Long Distance Relationships

Discussion in 'The Fire Hydrant' started by ~Tucker&Me~, Nov 29, 2011.

  1. ~Tucker&Me~

    ~Tucker&Me~ and Spy.

    Joined:
    Dec 29, 2005
    Messages:
    4,940
    Likes Received:
    0
    Trophy Points:
    0
    Occupation:
    2 Dog, 1 cat, 2 lovebirds, fish galore
    Location:
    B.C.
    Well, what are your opinions? Doable or not?

    I was in one for about 9 months while I was away at uni. It was horrible and stressful and one of the worst experiences ever... We fought constantly towards the end, and I am really surprised we made it through, tbh. We had been dating about 2 years when I left for uni. It took a few months to patch up the hurt feelings, but things are back to being good again and I moved to a much closer university where I can see him all the time. The stress and anxiety are gone, thank god.

    Anyway, he wants to be a doctor. We have now been dating for 3.5 years. Yesterday, he mentioned that when he gets his degree finished (in the next 2-3 years), he will be applying to the local med schools, ones across North America and a few in Europe, most likely. This hit me a lot harder than I thought it would.

    Ever since he told me, I have been feeling some anxiety about it, and a lot of crappy mixed feelings. At the same time that I want him to pursue what he wants to do in school, I can't help but feel a little betrayed and put on the back-burner, so to speak. There is a bit of resentment in that I moved schools to save our relationship (so to speak) and yet in 2 years, he will be happy to travel all over the world for 4 more years of education. When I acted somewhat dismayed, he said I could always go with him after a while... But I am super close to my family and am not sure I would want to live in Europe, the US, or even across Canada. On top of that, as a graduate student I know for a fact money would be tight and going somewhere far would likely be out of the budget.

    I also can't help but wonder if, after hearing that he is rather willing to go far, staying in the relationship is a good idea... It sounds drastic I know, but if I am already upset about it after dating for 3.5 years, than what would it be like after dating 5.5-6.5 years? I mean, I am hoping to be married in my late 20's :confused: I feel like it would hurt even more, and that I would have wasted a ton of time on a relationship that would be bound to end. Oh and I am not saying this is necessarily THE guy lol, just the one I have been dating for quite a while and still really, really like. I had NO intentions of breaking up with him and was not questioning the relationship until this point.

    And call me a pessimist, but long distance for upwards of a year just wouldn't work, nevermind 4 years. I can't do Christmas and a month in summer visitations only - I just know I can't :( Props to all that can, I'm just not one of them.

    I feel like a selfish, bad person. I don't even know if I want answers... Maybe I just needed to admit these feelings to someone and Chaz was a good outlet? lol
     
  2. AliciaD

    AliciaD On second thought...

    Joined:
    May 15, 2011
    Messages:
    1,560
    Likes Received:
    0
    Trophy Points:
    36
    Occupation:
    2 dogs, 2 cats, a rabbit, and hermit crabs.
    It works for me. I'd rather be in a long distance than with a clinger. I don't want to see my lover every goddamn day.

    But it depends on the people. Ask someone on a good, honest day whether they could make a long distance relationship work, or if it would be torture. Hypothetically. Few people are honest when real relationships are at stake.
     
  3. Renee750il

    Renee750il Felurian

    Joined:
    Dec 20, 2003
    Messages:
    94,266
    Likes Received:
    0
    Trophy Points:
    36
    Occupation:
    3, Bimmer, GSDX (m); Kharma, Fila Brasileiro (f);
    Location:
    Where the selas blooms
    Home Page:
    Go back and read your post again.

    It kinda sounds like you've made up your mind . . .
     
  4. PlottMom

    PlottMom The Littlest Hound

    Joined:
    Oct 13, 2009
    Messages:
    2,835
    Likes Received:
    0
    Trophy Points:
    0
    Occupation:
    4 dogs
    Location:
    SoCal
    My LDR fell apart. I'm not saying the distance was the only problem - I like living on my own & having personal space, but like you I also can't be neglected for long periods of time. My affections start to wane :p Either way, we fought a lot, too, and in the end we hurt each other so bad I wasn't willing to keep trying. Not trying to be a pessimist either, but if you're not sure he's The One, and he's not willing to make the same kind of sacrifice you did for the relationship... looks like you have a lot of talking, and thinking, to do.
     
