Child Discipline....
- Thread starter moxiegrl
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hmm. my mother hit me ( i don't like the word spank) i don't see a problem with it at all really. i nevr got hit across the face or actually hurt. she hits my arms prety hard sometimes when we're in a full on argument but thats it. i think it was all good. i don't hate her for it or anything. its just what i thought you did. and i still dont see a problem with it.
Uhhhh...no not quite.
Dogs understand language perfectly fine. They correlate 'food' with, well, food. They correlate 'bad' with 'dont do that'. They correlate 'come' with 'come'.
How is that different from telling a child to come? Or telling a child that something is wrong?
And children aren't born with morals or values either. That's instilled into them.
There's no morality gene.
The basis of all interaction is Stimuli leading to result. Cause, effect.
'If I do this, bad things happen' or 'If I do that, I get a reward'.
No, I'm quite sure dogs understand perfectly fine. And yes, they do have a moral sense because my dog will still try to sneak things off the counter when I'm not looking. That's a conscious choice, not "Ahh, I'll be attacked!"
Dogs understand language perfectly fine. They correlate 'food' with, well, food. They correlate 'bad' with 'dont do that'. They correlate 'come' with 'come'.
How is that different from telling a child to come? Or telling a child that something is wrong?
And children aren't born with morals or values either. That's instilled into them.
There's no morality gene.
The basis of all interaction is Stimuli leading to result. Cause, effect.
'If I do this, bad things happen' or 'If I do that, I get a reward'.
No, I'm quite sure dogs understand perfectly fine. And yes, they do have a moral sense because my dog will still try to sneak things off the counter when I'm not looking. That's a conscious choice, not "Ahh, I'll be attacked!"
A
I have a little system that I have tried out with my boys... it may work out with you as well.
For instance, say Johnny hits Matt.
Since he is young, when he usually hits for no apperent reason, it is for attention from me, so instead of saying "Johnathon NO!", I go to Matt, asking him if he is ok and giving my attention to him. Ignoring the behavior from the rambuctious 3 year old is my first step. If he went and did the same 5 minutes later, I would put him in time out. Then it would go to popping him on the butt/hand.
Another senario...
Matthew does something wrong at school.
First step, I talk to him about it and tell him what the consequences are for doing what he did. If it happens again, he starts getting things taken, one by one. Usually TV goes first, since that is his most prized possession. If he continues the unwanted behavior, he will get grounded. We do not usually spank for these small incidents. He is older and he has had numberous times before to change. If he does well the next day after the incident, he gets rewarded. This tells him what behavior we want out of him and what behavior we would like to see more.
You understand what I am saying here? When it involves hitting/hurting one another, we usually do the three strike thing, we also punish for those smaller incidents,just not as severly. When they do well they get rewards.
For instance, say Johnny hits Matt.
Since he is young, when he usually hits for no apperent reason, it is for attention from me, so instead of saying "Johnathon NO!", I go to Matt, asking him if he is ok and giving my attention to him. Ignoring the behavior from the rambuctious 3 year old is my first step. If he went and did the same 5 minutes later, I would put him in time out. Then it would go to popping him on the butt/hand.
Another senario...
Matthew does something wrong at school.
First step, I talk to him about it and tell him what the consequences are for doing what he did. If it happens again, he starts getting things taken, one by one. Usually TV goes first, since that is his most prized possession. If he continues the unwanted behavior, he will get grounded. We do not usually spank for these small incidents. He is older and he has had numberous times before to change. If he does well the next day after the incident, he gets rewarded. This tells him what behavior we want out of him and what behavior we would like to see more.
You understand what I am saying here? When it involves hitting/hurting one another, we usually do the three strike thing, we also punish for those smaller incidents,just not as severly. When they do well they get rewards.
Angel (laura) good point. No one that I have seen has talked about rewards!!!
I know this is about punishment but here I go!
Its important to balance positive re-inforcement and punishments.
