I need to rant again

[Saintgirl]

I legally emancipated from my parents when I was a teenager. I know tough childhoods, I was in the foster system, many of the friends I had were in the same boat. I was one of the lucky ones and ended up in a foster home that was a wonderful home. So I feel that I am qualified to talk about really screwed up families.

Paige, I don't envy you one tiny bit. You are about to embark on a tremendous journey as a mother and a single mother as that. I wish that I could tell you the road ahead will be easy, but parenthood is never easy. But I can assure you that the love you will feel for your child will be the single most amazing thing you have ever felt. As a mother you will want to do the best by your child that you can. And that will be your job...you are not the father and it is not your job to be that. Your ex will either step up to the plate or he will not. The most you can do for your child is to be the best mother you can and be there for your child when it needs a parent. If your ex chooses to not be a part of your childs life, that should be his decision. You will be there either way and that is what will matter the most when the child becomes an adult. Trust me...this I know all too well. Not everyone has had the same experiences Breeze has had, I disagree that your child will think it best if you keep the father away. And this is coming from someone who has also been there.

If the father is abusive to the child- then sure! He should not have any role, but if he is the worst dead beat dad in the world he is still the childs father and that doesn't make you any less of a mother. Don't worry about his role, worry about yours. And things will unfold the way they will.

 

[Beanie]

This is really simple and it's what Breeze said: if he is REALLY interested in being part of his child's life, he isn't going to just send out one message. He'll keep trying to contact you. He will find a way to contact you and let you know he wants to be a father... IF he really wants to.

Here's one thing I wouldn't do if he DOES continue to try and pursue this. I wouldn't go meet him face to face to talk without bringing somebody else with you - somebody you trust to sit there and really pay attention to the conversation and tell you what he REALLY said. It's hard when you are in the middle of the situation and your emotions are going every which way to be able to listen and hear what's actually being said (or not said) instead of what you expect you're going to hear, or what you want to hear. Having somebody you trust there to listen and call a spade a spade will help a lot.


And another thing I wouldn't do, and probably the most important: do NOT sleep with this guy ever. again.


Men are not idiots. They know when somebody has strong feelings for them. They can use that to their advantage. Having somebody care for you that much is quite the ego boost and it's nice to have that "sure thing" around. It's nice to have that to go back to whenever stuff starts to get bad. I'm not even talking sex, it can be just emotional too. That's the situation I was in years ago - he knew I loved him and he LOVED to feel loved. If things were bad, I was always there to basically stroke his ego back up because of how much I loved him. But when things were good, I wasn't needed. He actually hurt me so much one time that I was ready to be done with it all... and he came back again. And I didn't say it to him, but I said it to myself - this is the last time. I will not put up with this anymore. He has one last chance to prove that he really IS sorry, that he really DOES want this relationship to continue, and if he can't prove it this time, I am done with him completely.
And I wasn't surprised when he suddenly disappeared again. And it was over. Just like you, I had reached that point of enough is enough. I knew that last go around what the result was going to be. I was already done, because I already knew how the story would end.

It's not to say that I'm not still hurt about it or sad that things had to end the way they did, but I don't regret not having him around. I don't miss him. Do I still love him? Yeah, there's a part of me that's always going to love him. But loving somebody doesn't mean you'll end up with them and live happily ever after, or that you have to continually take whatever they dish out at you...
it just means you love them.

 

[Renee750il]

It's not that the *father* is directly harmful to the child, it is the pressure and battles that happen when a pseudo parent decides to take an interest in his/her child, mainly out of spite or a perverse desire to control the other parent. Those battles can't be avoided, either, because the REAL parent is bound to try to protect their child to the best of their ability, and all too often the system makes that very difficult, if not impossible.

Is cutting a sperm donor out of a child's life the best scenario? Of course not, the best scenario is that he is a good father, whether or not he's with the mother, and puts his child's best interests ahead of his own wishes. That's a very rare occurrence, and often the best choice for a child is to give him/her a chance to get a peaceful start in life without being torn and pulled back and forth. Give the child a chance to feel loved and secure and know that there is one parent who is unconditionally there for them, that way, if the other parent wants to become a part of their life later, the child has a foundation and a basis on which to help them decide how much trust to place in a parent who may or may not be deserving of that trust.

Children need security; they don't need someone who is going to jerk them around and play on-again/off-again, now he loves me/now he doesn't or use them as a weapon.

