Men & women, can they ever be only friends? Your thoughts

[sparks19]

I just wonder what conclusion it its going to be? Like I said he's never touched me or had the inkling to.

I post about these things because I like & trust the ppl on here & value what they think.

The conclusion is whatever your choice will be.

My ex never touched me either. that would have made the abuse much too obvious to me and to everyone around us. With him he was sly, manipulative and the emotional damage was much worse.

Everyone could see what he was like but I didn't believe them and didn't listen to anything anyone else had to say about it and that's pretty normal in a situation like that.

 

[Fran101]

and this is where male/female friendships go wrong :rofl1:

I got a phone call from Tyler today

"I need you to come over and see something"
"What is it?"
"I need manscaping advice"
"I am not coming over to look at your penis!"
"I need a female perspective! Don't be selfish! I help you pick out lingerie!"
"That's not the same thing!"
"Get over here woman or I'm coming over and using your razor to do it!"
:rofl1::rofl1:

we decided to go with neatly shaven.

If anyone needed any proof that there was ZERO sexual desire between us it would be me giving my opinion on his penis in it's various manscaping looks lol

 

[Dogdragoness]

I now that this isnt the right time to be evaluating my feelings (it being that time of the month & all :/) but i feel like i do "my part" in the relationship short of living with him, when i was working full time 7 days a week, i still managed to cook, keep a respectable house, wash clothes (at the laundrymat mind you) every week.

I'm not looking for sympathy or trying to make him look like the "bad guy" but I'm just saying that it pisses me off when he gets into those funks where he says that I'm not doing my share or whatever, he says that more now that i only work 2 days a week.

just now i talked to him & I'm going early to help him (he has 7 horses just him) which i dont mind doing but he always tells me to go to bed early but its not that easy since i am ADHD with insomia & its just not that easy to "just go to bed" i have been going to bed at 12 am every day which is about the time i get off work, he didnt understand why i did that saying "you only work 2 days a week you dont need to do that." what he doesnt get is my body has gotten into the ROUTINE of doing that :/.

oh well, i didnt bother to argue, he also hates that Im not a morning person, which im not no matter what time i go to bed, i could go to bed right noe (8pm) & still be grumpy in the morning :/

 

[Linds]

and this is where male/female friendships go wrong :rofl1:

I got a phone call from Tyler today

"I need you to come over and see something"
"What is it?"
"I need manscaping advice"
"I am not coming over to look at your penis!"
"I need a female perspective! Don't be selfish! I help you pick out lingerie!"
"That's not the same thing!"
"Get over here woman or I'm coming over and using your razor to do it!"
:rofl1::rofl1:

we decided to go with neatly shaven.

If anyone needed any proof that there was ZERO sexual desire between us it would be me giving my opinion on his penis in it's various manscaping looks lol

This made me laugh so hard. Thank you for that.

 

[Dogdragoness]

Hahaha!!! That made me laugh so hard !!!

 

[xpaeanx]

*did not read the entire thread*

I think it depends on the maturity level of the people involved.

 

[Dogdragoness]

*did not read the entire thread*

I think it depends on the maturity level of the people involved.

Agreed. Tho I don't tend to associate with immature (the bad kind of immature... You know the kind I mean)

 

[Romy]

I now that this isnt the right time to be evaluating my feelings (it being that time of the month & all :/) but i feel like i do "my part" in the relationship short of living with him, when i was working full time 7 days a week, i still managed to cook, keep a respectable house, wash clothes (at the laundrymat mind you) every week.

I'm not looking for sympathy or trying to make him look like the "bad guy" but I'm just saying that it pisses me off when he gets into those funks where he says that I'm not doing my share or whatever, he says that more now that i only work 2 days a week.

just now i talked to him & I'm going early to help him (he has 7 horses just him) which i dont mind doing but he always tells me to go to bed early but its not that easy since i am ADHD with insomia & its just not that easy to "just go to bed" i have been going to bed at 12 am every day which is about the time i get off work, he didnt understand why i did that saying "you only work 2 days a week you dont need to do that." what he doesnt get is my body has gotten into the ROUTINE of doing that :/.

oh well, i didnt bother to argue, he also hates that Im not a morning person, which im not no matter what time i go to bed, i could go to bed right noe (8pm) & still be grumpy in the morning :/

Your feelings are valid any time of the month. ((hugs))

 

[Renee750il]

I just wonder what conclusion it its going to be? Like I said he's never touched me or had the inkling to.

I post about these things because I like & trust the ppl on here & value what they think.

It took Roger several years and liquor to get up enough nerve to deck me, and oddly, that's what set me free. It made me look back at all the things he'd been doing and saying and the manipulations and realize they were all worse than being sucker punched. He'd been doing all the things you describe.

