What's the funniest joke you've ever heard?

Discussion in 'Dog Jokes and Cartoons' started by ek9, Mar 22, 2008.

  1. ek9

    ek9 New Member

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    I don't know if it's the funniest, but it's pretty funny lol

    A blind man walks into a shop with a guide dog. He picks the dog up and starts swinging it around his head. Alarmed, a shop assistant calls out, "Can I help, sir?" "No thanks," says the blind bloke. "Just looking."
     
  2. arnold2008

    arnold2008 New Member

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    Squirrels had overrun three churches in town. After much prayer, the elders of the first church determined that the animals were predestined to be there. Who were they to interfere with God's will? they reasoned. Soon, the squirrels multiplied.The elders of the second church, deciding that they could not harm any of God's creatures, humanely trapped the squirrels and set them free outside of town. Three days later, the squirrels were back.It was only the third church that succeeded in keeping the pests away. The elders baptized the squirrels and registered them as members of the church. Now they only see them on Christmas and Easter.
    _________________________________________________
    Carhartt Sherpa Lines Jackets property in dubai
     
  3. SmexyPibble

    SmexyPibble Blow. Me. Away.

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    :rofl1: That made me laugh.
     
  4. a.baker

    a.baker New Member

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    I love both of those jokes!!! Any more people?
     
  5. a.baker

    a.baker New Member

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    O.k. not the funniest joke but hey its a GUY blond joke for once! And it was entertaining I suppose, I just got the email.

    The very first ever Blonde GUY joke..... And well worth the
    wait!

    An Irishman , a Mexican and a Blonde Guy were doing
    construction work on
    scaffolding on the 20th floor of a building..

    They were eating lunch and the Irishman said, 'Corned
    beef and cabbage! If
    I get corned beef and cabbage one more time for lunch,
    I'm going to jump off
    this building.'

    The Mexican opened his lunch box and exclaimed,
    'Burritos again! If I get
    burritos one more time I'm going to jump off, too.'


    The blonde opened his lunch and said, 'Bologna again!
    If I get a bologna
    sandwich one more time, I'm jumping too.'

    The next day, the Irishman opened his lunch box, saw corned
    beef and
    cabbage, and jumped to his death.

    The Mexican opened his lunch, saw a burrito, and jumped,
    too.



    The blonde guy opened his lunch, saw the bologna and jumped
    to his death as
    well.

    At the funeral, the Irishman's wife was weeping. She
    said, 'If I'd known how
    really tired he was of corned beef and cabbage, I never
    would have given it
    to him again!'

    The Mexican's wife also wept and said, 'I could
    have given him tacos or
    enchiladas! I didn't realize he hated burritos so
    much.'


    (Oh this is GOOD!!)

    Everyone turned and stared at the blonde's wife. The
    blonde's wife said,

    'Don't look at me. The idiot makes his own lunch.
     
  6. 4dogs3cats

    4dogs3cats Aroooooo!

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    I fail to see the humor in that last one.....

    Am I missing something?

    ETA- now that its removed.... never mind.. Now the actual last one IS funny lol
     
    Last edited: Feb 9, 2009
  7. 4dogs3cats

    4dogs3cats Aroooooo!

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    CURTAIN RODS

    She spent the first day packing her belongings into boxes, crates and suitcases.

    On the second day, she had the movers come and collect her things.

    On the third day, she sat down for the last time at their beautiful
    dining room table by candle-light, put on some soft background music, and feasted on a pound of shrimp, a jar of caviar, and a bottle of spring-water.

    When she had finished, she went into each and every room and deposited a few half-eaten shrimp shells dipped in caviar into the hollow of the curtain rods.

    She then cleaned up the kitchen and left. When the husband returned with his new girlfriend, all was bliss for the first few days.

    Then slowly, the house began to smell.

    They tried everything; cleaning, mopping and airing the place out.
    Vents were checked for dead rodents and carpets were steam cleaned.

    Air fresheners were hung everywhere. Exterminators were brought in to set off gas canisters, during which they had to move out for a few days and in the end they even paid to replace the expensive wool carpeting. Nothing worked

    People stopped coming over to visit.
    Repairmen refused to work in the house.
    The maid quit.

    Finally, they could not take the stench any longer and decided to move.

    A month later, even though they had cut their price in half, they
    could not find a buyer for their stinky house.

    Word got out and eventually even the local realtors refused to return their calls.

    Finally, they had to borrow a huge sum of money from the bank to purchase a new place.

    The ex-wife called the man and asked how things were going.

    He told her the saga of the rotting house. She listened politely and said that she missed her old home terribly and would be willing to reduce her divorce settlement in exchange for getting the house back.

    Knowing his ex-wife had no idea how bad the smell was, he agreed on a price that was about 1/10th of what the house had been worth, but only if she were to sign the papers that very day.

