flatmate dilemma

Discussion in 'The Fire Hydrant' started by GoingNowhere, Feb 8, 2012.

  1. GoingNowhere

    GoingNowhere Active Member

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    Bear with me - I almost never post anything remotely personal online and I'm even second guessing myself now, but I'd really like some random opinions that are hard to get from family and friends.

    Dilemma is as follows:

    I have an apartment-mate (not a roommate, mind you). We each have our separate bedrooms, but share a living area and kitchen. She has a separate half-bathroom, but we share a shower.

    Boyfriend has been coming over regularly for the past several weeks and started spending the night a few times a week. I've also had some friends over here and there. No parties, never more than four people at a time. Usually just movie nights/talking or even study groups. No alcohol ever. Roommate told me that the regularity of "visitors" was stressful to her (although she is at least acquaintances (if not friends) with every one of my friends & boyfriend) so we agreed to an 'every other day' policy (i.e. I'll only have anyone over every other day at most). I was okay with that. Not thrilled, but it seemed like an even compromise. Newest dilemma is that she recently told me that the overnights are bothering her. And that's where I need opinions. We've agreed to an 8x/month policy, but all of these restrictions are starting to make me feel like I'm living with a parent, not a roommate.

    She even brought up the rent in her argument, which struck me as odd since he doesn't use any of the "amenities" here besides my personal space and sometimes the couch in the living room when it's free. Nothing I wouldn't be using by myself.

    She goes to sleep early and gets up after me during most weekdays, so often she won't see the boyfriend at all. We haven't been keeping her up, I asked. I think she's just extremely introverted and me having someone here weirds her out to a degree. It's just frustrating. I'm sticking to my word because I know that it's important to be a good roommate, but I'm really starting to feel like I'm not living in a normal college situation. In almost every other situation living wise, we get along great. And don't get me wrong, there's been no passive aggressiveness or anything of the sort. She's been extremely good about telling me if/when something is up which I'm extremely grateful for. I just don't necessarily like what she has to say. Unfortunately going to his place is not an option because he has a legitimate ROOMmate.

    Opinions/advice? Is our compromise reasonable or am I getting the short end of the stick?
     
  2. HayleyMarie

    HayleyMarie Like a bat outa' hell

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    Personally, I would tell her to suck it up. Hes your boyfriend and if she hardly sees him whats the big deal? And you have already made and agreement to cut back on the whole having friends over.

    I think cutting back on having friends over is resonable, but her wanting you to not allow you BF over is not, personally I would tell her to get over it.

    Do you know why its making her uncomfortable?
     
  3. Kat09Tails

    Kat09Tails *Now with Snark*

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    I would ask what her concerns about the BF are because IMO... she needs to get over it.

    Sharing space means that you will have to "get over" the person's company - within reason. If the BF was staying there 5 out of 7 days a week I might say something to you about adding someone else to the lease but so long as the rent is paid, he's not walking the common space in the nude, and there's no issues with things going missing - having the boyfriend stay a few nights a week is not a big deal and certainly not something that you should be required to schedule someplace that you live and pay for.
     
  4. yoko

    yoko New Member

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    I mean me personally if my apartment-mate had someone over every other day it would wear on me. Maybe back off on friends and have bf over? One normal person over wouldn't bug me. But coming home to a house with up to 4 people every other day would stress me out too.

    Granted people stress me out so even if they were people I kind of knew it would bug me because I need more than one day to have on my own.

    Really it just sounds like you guys don't match up socially. So while I think she should stay with the original agreement I would give some advice to try and look at it from her side too. Some people just aren't very social and like quiet alone time and to only have one day of quite only to be followed by coming home to more people there the very next day can be stressful.
     
  5. GoingNowhere

    GoingNowhere Active Member

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    thanks for the opinions so far, I appreciate it. Yes, it is seeming that we are on different social schedules. :( It's something that's just coming out to me now.

    To answer the question of why I think it's weirding her out, I think it's a combination of things. First and foremost, I just think that it's new to her (she's never seriously dated and presumably never lived with someone who did) and since she's pretty introverted, it's just a hard idea for her to get used to. We actually had a little roommate date in which we moved all of our bedroom furniture around so that our beds are now on opposite walls since the rooms adjoin so I think that helped her out some, but still not a whole lot. I think it's also a matter of the fact that she was actually the one that introduced us, but I can tell you for a fact that it wasn't in an effort to set us up. She grew up with him as a neighborhood friend and went to high school with me, so when we all ended up at the same college, I met him. I don't think that she's managed to change her mental mindset that we, her two 'separate' friends, are now together. Can you tell I overthink? But I specifically asked if there was anything in particular that was bugging her that would be an easy fix and she said no, so really I think it's mostly in her head.
     
