Men & women, can they ever be only friends? Your thoughts

Dogdragoness · Oct 31, 2012

I think I have been blind ... I have said my SO doesn't mind opposite sex friends but sometimes he "jokingly" says when he goes to the races that he is "watching every move I make" & whatever, then he will say that he is "only joking" & he doesn't care who I talk to ... Sometimes I can't figure him out ...

I don't know if he is being manipulative in purpose or not.

Renee750il · Oct 31, 2012

Dogdragoness said:

There is no such thing as "accidental manipulation."

So many things you've told us have seemed like blazing red flags. Go back and re-read your posts and ask yourself, "if my friend were telling me these things, what would I think she should do?"

From the other side of the equation, I've often been The Opposite Sex Friend and when that's been the case I've always made it a point to be a friend to both parties, and I've been very careful to not put anyone in a situation that could be gossiped about or misconstrued, and I've still taken a shitton of grief and accusations and backstabbing, some of it "traditional" and then some of it because the guy's been using me to make his partner jealous.

That ends the friendship in a hurry -- it's proved it never was a friendship.

And then there are the times when I've been in a relationship and my *friends* were dropping by my house when I was at work *amusing* my SO.

Basically being a loner has its percs!

Barbara! · Oct 31, 2012

Oh wow this thread blew up. Lol.

sparks19 · Oct 31, 2012

Fran101 said:

I don't know why but I think me describing my relationship with my boyfriend/best friend was seen as ridiculing or something so let me try to clarify lol

For those that feel they share the kind of best friend/romantic relationship with only one person and are fine with it then ..umm..congrats? Lol I'm not sure why my personal relationship with a friend and partner was seen as some kind of challenge. lol I don't think anyone that doesn't have the same dynamic as me is missing out or anything, I was just trying to answer the question.

Me having tyler doesn't mean I love Tristan less and both your best friend and romantic partner being the same person doesn't mean you love that person more. That's the beauty of it! The human heart is an ever expanding magical thing!

..didn't even notice both their names start with T until right now lol

When I said "You don't HAVE to make one person your whole world" I mean, HAVE.. not you SHOULD NOT.
If both parties are ok with a more intimate and private life with just eachother, then heck, go ahead, what ever works.
I meant in cases of spouses trying to force that kind of thing and isolate their partners, THAT I don't think is fair or healthy.

I have friends who are a huge part of my life. Girls and boys both.. I can't imagine being without them and have always been that way.
You know the phrase it takes a village to raise a child? I am LIVING PROOF. lol Which I think kind of takes a part in why I feel my more intimate "family/friend" circle is so large and why I like it that way.
but I know it's not for everyone and I don't think that's wrong at all!

If you don't want relationships with the opposite sex, then whatever lol different strokes different folks.
what I was concerned about were situations where spouses are forbidden from being alone with members of the opposite sex.. more of a control thing than a "I just don't see the need" thing.

I don't think anyone who would rather not have friends of the opposite sex are missing out or abused or jealous by nature anymore

ok... I meant to just quote te first part but deleting on my phone is a pain and I am impatient lol so forgive the hack job I did on your post lol

It wasn't your post that I felt was ridiculing at all

yoko · Oct 31, 2012

Dogdragoness said:

I haven't read a ton on your situation but the few threads I have read through completion are kid of scary.

sparks19 said:

I use to have nice fun time to hang out on chaz on my phone but it's call after call all day. These people are insane I feel like a therapist a lot of time -.-

Dogdragoness · Nov 1, 2012

Scary how so? Most of the time he is a loving, caring companion it's just when he gets "uppity" that things get rocky ... He says its me when he gets mad but I don't think it is, I mean I the the best I can but I'm not perfect

some times I don't know what he wants form me

.

He always told me when we lived together that he "always had to tell me to right up the house" & when we first got together he always used to rant at how I was a terrible cook ... Which I was but I was up front about that. Sometimes I have a feeling he's trying to make me I to someone instead of loving me for who I am ... I don know maybe not.

crazedACD · Nov 1, 2012

Dogdragoness said:

This isn't the 50's, but it sounds like he wants a housewife that will do what he says.

I haven't read too much but I don't like this guy very much. To put it bluntly it sounds like you are making excuses for him, and trying to justify staying with him when in your heart you seem like you really don't want to.

It's OK to break up with someone, and it's OK to be single! Make sure you are really in love with him, and not just in love with the idea of being in a long term relationship. You deserve more than to be treated like crap. What if it's like this for the rest of your life? How will you feel after 25 years of this?

People are who they are at the core and they very rarely change.

Dogdragoness · Nov 1, 2012

I just don't want to hurt anyone

I do love him & I do try hard for him to make him happy & make him feel loved & appreciated, why every time I think of breaking up thee is this part of me that feels like a terrible person for doing it?