It also stripped away any vestiges of respect for him I'd been trying to keep together -- and I can't love someone I don't respect.

It also let me realize that Charley was trying to pull the same **** and emotionally detach from him even before I was able to get my dog (Kharma) out so that I could leave. Honestly, Charley had fewer boundaries than Roger, and a bigger ego and I think the only things that kept him from physical abuse were the fact that he needed me to take care of his mother and then to keep from losing his farm and business and the fact that he really was afraid Kharma, Shiva and Bimmer would turn on him if he hurt me.

Of course, both of them swore 1000X over they would never hit a woman, and most people who knew them would have believed they wouldn't have either.

But that's just my experience.

 

[yoko]

It took Roger several years and liquor to get up enough nerve to deck me, and oddly, that's what set me free. It made me look back at all the things he'd been doing and saying and the manipulations and realize they were all worse than being sucker punched. He'd been doing all the things you describe.

It also stripped away any vestiges of respect for him I'd been trying to keep together -- and I can't love someone I don't respect.

It also let me realize that Charley was trying to pull the same **** and emotionally detach from him even before I was able to get my dog (Kharma) out so that I could leave. Honestly, Charley had fewer boundaries than Roger, and a bigger ego and I think the only things that kept him from physical abuse were the fact that he needed me to take care of his mother and then to keep from losing his farm and business and the fact that he really was afraid Kharma, Shiva and Bimmer would turn on him if he hurt me.

Of course, both of them swore 1000X over they would never hit a woman, and most people who knew them would have believed they wouldn't have either.

But that's just my experience.

I think a lot of the time they don't hit because I think once a punch or slap has been done it is a big realization to their gf/bf that they are abusive. If there isntanything physical it's a lot easier to push off as a personality thing. They aren't controlling or angry they are just having a bad day thing

But once they physically lash out its hard to ignore what they are.

My boyfriend hit me once during the last argument we had and I decked him back I kicked his legs out from under him and literally drug him from my house and threw his phone at him and told him to get list because I was calling the cops.

Once he hit me that one time I was done defending him to other people and especially myself.

 

[BigDogBuford]

It took Roger several years and liquor to get up enough nerve to deck me, and oddly, that's what set me free. It made me look back at all the things he'd been doing and saying and the manipulations and realize they were all worse than being sucker punched. He'd been doing all the things you describe.

This. The turning point for me was the rabid ex grabbing me by my pony tail and hocking a giant loogie right onto my face. WTF had I been thinking? I freaking pulled the car over right then and there (yes he did this whilst we were driving) and kicked his no good ass out onto the side of the freeway in 110 degree weather and never looked back. Of course there were signs that I'd ignored and/or excused but ultimately it comes down to putting up or shutting up. I will NEVER allow anyone to treat me like that again.

 

[Renee750il]

I've noted to myself -- and even said it to Roger and Charley both -- that I've managed to let men into my life who treated me just like my mother always has. :doh:

It can take awhile to realize it's not "normal," and definitely not deserved or acceptable.

 

[Barbara!]

I've noted to myself -- and even said it to Roger and Charley both -- that I've managed to let men into my life who treated me just like my mother always has. :doh:

It can take awhile to realize it's not "normal," and definitely not deserved or acceptable.

Yikes this is so true and such a hard habit to break.

 

[Bunny82]

I just wonder what conclusion it its going to be? Like I said he's never touched me or had the inkling to.

I post about these things because I like & trust the ppl on here & value what they think.

I dont really post here often so what I have to say may not matter much since you dont know me but I didnt want to just not say anything and ignore this.

When i met my husband I never thought he would touch me. I never thougt he would hurt me. The life i imagined and the one i live is very different.

It started with a lot of blame shifting and telling me how my thoughts were wrong. All "for my own good".

When he got bored with yelling he started putting his hands on me.

One of my friends asked me if he hit me a few years back.

My response? Not hard.

I was so twisted that I did not realize that whether it was hard or not hitting was not okay.

Sometimes the hitting comes on more rapidly but the abuse always seems to begin with setting the seeds of manipulation and control of how the person is allowed to think and feel.

If you are wondering about what the conclusion will be my red flags go up instantly and all I can say is I hope you trust your intuition. If you have even the slightest thought that what he is doing is not right....if you think you are being abused (oh and emotional abuse hurts a lot worse and is much harder to heal) if you think he may hurt you intentionally in any way then get it now. Like i said you dont know me so what I have to say may not count for much but please believe me when I say the longer you stay in the harder it is to leave.

Im sending good thoughts your way.