  6. JessLough

    JessLough Love My Mutt

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    I can understand the having friends over issue, but i think asking that you don't have your boyfriend over is kinda Pushing it. Especially if really, she doesn't have to see him and he just uses your space.

    Off topic, but I always thought you were a guy.
     
  7. JessLough

    JessLough Love My Mutt

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    Oh man, I totally understand the awkwardness that is the friend that introduced the boyfriend and you XD. We had a new years party and our mutual friend who introduced us was there, and it was just AWKWARD.

    Although I guess it was more awkward cause we were introduced when he was dating her :p
     
  8. yoko

    yoko New Member

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    I lived with a friend for a while and her BF was over every day and didn't bug me. It just became part of my routine. But for a while friends were coming over every day/every other day and it was just draining. I knew them and they were cool with me it was just having so many people so often in my house that just continually left me feeling drained.

    I was pretty good at locking myself up in my room and ignoring it but a lot of people can't block stuff out even being in another room.

    With your friends coming over so often is there maybe someone else's house you guys could go to? Or alternate so it's not just your house every other day?
     
  9. Greenmagick

    Greenmagick New Member

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    I dont know.....honestly, having a bf spend the night "can" cross the line. Some people are not comfortable with men/boys in the house during down time. I understand you say she doesnt see him, but that may be because she is uncomfortable. And the rent, well, I know of some people who basically had their bf living with them and rent does become an issue. Not saying this is your case, but she may be worried about it.

    I totally understand your side too though. I dont think either one is wrong or right but that you just arent good roomate matches.
     
  10. monkeys23

    monkeys23 New Member

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    I don't see the big deal. She sounds like an ocd reclusive weirdo to me. I don't think I'd want to live with that. And I rarely have people/bf over!
     
  11. yoko

    yoko New Member

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    I don't know I don't think wanting a week without visitors makes you an OCD weirdo.
     
  12. GoingNowhere

    GoingNowhere Active Member

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    haha, no. Like I said, I try to keep any and all personal things offline and I guess it was working! But I just really wanted some input from non-associated people.


    Yep, that's pretty much what has happened. Honestly, it wasn't that there were "people" in the plural over all the time. More that the boyfriend was over pretty much every day, I may have had one other friend over two or three times, and one weekend day I had four people over (studying no less :rolleyes: ) which is what seemed to be the straw that broke the camels back for issue #1. That's why this was never an issue before the boyfriend came into the picture - because I really don't have tons of people over all the time.

    But, yeah, lately we've been spending all weekends at other friend's places. So in that regard, I'm really alright with the every other day scenario. It doesn't interfere with my social schedule much except for with the boyfriend. Despite how it may sound, I'm not an extremely extroverted person... I think I'm just significantly more extroverted than my roommate. It's the overnights that are more frustrating because there's no other place to go.

    In every other respect we're perfect roommates and we're good friends too, which is nice, but it makes it hard to try to balance the issues while making everyone happy and keeping up all of the interpersonal relationships. :(
     
    Last edited: Feb 8, 2012
  13. GoingNowhere

    GoingNowhere Active Member

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    Yep, I totally get that. She hasn't done anything wrong at all. Of course, in my opinion, neither have I. And I think we've handled the situation better than most college students would. There hasn't been a single argument or any passive aggressiveness throughout this whole thing, just some sit-down discussion. I even called up a friend with a similar personality to my roommate to try to hear her take on it, which was helpful. I guess I'm just feeling a bit smothered by the "house rules" so to speak. It's hard.
     
  14. Fran101

    Fran101 Resident fainting goat

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    I had rules that like this.. when I was sharing a room in a dorm! I think, if sharing bedrooms, that kind of policy is fair because ya, it's shared space.. and there is nowhere for you to go when guys are sleeping over

    but I WOULD NEVER deal with this with a apartment-mate and frankly, I don't think you should have to. If she wanted this kind of rule, she should've mentioned it before you moved in.
    and to keep throwing rules like that out.. it's crazy. The only person placing that many house rules should be your parents lol

    Otherwise, unless it is DIRECTLY affecting her. AKA: You are being loud and she can't sleep. Your friends are pestering her. He eats all the food. Sex loud enough to shake the house etc.. then she should suck it up.

