I'm stunned...I'm angry...I'm on the verge of a mental breakdown

Discussion in 'The Fire Hydrant' started by Miakoda, Jun 11, 2012.

  1. Miakoda

    Miakoda New Member

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    I've been sitting here typing what I want to say, only to find myself deleting it. I don't even know how to express what emotions are rolling through my body right now.

    Not a day goes by that I don't think of a certain night in my life from back in 1999. That night, I was raped. What made it worse, if you could say such a thing, was that this was a guy I knew. He was a guy we all knew. When I say "we", I mean all the athletes at my university. I was a soccer player. He was a baseball player.

    In a single night, my virginity was stolen from me, and from then on, not a day goes by that the effects of that incident don't shine through in some form. I've tried to bury it. I've tried to move on. But it shaped me to be the person I am today, and not in a good way (let's just say that it's surprising I even have 3 children since I hate sex).

    The following days, weeks, months, and years of my life have been, and are, forever tainted. There's no such thing as "taking yourself back" or "reclaiming yourself". Not for me anyway.

    Anyway, I heard "his" name mentioned for the first time in many, many years. And it is what I heard that has me so confused and angry and frustrated and hurt.........

    This a-hole is a Sheriff's Deputy in his hometown. He's a hero. He's the intelligent man that was academically successful in highschool and college. He's the former athlete that excelled in highschool and college. He's the man applauded for major drug raids and protecting the people. And yet.....and yet he's the man that makes me want to go curl up in a ball in the dark corner of a closet and wish the world would go away. He's the man that robbed me of a normal life of intimacy. He's the man that killed a part of my heart and soul, and did nothing but smile at me in passing in the unfortuante times we had to cross paths. He's the man that parents want their daughters protected from. And he's wearing a f*cking badge.
     
  2. Miakoda

    Miakoda New Member

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    I only feel like I can post this here because I know I am not the only person to have suffered such a violation. Yes, I'm baring my private life on here. But the lack of justice pisses me off. The unfairness brings me to my knees in anguish. It's got to change. Something has got to change.

    ETA:

    I want to expand, as I know people are going to want to know.

    I did go to the hospital very early the next morning. Unfortunately, I was a mental mess, and I had first gone to my dorm and showered....my only thought was to scrub every last bit of that night away. But because of an issue, I went to the ER.

    I wouldn't wish a rape examination upon anyone. You're in a room not just with a doctor and nurse, but with a police officer as well. You're treated like a mere object. It's beyond humiliating.

    Not only did I have physical evidence, but I still had a faint positive of GHB in my blood (it passes through so quick, the doc was in shock that it showed up).

    And yet I had to listen to two officers tell me to think long and hard before I move forward. I was told that I would come under scrutiny-that every single thing I did and say would be brought out in court. I would have my own character made out to be that of a trashy *****. In all, I was basically persuaded to never bring it up or talk about it, much less press charges. At the time, all I wanted to do was hide away. So no, no charges were ever pressed. The thought of me being publically degraded and humiliated in court through lies, and the thought of my parents being put through the ordeal, made the decision to just pretend it never happened seem like the only choice I had.
     
  3. poodlesmom

    poodlesmom New Member

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    ((((hugs)))))
     
  4. Romy

    Romy Taxiderpy

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    I wish every rapist had that word, rapist, indelibly marked on their foreheads forever.

    ((((hugs))))

    It's horrifying. And I don't know the answer. It makes me wonder how many other girls he's wounded.
     
  5. Danefied

    Danefied New Member

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    Oh how awful!! I’m so sorry...

    Did you ever get counseling after the rape?
    If you didn’t, would you consider it?
    If you did, have you considered going back for a bit? Now that things are resurfacing for you?
     
  6. Toller_08

    Toller_08 Active Member

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    :( I wish there was something I could say. I am so, so sorry. That is just awful. (((hugs)))
     
  7. Beanie

    Beanie Clicker Cult Coordinator

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    Wow. I don't even know what to say... just... wow...

