On Driving Away our Members

[drmom777]

Instead of just adding to the old thread on a similar topic, I am starting a new one. The mods can feel free to consolidate or delete, I will not be offended. When people post items of a personal nature, it is important to not respond with comments that are judgmental or likely to hurt.

It has previously been stated that it is important to stomp on people that do things with their pets that members deem inappropriate in order to educate not just the posters, but also lurkers. I actually have issues with this theory as well, but there is no way it can be applied to posts here, in the non-dog part of the forum.

Civil behavior applies here, just the same as it does in the real world. If a person came to you with some of the problems posted here, and asked for help and support face to face, I certainly hope some of you would be more tactful than you are here.

The easiest thing to do if you do not have anything nice to say, is to say nothing. If you find some threads whiny or annoying, ignore them. I see too many people getting hurt here. And I really don't like the gang mentality, where one person states a negative opinion and then others echo it.

Everyone knows that posting in all caps is like yelling. Well, this reptitive negative posting is just like surrounding someone and ganging up on them. It is essentially bullying.

Remember, these are real people you are talking to.

And i will reiterate the motto I wish we would all follow:

First, do no harm.

 

[Juicy]

 

[Nechochwen]

my personal belief: It's the internet; grow some thicker skin and get over it if you get your feelings hurt.

 

[Saje]

Civil behavior applies here, just the same as it does in the real world. If a person came to you with some of the problems posted here, and asked for help and support face to face, I certainly hope some of you would be more tactful than you are here.

Nicely said. And I admit I am guilty of that. I'm trying to pull away from the pack

Also, I think that it's easy for people to hide behind their keyboards and be blunt and downright rude when in real life many would be pussy cats with a face-to-face confrontation. Maybe we need to stay true to ourselves?

 

[noludoru]

my personal belief: It's the internet; grow some thicker skin and get over it if you get your feelings hurt.

While that's nice and all, there's a point where you can reasonably say someone needs a thicker skin - and I know very few people who don't sometimes "need" one, we all have off days and triggers and misinterpret things - and then we step over into where you're being an asshole and need to stop pestering someone. EVERYONE has different limits and if you have the attitude of "well, everyone ELSE just needs to be tougher" all the time you might be chasing away some really good people. And that's what this thread is about.

(And no, before anyone says it, I'm not exempting myself from being the asshole some, er, maybe a lot of the time.)

 

[drmom777]

my personal belief: It's the internet; grow some thicker skin and get over it if you get your feelings hurt.

I think, though, that that isn't a practical alternative. What really happens is that people stop posting things they actually care about. Some members leave needlessly. And the forum becomes way less interesting than it could be.

Also, telling people to grow a thicker skin does not give people a free pass to ignore courtesy and civility. i haven't seen you bullying anyone or attacking members, so you may not be aware of the problem.

I'm not talking about censorship, just common sense and common courtesy.

 

[noludoru]

I'm just going to butt my nose out of this now since you've got it all handled, and very eloquently, too. Drmom.

 

[Babyblue5290]

I agree, but I also disagree. I don't know, I have a hard time with people here a lot. I HATE when people say nothing to something a lot of people obviously find unethical (sorry, lack of proper wording right now -_-). Such as someone posts about their puppies they just bred, cockapoos or something similair. And everyone says "Awww cute puppies." That bugs me a lot. Or the same thing with buying a puppy from a BYB "breeder" or pet store.

I understand not wanting to drive them away by bashing them right off the bat, but, to me, just saying "aww cute puppies" or something similair gives off the impression that it's OK to breed those puppies. That no one has any issues with it. Not only to the poster but to all those lurkers as well and that's not something I like at all.

Then again, I understand not outright going "Your a horrible person, how could you breed those designer dogs! Hundreds die each day in shelters because of you and blah blah" because then people don't listen. It's finding that line between the two I really have a hard time getting to.

Especially since when I don't intend to sound mean or rude, it still comes out that way to them because either all they want to hear is "cute puppies" etc. or just because they didn't read it the way I did when I wrote it.

I really don't have that much tact, in real life or on the internet. I'm pretty blunt when I feel comfortable. I'm not that elequoent with my words. I try, but it doesn't work out. And I will NOT sit back and say nothing if no one else has yet to say anything.

I mean, if half the forum already said what I wanted to say, I'll just stay out of it because I'll have nothing productive to add. But if no one has said it (to how I feel necesary) then I will say it as best I can, but usually it doesn't come out right.

 

[Nechochwen]

While that's nice and all, there's a point where you can reasonably say someone needs a thicker skin - and I know very few people who don't sometimes "need" one, we all have off days and triggers and misinterpret things - and then we step over into where you're being an asshole and need to stop pestering someone. EVERYONE has different limits and if you have the attitude of "well, everyone ELSE just needs to be tougher" all the time you might be chasing away some really good people. And that's what this thread is about.

