Mother Guilt

[Elleoz]

I have a situation that I am not sure what to do about.

My children have been at a home daycare since they were newborns. They love Ms. T and she seems to genuinely care for my kids as well. However, we fall victim to the usual home day care dilemma...She is closed on ALL holidays plus a few more days. In addition, she also closes a week in the summer and a week at Christmas. We don't have to pay when she is closed for a full week, but all the days here and there are paid and are becoming all the more frequent. She posted just this morning that she will be closed February 22nd for a medical procedure. In addition, because she is a home daycare she doesn't teach. So other than socialization (which I know is important) my children receive no educational benefit.

I was debating sending my oldest, Drama Queen who just turned 4, to preschool. However, I was told this morning that the rates are the same even if she only comes part time. I was told that the new comers are paying more than we are, and most day cares now charge almost $200 a week. While this is certainly true, the other daycares also claim it on their taxes which means that I can as well. No such luck when you pay in cash, but that has its advantages too. At this time there isn't an all day 4K in our District. There might be one in the Fall, but they don't know yet (which it a topis for a WHOLE other post-how can you NOT know what you are going to be doing in a few short months when registration is in March?) Ms. T asked me today to make a decision as far as preschool goes because there are other people waiting on a spot. :sigh:

I have been on the phone calling upteen day care centers and I am now emotionally distraught. I really can't afford it. There is no way I can afford $100+ more a week than what I am paying now. There are a few that are within our price range, but they don't have the best reputations. I have a call into DSS to find out exactly what complaints they have recieved over the last several years and I think I am going to visit one this afternoon. But herein lies my dilemma. My kids aren't babies anymore, so I don't worry as much about them as I did when they couldn't speak up for themselves, but I still worry. As much as I know that Ms. T takes good care of my kids, I am sure that there are things that go on when no parents are around that might make my head spin. No child care facility is perfect and I am realistic in that expectation. There is one that has immediate openings that is mere minutes from my work. But it doesn't get rave reviews from most of the people I have spoken to about it. It is run by a local church. More than one has claimed that it is dirty. That one I guess I will have to see for myself. The other option is another church run facility. The only problem is that they only have openings for DQ right now. That and I have to pack their lunches everyday. Which I guess isn't that big of a deal really. Do I go ahead and get DQ in the program and then wait for an opening for WM or get on the waiting list and hope that something opens up soon? Ugh! What to do?

It is a heart-wrenching decision for me. I am terrified that I am going to make the wrong decision. What if I pull them out of Ms. T's and later find out that the place I chose was deplorable? Can I trudge through and deal with the current situation for the next 2.5 years? I just want whats best for my babies and I don't want to put them in any situation that could be potentially harmful.

Why can't this be easy?

 

[bubbatd]

Have you carefully weighed what it costs you to work vs your salary ???

 

[Buddy'sParents]

Have you actually observed these places yourself? What may be a bad experience for one, may be the best for another.

Just offering another perspective on this... As far as being "taught" I'm not sure what you expect of preschool.My three and four year olds don't sit down at a desk for hours on end doing RRR lessons. Granted, I don't know what your children are doing at Ms. T's, but if they are given ample opportunity to explore, create and construct their database, I wouldn't be too hard on Ms. T as there is an educational benefit where you least expect it.

If Ms. T is doing this all on her own, she may have to take a day or so every now and then for something like a surgery. She's allowed breaks as well.. a week during Christmas and summer sounds realistic and not at all unreasonable. Surely you don't want your children attending preschool 365 days/year.. minus weekends (and I'm too lazy to do the math)... what's wrong with taking your vacation during those same weeks to spend one-on-one time with your children?

As far as finding a new place.. I suggest observing them while kids are there so that you can see what goes on. Any credible childcare facility would be more than happy to accomodate that. Best of luck.

 

[sparks19]

I think I am missing something here....

Why do you want to get rid of Mrs. T?

The kids enjoy it and even though she charges you for days she doesn't work it is still cheaper than regular day care.... if I read your post correctly. Is it just the educational thing? What kind of education do they need that you can't provide at home in the evenings? and playing is the BEST way for kids to learn... especially playign with other children.

Day care is a tough decision these days... you never really know whats going on. Some have live webcams so the parents can peek in on their kids while at work. Waiting lists are long too....

A friend of ours was just given an ultimatum from her work... they had a verbal agreement that after she had her baby she was going to stay at home for a year and work from home... after only two months they are now telling her that she has to be back at work by March 1st or she can't keep her job... AND they will label her as quitting so she can't even collect unemployment while they figure out what else they can do...

march 1st is only a month away and she has called many different day cares in the area and they all have waiting lists. So what is she to do? they won't let her bring the baby to work... they can't afford for her not to work at all.... and she can't get her into daycare... and they won't officially fire her... she will be labelled as quitting just so they don't have to pay any money towards her unemployment.

it's a really tough place to be.

 

[HoundedByHounds]

I feel your pain. I could not send my son to the daycare/preschool thing even a few hours a day because I worry. Freaks abound quite honestly...

