I need some objective advice...

[jammer]

Background:

My ten year old son is dyslexic. His self esteem is extremely low despite our efforts to constantly boost him. I think he's going to have to come into his own...so to speak. My son has trouble controlling his anger and I suspect he might have bipolar disorder. He has been diagnosed with ADHD and I know it's over diagnosed SO MUCH, but he truly does have trouble focusing and in turn he has such horrible days without his medications. I don't take any diagnoses at face value and he's been tested numerous times. I'm constantly reading about the disorder and possible solutions. He's immature for his age, which is often associated with kids with ADHD.

Problem:

Today he hit another classmate and was suspended from school. He talked to my mother tonight and told her that this little boy CONSTANTLY calls him stupid and/or dumb. The anger outburst happened after the boy called him stupid/dumb and then called him a cry baby after my son started crying. Being that he has such low self esteem due to his learning disability being called stupid/dumb is absolutely devastating to a kid like that. He also told her the other kid does it quietly, so the teacher does not hear it. He said the teacher told him to "deal with it." My son needs to learn how to take criticism, however this is beyond criticism. This is mean spirited teasing that should never be tolerated by any member of a schools faculty. I just need objective opinions on the situation. I'm going to talk to my son tomorrow and make it clear that the hitting is not acceptable and there are other means to deal with situations like this. We talked to him tonight, but I want him to feel like I'm on his side, I'm his protector, and that he has the ability to come to me with anything. I'm going to tell him that he's to notify me immediately if the situation is not handled (i.e. kid keeps calling him stupid and it's not dealt with). I'm also going to email his teacher to find out exactly what happened and make it clear that the teasing will not be tolerated. I feel like this is a set back and he feels like everyone hates him.

BTW, this is a private school, it's small and I honestly thought this stuff would be handled better. Anyway, thoughts?

 

[2BlackDogs]

I would talk to the teach personally. Set up a meeting with your son's teacher and tell her what he has been telling you about being teased. Talking face to face will give you a good idea if this teacher knows what is going on or has dealt with it. If it happens and the teacher does nothing, I'd explain it to the principal. Sometimes If the teachers don't deal with the things they are supposed to, going to the principal pushes things in the right direction. That's what I'd be doing anyways.

The sit down with your son is a good idea. Explaining to him that it is not ok to hit people will hopefully prevent this from happening and ending in a suspension again. But he needs to know who he can go to if he is teased again. I'd let him know that he can tell his teacher or a guidence counselor or even the principal of the school if the teacher ignores the problem. He needs to tell someone if he's uncomfortable. At least, the teacher could keep them seperated in class.

 

[Buddy'sParents]

How objective do you need us to be? Because I feel your anger and sadness and know what I would do.. but I'm not so sure it's "objective".. I'm kinda passionate about this type of stuff.

 

[Island dog]

I understand what you're going through. My son is now 32 yrs old. He was always getting suspended from school and had anger issues and was also on medication. The problem is you can't stop kids from calling each other names - your son is going to have to get through it somehow. I know you want to protect him from any harm but you can only do so much and children are very cruel with each other.

 

[jammer]

Please be as objective as possible. I really need my emotions taken out of the situation.

 

[blue]

Dyslexia and ADD/ADHA all take different forms and need to be approached differently. Meds can help but IMO arent the answer. Im dyslexic, ADD, and have anger issues. THe last, obvious I know.

 

[jammer]

I understand what you're going through. My son is now 32 yrs old. He was always getting suspended from school and had anger issues and was also on medication. The problem is you can't stop kids from calling each other names - your son is going to have to get through it somehow. I know you want to protect him from any harm but you can only do so much and children are very cruel with each other.

I understand that and I really appreciate your response. However, this is a school designed to curb this type of behavior. When you have a kid like my son, it's devasting beyond measure when he's called stupid. He has trouble reading and in turn already FEELS stupid. He doesn't need someone to validate those feelings. I have an absolute NO TOLERANCE policy on him teasing other kids. But, like I said, I need objective. At this point, I'm so hurt and saddened that I'm ready to yank this little boy up and tell him exactly what I think of him.

 

[jammer]

Dyslexia and ADD/ADHA all take different forms and need to be approached differently. Meds can help but IMO arent the answer. Im dyslexic, ADD, and have anger issues. THe last, obvious I know.

Aaaah! From the looks of things you're a good, functioning adult. This gives me hope for my son. How did your parents/you approach your kidhood and how successful were you with everything? Did you grow out of the anger issues?

 

[Samantha's pet]

Kids are mean. That's all I have to say.

 

[Zoom]

Explain to your son that no matter how mean the kids are being, it's not ok to hit. The other may deserve it or even be asking for it, but the teacher's only see the one that throws the punch. So he'll get in trouble, the other kid won't and that will just make the problem worse.

Then talk to the teacher and tell her what your son has told you and ask her to try and keep an eye on the antagonizer. Or just give him a talking to anyway.

 

[blue]

Firstly the anger issue is something that I allways have to deal with, Im usually able to keep it in check. I do have a few triggers. I cant say if the anger issue stems from dyslexia or the ADD.

Before a few injuries, I had to be kept active or reading not be bored and end up doing stupid stuff. My parents didnt have the easiest time with me but far better than some of my friends parents.