    She agreed and within the hour his lawyers delivered the paperwork.

    A week later the man and his girlfriend stood smiling as they watched the moving company pack everything to take to their new home.........

    And to spite the ex-wife, they even took the curtain rods!!!!!!
     
  8. bubbatd

    bubbatd Moderator

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    Those are great !
     
  9. Doberluv

    Doberluv Active Member

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    Heh, heh, heh..those are funny.

    Here's one....can't recall if it's the funniest I ever heard but this was passed around when I worked as a pharmacy tech several years ago. We got all kinds of phamacist related jokes faxed to us.


    A young man in his late teens walks into a pharmacy looking for condoms for himself and his rather new girl friend. He is confused as to which ones to buy so asks the pharmacist for help, which he gets, says, "thank you" and leaves the store.

    Later that night, he and his girlfriend are invited to go to her parent's home for dinner. As they sit down at the table, they bow their heads and fold their hands for grace. Ater grace is over, the family all begins eating. But the young man, the boyfriend of the daugher continues to bow his head very deeply and doesn't eat.

    The girl friend says, "Honey, I didn't know you were so religious." And the boy friend says, "I didn't know your father was a pharmacist."

    :rofl1:
     
  10. Doberluv

    Doberluv Active Member

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    :rofl1::rofl1: That's hilarious!!!!!
     
  11. Doberluv

    Doberluv Active Member

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    Oh woops...these aren't all dog jokes. Oh well.
     
  12. 4dogs3cats

    4dogs3cats Aroooooo!

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    A teacher gave her fifth grade class an assignment: Get their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it.

    The next day the kids came back and one by one began to tell their stories.

    "Johnny, do you have a story to share?"

    "Yes Ma'am. My daddy told a story about my Aunt Karen. She was a pilot in Desert Storm and her plane got hit. She had to bail out over enemy territory and all she had was a flask of whiskey, a pistol and a Survival knife. She drank the whiskey on the way down so it wouldn't break and then her parachute landed right in the middle of twenty enemy troops. She shot fifteen of them with the gun until she ran out of bullets. Killed four more with the knife, till the blade broke, and then she Killed the last Iraqi with her bare hands. Good Heavens" said the horrified teacher.

    "What kind of moral did your daddy tell you from this horrible story?

    "Stay the F*** away from Aunt Karen when she's drinking!"
     
  13. 4dogs3cats

    4dogs3cats Aroooooo!

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    I laugh EVERY time I read that one lol
     
  14. 4dogs3cats

    4dogs3cats Aroooooo!

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    Okay this one is really long, but it is HILLARIOUS. Like.. dont drink any fluids whilst reading this, especially the end. And if you do drink liquids and end up spitting them all over your computer screen, please do not say I didn't warn you.

     
  15. Izzy's Valkyrie

    Izzy's Valkyrie Very Food Agressive

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    I thought this was originally about a hamster which is actually more believable since reptiles don't really stick out their hemipenes without provocation. Ask sizzle, I'm positive they're not really pleasure driven fiends lol.
     
  16. 4dogs3cats

    4dogs3cats Aroooooo!

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    hmmm. But its funny as a lizard too though! lol
     
  17. Dakotah

    Dakotah Kotah BEAR

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    :rofl1: at the Lizard one.
     
  18. LauraLeigh

    LauraLeigh New Member

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    omg...... Lmao:d
     
  19. dimitrisrblue

    dimitrisrblue New Member

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    Three engineers and three accountants were traveling by train to a conference. At the station, the three accountants each bought tickets and watched as the three engineers bought only one ticket.
    "How are three people going to travel on only one ticket?" asked an accountant.
    "Watch and you'll see", answered an engineer.

    They all boarded the train. The accountants took their respective seats, but the three engineers all crammed into a rest room and closed the door behind them. Shortly after the train departed, the conductor came around collecting tickets. He knocked on the restroom door and said, "Ticket, please".
    The door opened just a crack and a single arm emerged with a ticket in hand.
    The conductor took it and moved on.

    The accountants saw this and agreed it was a quite clever idea. So, after the conference, the accountants decide to copy the engineers on the return trip and save some money (being clever with money, and all that). When they got to the station, they bought a single ticket for the return trip. To their astonishment, the engineers didn't buy a ticket at all.
    "How are you going to ride without a ticket"? said one perplexed accountant.
    "Watch and you'll see", answered an engineer.

    When they boarded the train, the three accountants crammed into a restroom and the three engineers crammed into another one nearby. The train departed. Shortly afterward, one of the engineers left his restroom and walked over to the restroom where the accountants were hiding. He knocked on the door and said, "Ticket, please."

    via funny-city.com
     
  20. bubbatd

    bubbatd Moderator

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    What's black and white and blue all over ? ~~~~ A Nun after falling down stairs .
     

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