It's not a lack of discussion on our part ..honestly. I would be straightforward if we hadn't discussed it& it was sort of a pipedream I was wishing he'd mind read from me. We have discussed it ..at one point, he said he wasn't sure he wanted to commit to me. We have a great relationship and that stung. I'm still here because I love him& I do know he loves me. I just don't know what is the end point for him. For me, it's marriage. So I gave him 18 months. Then I'm gone. It is technically an ultimatum ..but it's also reality.
Oh, I didn't mean to imply it's that you guys haven't talked about it. I know you have because I read your post previously about it. And honestly, it breaks my heart that you're in that situation. I can't imagine being with somebody for eight years and then hearing them say they aren't sure they're ready to commit. I would be way overstepping my bounds to give you any further input on the situation, but I know you've talked about it.
I still stand by that I think situations like that arise from a lack of honesty, often with one's self more than one's significant other. Not that I believe anybody is setting out to deceive, just that often we don't think of things until we HAVE to... and then sometimes we don't like what we find.
I've said it before on this forum... I left a guy I loved and who loved me because I knew our lives were heading in different directions. I could have stayed with him, if I had, we would probably be married right now. But I can honestly say I don't believe I would be happy. So I left, because sometimes, love is just not enough. I didn't give him any ultimatums, in fact I lied about why we were breaking up to try and save some heartache, some arguing, some "but I love you, don't go." (Here's a relationship hint: don't lie about why you're breaking up... you might think you're avoiding the heartache, but as it turns out, you're only delaying it. And then you have to fess up to lying on top of everything else. Bad.)
Calling it an ultimatum is... well, I don't think it's a conversation I would have exactly. I HATE the "define the relationship" talk but I have had a relationship where I had a "so where do you see this going..?" talk to make sure we were on the same page. (We weren't. MISSION ABORT MISSION ABORT.) I think giving him time to think it over is wise and calm, I'm not sure I would lay out a strict timetable, but I think after you've brought the subject up as "this is what I'm looking for, and if we're not going the same direction, we should consider parting ways." I just think it can be an entirely reasonable and logical discussion rather than the "Either I have a ring in eighteen months or I'm leaving you!!" kind of discussion I think "ultimatum" conjures up. Maybe that's the discussion you personally had, LOL, I don't know. It doesn't have to be that way though. I think two mature adults (and I'm just speaking in general terms here) can have conversations about the future of a relationship without one person then whining later that they were manipulated into something.
Ultimately what it sounds like is that you only want marriage. You don't want marriage with him. As harsh as it sounds, if you were willing to marry this man, you would stay with him. Marriage isn't about getting what you want out of a person. You can love someone, and not want to marry them. It's okay. If you are willing to leave him because he won't marry you, it's safe to say that you really don't love him all that much.
I don't think that is true at all. To some people, marriage is FAR more than "I'm just here with this person I love exactly like we were when we were dating." In fact, to MOST people it is. Because I don't know a single married couple who would disagree that marriage changes things.
Even in this specific case, he said he wasn't sure if he wanted to commit to her. Even to her SO, marriage is a commitment that goes beyond "we're still dating." So no, this is not a question of "do I love you?" It's a question of "am I prepared to commit the rest of my life to you?"
If you are prepared to commit the rest of your life to somebody who is not willing to do the same for you - welcome to codependency.
PS: codependency is not love, no matter what Hollywood wants you to think.