I have been fooling myself thinking Gretta is not in pain. Anyone who saw her tumors and how big that one on her leg is now would know she has to be in pain every moment. I guess it has been my selfishness that has forced her to live being miserable. I was looking for any shred of life left in her. But I think her light went out several weeks ago.
As I layed on the couch with my arm draped over the side petting her... it was then looking at her sad face that I knew she was truly suffering. She doesn't want to live like this and if she could talk she'd beg me to let her go.
I have been agonizing over this for weeks now and I knew the outcome would be the same despite when the day would come... and I knew it was coming soon. I have been dreading it so bad. I am so heart broken I can't stand it. My eyes are so swollen from all the tears I have shed.
My daughter made the comment not too long ago she wanted us to let her know when we were gonna take Gretta to be put to sleep because she wanted to be able to say goodbye to her. The last dog we had to put to sleep we did while she was at school and when she came home she was rather upset that we did not let her know before we did it. She is almost 16 so I know she is mature enough to make the decision to want to say goodbye to a pet that has been part of her life for the past 11 years. But I know she has a big history test tomorrow and if we tell her in the morning before she goes to school she's gonna be thinking about it all day and not only will it ruin her day, it may cause her not to be able to concentrate and do badly on a test that she desperately needs to get a good grade on. Part of me doen't want to tell her at all and let her come home and find out... but then part of me feels like I would have let her down and been sneaky. I have such mixed feelings about it. I know how it felt for me when my parents did that to me and didn't tell me about my dog being put to sleep until after the fact and I had so much anger toward them because I really felt like I had no closure because I never got to say goodbye.
And my biggest dilema now is can I pull myself together long enough to be by her side when she takes her last breath?? Part of me doen't want to be there when she takes her last breath but then again... how can I not be there. I was the one who carried her home from the breeder in my lap and I remember that day like it was yesterday. It was me who spent the most time with her these past 11 years. I loved her, played with her, took care of her every need... she is like a child of mine. I want it to be my face and voice she sees and hears last as she passes away. I want her to know that I love her and will greatly miss her. I want her to feel my arms around her hugging her and saying goodbye.
I have cried and cried so much that my chest hurts... maybe part of it's anxiety. I am so distraught right now. I know I am depressed and I am finding myself having tremendous guilt if I crack a smile about something or have a happy thought. I know it is just my grief I am experiencing... and I know it will pass. But for right now it is real, and it is terrible. I know many of you have experienced losing a pet. And I have too... but for some reason this has been the hardest for me.
What I hate the most is knowing I will be laying my head down to go to sleep soon with Gretta at my side and it will be her last night with me. The last night I will hear her snore or her muffled growls and barks in her sleep because she's probably dreaming she's chasing down a rabbit or something. It will be the last time I will say "come on Gretta bum... you gotta go pee" The thought of making an appointment to kill my dog just tears me up inside. I know it's the right thing to do... I've known it for a while now.... but it doesn't make it any easier.
I'm sorry for sounding like such a stick in the mud..I am just so sad right now and needed to get this off my chest. And I knew there would be no other people that would understand more than fellow animal lovers like yourselves. Thank you for all your previous posts of support. And I look forward to posting in the future to let you know about my puppy I have been neglecting (she hasn't really been neglected.... just not been spending as much time with her) while I focused on caring for Gretta these past few weeks. I just will need some time to heal and make it through a day without crying.
I know this is a stupid question... but when you put a dog to sleep and they inject them with the medication. I know it stops their respirations and their heart. I know the vet tells you it is not painful for them... but I often wonder if they just say that to make you feel better. I think what goes through my mind is that they struggle to breath and the medication makes it so they can't use their muscles to breath and essentially they die from lack of oxygen. And to me that is a horrible way to die. I hope it is just my brain running crazy in my head thinking that. I hope it is just as if they were putting them under anestesia for surgery only they never wake up. I pray to God it will be peaceful and not leave haunting memories in my mind. Well, I am gonna try and go to sleep now. If I can stop the tears from flowing down my face.