Trying to catch your child doing something right is often a hard job. Especially if you have more than 2 children
Random acts of kindness is necessary. Making sure each child is treated as a individual cause they all are individuals with individual needs.
I have 2 children who love recieving gifts. I have 4 children who would rather spend time with me one on one. I have one child who loves encouraging words.
Getting to know...I mean really know each child is key to a good relationship.
I know I havent been spending enough time with my kids on a individual basis. I am going to be working on that. I am also working on not yelling. I am a habitual yeller. I dont get loud persay but I do get growly(deeper voice than my normal). Its a bad habit which I know needs to change.
Also we need to determine the difference between normal child behavior and direct disobediance. Child like behavior doesnt need as harsh of punishments as direct disobediance.
I could go on and on and on.
IT all comes down to relationship with your child/children. A good relationship will go a long way!
I know this is about punishment but here I go!
Its important to balance positive re-inforcement and punishments.
Trying to catch your child doing something right is often a hard job. Especially if you have more than 2 children
Random acts of kindness is necessary. Making sure each child is treated as a individual cause they all are individuals with individual needs.
I have 2 children who love recieving gifts. I have 4 children who would rather spend time with me one on one. I have one child who loves encouraging words.
Getting to know...I mean really know each child is key to a good relationship.
I know I havent been spending enough time with my kids on a individual basis. I am going to be working on that. I am also working on not yelling. I am a habitual yeller. I dont get loud persay but I do get growly(deeper voice than my normal). Its a bad habit which I know needs to change.
Also we need to determine the difference between normal child behavior and direct disobediance. Child like behavior doesnt need as harsh of punishments as direct disobediance.
I could go on and on and on.
IT all comes down to relationship with your child/children. A good relationship will go a long way!
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I'm not totally sure on what I would do, but I think I know what I would want to do.
I don't see anything wrong with a light slap on the hand in certain situations, but I particulary would rather talk to my kid, tell him why what he did was wrong (when he was old enough), and showing him an alternative. "Spanking" I think is used way too commonly just for the parents to release their frustrations. Though I don't necesarily think spanking is horrible or "abusive" in most cases, I do think people often hit too hard just out of frustration/anger (one reason I don't beleive I want children or would do good with them).
Reward when the child does something right should be very big in the house! What I mean is if they do something you want them to do they should be rewarded and you should make it clear how pleased you are with them. Also communication should always be open! Your child shouldn't fear talking to you (though teen years can be like that no matter what lol) and you should be able to listen without automattically assuming you (the parent) is right and not even listen to your child's feelings.
That said, no I don't have any children so I can't say from experience raising them full time so my opinion might not be very valid and I don't want children for I don't think I would be a good parent. So yeah
I don't see anything wrong with a light slap on the hand in certain situations, but I particulary would rather talk to my kid, tell him why what he did was wrong (when he was old enough), and showing him an alternative. "Spanking" I think is used way too commonly just for the parents to release their frustrations. Though I don't necesarily think spanking is horrible or "abusive" in most cases, I do think people often hit too hard just out of frustration/anger (one reason I don't beleive I want children or would do good with them).
Reward when the child does something right should be very big in the house! What I mean is if they do something you want them to do they should be rewarded and you should make it clear how pleased you are with them. Also communication should always be open! Your child shouldn't fear talking to you (though teen years can be like that no matter what lol) and you should be able to listen without automattically assuming you (the parent) is right and not even listen to your child's feelings.
That said, no I don't have any children so I can't say from experience raising them full time so my opinion might not be very valid and I don't want children for I don't think I would be a good parent. So yeah
For punishment for Emily we will first say no and if she does not listen to that we will set her in the chair and have it face the corner. I will say "you can get off the chair if you stop (whatever she is doing bad)" if she sits in the chair and then gets out and continues she will get removed from the situation (has to go sit on her bed). Mark will tap her butt every so often if she is doing something really bad but I have yet to spank her because I think that just giving her the time out is good enough and she usually will think twice before doing whatever she was doing wrong agian. Although she is two so she does something bad about once an hour.