  5. JessLough

    JessLough Love My Mutt

    Joined:
    May 16, 2009
    Messages:
    13,402
    Likes Received:
    2
    Trophy Points:
    38
    Gender:
    Female
    Occupation:
    Kennel Manager
    Location:
    Guelph, Ontario
    This.


    I seriously couldn't do the whole long-distance thing. Kudos to those that can :rofl1:
     
  6. Fran101

    Fran101 Resident fainting goat

    Joined:
    Oct 12, 2008
    Messages:
    12,546
    Likes Received:
    0
    Trophy Points:
    36
    Location:
    Boston
    Long distance with a future of being together in the near future? Do-able.

    but I am a strong believer in the fact that there needs to be a light at the end of the tunnel. there needs to be a "Ok I'm going to finish this, and you finish that, and then in a year we will be together here. "
    1 year. that is my personal line in the sand. I could not do it for more than that
    and from the sounds of it.. you are a lot like me in that sense.

    I don't believe that long distance can really work as a permanent thing or long-term. As in "let's just do this and this is how our relationship is going to be"
    I see it as something that an already strong couple can withstand in between times of being together in the same place.
    not a lifestyle or a way of life relationship wise.

    Physical closeness and all that.. It may be just the cherry on top of being in a relationship
    but it's a **** IMPORTANT cherry.
    This cherry is like, the cherry that holds it all together lol

    I'm sorry but somebody telling you "baby everything is going to be alright" and "I love you" via skype IS NOT the same and never will be the same as somebody comforting and loving you face to face.
    It's not just about sex. People can go for LONG TIMES without sex (as much as we hate to admit it)

    but people (general "people" here, or people like me) crave physical closeness.
    A hug, somebody to have lunch with, somebody to be there when you get home, somebody to hold your hand, somebody to watch movies with, cuddle with at night, take care of you when you are sick, wake you up when you are having a bad dream...

    it's those little physical comforting things, things that we take for granted A LOT of the times, that add up to big things.

    It's those things that are missing in long distance relationships, its what makes them so hard.

    Vibrators, phone sex, there are options to scratch that itch.
    but there is nothing that can make sleeping in bed alone without the person you love comfortable.
    and 10000000 hours on skype may never replace the simple comfort of the "it's going to be alright" hug.

    Long distance relationships have been made easier with technology. That's for sure. Phones, skype, text messages..
    but even then, sometimes, in most couples.. things just fall apart.
    The "I miss you so much" are spoken less or become redundant, the phone calls less frequent (or so frequent that one of you gets annoyed), the topics less interesting, the visits feel longer apart, things feel hopeless. What is the POINT of saying I miss you or that I want to see you, it doesn't help.

    and worst of all, all the pent up "I MISS YOU" sometimes makes itself known in not so friendly ways. Like suspicion, annoyance, anger, rage, paranoia, neediness, clingyness..
    and at the root of it is simply human nature, seeking reassurance.
    The reassurance that would be found in a kiss goodnight, in seeing eachother every day, having sex etc.. is missing. So instead, people tend to seek reassurance in other not so great ways.

    "I MISS YOU!, I KNOW! I JUST.. DO YOU MISS ME?! ARE YOU SEEING SOMEBODY!? WHY DIDN'T YOU PICK UP? WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO TALK? YOU ARE ALWAYS TIRED! BUT I MISS YOU! THIS ISN'T WORKING! I WANT YOU HERE! BUT WHERE WERE YOU? WHERE ARE YOU GOING! WITH WHO? WHEN ARE YOU GOING TO BE BACK?! TELL ME! TALK TO ME! WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO TALK?!"
    ..we've all probably heard something along these lines before.

    I am NOT saying long distance isn't impossible.
    I mean, this is fran talking. true Love can overcome ANY obstacle.
    With your soul mate, with a STRONG COUPLE with a STRONG STRUCTURE and base.
    I know it can work.

    but any less than true love at its purest, with a goal in mind of one day being together.. I just don't believe it can work.

    BUT If you can make it through that. Make it through the lonely nights, trust somebody who is 10582 miles away, deal with missing them..

    I believe that a relationship that can last through that is truly beautiful and a pretty priceless thing.
    Physical stuff does put a band-aid on some problems. People use sex and being close to somebody to cover up issues..
    but long distance, it's all in the open.

    WHO you both are on the inside is the ONLY thing that makes these relationships work. and that is what kind of makes them amazing in that sense.
    If you can be comforted by words spoken, trust without seeing, love without touch and just LOVE without constant physical reassurance, and get to know somebody in and out without being blinded by physical stuff..

