Mean Mentor?

[LappieLover]

A friend of mine (one who is much more heavily involved in showing then I am) has a mentor that is also the breeder of their dog. This person (and I do not want to give too much information out for fear that someone will see it) is having a really hard time with the mentor.

As I'm not as involved in showing as they are, and my mentor is far away, I don't know what is "normal" behavior for a mentor who is training a newbee to showing/handling. I do all my classes at a local dog handling school, so my mentor has no involvement.

My friend gave me the following example:

The friend was at a fun match (so obviously no points to be earned) with this mentor and the friend and the friend's dog ended up taking BOB and the group in the fun match and then ended up competing for BIS.

As my friend is new to handling, they make alot of mistakes in the ring, although they do try very hard to do their best.

During BIS, the mentor followed my friend around the ring critiquing (sp?) everything she was doing wrong. My friend ended up making alot of silly mistakes due to the pressure. Meanwhile, the mentor was turning red in the face and asking "what are you doing????" while the friend was in the ring.

When the judging was done (and obviously my friend who was nearly in tears at that point didn't win) the mentor berrated my friend for stacking the dog up incorrectly and having the dog's head all over the place with jerky, nervous movements.

Although my friend acknowledges that she made mistakes, she feels that the mentor over reacted. As its all new to them, they KNOW they're not going to be perfect and the also know that people are going to point out their mistakes to them. In fact, that's what they want. However, my friend feels that this goes above and beyond constructive criticism, and their feelings have been hurt, because this is an ongoing thing with this mentor.

To be fair, my friend, though very upset, did not tell the mentor how the mentor's words and actions made my friend feel. In other words, my friend did not stand up for themself.

My friend is thinking about hanging up their hat at conformation. This has happened on several occasions with this mentor, and from what I understand, the mentor was very engaging and friendly in the beginning of their relationship when my friend was first trying to get a show puppy, but in the past few years has turned on my friend.

When I asked, my friend said that as far as they knew, they hadn't done anything to upset the mentor. That they show the dog according to what is in the contract, keep the dog up very well (best food, best vet care, best grooming supplies, dog sleeps in the bed and is treated like a child at home).

What advice would you have to give my friend? I really don't know what to say to them, because I've never been in that kind of situation before. My mentor is in another state.

My friend lives about 40 minutes from their mentor and the mentor teaches all of the dog training classes in that area, so the friend takes conformation classes from the mentor and attends the same shows that the mentor does because they are in the same area, so its not like my friend can really get away from this person.

Anyway, any advice is appreciated. I feel really bad for my friend. I just don't see any easy way out for them: either they give up showing to get away from the mentor, OR they continue putting up with the bad behavior.

~Lappie

 

[Zoom]

I'm not involved in showing in the least, but just as a general rule to teaching new things...praise and kindly showing how to fix your mistakes works a lot better than getting the person so flustered they screw up even more.

Are you SURE there's not a third option of finding another mentor? The politics of the ring can be hell from what I understand, but if this is something your friend really wants to do, I would suggest they go find a different mentor.

 

[LappieLover]

Thank you for your reply!!!!!!!


I suggested that as well, but my friend feels like that won't be a good option. Apparantly (sp?) this mentor knows everyone in the area who has this breed of dog and shows (or otherwise handles) them, so they feel like it would be REALLY hard trying to explain the situation to a new potential mentor.

Plus, she has one of this person's dogs, so this mentor has a vested interest in knowing how the dog is being handled, what shows it goes to, who is giving my friend advice, etc.

IMHO- its a very sticky situation. My friend may just have to be willing to burn a few bridges and be willing to spay/neuter this current show prospect in order to sort of start over again. I know that's going to be really hard for them, because they were really gung-ho about this whole thing.

I also told my friend that they need to be forward with this mentor. Perhaps this mentor is feeling similar to the way my friend is, and perhaps this mentor knows that they are not a good fit to teach my friend, and is just hoping that my friend will speak up and say something so that THEY don't have to be the one to admit defeat first.

Typically, if one person is feeling badly about another person, it goes both ways.