Romy · Nov 1, 2012

Dogdragoness said:

Staying with someone because you're afraid they'll feel hurt if you leave isn't doing anyone any favors. It's not worth sacrificing your emotional health to pander to his. It really isn't. You deserve someone who cherishes you, not just cherishes you when they think you earned it. Trying to help him by accommodating his bad behavior isn't helping him either.

Of course he's going to be upset if you break up with him. And you're going to be upset too, that's very normal. But then you will also have the opportunity to take care of yourself. You deserve it. And if you want to have a partner some day, you can meet someone who will cherish you and won't belittle or blame you when they aren't satisfied with what you have to offer. And he'll either find someone else he can get away with treating badly, or he'll actually look at the way his choices led to the relationship ending and choose to be different.

Abusers typically don't come home and beat/swear at their SO's daily. Abuse goes in cycles. It escalates, climaxes, and then dies down and they go through honeymoon period of acting sorry and "courting" the victim, sometimes with gifts, sometimes with just really good treatment, before it starting all over again. The difference between a healthy relationship with a healthy person, and an abuser, is a healthy person won't abuse you. There is no cycle. And if they do or say something hurtful, and you tell them it hurts you, they don't do it again and again and again.

And often, as an abusive relationship progresses, the abuse escalates every time it goes through a cycle.

Dogdragoness · Nov 1, 2012

I would ask what should I do but I think I'm gonna get a bunch of "it's up to you" responses lol.

Some times he treats me like a take him for granted, I don't feel like I do. I spend three-four days out of the week with him, bring him food, etc

Dizzy · Nov 1, 2012

I don't really understand why anyone cares what anyone else does in their relationship as long as you're happy in your own.

If you're 100% happy then who gives a toss.

ETA - if someone is clearly unhappy or majorly compromising then that's different, but its gonna be different for everyone.

sparks19 · Nov 1, 2012

Dogdragoness said:

well it is really up to you but I do want to say that this sounds exactly like the stuff I dealt with with my ex.

Everytime he would have a bad day or treat me like garbage he would make me feel like it was MY fault. Like it was my duty to make him happy and I was always failing at being able to make his happiness for him.

My ex lived with me. He didn't have a job... EVER. I worked full time and when I would come home he would guilt me into going to the store for him to get him cigarrettes even though I worked on my feet all day long and he did nothing but sit at home and play video games.

he would go into my purse and take the only cash I had and sometimes would take my debit card so I was left with nothing and he wouldn't tell me, he would just leave me to find out after I was done work and had no money to get home. what a lovely surprise.

Then there would be times where he seemed so sweet. he would serenade me and buy me a gift (with my money LOL) and take me out on a date night (with my money again) and it seemed like it wasn't really so bad. but it was short lived.

the next day he would be back to blaming me for not doing enough for our relationship. He would wake me in the middle of the night just to fight with me knowing I had to be at work at 6 am. if I wanted to go to bed early he would sulk and pout and guilt me into staying up and if I fell asleep on the couch he would complain about how lazy I was

He would convince me that I had it really good with him because no one else would put up with my laziness and my inept-ness (is that a word lol) and I felt like I just wasn't good enough no matter how hard I tried.

So this all sounds really familiar to me. YOU cannot solely make anyone else happy. He has to be happy on his own and then you can be happy TOGETHER but you can't be held responsible for his happiness.

You wonder what you have to do to be good enough... you'll never know because there isn't enough you can do to be good enough. you could bend over backwards, grow an extra set of arms and be super lover, super cleaner, super cook, super everything ... but it will never be good enough for him

skittledoo · Nov 1, 2012

I feel like whether or not hanging out with the opposite sex is fine when you are in a relationship really depends on the relationship and the people in it and what they feel comfortable with. Every relationship is going to be different.

I will be straight up honest and say that I can be a little jealous. In one of my past relationships, the guy was friends with a lot of girls from his work and ended up sleeping with one. In another relationship, the guy was friends with one of my girl friends and ended up writing her a letter expressing how much he liked her and she showed it to me. Having stuff like that happen relationship after relationship it's hard not to be a tiny bit uneasy if my spouse decides to hang out with someone of the opposite sex when I'm not around.

That said, I don't know if Josh and I have seriously ever talked about it, but we don't really hang out with people of the opposite sex alone on our own choosing. I have quite a few male coworkers that I have to work alone with at times and I do consider them friends and ONLY friends, but outside of work I just don't choose to hang out with them unless Josh is there. The exception being if a group of co-ed coworkers wanted to go out to a movie or dinner I would go even if Josh wasn't going to be there.

Josh doesn't really have many female friends and only has a couple male friends. I don't think I can remember a time in our relationship where he has gone out somewhere with a girl without me around. He just doesn't seem to care enough to do so.