I only spanked with serious offenses and not that often at all. I never spanked the kids with a belt...I just personally don't believe in that. I tried to use other methods...like time out...taking privilidges away....but...when all else failed they did get a swats on the behind. I stopped that when they were older to.
My sister uses the naughty corner with her 3 year old son. He transgresses, has a tantrum etc, he gets sent to the naughty corner and stays there until her is calm enough to be spoken to.
The only thing is that now Cassi, the dog, spends a subsantial amount of time being shoved into the naughty corner, bless her cotton socks she puts up with it!
The only thing is that now Cassi, the dog, spends a subsantial amount of time being shoved into the naughty corner, bless her cotton socks she puts up with it!
The corrections you use have to fit the child as well as the circumstance. My mother was an enthusiastic spanker where I was concerned, mainly taking her frustrations and anger out on me. She never quite got her mind wrapped around the fact that I didn't care if it hurt. That was just temporary, and besides, it eventually allowed me feel vastly superior to her as I learned quickly not to give in to my anger as she would only use it against me if I let her know.
She'd have gotten a lot farther with me by being rational. I would have had a great deal more respect for my father if he hadn't given me beltings to mollify my mother. They both lost a great deal through violence. I love them both; I pity my mother and pray she never looks back and realizes some of the things she has done or what the cost was. I have learned to have a great deal of sympathy for my father and respect for him despite the compromises he's made out of love for my mother.
Most children are rational - you do have to think about what is logical to a child though! Their minds work a little differently. I think it helps, too, if you make it clear that some things are privileges and have to be earned - like trust, and other things are "gifts" that you can choose to reward them with or just bestow on them because you love them and enjoy making them happy.
She'd have gotten a lot farther with me by being rational. I would have had a great deal more respect for my father if he hadn't given me beltings to mollify my mother. They both lost a great deal through violence. I love them both; I pity my mother and pray she never looks back and realizes some of the things she has done or what the cost was. I have learned to have a great deal of sympathy for my father and respect for him despite the compromises he's made out of love for my mother.
Most children are rational - you do have to think about what is logical to a child though! Their minds work a little differently. I think it helps, too, if you make it clear that some things are privileges and have to be earned - like trust, and other things are "gifts" that you can choose to reward them with or just bestow on them because you love them and enjoy making them happy.
I got a mixture of time-outs and spanking. Admittedly, spankings were much more effective with me. I loved to daydream so sitting in one place for a few minutes didn't bother me a bit.
My sister, on the other hand, just got time-outs. She was the master of the "give mommy and daddy the sad eyes and bawl like crazy" technique, so she never really got spanked much.
My sister, on the other hand, just got time-outs. She was the master of the "give mommy and daddy the sad eyes and bawl like crazy" technique, so she never really got spanked much.
When I was younger I was given spankings and being grounded...
and grounding worked alot better for me :lol-sign:
Admittedly, there were a few times that I asked my parents if they gave me a spanking could I be off of groundation...
So spanking did nothing for me half the time I would daydream about something else...
and grounding worked alot better for me :lol-sign:
Admittedly, there were a few times that I asked my parents if they gave me a spanking could I be off of groundation...
So spanking did nothing for me half the time I would daydream about something else...
So you had one of THOSE sisters too? Mine was also equally adept at lying her way out of things when the crocodile tears didn't work.
Mine was also equally adept at lying her way out of things when the crocodile tears didn't work.
I was one of those sensitive kids that got 5 minutes in the corner and felt that I was the worst kid in the world. I only got spanked on very rare occasions when my mom was really frustrated. I am particularly easy to guilt-trip and my mom still uses that to this day. I live in dread of the phrase "Hey, can you do me a favor....?" I protest for five minutes and then my mother lays on the guilt and I do it anyway. I was their easiest kid! I got staight A's and hardly ever got in trouble. I took care of my school work on my own and I even make my own meals. Why I should feel guilty, I have no idea. I really hate her for that sometimes. Guilt is definitely not a good parenting tool.