My Grandmother died this morning

[Xerxes]

And strangely I don't feel sad, or much of anything at all.

My grandmother (my father's mother) died this morning. I got a call last night, late, that said she probably would die. She wasn't elderly...maybe 75. But she had a brain aneurysm about a dozen years ago that left her just a shell of herself. I saw her last in 1999. (She lives 2,500 miles away in NM)

When I saw her last, I was taken aback. This woman who had always taken care of herself and primped herself was wearing non-matching paper slippers and her hair was a mess. She couldn't form complete sentences, nor complete her thoughts. I think that was the day she really died for me.

My mom and sister are going to fly out for the funeral. Apparently the air fare is over $700, plus motel, rental car and food expenses. I'll be taking care of my sister's chihuahua for the weekend. That should be an adventure.

Can someone make some sense out of this for me? Why don't I feel anything? It really seems to me that I should be grieving in at least some way-but I can't.

 

[~Jessie~]

I felt the same way when my grandmother died 4 years ago. The thing that made me most upset was the fact that I wasn't upset.

 

[ToscasMom]

I would say you do feel somethng. Relief. For her. And that is why you are not sad.

 

[Chewbecca]

well, I think, like you said, you probably did your grieving back when you realized she was no longer the person you knew as your grandmother. You probably realized then that she never would be again.
I'm sorry for your loss, but if you're not grieving right now, don't beat yourself up over it. You might grieve later, or you may not.

 

[Mayasmydobe]

Maybe becuase you see this as a blessing for her. You know that she is in a better place and that makes you "okay" with everything.

 

[Charliesmommy]

Oh Xerox......I'm so sorry.

A friend of mine lost her mom several years ago and she felt the same way. She just didn't really feel much of anything about it. Then, about 2 weeks later she was in the kitchen cooking and had a question about how to do something and she picked up the phone to call her mom. She had dialed about 1/2 the number before it struck her that her mom was not going to answer at the other end. That's when the grieving process started for her. Sometimes it takes a while to sink in.

I also think with people who are in extremely poor health, sometimes you are just sort of relieved to see them move on and not be suffering anymore. That's how it was when my grandma died. She had been in a nursing home for some time and was pretty much unresponsive. It was no way to live. It was sad when she died, but it was worse to see her in the state she was in for the last year of her life.

Everyone deals with death in their own way. ((hugs))

 

[eddieq]

First, I'm sorry to hear about you losing your grandmother.

Everyone grieves in their own way. I crack jokes. My brother in law smokes pot. My wife eats. It's just how we do things.

You are a bit stoic now, but chances are, you'll grieve openly at some point. Don't feel like there is something wrong with you if it doesn't happen or hasn't happened right away. I lost my final grand parent last fall. I was relieved for her and didn't immediately go into mourning mode. It came when we closed the casket and went to the cemetary (helped that I was on percocet from a recent surgery). I was fortunate enough to have all four grand parents around well into adult hood. My great grandmother even held my oldest daughter about a month before she passed.

I hope that whatever comfort you need is available to you, either from family and friends or from this community.

 

[Xerxes]

Thanks everybody...

 

[Jules]

You know, it's because you know that she is "better off" now.
My uncle died this summer- he had a stroke about 13 years ago and was not himself anymore either, to put it in kind words. I felt relieved when he passed- because I knew he wasn't living much of a life.

Do you have a nice picture of her and you or just you? I think, it would mean a lot if you would put that up and remember her the way she was before her brain aneurysm.

(((((((HUGS)))))) and I am sorry for your loss, Ed.

 

[~Jessie~]

I am so sorry for your loss.

 

[Puckstop31]

I am sorry for your loss.

People grieve in different ways. I felt the same way you do now, at first, when my maternal grandmother passed. She died a slow and painful death from colon cancer. Yet she was in high spirits and was her witty self up until about 3 days before. Through the viewing, funeral and sauch, I really felt nothing. In a way I was happy for her because she was no longer in pain.