One of my best friends is a guy and I've honestly drifted away from him quite a bit since I've been married, mainly because that male friend and I do have some history and there's always been attraction between the two of us. I just wouldn't want to open the door for there to be any suspicion whatsoever. The only time in mine and Josh's relationship that I hung out with my male best friend alone was when I went to lunch with him to tell him that Josh and I were going to get married. I really felt like he needed to hear that from me alone though.

crazedACD · Nov 1, 2012

I'll tell you in the unhealthy relationships I've had, I've felt the worst about leaving them and still felt drawn to go back. Like one after I broke up threatened to call animal control and make complaints unless I got back with him..and I did get back with him? Wth? They also made me feel the worst and said things like 'I want to kill myself now', 'I've been drinking for two days, please don't leave me', yelled at me. The better relationships that ended because of various reasons, the guys RESPECTED me enough to say Well this really sucks, I'll really miss you, but if that's what you want. You know?

Renee750il · Nov 1, 2012

sparks19 said:

well it is really up to you but I do want to say that this sounds exactly like the stuff I dealt with with my ex.

Everytime he would have a bad day or treat me like garbage he would make me feel like it was MY fault. Like it was my duty to make him happy and I was always failing at being able to make his happiness for him.

My ex lived with me. He didn't have a job... EVER. I worked full time and when I would come home he would guilt me into going to the store for him to get him cigarrettes even though I worked on my feet all day long and he did nothing but sit at home and play video games.

he would go into my purse and take the only cash I had and sometimes would take my debit card so I was left with nothing and he wouldn't tell me, he would just leave me to find out after I was done work and had no money to get home. what a lovely surprise.

Then there would be times where he seemed so sweet. he would serenade me and buy me a gift (with my money LOL) and take me out on a date night (with my money again) and it seemed like it wasn't really so bad. but it was short lived.

the next day he would be back to blaming me for not doing enough for our relationship. He would wake me in the middle of the night just to fight with me knowing I had to be at work at 6 am. if I wanted to go to bed early he would sulk and pout and guilt me into staying up and if I fell asleep on the couch he would complain about how lazy I was

He would convince me that I had it really good with him because no one else would put up with my laziness and my inept-ness (is that a word lol) and I felt like I just wasn't good enough no matter how hard I tried.

So this all sounds really familiar to me. YOU cannot solely make anyone else happy. He has to be happy on his own and then you can be happy TOGETHER but you can't be held responsible for his happiness.

You wonder what you have to do to be good enough... you'll never know because there isn't enough you can do to be good enough. you could bend over backwards, grow an extra set of arms and be super lover, super cleaner, super cook, super everything ... but it will never be good enough for him

I think we've lived with the same jackass, lol.

Dogdragoness · Nov 1, 2012

The thing is he has a job, he's the one who "works his ass off" & never hesitates during an argument to remind me of. Like he's implying that I'm lazy but when I ask him of that's what he's calling me he skirts around it. I know everyone argues but no matter how that start the arguments are always my fault, one way or another ... Like when I went to get food for him & they got the order wrong & (he was having a bad day) he blamed me for it

yoko · Nov 1, 2012

Dogdragoness said:

It's scary because from what I have read you already have the issue of thinking it IS your fault. If you go back and read some of your threads on it there are things that shouldn't be done that you have made excuses for.

Yes couples argue but when it gets down to where its neither persons fault and one of the people still insists in blaming someone it's an issue to me.

And the reason people will say it is your choice is we could point out all the red flags and issues but in the end it's up to you to do what you think needs to be done.

darkchild16 · Nov 1, 2012

sparks19 said:

Jeremy is very naive as well. Hes like she doesnt want anything we are just friends then Im like why does she/he (there is a male that acts like this with him but its his boss and its a LONG story) try to monopolize the LITTLE free time you have to be with your family. His response was we are friends they just want to talk. Then Savannah ended up in the hospital and neither of them asked him how she was or anything and that got the point across to him.

Renee750il · Nov 1, 2012

Dogdragoness said:

Hon, some of us have been through the exact same thing. We could probably tell you what he's going to say in which situation and how he's going to turn it around so it's your fault and how you're going to respond.

But it's one of those things that, until the person who is the target is ready to see it, stop rationalizing and making excuses for the other person's behaviors and do whatever is needed to save themselves, it's going to continue . . . to whatever conclusion.

Dogdragoness · Nov 1, 2012

I just wonder what conclusion it its going to be? Like I said he's never touched me or had the inkling to.

I post about these things because I like & trust the ppl on here & value what they think.

Men & women, can they ever be only friends? Your thoughts

Happy Halloween!!

Felurian

New Member

I'd rather be at Disney

New Member

Happy Halloween!!

Active Member

Happy Halloween!!

Taxiderpy

Happy Halloween!!

Sit! Good dog.

I'd rather be at Disney

Crazy naked dog lady

Active Member

Felurian

Happy Halloween!!

New Member

We are Home.

Felurian

Happy Halloween!!