EXCELLENT -- WISE post, Beanie

 

[mjb]

It seems he would have to show enough interest in being a father by paying child support. If he's not interested in paying child support, he's not interested in being a father.

My brother paid child support, but he always sent extra, and when he found out other expenses came up, like braces, he would pay for all or half of the added expense. He was not required to do this, and his ex did not even ask him to do this. He did it because he was the father, and it was his responsibility to do so.

He also was a long-distance father, so he was probably trying to make up for the guilt of not being able to be at all the events parents should be at, like school plays, etc.

 

[AGonzalez]

I think you're right not to have any contact with him Paige. If he is controlling/abusive to you, it's most likely he will be that way with a child as well - there are studies on domestic violence etc. that prove that statement to be true - I can send you a copy of the paper my classmate wrote with these sources if you'd like.

In my experience, I wish I could have bailed on my ex before my oldest was born. He was very controlling, abusive, you name it. He became abusive to our son when he started being a typical toddler. Now my son has to go to counseling and it's taken years for him to be "normal" about a lot of things. He's almost 7 and still has nightmares about it, and wets the bed he's so scared.

I'm not about to tell you what to do. But any man that is controlling/abusive to someone he supposedly loves, is not someone you want to be around your child. Sounds like he needs to do some growing up and pull his head out of his ass if he ever wants to be involved in your childs life - and that's how it should be.

 

[PixieSticksandTricks]

Honestly this roller coaster he has you on is not good for you or your baby. I know you love him and don't doubt that you both were in love through out your relationship. But it seems like every time you think your guys are "okay" he goes and freaks out and doesent want to be around you. Until he does again. It is not right and sounds like he needs to seriousely grow up and realize this isn't just happening to him. This isn't just hard on him.

Just my opinion on the situation though.

 

[joce]

Remember many many people are not parent material,man or woman. But many do step up to the plate enough at one time or another. Some people are slower than others

The biggest thing I think you need to remember now is you have history with this guy no matter what. Many times people who have been together a long time break up multiple times before it sticks because there are so many feelings there and once you split up you miss that person even if its not a good relationship for you. It is easy to go back to what you know.

Do not cut this guy out of the babies life unless he makes that decision. And even then give baby an identity for dad,save pictures and keep in contact with any relatives who you do get along with. People can say being without their dad was better if he was abusive or just a plain jerk,but there is no arguing any child will do better knowing their parents both love them,even if dad can be a jerk sometimes. I had a lot of friends who grew up with single moms,some never even knowing who dad was,and there was a lot of pain there. One friend even had a son in her same situation with dad out of his life,lots of issues there. You have to weigh pros and cons when dad is abusive but either way there will be issues there. My parents fought like mad at times,but apart they are great people. either could have claimed the other verbally abusive and controlling.

Start setting limits with this guy. You do not want to have this go back and forth forever. Email him with dates of appointments and that he is welcome to the birth and that you will then have to work on a visitation schedule. If he declines for now let it go till he contacts you for the baby,not because he is bored or misses you.

We are here for you,not ideal I know but there is always someone here to talk. I wish I lived closer and could help in some way even if it was just to listen.

 

[Renee750il]

People can say being without their dad was better if he was abusive or just a plain jerk,but there is no arguing any child will do better knowing their parents both love them,even if dad can be a jerk sometimes.

How do they do when they have a parent who is present part of the time, or who wanders in and out of their lives and DOESN'T love them? How do you teach a child that they should expect more from someone they love -- that they DESERVE more -- when you tell them -- lie to them -- that someone like that "loves them?"

 

[milos_mommy]

How do they do when they have a parent who is present part of the time, or who wanders in and out of their lives and DOESN'T love them? How do you teach a child that they should expect more from someone they love -- that they DESERVE more -- when you tell them -- lie to them -- that someone like that "loves them?"

Children learn what's wrong and right...you don't need to say "you're father's an asshole" flat out, but as long as the child has someone teaching them how to love and what to expect from love, they will grow up making their own decisions about what kind of person their parents are.

You can't say someone doesn't love their child because they're not there rock-solid all the time every time or because they don't know how to be a good parent. Especially since this guy has been interested, and it seems to me from Paige's posts that it's not just because he wants to hurt her or be in control.

 

[joce]

How do they do when they have a parent who is present part of the time, or who wanders in and out of their lives and DOESN'T love them? How do you teach a child that they should expect more from someone they love -- that they DESERVE more -- when you tell them -- lie to them -- that someone like that "loves them?"

