think you really have to know that he is NOT going to be father material. The fact that he is already involved with someone else, the fact that he's lied and cheated on you multiple times, just since you became pregnant, are all very good indications that he is NOT the one for you or your child. Don't put him on the BC. I'm not saying to totally cut him out of everything, at least not yet. Let him see your baby and see what happens. Or he might completely bail before that part.

Basically, what all this rambling is saying, is "I agree with Breeze and would listen to her."

 

[M&M's Mommy]

I think, if there is a slightest chance that he wants to be a father to your child and involved in his/her life, you should give him that chance.

 

[Pops2]

Boys are STOOPID! Keep it up as long as you can sweetie, and know that we won't judge you.

this 100%