    (((((HUGE HUGS)))))
     
  8. Greenmagick

    Greenmagick New Member

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    Nothing to offer but (((hugs))).
     
  9. Miakoda

    Miakoda New Member

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    No, I didn't. I've wanted to, but then I just bottle it back up and push it back down deep inside. Heck, it's been almost 15 years, and I suppose you could say that I'm still as screwed up now as I was then.

    I would like to, but there's so much more to the story. And I wouldn't even know how to find a counselor, much less what I would say. The only person, besides you anonymous internet folk, that knows about it is my then ex-boyfriend (we had broken up about 9 months prior).
     
  10. AdrianneIsabel

    AdrianneIsabel Glutton for Crazy

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    I really think counseling would help...

    I'm so sorry.
     
  11. Miakoda

    Miakoda New Member

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    Me too.

    There's no answer now. I avoid all athlete alumni things at my university, and I try to not think his name. But I wonder, with the way things happen, if I was not indeed the only girl to suffer at his hands. And now he's a cop.
     
  12. iwantmypup

    iwantmypup New Member

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    Oh Mia. Ugh ugh ugh.
    I am so sorry. (((((((((((((HUGS)))))))))))))
     
  13. Danefied

    Danefied New Member

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    Do a therapist search in your area. You call and say you need to set up an appointment. Once in the appointment you don’t have to talk about the rape if you don’t want to. You can say you were raped, and go from there, or you can simply start with something easier to talk about but that’s still an issue.

    It would be a gift to do this for yourself.
     
  14. Saeleofu

    Saeleofu Active Member

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    {{{{{{hugs}}}}}}
     
  15. Renee750il

    Renee750il Felurian

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    (((((((HUGS)))))))

    Sadly, guys like that (and some women) are often drawn to careers where they have authority and power over others. I've known cops who were vicious wife and child beaters. I'm sure I've met a few who were rapists. I know I've been around some that I would classify as rapists, although *technically* they aren't -- but have used their position to bully and/or extort sexual favors.

    No one, especially yourself, should blame you or second guess you for not pressing charges.

    From what you've described, it sounds like you were being "good ol' boyed" by a community of people who didn't want to see things stirred up, especially for the guy jock. You probably made the right decision for your own sanity. Rape trials, especially when the accused is someone like that, are ugly -- for the victim. Beyond ugly. Honestly, I doubt very seriously I would report it if I were raped.

    Try calling a rape crisis line. They should be able to direct you to a choice of counselors, and just making that initial call might help some too.

    ((((((((MOREHUGS)))))))))

    And yah, the world is full of assjerks and short on justice. Really short.

    You have every right to be angry, X10000.
     
  16. Barbara!

    Barbara! New Member

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    I would try therapy. It really can help.
     
  17. HayleyMarie

    HayleyMarie Like a bat outa' hell

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    Im so sorry, I have no words only support. I just can't imagine. ((((((HUGGIeS)))))
     
  18. LauraLeigh

    LauraLeigh New Member

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    I am so sorry, I was talked into not prosecuting.... It was years later before I even admitted to it... I was very young when it happened, and told my Mom but she didn't believe me (family friend)

    I have regretted it at times and worry he's done it to others and no one is the wiser... He is "clean" criminally.... But I am not sure I could have handled what it would have involved...

    Therapy was extremely helpful...

    As was a support group I went to, these days there may even be forums where you can be very, truly, anonymous...

    ((((((( HUGS ))))))))
     
  19. AllieMackie

    AllieMackie Wookie Collie

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    Echoing everyone else. I don't feel comfortable disclosing much, but I've been in a similar situation as you, and I would be in the same boat. I echo counselling; it can't hurt to get it on the table with someone unbiased who can help you work everything out. It helped me more than I ever thought it would.

    Huge hugs and support from a fellow victim. Please PM me if you feel like talking to someone. <3
     
  20. thehoundgirl

    thehoundgirl Active Member

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    (((hugs)))
     

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