(And no, before anyone says it, I'm not exempting myself from being the asshole some, er, maybe a lot of the time.)

Like I said, it's my personal belief. No one else has to share it with me, nor am I forcing it on others.

I just feel that you should be blunt and to the point when telling someone what you think of them, even more so online. Someone is being an asshole? Tell them straight up and do something about it if it bothers you that much. If they say they're doing things to their dogs you find horrible, tell them so.

 

[puppydog]

Look, I am all for growing a thicker skin when you come on and ASK for advice.
If the advice is civil and stated in a tactful way, all the better.

BUT, and here comes the but, when someone comes on here with a very personal issue that is so hard for them that they feel they are not coping. They just want to vent and feel that people are here for them, flaming them is downright rude.

 

[chanda]

let's just respect other people's opinions... peace!

 

[smkie]

I will not join in on behavior like that. I agree three thousand fold. THere is a way to be tactful and respectful, and there is a way to back up three steps and think before you type too. I seriously don't understand why some people feel they should feed on it, control it, destroy it, dramatize it, drag it on. THey forget that some are young, some are inexperienced, and some are just craving attention and if you give it they will just crave more. THere has been half a dozen times i have almost walked away from CHazhound because of it. There are times i just have to take a CHaz break because i am tired of it. I stay because i feel i have something to give from my experiences with dogs. But i don't respond if i feel i have nothing of value to add. WE have a wide range of ages here and that does take a serious amount of tolerance. It isn't surprising that what gets me most is the control cravers and the better then thou's, even more then the out and out don't know betters.

 

[ihartgonzo]

The easiest thing to do if you do not have anything nice to say, is to say nothing.

I'm sorry Drmom, I can agree with most of your points... but... I just HATE that cliché.

Saying nothing BEGETS nothing. No one learns anything. No one shares anything. No one grows. Why even have a forum, if this is expected of members?

Just like in real life, the intuh'netz isn't all flowers and lollipops. People are going to disagree with you, on almost any topic, and people who are more educated/experienced in certain topics are going to inform you of any misconceptions you may have. I have learned SO MUCH here, and I would way rather feel kind of embarassed for a few moments and have learned everything I have, than have learned nothing and recieved "polite" responses.

I am a member of another forum (which will go un-named) that largely goes by the same cliché. Although there are plenty of nice people there, very little valuable information is shared. 99% of the threads involve "This is my dog." - "How cute." - "Awww!". Which, of course, I'm a huge fan of... but there are only so many synonyms for "cute". I can't even think of a thread on that forum that I found remotely educational, or eye-opening, or truly interesting. At least not for years.

I do agree that it's not what you say, as much as how you say it. People SHOULD try their best to maintain some decorum when responding to any other member... but sometimes, people get passionate. If anything, I respect people who are passionate about sharing information.

 

[smkie]

WHat amazes me the most is if someone does something postive... it gets minimal response. But let someone obviously post a thread to stir the pot, and everyone jumps in with both feet. Society amazes me and seldom makes me proud to be a part of it.

 

[Squishy22]

All I have to say is that people are more likely to take advice if you are nice and treat them with respect. Being rude and in their face is just going to make the person defensive. Whats the point?

 

[Debi]

I belong to a forum that has a specific place to vent. you can go there (members only, which is also nice) and rant, gripe, blow off steam..it's the place to just let go. it keeps rants off the general chat, which is fun for happy kinds of threads. it gives members the immediate heads-up...stay away from that area if you aren't interested. of course you still can't bash people, but we also know that if you post...people have the freedom to respond. it's a good way to get things off your chest with honest feedback. maybe a thought for Chaz??? otherwise, please always post...'this is a rant', so nobody will give opinions and it can slip quietly by with only the people that want to send a positive thought. I hardly think people really leave because of somebody's opinion. alot of people just step away from the internet in general...maybe life gets busy, maybe they're just too bummed out to cope. people get mad at me all the time, it's not the end of the world. without that 'rant' title, I'm not going to know if it's ok to say anything or not.

there are always threads like this, which I'm not saying is a bad thing. your heart is in the right place, but they don't really control behavior. sometimes things 'sound' wrong when written, and a large group of people with different personalities isn't going to be controlled. unless you want to dictate strict rules and give more time-outs until people are sure they only say the sweet things.

or...maybe we shouldn't post anything personal, just to be on the safe side. that kind of solves it all.

 

[PoodleMommy]

I missed all the fun?

hating my computer battery for having died

 

[HoundedByHounds]

Um yeah if my cousin who's my age comes up to me to rag about her man...whom I know she has issues with. I WILL tell her just what I put here. I am not her Momma...I do not pull punches when adults who have brains...do stupid things. IRL or online. I try not to be overtly rude...but I am blunt. Intentionally.

 

[jess2416]

where did my post go.... ??

nvr mind wrong thread hahahhaa

 

[Paige]

:hail::hail::hail::hail:

Amen DrMom.