I feel like the biggest idiot! Here I am in the medical field.... I know better. I know what I would be telling someone else if it were them. I've had this discussion before on this forum about my "phobia" of the gyn doctors. I wish I could explain it better, without making myself look like the most ignorant and stupid person on the planet.
I know it's not a big deal to go to the doctor... even the gyn doctor. I don't know a single person that likes to go to the gyn doctor unless they're odd. I wish it was as simple as just not liking to go to the doctor. But unfortunately it's way beyond that. I've built up this full fledged phobia that consumes me.
As stupid as this is... I just made a comment to TJ that amazed me that I would even say such a thing, but I did. As the tears streamed down my face I looked at him and said "I'd almost rather die than have this taken care of" How stupid of a person can I be to rather DIE? There is no rational part of my thought process in regards to this.
I have family and friends and they've all begged and pleaded with me to take care of this, but yet... I don't. It's not that I don't love my family and adore my friends... it's my ridiculous phobia that makes me come up with every excuse in the world for why I can't go.
Basically... what it's come down to is I've been dealing with bleeding nearly every day of my life for at least 10 years if not longer. Most of the time it's just enough bleeding I have to wear something where as other times it's so much that I soak through EVERYTHING in a matter of minutes. My body has compensated for all the chronic blood loss I have. I stay tired a lot of the times and find it hard to get out of the bed at times.. but overall I do pretty good with it. I can work full time and do my job without anyone having to pick up any of my slack.
The hormone surges are awful. I go from happy go lucky to bitch woman in 10 seconds flat. I usually take it out on my family rather than taking it to work with me. My family deals with it because they know it's not often I have control over it. I've dealt with that stuff for years and just got used to it being "normal" for me even though having your period 365 days a year would be very abnormal to someone else.
What's got me all in a tizzy is that there's been a change in my body that I've noticed over the past few months. I wasn't sure 100% but this morning when I got home from work... I was sure. I've either got a massive tumor or I've got something prolapsing. This is kinda gross... but there's no other way to explain it. Something is trying to fall out of me. So, it's either a tumor, or it's a body part... such as my bladder, uterus, cervix, vaginal wall...etc.
It's definately got me scared because if it was my bladder or my uterus.. it should have a smooth feeling to it.. and this is not smooth. It makes me think it's some kind of tumor. That all by itself would have any rational sane person on the phone making an appointment to be looked at.
Instead... I'm thinking of all the reasons why I can't make an appointment. I'm not a nut case, I know this sounds absolutely absurd. I wish I could have one person understand where I'm coming from with this.. but I know that's never going to happen. If I was on the other side of the picture I would think that the person not making the appointment was a whack job and needed psychiatric help. So, you see... I know how completely stupid I am acting about this when my life could absolutely be in danger.
I've tried the whole sedation thing when I had to have my cardiac cath done a couple of years ago. They gave me enough drugs to knock a horse out they said... plus I took 2 anti anxiety pills a friend gave me prior to even going there... and NONE of it worked. I was as hyped up and stressed as if I had taken no medication. All they can think of is the stress and anxiety I was experiencing was causing the drugs not to take effect on me. And here they were scared I was going to have respiratory depression with the all the drugs they gave me.
So, here I sit and ponder why I am so irrational with this whole thing
. Why I would risk my life because of my fear. I've had this phobia for years.. but it's really gotten a lot worse in the last 5 years or so.
I appreciate all the thoughts and prayers. I pray everyday I will overcome this and just go to the doctor which could actually probably save my life. I know praying for it to go away is not realistic anymore.. it's not going anywhere. As odd as this sounds.. I really hope none of my body parts decide to fall out of me at work, I think I would just wanna die right then and there of humiliation. On that note... I'm off to work.
Thanks for listening to me whine about this. I really needed to get this off my chest. Now I think I can go to work tonight and not cry about it.. I've cried enough already to give myself a whopping head ache
