Is it normal to feel guilt?

[MyBestFriendIsADog]

Our beloved Chesapeake bay Retreiver was euthanized last year due to a terminal form of cancer. It was a horrible experience from the moment he was diagnosed, and it took us a full year to even feel like we could possibly consider another dog.

Now, we are getting a new puppy, an Irish Terrier. We specifically selected a very different breed, different gender, etc, but as we get close to picking her up the more I begin to feel what I can only describe as "guilt". I don't want to feel like we're replacing our ol' boy, or that this new dog will make us forget him, ya know?

Our retriever was only 6, and his young age made it so much harder to let go of him when the time came. I'm ashamed to admit I still have his ashes and collar in my closet because I haven't been able to take the final step and completly let go. I worry that I will expect too much of this new pup, expect her to live up to the old dog, although that would be so tough to do - he was such a wonderful and loving creature.

I'm full of self-doubt right now - I am so excited about this new puppy and yet I guess I am still mourning our other dog. I used to manage vet clinics and was the unofficial "grief counsellor", and talked so many people through the loss of their dog, but seem to have been unable to do this for myself

Is it normal to have these mixed feelings? Will having the new pup help them to go away when I begin to see her as her own little personality and not a replacement for our ol' boy?

Sigh. I'm sure I sound completely lame here, but I'm hoping someone (anyone?) might understand....and thanks for reading.

 

[yuckaduck]

I know my opinion probably means nothing to you but hey I am going to give it anyway. I do not think you sound lame, I think you sound like a good, loving person. You obviously love your doggies very much and it is normal to grieve. I think you should be happy about your new puppy, because I bet your other doggy is watching over you and hoping for you to share your love and kindness with your new pup. It would be a crime for you to not get another dog and love it the way you have loved before. Good luck!

 

[Renee750il]

What you're feeling is completely normal, especially if this is the first time you've had to say farewell to your dog. It is worse when you lose them all too soon as well.

There's no reason to feel awkward about still having your Chessie's ashes and collar. I have a memento from every single one of my creatures. It can make you feel so much better to be able to handle and touch something that is connected back to the time you had together.

Now, you won't ever forget your Chessie, no matter how many other dogs or pets you share your life with. He has a special place in your heart that is all his own and nothing will ever displace him. Your new pup will start making her own spot in your heart. She will help you forget the pain of your loss, but at the same time she will sharpen your memories and recollections of all the wonderful times and love you had before, so she won't make you forget your Chessie; on the contrary, she will make it much easier for you to remember him the way you want.

And Yuck is right. Your Chessie would never want you to be lonely. I've always believed that our friends who have passed try to send us the right companion to fill our lonely, yearning hearts.

 

[frenchboxer]

Completely normal. Just as your Chesapeake has a very special place in your hearts, and always will, so will your new Terrier. Having a new friend around wont take any of the feelings away that have been left behind by your Retriever.

 

[Athe]

For me, my heart is big enough to fit each and every one of my dogs present and past. I have lost many dogs over the years, cancer, kidney disease, old age etc. When I got a new dog, it never "replaced" my lost friend...only made a new spot in my heart. I also remember all the good times I had with my old dogs and realize that I can give a new dog a wonderful life as well.

It's hard to move on when you think of your new dog as a replacement. You can never replace a lost pet. You can only make room in your heart for a new pet and give that pet as well a wonderful life.

I still have all the urns from my lost dogs. I also kept all their leashes and collars. We also have a pet cemetary at my parents home where I can visit childhood friend pets and remember the good times we had.

I'm almost crying now, I lost 2 Newfoundland dogs 2 years ago within 1 month of each other. One to bone cancer the other to old age, enlarged heart etc. I was heart broken and still had my Rottweiler and 1 female Newf left...I clung to them. When my friend placed 2 more Newf's with me, and I found my Dobe (half starved on the side of the road). I looked at them in a new way and saw their different spirits and personalites. I still get choked up over my lost pets...but, I love my new Pets in a different and new way.

Who knows how to love better, forgive better and live and love better than a person who has loved a dog. (or horse, or cat...etc)

 

[dani12]

We had to put down our Chesapeake as well and it still makes me very sad to think about it. We have his ashes as well as we are not ready to let go of him either. But we did get two new puppies. Definately not to replace him but our kids wanted puppies of their own. We got our Chesie b/4 we had kids so he was like our first child. We thought it only fair for them to experience having their own puppy to grow up with. It did make me very sad at first but I realized that we weren't replacing him but giving love to another dog that needed it. You have all this love to give to a dog and now you can do that and don't feel guilty about it b/c you can never replace your Chesie but you can open your heart to another. Our Chesie came to me in a dream and let me know it was okay to get another puppy to love and that he would watch over us. I think you are going to be a wonderful parent to your new puppy since you care so much!