ETA: If he is struck first it is ok to deffend himself.

 

[Buddy'sParents]

I think that you should sit down with both the teacher and principal... bullying is VERY real and happens everywhere and should be completely unacceptable.

Children with special needs- no matter what the needs- need to be dealt with appropriately. Should your son have acted out physically? Of course not. But if it's as often as he says it is, I can understand his frustration. While I can understand the need to cope with criticism- this bullying is BEYOND that and is unacceptable at any school, especially private schools, which are in most cases, held up to much higher standards (though, bullying does occur there as well).

I don't know what, if any, kind of programs your son is involved in, but an after school program, or small group program, where he can be with kids with similar shoes can spend time together- under the direction of "professionals" who know how to interact with children like him can really boost his self-esteem. He needs to know that while he's "different" it's okay to be as such and that people can help him to control himself when he starts to feel sad or angry.

And.. he needs to know that hitting is NOT okay (except within terms of defending oneself, but that doesn't sound like this is the case).. but building his self esteem can help with that.

 

[blue]

Just thought of something.

Is he into group activities or activities that can be done in a group?

Im not a fan of group sports. I was into cycling as a kid, not team races. As a teen I did alot of rock and ice climbing and monoboarding. Things done in a group but not as a team/group.

 

[showpug]

I don't have a lot to add other than my kids will never be taught that hitting is not okay. If a kid hits them first I would sure hope they know it's ok to stand up and defend themselves and hit back if that's what it takes. Period. But, it sounds like with your son, the other kid was just saying nasty things and not hitting first. That is a tougher situation...but, I wouldn't be surprised if your son handled it on his own today by giving that other boy a great big dose of what he deserved.

 

[blue]

Jammer I hope your boy did a good enough job on the bully so other kids wont continue the bullying. At 10, most, dyslexics arent up to verbal bullying.

 

[Romy]

Just wanted to add a couple of things. I worked as a reading specialist/early intervention specialist in an elementary school, and can tell you that there are a lot of children who struggle like your son.

Has he ever been tested for Irlen Syndrome? Here is a link that can help you get a basic idea of what it is. It's extremely easy to accommodate and makes life for a dyslexic so much easier when dealt with. It seems really simple, but you would be completely amazed at the number of kids (and adults) who have it and were simply never tested, and told they would just have to deal with being dyslexic for the rest of their lives.

http://www.dyslexia-test.com/color.html

Also, have you looked into possible food sensitivities that could be causing the ADD symptoms? I have ADD, and grew up with it. So did my brothers, two of them have ADHD, the youngest has ADHD and mild autism. It turned out that we are all allergic to wheat gluten, and once we cut it out of our diets we could magically concentrate. I could feel a difference after a few days, and after two weeks was pretty much normal. Red dye is also a very common allergen for children, and one of the most common symptoms is hyperactivity/inability to concentrate. You might try changing his diet and have him keep a daily log of how he's doing during that time to see if it makes a difference.

For confidence boosting, try getting him involved in something he's good at or likes to do. It must be really hard for him having so much focus placed on his deficiencies all the time. If he could get involved in a sport or music, something to remind him that life isn't all about reading and paying attention would probably help.

Lastly, I think you are handling the bully thing well and that everybody has given good advice on the subject. I would change your vocabulary a little, from "bullying" to "harassment". Teachers speak their own kind of legalese lingo, and harassment is a very serious thing. Calling it by what it really is should get you a stronger response from the school staff. Your son's teacher needs to protect her students from harassment and create the kind of environment they can all function in.

 

[drmom777]

For builing self esteem and helping with focus, I would get him into sports. Specifically there are certain sports that are great for kids with ADHD issues. Lots of people recommend Karate, but I like fencing. My kids fence, and I have seen it do wonders for many kids over the years. As they learn and compete, it builds their self esteem, and, it helps them get into college and focus once they are there.

If you have fencing in your area, it might be worth looking into. I found that it changed my daughter's self image entirely (she had different issues, but still) Now being an athlete is a big part of who she thinks of herself as.

 

[cinnamon]

Someone mentioned it's more harassment than bullying. Would the teacher tolerate some child being called fat or four-eyes? I doubt it.

One girl picked on my daughter over stupid stuff like what she brought for lunch.(and she didn't bring anything unusual--my kid was just an easy target)

I spoke with the teacher a couple of times nicely. The next year they were in separate classes but the year after the kid started in on my daughter again. This time I wrote a letter to the prinicipal. The brat's mother was shown the letter and my daughter didn't have a problem again.

 

[joce]

Go to the school and see whats going on but its a hard line to walk if he is bipolar. If he sees you as fixing everything for him it will just get worse and worse-even if there is a real and not just a perceived problem starting it.

My cousin has a younger boy and he has already been in the special school. everyone else in his life can see he is playing her and just using her as a get out of trouble free card but its not doing him any good.

What makes you think he is bipolar? We get so many adult bipolars in and I always wonder if someone would have just put there foot down and not got them out of every situation they get themselves into would we be at this point right now? I can't imagine having to deal with it at home but definately try to get on top of that now and not later.(they don't diagnose till 18 really anyway but something could still help)

 

[bubbatd]

Could you have a teacher's aid to help out ??? Slso , when Nash has trouble focusing in school , they give him bubble wrap to finger .