Then came the 4th of July. (She died in April of 1992) The 4th is a big holiday in my moms family. Not only are they very patriotic, but it was also the time for EVERYone to get together. Grandma was always the mover and shaker at that event... It hit me hard then... But it passed and again I felt happy for her. (For reasons we have already beaten to a pulp in other threads.)

Maybe you will feel the loss later, maybe not.... Either way there is nothing wrong with "feeling nothing". You obviously care as it bothers you that you are not reacting the way you think you should. Could that have been the way she would have wanted it? To not weep, but remember and live on?


And on a personal note... As a "cured" PTSD patient, if you do not feel "ok" with this after a certain period of time, amke sure you talk to a close family mamber or a health care pro about it. Bottled up grief can eat you up, it did me for a long time.

Good luck and feel free to PM me if you need to talk...

 

[drmom777]

Just don't let yourself feel guilty about not feeling bad. It's also possible that you did most of your greiving before, when she first became ill.

 

[ToscasMom]

...and sometimes you just go numb. Happened to me, so i understand.

 

[Renee750il]

Xerxes . . . I think you answered your own question when you talked about how you felt when she had the aneurism that took her true life away from her.

But, as others have said, there may be some event or some memory that releases feelings you aren't consciously aware of. Just let it wash through, and then you will be free to savor the good memories you have and to tell the warm, funny, loving stories you have of her.

 

[Xerxes]

And on a personal note... As a "cured" PTSD patient, if you do not feel "ok" with this after a certain period of time, amke sure you talk to a close family mamber or a health care pro about it. Bottled up grief can eat you up, it did me for a long time.

Good luck and feel free to PM me if you need to talk...

Thanks. And I'm pretty sure I will be making a call to my therapist-being a veteran of 25+ years of depression, I know that's a must.

Thank you for your thoughts and for sharing your experiences.

 

[Fruit bat]

Xerxes, Its always different for people . You seem like you made your peace with it a long time ago. Its OK to feel that way. I beat myself up when my grandfather died. He was so frail and sick. he was no longer the man he was. He was intelligent and proud. To see what he became broke my heart.They operated on him , They made it worse. I was hoping he would pass away while my dear grandmother was praying for him to recover. I felt like sh!t. I still do , for her. I am glad that my grandpa is gone though, Its better for him. Chin up, there is nothing wrong with the way you feel.

 

[smkie]

Tears have something that calms us down, friends have words to let us know we are not alone. Therapists, well Thank God for their knowledge in how to guide us through and keep us whole. I am so sorry you have lost your grandmother. I hope the pain will pass quickly and the memories will grow peace in your heart. I believe that is what every grandmother would really want for her grandchild. To be remembered, and cherished, and for there to be less pain because of the passing.((((((((((((((((((((((((((((HUGS AND HUGS))))))))))))))))))

 

[gradyupmybutt]

My mom died a little over 4 years ago & I was the one who was left to take care of my father who basically drank himself into dementia. For 3 years I was the one who took care of a man I didn't like but loved (if that makes any sense). After being so close to him for 3 years he finally died. I felt nothing but relief for him & for me. All he wanted after mum died was to be with her. I actually rejoiced in his release from his lifelong misery. What I'm trying to say is that, to me, my father died a long time ago & all I was doing was watching him exist.
Be patient with yourself. You may have mourned her years ago. I know I spent many years mourning my father and he was still alive.

((HUGS))

 

[squirtsmom]

Be nice to yourself Xerxes, and I am sorry for your loss.

 

[Xerxes]

My mom died a little over 4 years ago & I was the one who was left to take care of my father who basically drank himself into dementia. For 3 years I was the one who took care of a man I didn't like but loved (if that makes any sense). After being so close to him for 3 years he finally died. I felt nothing but relief for him & for me. All he wanted after mum died was to be with her. I actually rejoiced in his release from his lifelong misery. What I'm trying to say is that, to me, my father died a long time ago & all I was doing was watching him exist.
Be patient with yourself. You may have mourned her years ago. I know I spent many years mourning my father and he was still alive.

((HUGS))

Annie...wow. Your strength is amazing. I don't know if I could have done that. What a wonderful person you are. I'm sorry that you endured that situation. Thank you for sharing.