Here is my favorite picture of Gretta. She has the happiest look on her face.
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As I layed on the couch with my arm draped over the side petting her... it was then looking at her sad face that I knew she was truly suffering. She doesn't want to live like this and if she could talk she'd beg me to let her go.
I have been agonizing over this for weeks now and I knew the outcome would be the same despite when the day would come... and I knew it was coming soon. I have been dreading it so bad. I am so heart broken I can't stand it. My eyes are so swollen from all the tears I have shed.
My daughter made the comment not too long ago she wanted us to let her know when we were gonna take Gretta to be put to sleep because she wanted to be able to say goodbye to her. The last dog we had to put to sleep we did while she was at school and when she came home she was rather upset that we did not let her know before we did it. She is almost 16 so I know she is mature enough to make the decision to want to say goodbye to a pet that has been part of her life for the past 11 years. But I know she has a big history test tomorrow and if we tell her in the morning before she goes to school she's gonna be thinking about it all day and not only will it ruin her day, it may cause her not to be able to concentrate and do badly on a test that she desperately needs to get a good grade on. Part of me doen't want to tell her at all and let her come home and find out... but then part of me feels like I would have let her down and been sneaky. I have such mixed feelings about it. I know how it felt for me when my parents did that to me and didn't tell me about my dog being put to sleep until after the fact and I had so much anger toward them because I really felt like I had no closure because I never got to say goodbye.
And my biggest dilema now is can I pull myself together long enough to be by her side when she takes her last breath?? Part of me doen't want to be there when she takes her last breath but then again... how can I not be there. I was the one who carried her home from the breeder in my lap and I remember that day like it was yesterday. It was me who spent the most time with her these past 11 years. I loved her, played with her, took care of her every need... she is like a child of mine. I want it to be my face and voice she sees and hears last as she passes away. I want her to know that I love her and will greatly miss her. I want her to feel my arms around her hugging her and saying goodbye.
I have cried and cried so much that my chest hurts... maybe part of it's anxiety. I am so distraught right now. I know I am depressed and I am finding myself having tremendous guilt if I crack a smile about something or have a happy thought. I know it is just my grief I am experiencing... and I know it will pass. But for right now it is real, and it is terrible. I know many of you have experienced losing a pet. And I have too... but for some reason this has been the hardest for me.
What I hate the most is knowing I will be laying my head down to go to sleep soon with Gretta at my side and it will be her last night with me. The last night I will hear her snore or her muffled growls and barks in her sleep because she's probably dreaming she's chasing down a rabbit or something. It will be the last time I will say "come on Gretta bum... you gotta go pee" The thought of making an appointment to kill my dog just tears me up inside. I know it's the right thing to do... I've known it for a while now.... but it doesn't make it any easier.
I'm sorry for sounding like such a stick in the mud..I am just so sad right now and needed to get this off my chest. And I knew there would be no other people that would understand more than fellow animal lovers like yourselves. Thank you for all your previous posts of support. And I look forward to posting in the future to let you know about my puppy I have been neglecting (she hasn't really been neglected.... just not been spending as much time with her) while I focused on caring for Gretta these past few weeks. I just will need some time to heal and make it through a day without crying.
I know this is a stupid question... but when you put a dog to sleep and they inject them with the medication. I know it stops their respirations and their heart. I know the vet tells you it is not painful for them... but I often wonder if they just say that to make you feel better. I think what goes through my mind is that they struggle to breath and the medication makes it so they can't use their muscles to breath and essentially they die from lack of oxygen. And to me that is a horrible way to die. I hope it is just my brain running crazy in my head thinking that. I hope it is just as if they were putting them under anestesia for surgery only they never wake up. I pray to God it will be peaceful and not leave haunting memories in my mind. Well, I am gonna try and go to sleep now. If I can stop the tears from flowing down my face.
Here is my favorite picture of Gretta. She has the happiest look on her face.