I don't know you well enough to know if you're just joking/venting or not, so if you are please ignore me... but it kind of bothers me that you keep saying stuff like "he's not smart enough not to pee on the couch" or "how ridiculously stupid he is" for peeing where he pees.
He either pees where he's learned to pee or he can't physically hold urine. Has he ever been worked up for a medical problem that might cause difficulty holding his urine, like ectopic ureters? It might have nothing to do with training at all. And if your frustration and "ridiculously stupid" feelings are coming through in your training, it could be creating a lot of anxiety for him surrounding elimination that only adds to the problem.
In any case, a smart dog doesn't inherently know the couch isn't for peeing on anymore than a dumb dog does. You're the one with the big smart wrinkly brain, now it's your job to teach him to pee somewhere else. Yes, lockdown sucks and it's inconvenient. But in the absence of a medical or anxiety-based explanation, it's just what has to be done.
He either pees where he's learned to pee or he can't physically hold urine. Has he ever been worked up for a medical problem that might cause difficulty holding his urine, like ectopic ureters? It might have nothing to do with training at all. And if your frustration and "ridiculously stupid" feelings are coming through in your training, it could be creating a lot of anxiety for him surrounding elimination that only adds to the problem.
In any case, a smart dog doesn't inherently know the couch isn't for peeing on anymore than a dumb dog does. You're the one with the big smart wrinkly brain, now it's your job to teach him to pee somewhere else. Yes, lockdown sucks and it's inconvenient. But in the absence of a medical or anxiety-based explanation, it's just what has to be done.