    Your relationship can come out of that long distance relationship tunnel stronger and more beautiful than it ever was.


    My 2 cents.
     
    Last edited: Nov 29, 2011
  7. Fran101

    Fran101 Resident fainting goat

    Joined:
    Oct 12, 2008
    Messages:
    12,546
    Likes Received:
    0
    Trophy Points:
    36
    Location:
    Boston
    I promise guys, one day I will make a post that isn't a frikin novel lol

    I swear lol
     
  8. k9krazee

    k9krazee Active Member

    Joined:
    May 29, 2006
    Messages:
    2,423
    Likes Received:
    0
    Trophy Points:
    36
    Location:
    Michigan, USA
    I definitely think long distance relationships need an end-point or as Fran said, a light at the end of the tunnel. You could always relocate with him while he does his four years and then plan on moving back together where your family is at. If there's a will, there's a way. Somebody has to be willing to sacrifice (which is not easy).

    I've been with R for 4 years now. We lived together for the first 2 years and have now been living apart (2-4 hours) for the last year and a half. IT SUCKS. I hate it and never wanted a LDR ever. If I'm going to be committed to somebody, I'd like to come home to them at night, eat dinner together, go for a walk holding hands, etc.

    It was supposed to be one year. Then I found an awesome job in my field, he found an awesome job in his and they just happen to be 2 hours apart. I can't commute more than 20 minutes to my work since I'm on call most days, and he obviously can't commute 1.5/2 hours every day. We're at the point where there is no goal we're working towards or light at the end of the tunnel. We both worked so hard for this and neither of us are willing to give up our dream jobs to be closer to each other.

    We fight often, we get annoyed with stupid things, the skype dates are pretty much non-existent, the regularly scheduled phone calls that used to be cute are now a nuisance. Neither of us are quite willing to give up on the relationship, and I do hope that someday we can be together and start a family, but I'm not sure how long that hope can remain.

    I'm trying to live one day at a time and not focus on the future, what's happening or not happening...but it's really not as easy as it sounds. Until one of us is willing to give up our dream (or modify it) we'll remain in the same crappy situation.
     
  9. Dizzy

    Dizzy Sit! Good dog.

    Joined:
    Sep 14, 2005
    Messages:
    17,761
    Likes Received:
    1
    Trophy Points:
    36
    Occupation:
    Not enough.
    Location:
    Wales
    It really depends on the people in the relationship and if you are working towards the same goals. If not, no relationship will work, no matter what the distance.
     
  10. Kat09Tails

    Kat09Tails *Now with Snark*

    Joined:
    Jun 10, 2010
    Messages:
    3,452
    Likes Received:
    0
    Trophy Points:
    0
    Occupation:
    6 + finches
    Location:
    Upper Left hand corner, USA
    My parents have been in a long distance relationship more than half of their marriage. It's totally doable with dedication and a decent phone plan.
     
  11. Beanie

    Beanie Clicker Cult Coordinator

    Joined:
    May 17, 2006
    Messages:
    14,011
    Likes Received:
    0
    Trophy Points:
    36
    Gender:
    Female
    Location:
    Illinois
    Home Page:
    This.

    I have done long distance relationships a few times. The first time was horrible but it was very long distance. The second time started off okay but that was because we could still see each other frequently. But as time went on, we each got more busy, and we saw each other less frequently, it got worse.
    I am not a clingy person. I like my space, time to myself, and time to pursue my own interests. But not being able to see each other, not being able to look into their eyes, not being able to put your hands on them... not knowing when the next time you'll be able to see each other and do all those things... it puts a unique strain on people and on the relationship.
    And like Fran said, I'm not talking about sex. I wanted to hold his hand. I wanted to kiss him good night. I wanted to actually see him face to face.

    It was real, physical pain sometimes. Which sounds stupid, to say it was physically painful not being able to just hold my boyfriend's hand. But it's the truth.



    BUT... in the end, the reason our relationship ended was because we weren't going the same direction in our lives. I loved him very much... I wanted to marry him. But our goals were not the same. And it didn't make sense to stay together when it ultimately wasn't going to work out, no matter how much we loved each other. It would just hurt even more later, and we would both be wasting our time... and emotions.
    So I ended it.


    I've been exactly where you are, and I'm not telling you that you should or shouldn't end it. But the question you need to be asking yourself is not so much "do I really like this guy??" but "is there really a future here? one I am happy with?"
     