I am not in your position because I am home with them...but that in a way makes separation even harder...

I am sorry you are feeling so stressed...parenting isn't easy at the beginning, or the middle..and it never ends so..I feel your pain!

 

[cinnamon]

My kids were at a home day care until they started kindergarten. My sitter took a whole month off in the summer--she deserved vacation. My husband and I just took turns taking our vacation and had a student for the other few days.

Was it a structured, learning place? No. But she loved babysitting kids and I trusted her. They weren't sent home everytime they had a runny nose or cough.

Now I only worked part time for years, so on other days, we'd go to the library once in a while, visiting my friends who had kids.

I don't think my two suffered because they weren't in daycare and learning colours, etc.

It was much more important that they were happy to go to the sitters.

 

[Elleoz]

Thank you for all the advice and kind words. It is nice to get different perspectives. DH and I visited the center yesterday and made a decision to move them. IThey both start February 11th and in the long run I think it will be the best for everyone. They are going to start seriously working on potty training my son when he starts which to me is great since I am getting no where right now. I wish that staying home was an option, but we have way too much debt for me to ever stay home.

Please don't think that I am taking away from the fact the Ms. T needs time off. I understand that she totally deserves it. My problem wasn't as much the two weeks off as it was the days that are in addition to the holidays. (Example: Good Friday and Easter Monday, two days for July 4th, New Year's Eve and New Year's Day, etc). I don't expect anyone to care for my kids on the days that I am off of work on holiday or to never take a vacation. We usually take our vacations when Ms. T takes hers. This year is the first year that it seems to be in excess. Over half of the holidays, she is taking an additional day and still charging us for the enitre week. So in total, I either have to switch days and work every holiday myself or take several days off myself without pay since DH and I only get two weeks per year of vacation. IMO that it too much to ask for me to pay while I have to take a day without pay and/or pay two people to keep my child. Maybe it's just me....

As far as education goes. They get little to no stimulation other than play at Ms. T. I know that if they didn't go to preschool and then started kindergarten that they would be fine. I just don't want them to be behind. In SC they honestly want them to be writing their names by the time they start school. In all honesty, I just don't have the time or patience to teach them myself as I am certainly not a teacher. They will get plenty of playtime at the new DC in addition to some classroom instruction. Once the new school year starts my DD will be in the 4K program. DD has increasingly become resistent to going to Ms. T's so I think that they stimulation will be good for her.

I'm still a little nervous, but they seem excited to be going to a new "School" and it isn't much different than where they are now as far as schedule and such. And it is only 2 minutes from my work, so I can pop in and check in on them anytime. Deep down I know that it is the right decision. We are just resisitent to change and a part of me will miss Ms. T.

 

[Buddy'sParents]

First, good luck in your "move" and I hope it does well by your children.

In all honesty, I just don't have the time or patience to teach them myself as I am certainly not a teacher.

I just wanted to touch on this...you may not be in the profession of a teacher, but you most certainly are a mother. Parents teach their children more than they probably think they do. There's this myth that people can just shove off their children to their day care, preschool, nanny or what have you and then, BAM! the kids will be educated. That's now how it works! You should be spending time with them at home... creating environments at home to learn and grow and explore. You can create fun games with them in order to get them "educated". Sing the alphabet song while washing hands or brushing teeth, read books, have art stuff available, have play dates with other kids their ages, play outdoors in nature, etc, etc.. As a parent, you should be fostering a educational atmosphere everywhere- learning just doesn't happen at "school".

 

[Elleoz]

Nikki~ you are absolutely right in that it is utimately my responsibility to teach them. DH and I try to teach them as much as possible. Both love to read and color/draw and we label everything we see when in the car, camping, etc. I just feel like someone that is trained can provide a better education than myself, even at this young of an age.

 

[Beagleluver5463]

My wife worked days, and I worked nights. Our kids have done great.

 

[sparks19]

My wife worked days, and I worked nights. Our kids have done great.

that's how my brother and his wife are too. she works 6 am to 2 pm and he works 3 pm to 11 pm. They have 4 children and never paid a cent for day care.... mostly because they couldn't afford day care lol it's so expensive.

they manage to make it work... but I always think it must be so hard only getting to see your spouse in passing moments when you are coming in and he is heading out.

 

[Buddy'sParents]

Nikki~ you are absolutely right in that it is utimately my responsibility to teach them. DH and I try to teach them as much as possible. Both love to read and color/draw and we label everything we see when in the car, camping, etc. I just feel like someone that is trained can provide a better education than myself, even at this young of an age.

I'm sorry, didn't mean to discount what you *do* do with them. I just don't like it when parents discount what they can do for their own children. Good luck!

 

[Elleoz]

Nikki~ I totally didn't take it that way at all.

 

[Beagleluver5463]

We had plenty of money for day care, but we didn't want others raising our children. I didn't really trust any one at the day care, and I am not so fond of baby sitters that aren''t family. Since they are grown with the y oungest 18, we see each other plenty, both on the day shift, and are happy we made that committment to our children when they were young.