    I think it is absolutely ridiculous!!

    I would ask her why and talk to her about it and find out what her problem is. perhaps a solution can be reached if you just find out what her issue about it is.

    but if its just the idea of having people around, even when they aren't loud/in her room/space.. the girl needs help and I would run. fast.
     
  15. Laurelin

    Laurelin I'm All Ears

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    I can kind of see where she's coming from.... I'm not a complete introvert in that I go out at least 3-4 times a week but I dont' much like having people stay in my space. So I can see how it would be frustrating to her to have people over all the time. I find it frustrating at times, especially the brief period when I moved back home with my family. My sisters are 18 and 19 and it seemed like almost every other day they'd have at least 3 up to a dozen loud and obnoxious teenage friends over. I like peace and quiet and it was annoying to have to deal with their friends. Then again their friends were annoying and some were destructive towards our belongings and disrespectful, which was the REAL problem I had with them being around all the time.

    I didn't have too many problems with my room mates and them bringing friends over. I was friends with their friends and the friends we had were good and respectful. I did have some issues with my roomies BF being over all the time mainly because he practically lived with us 5 or 6 days of the week. He'd be over when she wasn't there and it would be awkward because he never talked to us (me and the third roomie). I felt like he should help pay the utilities since he was using the water and such as much as we were. If that issue had been fixed, I wouldn't have had a problem.

    I do agree with Fran though that the rules should have been made
     
  16. joce

    joce Active Member

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    If someone is staying I've more than a couple nights a week then it's like another roommate. I can see why she would be frustrated. Also why I don't do roommates. Occasional friends are ok but if it's every night or every other night it just seems like a lot to me,no? I mean this is both of your homes. Probably should have been addressed before moving in.

    How much longer is the lease?
     
  17. GoingNowhere

    GoingNowhere Active Member

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    Yeah, in an ideal situation it would've been discussed earlier, but it was more than a year ago when we first discussed rooming together and about a year ago that we first signed the contract for this (academic) year (at which point the boyfriend was not yet in the picture). It was just one of those things that wasn't discussed because it wasn't applicable at the time and so neither of us even thought to bring it up.

    The lease is signed for the duration of this year and then the next, so it's something that we have to work through for sure. Honestly, like I mentioned, with regard to our cleanliness, our work ethic, our use of space, our sleep habits (for the most part), rent payments, and other factors that often seem to cause issues between roommates, we match up well. Never before this point had I even briefly thought that I didn't like my living situation. It's just this, but frustrating as it may be, I do know that it's workable. And on a positive note, boyfriend will have his own room in an apartment next year with a flatmate that I'm also friends with (and is much more chill as guys often seem to be!), so this should be a moot point in the near future!

    Actually hearing these differing opinions is making me feel better. As weird as it may sound, it's nice to hear the differing thoughts and opinions. I appreciate that some of you see my side while some of you are helping me to accept the compromise by keeping me from thinking that I got the short end of the stick with regard to our negotiation.
     
  18. RD

    RD Are you dead yet?

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    As a complete introvert I can sort of see where she's coming from, but honestly? If she needs privacy so badly, she might be more comfortable with getting her own, smaller place. Sounds like you guys just don't see eye to eye, and I don't think either one of you is especially in the wrong.

    It might be awkward with him sleeping over because she's known him for a long time, I dunno. Maybe you guys could work something out, or you could stay at his place sometimes instead of him coming over to yours all the time?
     
  19. Dizzy

    Dizzy Sit! Good dog.

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    I know that in my previous house I hated my housemates boyfriend there all the time.

    I liked him, but I constantly felt like a 3rd wheel. I didn't want to sit in a small space with them 2 and me. I didn't sign up for that when I moved in.

    I imagine they'd also say I never saw him, because I too hid myself away. And I am not introverted and have a boyfriend!! It's actually no fun hiding in your room to avoid a situation you can't be bothered with.

    On the flip side I couldn't give a flying fig if my new housemates boyfriend comes over, but that is possibly because we have a lot more in common and they don't make me feel like a 3rd wheel. And I was involved in them getting together lol.

    Maybe you 2 don't fit as roomies.
     

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