Caution: clusterf*ck of just random stressful first world problems/things about to pop off in this post
Just been feeling kind of stressed lately. Usually I'm fine but in waves sometimes it all just comes crashing down in moments of SHUHnjjthgulrkghbeth like this one and I thought getting it all down would help.
I don't really know what I want to be. I'm happy here, I like school, I like my job, I love Merlin of course..
but I feel the pressure setting in. It's like this constant weight on my chest. What the hell am I doing with my life?
The stress of my student loans
The stress of my body not being what I want it to be. My thighs touch when I walk and that is a constant reminder of me just..letting it all go.
Disappointing people
Not know what I want to do career wise really.
I just sit there and straddle the line between "CARPE DIEM! ONE DAY AT A TIME.. I"M FOCUSING ON MY LIFE TODAY and.. OH GOD! I DON'T KNOW WHAT I WANT! I AM GOING TO END UP HOMELESS OR LIVING WITH MY PARENTS! I NEED A CAREER GOAL!"
Graduating a year behind my friends because I changed majors (yay for more debt.)
and GUILT over this stress because yea.. I've been very lucky when it comes to scholarships, supportive parents etc..etc..many people have it MUCH worse
I'm 21.. what if I end up alone?
A while back I was in a bind.. I owed money for school and my parents were going through a rough patch and there was NO money coming in from Haiti and we were giving all liquid funds to help family there because of the earthquake and I took out this $7000 loan.. super high interest RIDICULOUS loan. and I am paying it off but I just hate myself for doing it. It's stacking up interest and just..it's awful. I hate it so much. I had to do it, it was, at the time, the only choice so I could take my finals.. but I just resent it so much. And I feel like a mouse on a wheel paying this thing off as the interest keeps piling on.
I waste way too much time on the internet and watching stupid TV. I know this. I hate myself for doing this. PICK UP ONE OF THE MANY MANY UNREAD BOOKS SITTING ON THE SHELF DAMMIT. Do something productive instead of wasting away.
I hate when my inner introvert shows up at the WORST times. I love my friends..do I call them? Nope. Do I text them? No. How about family.. nope, not calling them either. Let me sit like a hermit with my dog too anxious to talk to the people I love and then hurt that they don't ALWAYS reach out and talk to me.
Why is it so hard for me to ask for help? to tell people that I'm hurt or upset and need them.
I hate having to act happy all the time. I mean.. why do I do this? Of course nobody knows I'm stressed or sad or upset.. because little miss sunshine HAS to be there. ALL THE TIME. because to show my feelings would be impolite. Because who would care? How would people react? What would they think?
So much guilt. Because.. I have it so much better than many.
Why do I want to cry all the time? is it normal? Do people feel that in their chest all day? Is smiling a coping mechanism for EVERYONE?
Why do I take it out on myself.. if I eat less, pluck more, cover up more, conceal this, highlight that, fix my bangs, run more, workout more, stand in the mirror and pick out my flaws until they are ALL I can see.. how will my life be better? When has that EVER worked?
Stop obsessing over stupid things. Yes, I ate 3 bites of lemon pound cake this morning. Who cares. Why does this bother me as much as it does? THE POUND CAKE IS NOT TO BLAME FOR YOU BEING UPSET.
I am a perfectly reasonable normal human being when I'm a friend. Put me in a romantic relationship and I become just.. ugh. I try so hard to be perfect, to be just right, to please the other person.. I get lost. Why do I do this? Why can't I just be myself? So of course I'm scared to be in a relationship because yes, what if they do see the REAL me and *shock*..they don't like it.
My hair is curly. The weather is currently humid and rainy and wet. WHO CARES that it doesn't lay perfectly. Why does it bother me so? and why can't I accept that my hair is curly.. I hate fighting with blowdryers and irons but..I always do.
I need to stop staring at my thighs and butt in the mirror. Why do I do this? Torture myself? Maybe I'm some kind of masochist.
I need to stop procrastinating. Seriously. When is the last time I started a paper more than 3
Having a friend that is mad at you sucks.
Not being able to apologize of fix it because you are mad at them as well..also sucks.
Should I have a 401k.. should I have a bigger savings account. Wtf am I doing. I'm supposed to be an adult. Should I have a credit card. Should I be building my credit?!
Why are my legs so short. It's weird. I mean.. I'm short.. but they are disproportionally short.
Stop eating to deal with stress.
Stop rewarding yourself with food.
YOU
ARE
NOT
A
DOG
Stop making food into the climactic villain or coping mechanism.
Stop worrying about loans all the time. If freaking out over loans paid loans.. you wouldn't have any.
One step at a time.
There are so many worse things health wise than what I have. And yet. I feel like it occupies everything I do. Where I go, when I go, what I do. BUT WHAT IF? WHAT IF? SEIZURES SEIZURES SEIZURES SEIZURES.
I'm sick of the drugs, of falling, of being sick, of hospitals, just ALL OF IT. I want it to just be done.
They are just loans.
It's not cancer.
It's not a death sentence.
It's not life in debt and homelessness.
It's money owed.
You will deal with it.
$13,000
It's less than a lot of cars.
Your college experience, your diploma.. is worth so much more.
STOP FREAKING OUT.
I haven't been wearing my retainer and I am getting a gap in my teeth. Really cute.
What if I mess Merlin up? What if I don't train him enough now and he ends up a total terror and I can't find a place to rent because he is a nightmare and I can't move or do anything and he is miserable. What if his separation anxiety gets worse.. like.. a lot worse? what the hell am I going to do.
What if after all this I end up at some dead end job that I hate. And all this was for nothing. and my parents think I'm a enormous failure and everything falls apart
English majors. I love my major but what if it's really useless. What if law school doesn't work out and I've done all this for a nothing diploma. I'm too far in and not close enough and just.. gah.
What if I look back one day and realize I did nothing. I watched tv, I went online, I ate, I slept.. I did..nothing.
They say there is someone for everyone but what if there isn't.
that didn't feel much better but at least it's all out. I am going to go take a shower and go to bed now.