I think my friend is just worried that if a break happens that she'll have alot to loose if things don't go well, because this mentor is so "politically" connected in that breed community.

My friend is really new to the dog community where they are located and with out this mentor they really won't know anyone, so there's that aspect as well.

Maybe my friend could just forget conformation, but go with Obedience or Agility instead. I told them that agility seems like it would be more fun then conformation, anyway.

 

[Zoom]

She might also try just talking to her mentor and mentioning that while she really appreciates the time and effort the mentor is putting in, and she realizes the reason she's being so hard on her is because she wants her to do well in the ring, it's not easy for her to concentrate on what to do correctly when so many negatives are being told to her at the same time. Then finish off by saying that she really wants to do well and show the dog the best she can, but could they try a different tactic?

 

[pafla]

Your friend should have an honest talk with this men.She/he needs to stand up for herself and she is the only person who can do this.I wouldnt quit just because of someone being mean.I live in a small country in a capitol city where there is only three training clubs and only one who offers classes beyond basic obedience,so I have to take classes in this club and often find my self in situations where I dont agree on the way people handle their dogs or some trainers way of training.Their is a lot of different trainers in this club.The point being if I wont to work in this club the only way is to find a balance between working the way I wont and the way they wont me to work.So if i dont feel like leash correcting a dog for not keeping eye contact and the trainer thinks I should do this I will give my reasons why I wont do this and how it can be done different and always keep the things in polite,respectful way.Perhaps this men dont now how to teach differently,some people are like that.They simple dont have the patience to work with other people.In the end the only thing is to try to sort this out and find a way to work with this man.

 

[lizzybeth727]

I'd really hate to see your friend give up something that he/she has been so excited about for so long, just because he/she cannot figure out how to get along with one difficult person! I had a similar problem a few weeks ago: I was working with a new trainer, who has lots of experience in training dogs but very little experience in teaching people (yes, there's a huge difference!). She was telling me so many things to do at the same time that I couldn't keep up, and we both got very frustrated. I finally told her that I couldn't keep everything straight the way she was telling me to do it, and she apologized for being so difficult. Until I told her, she didn't even realize that she was so difficult. Since that point, though, she has become a much better teacher, and we get along quite well now. Not only that, but our dogs are certainly reaping the benefits, and really, that's what matters.

My advice: Think about what your dog wants, first. If he enjoys conformation, stick with it. If not, quit (and try agility, it's really addictive and MUCH more fun, in my opinion!). If you're sticking with conformation, basically you will not be successful or have fun in this situation. You will have to tell the mentor the problem, one way or another. (Of course, be tactful and polite.) If the mentor understands and is able to change, that's great! If not, he/she will understand why you will be finding a new mentor.

Let us know how it goes!

 

[LappieLover]

Well, I gave my friend the URL to this place and told her the name of the thread, so maybe she'll look at it. I hope so.

She may have gotten herself in a stickier situation, because she told another of the breed club members about the situation. The person she told said that her mentor often acted this way to other people. The person she spoke to also offered to help her out in regards to training, but eventually my friend will have to talk to her mentor about how she feels and what decision she's come to.

This other person also encouraged her not to give up, because they could see improvement in her and they could tell how hard she was working.

I know that whole paragraph is confusing. I just want to keep this as low key as possible, LOL!

 

[adojrts]

Imo, this person needs to gain some control. What I would do is invite the 'mentor' to dinner. I would tell them that although they have appreciated all the time, effort and skill that has gone into working with them that they (meaning the mentor and the mentee) need to sort out some issues.
The other thing your friend should do is have someone video (on the sly would be be nice) how the mentor is behaving with your friend. Then show her the video and ask her if she would like to be treated that way?
If this mentor is like this, I would be willing she has a rep. for it and finding another kinder mentor probably isn't has hard as you would think.
Sometimes a simple question of 'Why are you treating me this way' can make one take a close look at the why's. If they don't, find someone else asap.

 

[smkie]

sounds like they are not a good match. I would think there would be someone else that could mentor.