I was going to reply over there, but I think this is a muuuuch better idea. Not that the Venting Thread doesn't get derailed about 5x a day or anything.
Many poly couples I've met have stable happy relationships and sexual relationships with other people they know very closely, they don't jump into it with a new partner/s willy nilly (especially when it comes to trust, understanding & health) I've had plenty of conversations with them about it and it's hardly random, it was describe to me as having a few serious sexual relationships built on trust. Jealousy is a factor but one that they overcome and help them grow as a couple.. and they consider it a fair price for a relationship style they truly enjoy.
And quite a few have the girl in the relationship that chose the lifestyle/has partners of her own of either sex.
and it's no more unsafe, done the right way, than being in a monogamous couple (people cheat sometimes and they are hardly as careful health wise, and people have sexual histories of all kinds..). Either way in either lifestyle sometimes things happen over "just one mistake"
I know plenty of abusive, broken up, unhealthy jealous monogamous relationships that end in hurt and jealousy.. I'd say your experience has a lot to do with you view of it, which is fair, I just don't think it's fair to paint it with such a general statement.
Like all relationships of all kinds, there is good and bad.
While it's not my thing.. I can certainly understand the lifestyle for two people WHO WANT IT (which is not what is going on here)
Like I can't totally wrap my head around getting over the jealousy etc.. I'm sure there are plenty of things about mono. relationships those in poly. can't wrap their heads around.. live and learn lol I guess
I was going to snip only the parts of this I wanted to respond to, but I think the whole thing is worth a read. There is a huge misconception that being poly is "men wanting to sleep with anything that moves" and that it's a reckless, crazy lifestyle.
I was in a relationship with someone who was also in a committed relationship for a while. When we broke up, he broke up with her as well for unrelated reasons. He and I eventually got back together, and after being 'second' for so long, I put my foot down about there being another person introduced into our relationship or sex life - I wanted to be #1 for a while. That didn't change, and when we opened things up a bit, it didn't go well and kind of burned me on the whole thing. I set the boundaries, boundaries were crossed, then my feelings and hurt were dismissed completely for months, at which point I ended the relationship and moved to CO.
We're still (or should I say we are once again) best friends. When we visit, there's usually sex involved. He's currently in a relationship with an awesome woman, and has a local FWB on the side. We still love one another unconditionally and I think it's unlikely that that will ever change, but that's definitely changed from romantic love into another flavor of love.
Our current rules are as follows:
#1. There has to be proof of
current STD testing. Not "baby, I'm clean!" Not "I got my results and we're good!" Actual papers from your doctor's office or local planned parenthood showing that you're clear of HIV, Chlamydia, Gonorrhea, Herpes 1&2, Syphillis, etc to name a few. I have Kaiser and that involves me saying "TEST ME FOR EVERYTHING. NO, EVERYTHING. Assume I frequent street corners and am at high risk and give me every single STD test that you have." Doctors offices normally only want to test you for things that you're at risk for, but I'd rather be safe than sorry. For people who go out and get STD tested
after they sleep with random strangers, just stop.
You don't want to know whose house to bomb when you get HIV, you want to prevent getting it, so start making smarter decisions about safe sex. I trust him and have known him long enough to know that he'll ask for them from someone else before sleeping with them, but that's a rare sort of trust for me - and I
have asked to see his other partners' papers in the past.
#2. Communication. I tested positive for herpes 1, which is the cold sore virus that about 70% of the population has. I told him he might have been exposed, which led to a discussion with his GF letting her know
she might have been exposed. It turns out that Planned Parenthood uses the cheapest, least accurate test that throws a 5% rate of false positives, so I got re-tested with Kaiser. All three of those came back negative, so I freaked them out for nothing. (Just in case any of you plan on getting tested, you want the IGG test, and if they offer it, the IGM.)
#3. Barrier methods. That's more a personal comfort zone thing, though.
#4. Trust. Anyone we are sleeping with has to be fine with these rules and be of the same "safety first" mindset that we are. I'd be getting laid a lot more if I didn't have these rules, but I'd rather play it safe.
No one's perfect, we've all made mistakes and had moments of bad judgment. . . but that's where communication comes in!
Edit:
That said, poly and swinging are two separate things. I'd most likely be okay with an open relationship in the future, because, well, do I even need to explain how fun variety and multiple partners can be? I don't think I'd be okay with a truly poly relationship - no one taught me how to share as a child.
I'd like to be enlightened and amazing and say, "yes, my darling, I'm so happy you're in love with your new BF/GF," but that's just not who I am right now - I would feel threatened and less special, even if, in reality, I was cherished and important. That's insecurity talking, and I'm okay with that - and I'll be honest and upfront with that in any future relationships.
Swinging is when a couple exchanges sexual partners, and for a lot of people that's a lifestyle. I would
not be okay with that in the way that I've seen it done, namely because of rules #1, #2, and #4. If those could all be met, then sure, that would make it the same thing as my definition of an open relationship.