*retreating back to lurkdom mode*

 

[Romy]

I think a lot of the time they don't hit because I think once a punch or slap has been done it is a big realization to their gf/bf that they are abusive. If there isntanything physical it's a lot easier to push off as a personality thing. They aren't controlling or angry they are just having a bad day thing

One thing I learned is that there is a strong correlation between the level of intimacy in a relationship and the abusiveness of the abuser. That's why abuse usually gets worse as time passes. Abusers tend to be insecure in some ways (hence all the distrust and need to control) and the longer they're with a partner, the more "dirt" a partner has on them so they'll go to more extreme measures to maintain control. That's why leaving one is so dangerous.

I'll come right out and say it finally, as I don't have any more reason to be quiet about it. Robert is an abuser. I'm in the process of getting a divorce and have a domestic violence protection order against him protecting me and the kids because of the emotional and physical abuse he perpetrated against us and his unwillingness to get help or even admit that what he did was wrong, even though he admits to doing it. He threatened to kill the dogs if I didn't get rid of them (which he admitted to in an e-mail and in front of a judge) and when I stood up to him and said no, he tackled me to the floor in front of the kids and pinned me there while I screamed at him to get off and tried to fight him off until I finally lost consciousness. He admitted to doing that as well, to multiple people.

The scary thing is in court he defended his actions to the judge, saying I deserved it and made up some lame excuses why. This, the same guy that claimed he was horrified by guys that abused women.

I got a huge handprint shaped bruise on my leg from when he assaulted me. I showed it to him over skype to show him what he'd done, trying to convince him to get help. He flipped out on me, and started screaming at me about how he would never ever ever hurt me and why was I lying to him about that. But I didn't lie. The bruise is his hand print.

They don't think it's the same when they do it. They don't think the rules apply to them. He actually argued with the judge about it until she finally told him to shut up. She wasn't very happy with him.

 

[yoko]

One thing I learned is that there is a strong correlation between the level of intimacy in a relationship and the abusiveness of the abuser. That's why abuse usually gets worse as time passes. Abusers tend to be insecure in some ways (hence all the distrust and need to control) and the longer they're with a partner, the more "dirt" a partner has on them so they'll go to more extreme measures to maintain control. That's why leaving one is so dangerous.

I'll come right out and say it finally, as I don't have any more reason to be quiet about it. Robert is an abuser. I'm in the process of getting a divorce and have a domestic violence protection order against him protecting me and the kids because of the emotional and physical abuse he perpetrated against us and his unwillingness to get help or even admit that what he did was wrong, even though he admits to doing it. He threatened to kill the dogs if I didn't get rid of them (which he admitted to in an e-mail and in front of a judge) and when I stood up to him and said no, he tackled me to the floor in front of the kids and pinned me there while I screamed at him to get off and tried to fight him off until I finally lost consciousness. He admitted to doing that as well, to multiple people.

The scary thing is in court he defended his actions to the judge, saying I deserved it and made up some lame excuses why. This, the same guy that claimed he was horrified by guys that abused women.

I got a huge handprint shaped bruise on my leg from when he assaulted me. I showed it to him over skype to show him what he'd done, trying to convince him to get help. He flipped out on me, and started screaming at me about how he would never ever ever hurt me and why was I lying to him about that. But I didn't lie. The bruise is his hand print.

They don't think it's the same when they do it. They don't think the rules apply to them. He actually argued with the judge about it until she finally told him to shut up. She wasn't very happy with him.

I'm so sorry you went through all that and I'm super glad that you are doing all you can to protect yourself and your kids.

I totally agree with you. My ex was INSANELY insecure. The longer we went on the more clingy and crazy he got.

 

[sparks19]

One thing I learned is that there is a strong correlation between the level of intimacy in a relationship and the abusiveness of the abuser. That's why abuse usually gets worse as time passes. Abusers tend to be insecure in some ways (hence all the distrust and need to control) and the longer they're with a partner, the more "dirt" a partner has on them so they'll go to more extreme measures to maintain control. That's why leaving one is so dangerous.

I'll come right out and say it finally, as I don't have any more reason to be quiet about it. Robert is an abuser. I'm in the process of getting a divorce and have a domestic violence protection order against him protecting me and the kids because of the emotional and physical abuse he perpetrated against us and his unwillingness to get help or even admit that what he did was wrong, even though he admits to doing it. He threatened to kill the dogs if I didn't get rid of them (which he admitted to in an e-mail and in front of a judge) and when I stood up to him and said no, he tackled me to the floor in front of the kids and pinned me there while I screamed at him to get off and tried to fight him off until I finally lost consciousness. He admitted to doing that as well, to multiple people.

The scary thing is in court he defended his actions to the judge, saying I deserved it and made up some lame excuses why. This, the same guy that claimed he was horrified by guys that abused women.

