I'm just so tired of all the crap

[tessa_s212]

I never got a call back, so I called them back. Apparently my mom did get a mental evaluation done, but that is all the more they can tell me (can't release medical record information to me).

I don't know if she's home.. don't know if they put her on meds. I don't know anything at all.. and I don't know how to feel. Yesterday she was on the computer (left a facebook message on someone's wall)... so, either they didn't take her in until tonight, or took her in the other night and have already released her.

I've already sent my letter to her, explaining to her that I love her, but that I can't let her see Mason until she accepts professional help and medication for her illness.

Still wanting to send a letter to my dad.. telling him how he failed as a father, and failed as a husband to my mom too.

After I made the call, I felt good. But now.. I guess I just don't like not knowing what happened or is happening. I know I've done all that I can, and it is time to let go.. It is just hard to do that.

I guess the reality is really setting in.. that I lost my mom. She was screwed up, but I at least had a mom. And now I don't. And now I'm mourning that loss. How does someone recover from something like this? When does it stop hurting?

 

[JennSLK]

My mom "lost" her mom. She wasnt a good mother either. You morn and eventually realize that you dont want that in your life anymore.

It will get better. I promise

 

[M&M's Mommy]

((hugs)).

Tessa.. you have carried too much on your shoulders. You should take a little breather and try to relax. I know it sounds impossible, but try to think about possitive things.. like handsome little Mason , and let your mind & body rest a while.

I know you're worried & hurt about your mom & eager for her to get help & be better - but at some point, you'd have to let go of your anguish. It seems to me like you've done everything you possibly can to help her.. now you have to focus on staying strong, as fighting mental illness is a long term shot, and I'm sure she'll need your continue supports for a long time.

You can't support others when you're not being well yourself, so, you must take care of yourself first..

 

[Crowsfeet]

Things will improve.

Coming from a person who cut some ties.
Feel free to PM me.

 

[Beanie]

Still wanting to send a letter to my dad.. telling him how he failed as a father, and failed as a husband to my mom too.

Here's what I would do... write the letter... then rip it up and throw it away. Get everything out. Put it down. But don't have to send it to him.
All that will do is hurt him, and hurting him won't make you feel any better. It won't help you or him or your mom.
But I do HIGHLY recommend getting all of your emotions out and down somewhere. I am the world's biggest fan of The E-mail I Never Send... I write everything I want to say to people and then close the e-mail without ever sending it. It's catharsis and that is all I need.

As for your mom, Mason is your child and it's absolutely your job to protect him from her until she is mentally well. If she's putting knives in the walls, yeah... she cannot and will not see your child until she is better. There is NOTHING wrong with drawing that line so don't let anybody make you feel there is. Stick to your guns. I hope your mom is going to get the help she needs.

 

[tessa_s212]

I do want to actually send the letter to my dad. He needs to hear it. We've never ever told him how we feel. He needs to know what he did(n't) do was wrong. I don't care if I never talk to him again truly, at least I won't shed tears about it - not anymore- but he needs to know about how I used to cry, and how I used to feel like I wasn't good for anyone to love because he never did.. it isn't about hurting him, but opening his eyes to everything he did and didn't do that hurt al of his children so badly growing up. The end of the letter just basically says that I have a very forgiving heart, BUT whether or not we ever speak again is in HIS hands. I won't be seeking any further contact, but if he wanted a relationship ever again, he needed to do something to fix it.

 

[ACooper]

How does someone recover from something like this? When does it stop hurting?

By getting your own professional help to work through it, and even then it may never stop hurting, but you can come to terms with it and perhaps LESSON the pain.

You may think you can handle it all just fine, but after all the things you've been through, some counseling will do you good...........if not for yourself, then for Mason and Dustin. The more healthy you can make yourself, the better their lives will be too. If you live in denial about needing some help, you may find out you should've gotten help after it's too late and Mason has bitterness towards YOU similar to what you feel for your mother or father.

 

[mwelling757]

Hugs for you Tessa... Time can heal wounds... well, I had a good mother but I don't think my father had been good to me... But before he passed away, God has given him time to realize how much I loved him no matter he had hurt me so badly that I have to leave home at a very young age... But it's actually in God's hands and not ours... I pray that somehow he (your father) can hear you and will do something for your family to become whole again... And hope that your mother will soon be fine and won't hurt anybody...

 

[tessa_s212]

My mother sends me emails just about daily. I haven't figured out how to block her, and not sure I want to (for one day if she does decide to seek help, and I've already moved and she doesn't have my address, she wouldn't be able to locate me???). I just ignore her, usually don't even read the emails, and never ever respond unless it is about coming to get more things from her house.

However, I read one email where she said that she did have to go to the hospital, and according to the doctors, there is nothing wrong with her. They told her to just take it easy, and the reason she is a little off is because of all the stress her terrible daughters are putting her through.

Probably the thing I hate most about paranoid schizophrenia is that it can be very hard to diagnose if they aren't in a full blown auditory hallucination or without other evidence. My sister DOES have a video of her during her delusions and hallucinations, and she has screen shots printed out of my mom threatening suicide on her facebook wall... but we're not sure if it is worth it to even continue. We've been told we could go right to the judge and petition to the court to force her on meds because she's a danger to herself and others... but.. seems more trouble than its worth. Obviously the docs in NW Ohio are twits that can't see a looney-bin when one is right in front of their eyes. At least if they would have diagnosed her, we'd have something to go on.. a real medical opinion that she is ill and dangerous. Sorry, I'm just so frustrated with them for not properly diagnosing her. Maybe she's just lying again.. she always used to say that doctors always told her she was normal.

 

[joce]

Tessa-I bet the docs probably did tell her to get help. Maybe she just didn't need hospitalized at that point. They tend to hear what they want in a conversation. Like blah blah your stressed,see a psychiatrist, get on meds, and you will be fine. What they hear is you are fine. They twist things around.

Your out. Your safe and thats what matters.