 

[showpug]

About 5 months ago I lost one of my many heart dogs to a terminal illness just after her 1st birthday. This was to date one of the most horrific and painful experiences of my life. Given that pugs are my "heart" breed I have two others at home at the time and knew I would soon add another female puppy to the household. When I brought Alice home a couple of weeks ago the pain from my other one seemed to drift away, but not in a forgetting kind of way. Alice, the new puppy seemed for some reason to help me focus on all the good times I had with Mabel, and not put so much empasis on her last painful days... Going through all the same acts with the new one, I quietly remember how I went through it all with Mabel and it really has brought back some precious memories...

You will see that with you knew puppy things will work in mysterious ways. Your other dog's spirit will live on through your interations with you new one and you will see that you can love again. And trust me, you won't go comparing a chessie to a terrier! LOL! So, stop worrying and enjoy your new puppy and you will be amazed at how much closer you feel to the one you lost

 

[MyBestFriendIsADog]

Thanks everyone!

Your kind words really do make me feel better

Losing our Chessie was awful - we got him about a year before we had our daughter and he was very much family. His cancer came as a total shock, and it was a very sad end to such a wonderful life.

I am ready for a new pup, but I know that I'll never forget our ol' boy, either. He was an incredibly special dog, ya know?

Thank you again for the reassurances!

 

[sparks19]

There is nothing wrong with still having his ashes. Perhaps when you are ready you can let the ashes go somewhere that he really enjoyed being and maybe you could get a nice little headstone made to put in your garden or somewhere nice as a nice memorial for him.

No one thinks you sound silly. I'm sure we would all be in the same boat if we were in your shoes. I think you are going to be a wonderful parent to your new puppy. You shouldn't feel guilty about having a new addition. I'm sure your chessie wouldn't want you to be lonely and I'm sure this will make him happy, knowing that you have someone to love you and protect you.

Good luck on your transition.

 

[smkie]

My Bronki died because of cancer too..he was pts the same way. I have his mother as well. This is how i feel about it..Bronki was made of love..he above all the dogs i ever owned showed compassion and a unique ability to shine his love on those around him. He would not have wanted his mother to suffer, and he would not have wanted me to be alone. Now when i see Victor washing mary's ears (exactly the same way Bronki did..and nibbling down her neck) i think i can feel Bronki's approval. Love is like a ripple in a pond..and by loving Victor..we are still showing our love for Bronki.

 

[MyBestFriendIsADog]

You are all managing to make me feel much better! We do plan to spread our dog's ashes in the forest beside our house, as then as my daughter says "he will always be there with us" when we take our frequent forest walks. It was also always his favourite place to be....

 

[smkie]

He will be with you in your heart and soul..when you touch and play with your new dog he will be happy..i have a pic to share..this is of Victor and Mary..four months after she lost her pup..(he was 7 years old but very much her baby) ..if i hadn't found him on petfinder..i truly believe i might have lost her as well....i will go find the link and come back and post
http://www.chazhound.com/pictures/showphoto.php?photo=3803&cat=500&ppuser=2623
he healed us both from the pain and allowed us to remember the good by reminding us every day that Bronki was a glorious part of our lives.

 

[KatzDoggiez]

I believe that everything happens for a reason. All of the dogs that I have had that had passed away always opened up the door for another friend to come in. My dog Koda, that I have now, I never would have ever gotten if my pup Chuka hadn't been hit by a car. Although it was a horrible situation, I worked at the shelter and had bonded with Koda (named Sky then) because I knew that he didn't have much time there I got Koda only 2 weeks after Chuka was killed. Not as a replacement by any means but he did help me get through her death. Koda is my pride and joy and I know that we would not have gotten him if we still had Chuka. And Chuka was my baby, I absolutely loved that dog to death but I know it was meant to be so that I could have Koda.
I have a dog now that we are having put to sleep in a couple weeks, it is absolutely devastating to me, we have only had her for six months but she has got a rare genetic disorder that unfortunately is terminal and I can't stand to see her in pain any longer. I am not sure why this is happening to her but I have this strong feeling that it is meant to be. We cannot have more then two dogs at our place and so, it may be that another dog needs our love. I am not sure?
I think you are meant to have this puppy and I think that you will do fine and you will grow as fondly of her as you did of your boy. And then when her time comes, you will be in this same scenario, because you are human and compassionate. That is a great quality. Anything that you love as much a friend is never to be replaced, only remembered. And if you are like me at all, you will take all the things that you have learned from your other dog and remember it with your new one.

 

[RD]

after Shiner (Who was a wonderful, once-in-a-lifetime dog) passed away, I was absolutely heartbroken, and severely depressed... Getting Dakota didn't make me forget Shiner. Instead, I was able to take my mind off of the pain of losing her, and focus on the bouncing baby boy I had with me. Although the two are extremely different, they share many similarities...

Every single one of my dogs will have a special place in my heart. They can never be replaced.

 

[SandraC]

Everyone before me has said it all. Nearly everyone who has been in your situation feels the same way, you are not alone. I still have my dogs collar and it's 13 years on.
Enjoy your puppy, I wish you well.

 

[MyBestFriendIsADog]

I just wanted to say thank you for all the kind words and responses. I am very much looking forward to our new puppy, but still very much miss our other dog, ya know? He was so much a part of our family...I guess we'll always miss him. Thanks again!