  12. skittledoo

    skittledoo Crazy naked dog lady

    Joined:
    Sep 27, 2007
    Messages:
    13,667
    Likes Received:
    5
    Trophy Points:
    38
    Gender:
    Female
    Occupation:
    Dog Trainer CPDT-KA
    Location:
    Fredericksburg
    I've done the LDR thing with Josh twice and this is my experience.

    When we first started dating officially we were LD. I had just moved from VA to NM and he was still in VA. Being LD had it's difficulties, but since we were in that puppy love stage we never ran out of things to talk about. We had phone dates just about every night and we could talk endless hours. During the day we would occasionally text little things back and forth.

    He decided to make a sacrifice and move to NM to be with me after 5 months of our LDR. We moved in together and later we were married.

    Fast forward to our decision to move back to VA together. We moved to GA temporarily to my mom's house to save some money for our move back to VA. Josh wasn't having much luck getting a job in GA and was offered a job in VA so he left without me with the promise to return for me once we found a place to live out there. The light at the tunnel was faint. We had agreed on him being gone no longer than a month. A month went by... And then another month... And another. There was no gaurantee of when exactly I would see him next and that bothered me tremendously and in all honesty I considered leaving him over it a few times. I held on because I wanted it to work, but it was a miserable time for me and he couldn't understand why I was so miserable.

    This is just my experience with LDR's. I think they can work depending on the people, the timeframe away from each other and the commitment. I don't think they are for everyone though and personally I'm not sure I could do it again.
     
  13. zoe08

    zoe08 New Member

    Joined:
    Mar 5, 2006
    Messages:
    5,160
    Likes Received:
    0
    Trophy Points:
    0
    Location:
    Texas
    Home Page:
    I think it definitely depends on the level of commitment.

    Justin and I had a LDR for 3 years when I came to college, but it was only 200 miles, and he was committed enough to drive here most weekends, and I of course went home on all holidays and breaks. We weren't really sure what was going to happen when I was done with school, he really wanted to stay in my hometown, but there wasn't much opportunity there so he ended up moving here when a job opportunity presented itself. We are now married with 2 kids.

    I think there really has to be that level of commitment and sacrifice to see each other.
     
  14. CaliTerp07

    CaliTerp07 New Member

    Joined:
    Sep 9, 2008
    Messages:
    7,652
    Likes Received:
    0
    Trophy Points:
    0
    Occupation:
    Just Miss Lucy-fur, my wondermutt!
    Location:
    Alexandria, VA
    LDR's suck. In my experience, a relationship thrives on shared experiences, and with an LDR there are too few of those to benefit the relationship.

    When Zach and I were applying to jobs senior year of college, I wanted to go back to California. It's where my family is, it's where the weather's nice, it's where the people are more relaxed. I don't fit in in DC. I told Zach that I wasn't going to do long distance. I had done it with my high school boyfriend and it just sucked for all involved. I also told him I wasn't going to stay in DC unless I was staying for him--nothing else appealed to me about the area.

    I basically gave him an ultimatum. Promise me that we're headed towards marriage, or let's break up and move on with our lives in separate directions. He proposed that Christmas, I took a job in DC, and we've been married for 3.5 years now.

    Decide what is more important to you--staying in your hometown, or staying with your boyfriend. If you can get both, great! But if you have to choose, which one are you going for?
     
  15. cloudcandy

    cloudcandy Cloudcandy

    Joined:
    May 29, 2011
    Messages:
    1,086
    Likes Received:
    0
    Trophy Points:
    0
    Occupation:
    1
    Location:
    London
    Ekkkkk,really difficult situation.I feel for you.
    It must really really really suck to feel like you made your sacrifice for him earlier,and now he has brought this up? That would **** me off....but saying that it might not be a negative thing.I (think) you said that when you moved back to be with him it was earlier on in the relationship maybe now that your relationship has changed and grown with time,maybe he feel's it is in a better place to handle this sort of change?(I'm not sure if that's making sense)

    Sounds like you really need to think some more and have a really honest conversation with each other.Tell him exactly how you feel and get answers,you have nothing to loose.

    I'm (very nearly) 6 year's into a relationship,we haven't tried LD,it hasn't come up.I decided to stay around for university,can't really say if it was because of him or not but who know's?I think if something came up I would be willing maybe to move to be with him if it was in an area I was interested in and if we had a agreed timescale to try it within.He would come with me if it wasn't in England,pretty much same answer on me.

    Good luck!
     