You explain to the child that there dad has issues(at an older age) but wants him to do well. If dad says thats a lie to the child obviously you can see he is better off without. Just because a parent is not around does not mean they do not love their child. A birth mom can love her child and never see it again. Mentally ill people can love their children(and this guy could be bipolar with some of his reactions,any history?)and be in and out. No parent is perfect and many down right suck. some people can not handle the stress and you will never really know why they are not around. It is better to have them in occasionally than never imo though.

 

[ACooper]

The way I see it, everyone can argue back and forth over a good dad, bad dad, asshole dad, and anything else all day long.

But what Breeze said sums it up for me too (I've been there with my oldest son)

Paige SHOULD NOT put his name on that birth certificate. That will create so many more legal problems for her than she needs. That in no way means this boy should be cut out of that baby's life by Paige...........THAT all rides on his shoulders. If he wants to step up and be a dad he has that option, but I wouldn't hand it to him on a silver platter. I wouldn't be driving the kid to him, wouldn't push for him to spend time, wouldn't make ANY effort.........he would have to do it all. Period. After the past they've shared, it rests on him now and that's the way I would let it play. If he fades away, so be it. If he stands up, great. Either way, there's no use giving him a legal foot hold without any effort.

She doesn't need a relationship with him (and vice versa) for him to be a father, that would be ideal, but isn't reality for thousands of families out there who make it work. He can date and marry whomever he chooses and STILL be a father to this baby if he stands up. That's how I see it.

 

[Paige]

I hope so guys. I really do. But everyone, even mutual friends of ours, keep telling me I'm being an idiot for even considering that he's going to step up. I have a hard time even admitting he is controlling because I don't like to see it. I'd probably have gone on with my head in the clouds a lot longer had I not gotten pregnant. I'm worried about our child and how if the behavior continues it will negatively impact their life. He's not a jerk by nature. He's very subtle about mind games and I am pretty sure most of the time he's not even aware he's doing it. Which makes dealing with him even harder.

I've never had the intention of cutting him out of our child's life if he wants to be involved. But I also really don't want to be controlled by a dink who has no interest in being a father. I can also say being raised by a single mother who had four children with four different fathers NONE of us missed having a dad around. I am the only one who knew mine and when he walked out when I was 10 I wasn't sad. He wasn't apart of my life enough to feel that way.

 

[AGonzalez]

You explain to the child that there dad has issues(at an older age) but wants him to do well. If dad says thats a lie to the child obviously you can see he is better off without. Just because a parent is not around does not mean they do not love their child. A birth mom can love her child and never see it again. Mentally ill people can love their children(and this guy could be bipolar with some of his reactions,any history?)and be in and out. No parent is perfect and many down right suck. some people can not handle the stress and you will never really know why they are not around. It is better to have them in occasionally than never imo though.

That's all fine and dandy, but how do you explain that to say, a 5 year old, who is used to having a "father" in and out of the picture? From what I've seen, it's more detrimental to them to have someone who is in and out of their life, leaving them with doubts that someone loves them or not, than to not have the asshole around at all.
I have to disagree here. It leaves smaller children confused to have someone popping in and out of their life and leaves them wondering why that person doesn't WANT to be with them. Then the questions start with "why doesn't dad want me? why doesn't he see me more often, does dad still love me" kind of stuff...you can lie all you want, but children resent that when they realize the truth. My ex was in and out of my oldest's life for a year, and it has left a serious lasting impression. His father finally decided that he wouldn't see him at all, and it's been 3 years now...so when that unstable person in the relationship bails out on the child, how do you explain that? "Oh your father still loves you he just doesn't come around because..." because why? No REAL MAN should have to have a mother lie to their child about their whereabouts or say they have issues...that's immature.

As a parent, it's your prerogative to protect your children, even if that's from mental abuse from the other parent - and someone popping in and out of a child's life and leaving them confused IS mental abuse, whether they mean to do it or not.

/rant

 

[milos_mommy]

Paige, you are so smart and so much more savvy and willing to the right thing here than so many others.

Let him be a father as much as he wants or tries to be. But don't let him push you around and treat you like crap. And he certainly doesn't need any legal rights.

 

[Bailey08]

I legally emancipated from my parents when I was a teenager. I know tough childhoods, I was in the foster system, many of the friends I had were in the same boat. I was one of the lucky ones and ended up in a foster home that was a wonderful home. So I feel that I am qualified to talk about really screwed up families.