I got a huge handprint shaped bruise on my leg from when he assaulted me. I showed it to him over skype to show him what he'd done, trying to convince him to get help. He flipped out on me, and started screaming at me about how he would never ever ever hurt me and why was I lying to him about that. But I didn't lie. The bruise is his hand print.

They don't think it's the same when they do it. They don't think the rules apply to them. He actually argued with the judge about it until she finally told him to shut up. She wasn't very happy with him.

Oh Romy... I'm so sorry I had no idea

You are right. They don't think what they are doing is wrong. Sometimes I think they really believe THEY are the victims

Sometimes I wonder if Chris and I were just such a bad personality match that he really just hated me that much or if he's just a serial abuser. What was it about me that made him want to treat me so badly and have no remorse or not even feel that it was wrong in any way. then I need to remind myself that it wasn't ME it was HIM. it's been almost ten years and the scars are still there and the insecurities still pop up. Sometimes if Brian and I have a disagreement I'll just shut down and be like "Fine I'm just stupid and I suck" and he would be left so confused about what the heck just happened. He gets it now that it's just left over defense mechanism that will likely never go away. Luckily the effects are few and far between all these years later but sometimes they still crop up and I still have nightmares that I have to be seperated from Brian back up in Canada and Chris comes back and moves in and I'm basically his hostage again and no matter how hard I try I can't dial Brians number or get a hold of him to come and save me.

It's horrible and I'm so so sorry (((HUGS)))

 

[Dogdragoness]

See he said he loves me & he does "care" for me in the sense if I need something hell buy it, he puts gas in my truck when I need it (I do drive 100 miles to see him every week tho & when I'm here he always wants to go a bunch of places) he always offers to buy me things (but I never let him, I'm a simple person who doesn't need a lot ... Just because I say some king is cute doesn't mean I want it lol) this is the part of him that makes me question getting out of the relationship.

But when he starts his suppressing **** trying to tell me which jobs I can take or who I can talk to or what I can wear (the other day he told me not to waear a shirt because he was afraid ppl would think he doesn't "take care of me" ) I was going to work! Only a crazy person wears their best stuff to work :/.

THAT'S when I start to question being with him

I'm also kind of Adria's to break up because we work in the same place & it would be horribly awkward :/ also tho I do love him but it would prolly also to around telling untrue things about me behind my back .

 

[darkchild16]

See he said he loves me & he does "care" for me in the sense if I need something hell buy it, he puts gas in my truck when I need it (I do drive 100 miles to see him every week tho & when I'm here he always wants to go a bunch of places) he always offers to buy me things (but I never let him, I'm a simple person who doesn't need a lot ... Just because I say some king is cute doesn't mean I want it lol) this is the part of him that makes me question getting out of the relationship.

But when he starts his suppressing **** trying to tell me which jobs I can take or who I can talk to or what I can wear (the other day he told me not to waear a shirt because he was afraid ppl would think he doesn't "take care of me" ) I was going to work! Only a crazy person wears their best stuff to work :/.

THAT'S when I start to question being with him

I'm also kind of Adria's to break up because we work in the same place & it would be horribly awkward :/ also tho I do love him but it would prolly also to around telling untrue things about me behind my back .

Im sorry but buying things for you does NOT mean he cares about you. It means like you said a couple lines after he cares what you look like because of how people will view him.

My husband will tell me something doesnt flatter me but would NEVER tell me WHAT to wear.

ETA:
My mom always spent money on me but then would turn around and beat the crap out of me. I realize his culture is different but how hes treating you is NOT right.

My husband can be a dick a VERY big dick (usually he doesnt realize it) but he wouldnt tell me to work somewhere I am uncomfortable. In fact I worked in a place that upset me CONSTANTLY and he told me flat out quit just QUIT its not worth your unhappiness we will make things work on my pay and Ill get something else if I have to.

 

[Dogdragoness]

What kind of unnerves me is the farther we get into the relationship the more possessive he tries to be ( I dot let him tho, I talk to & act however I want... It's not like I'm being this loud & obnoxious person :/) like I said he wanted me to work for the guy who's going to be int he same barn so he could keep an eye on me I think :/ like he doesn't trust me :/ thinking he salsas watching menus a lot of stress

I will admit it is financially "easier" to stay with him tho that's not the main reason why I do. I do love him. But sometimes he gets mad if I don't answer his call the first time or if I'm not where I said I was going to be (hey ... Sometimes I'm BUSY, man!) but I don't out up with it, I me him know I'm not a dog at his beckoning call & he gets mad & threatens to leave sometimes but at this point I'm like ... Whatever .