  16. Cheza

    Cheza New Member

    Joined:
    Jan 30, 2007
    Messages:
    1,278
    Likes Received:
    0
    Trophy Points:
    0
    This is exactly what hub and I will potentially be doing. I'm going back to school in the spring for pre-med. Down the road I'll be applying to schools all over the country. He has a job where we are now, we own a house, 3 huge dogs... it doesn't make sense for him to leave all that while I go spend 80hr weeks at school and in a hospital, so I'll be going alone if I don't get into my state school.

    We started out LD too when I was still in Canada, and it could be hard but we used webcam chat a lot, talked on the phone a lot, etc. We were working toward my visa too so we already knew where things were going (marriage).

    It works if you want to make it work... is really what it comes down to. Granted we've now been married 5 years and have a pretty strong foundation, but it's like someone else said. We have a shared goal: get me through med school at all costs. Failure of anything isn't an option. Getting me through school secures our joint future, so it's something we aren't willing to fail at, even if it means we're hours away by plane for a few years at a time.

    It's tough, you have to set priorities... if your priority is each other, then I have no doubt you can make it work. If it isn't, then it isn't. If you're going to be angry or resent the situation, then you may already have your answer.

    Good luck!
     
  17. RedHotDobe

    RedHotDobe aka RedHotBabe

    Joined:
    Jun 5, 2004
    Messages:
    4,366
    Likes Received:
    0
    Trophy Points:
    0
    Location:
    Maryland
    I've been in two, and neither ended up working. I'm gonna steal what Beanie said, because I think it describes the first one fairly accurately.

    In the first we always had something to talk about. Communication (when it actually happened) wasn't a chore. The second was entirely different. He was controlling, jealous, and completely untrusting. He didn't want to talk just to talk, he wanted to talk so he could know what I was doing. Many conversations were extremely empty. Of course, it's easy to say this now, but I obviously didn't realize it at the time. He broke up with me twice, and I was dumb for not abandoning the relationship after the first. Instead, I quit my job and moved. I was unhappy for most of the relationship, but tried desperately to convince myself otherwise.

    The first was different. We had an amazing connection, but I couldn't deal with the constant dishonesty. Ultimately, I think dishonesty and unwillingness to be anything but dishonest is what killed my emotional connection in both relationships. Apparently guys think they're amazing liars and deceivers, when they actually suck at it, lol.

    Ending the first relationship was hard on an emotional level. Like Beanie, I decided it was best to end it now, before it turned into an all-out battle royal and we ended up hating each other. It would cause less damage to end it now rather than later. The second was hard because I didn't end it, and it meant I had to pack up and move. There was no emotion left in the relationship to speak of, but the physical change in environment was hard. I hold a bit of resentment toward the second LDR, but not so much the first. The second was just not worth it.

    Unless I found someone amazing that I had a deep connection with, I wouldn't do it again. And since I've been dating someone local for awhile now, I have no reason to consider doing it again. It's just not worth the effort.
     
  18. monkeys23

    monkeys23 New Member

    Joined:
    Feb 21, 2011
    Messages:
    1,621
    Likes Received:
    0
    Trophy Points:
    0
    Occupation:
    3 currently, counting the foster dog
    Location:
    PNW
    Ditto for me.
     
  19. ~Jessie~

    ~Jessie~ Chihuahua Power!

    Joined:
    Oct 3, 2006
    Messages:
    19,665
    Likes Received:
    0
    Trophy Points:
    0
    Occupation:
    5 Dogs
    Location:
    Central Florida
    Home Page:
    I was in a long distance relationship for 6 months and I couldn't imagine doing it for any longer than that!

    Ian and I broke up a couple of months before I went to college (he was a high school senior)... and we started dating again at the end of my first semester of college. We lived almost 3 hours apart and I went home almost every weekend to see him. We talked a lot on the phone which helped, but it's definitely no subsititute for actually being with someone.

    I'd never choose to be in a long distance relationship long term, though.
     
  20. katielou

    katielou Slave to the Aussie

    Joined:
    Apr 4, 2011
    Messages:
    1,278
    Likes Received:
    0
    Trophy Points:
    0
    Occupation:
    5
    Location:
    Washington State
    Home Page:
    18 months total LD as is we didn't see each other at all for 18 months

    England- WA.

    I worked for us because we knew it was not forever and we knew we were going to get married once we were together.

    We actually spent more time talking that we probably do now :D
    6 hours most days of video chat and a serious lack of sleep and 5 years later we are grand!

    I think it works if you are going the same place in life!
     

Share This Page