Paige, I don't envy you one tiny bit. You are about to embark on a tremendous journey as a mother and a single mother as that. I wish that I could tell you the road ahead will be easy, but parenthood is never easy. But I can assure you that the love you will feel for your child will be the single most amazing thing you have ever felt. As a mother you will want to do the best by your child that you can. And that will be your job...you are not the father and it is not your job to be that. Your ex will either step up to the plate or he will not. The most you can do for your child is to be the best mother you can and be there for your child when it needs a parent. If your ex chooses to not be a part of your childs life, that should be his decision. You will be there either way and that is what will matter the most when the child becomes an adult. Trust me...this I know all too well. Not everyone has had the same experiences Breeze has had, I disagree that your child will think it best if you keep the father away. And this is coming from someone who has also been there.

If the father is abusive to the child- then sure! He should not have any role, but if he is the worst dead beat dad in the world he is still the childs father and that doesn't make you any less of a mother. Don't worry about his role, worry about yours. And things will unfold the way they will.

I agree with this.

I hope so guys. I really do. But everyone, even mutual friends of ours, keep telling me I'm being an idiot for even considering that he's going to step up. I have a hard time even admitting he is controlling because I don't like to see it. I'd probably have gone on with my head in the clouds a lot longer had I not gotten pregnant. I'm worried about our child and how if the behavior continues it will negatively impact their life. He's not a jerk by nature. He's very subtle about mind games and I am pretty sure most of the time he's not even aware he's doing it. Which makes dealing with him even harder.

I've never had the intention of cutting him out of our child's life if he wants to be involved. But I also really don't want to be controlled by a dink who has no interest in being a father. I can also say being raised by a single mother who had four children with four different fathers NONE of us missed having a dad around. I am the only one who knew mine and when he walked out when I was 10 I wasn't sad. He wasn't apart of my life enough to feel that way.

I think, right now, you should focus on cutting him out of your life. Get as far down the "getting over him" road as you can before the baby is born. Don't allow yourself to start thinking that he might do a 180 and be the man you want him to be (to the best you can ). And then see where things stand when the kiddo is here.

In my opinion, a parent should not bad mouth another parent and should not prevent the other parent from spending time with their child (so long as the parent is not abusive toward the child). There are ways to manage your interactions with him that will still be protective of you, but allow him some time with his child (to the benefit of the child). And hopefully you can manage a civil relationship with him and co-parent.

I really think that working through a lot of your emotional "stuff" with him will help you be able to take a step back when it comes to your child, and evaluate what is in his or her best interest.

(((((HUGS)))))

 

[MPP]

Others have other ideas, but I think having a father float in and out of a child's life, bringing presents, raising hopes and expectations, and then just--leaving; I think that would be far, far worse than no contact at all.

Children blame themselves when a parent fails. They think, "What did I do wrong?" "If I were a nicer person, Daddy would love me." "If I try really hard, Daddy will come back." "I'm such a loser; no wonder Daddy doesn't want me."

Joce's advice is spot on. Realistic, compassionate, but tough. If the guy wants to be a father, let him work at it.

 

[Paige]

An update:

Well he decided to come over anyways. I didn't want to talk in my house so we talked in the park beside it. Which had nothing to do with the baby. He just wanted to tell me in person I guess (apparently the phone and e-mail wasn't enough) that he can't do this anymore and doesn't want any part in anything. I listened to him rant and be upset, he asked if he could feel my stomach, I said sure. Then when I thought I'd keep it together I broke down when he was about to leave. He said "Good-bye Paige" and walked away without looking back.

/sighs

You know, I think I'll always love him in some way or another, but when he walked away I got what he was saying. I fell out of love with him in that moment. I care about him so much and want nothing but the best for him but the magic is gone.

 

[darkchild16]

((((((((((((((((((HUGS)))))))))))))))))))))))))

(((((((((((((((((HUGS))))))))))))))))))))))))))

PM me if you want to talk

 

[milos_mommy]

Paige....I don't believe that if you truly love someone you ever stop loving them in some way. I don't know if he was your first love, but it will get easier (at least being without him will get easier...the baby thing probably won't get any easier for like 24 years).

 

[puppydog]

Good for you. I think you handled it well.
So easy for a man to say "Hey, I don't want this" and walk away. It is the woman who has to, ironically, man up and take responsibility.
You will do great!