How Do I Tell Someone They Stink??

[sillysally]

My dad is 62, and has developed a pronounced "old man" smell. He is living with my aunt and having some health issues so he's not currently working. His room wreaks of old man, and my aunt said that he has not been showering daily--he will sometimes go nearly a week without showering. Also, he often doesn't wear clean clothes daily. She also claims he's not brushing his teeth daily, and he's a smoker.

Now, they live in a condo and the washer, dryer, and shower are not 15 ft from his bedroom door. He can easily walk around and wash himself. He'll shower when he has a doctor appointment, and if I'm visiting, but otherwise not so much.

This seems to be causing arguments in the household. My aunt told me this evening (I'm down here visiting), that in their most recent argument about his "old man smell" dad told her that it was no wonder nobody ever wanted to marry her with how much she tells him he stinks.

She really wants me to talk to him about his hygiene but I have no idea how. I did offer to clean his room too to bottom tomorrow and do my damnedest to get rid of the odor, but if he doesn't keep himself clean that's not going to last long.

Help? How do I do this? I don't want to humiliate dad, but he needs to take proper care of himself.

 

[Linds]

This isn't helpful at all with how to tell him or anything like that but might be a short term solution for your aunt with the smell.

They make a lot of sprays and scent absorbers for people that are bed bound, incontinent etc.

These three have been the most liked by the caregivers I know, the first two are the same brand.

http://www.amazon.com/dp/B000GG60WK

http://www.parentgiving.com/shop/m9-odor-eliminator-spray-1469/p/

http://www.parentgiving.com/shop/citrus-ii-odor-eliminating-air-fragrance-original-scent-3331/p/

 

[milos_mommy]

I'd tell him your sister mentioned she's worried about him, as he hasn't been taking care of himself, and see if there's a reason. Maybe he's depressed, or worried about falling in the shower if he has health problems, or it's just too hard on him physically (I know when I had low blood pressure, showers made me feel like I'd faint, they had to be cold and fast, which isn't much fun in January in NY).

Hopefully he won't get defensive right away, but maybe ask him if he needs a shower bench, or would feel better with a bell in the bathroom. Even if his physical health has nothing to do with it, it might be a wake up call to see his hygiene habits are really concerning to you and your sister.

 

[Zoom]

62 isn't really that old by today's standards. I'd be more concerned if he is developing some mental issues...see if you can get him to his doctor and sort of mention what's going on. It may be depression, it might be something else.

 

[sassafras]

I am not at all trying to be funny or snarky here, but I think this is one of those things you just have to lay it out bluntly: Dude, you stink! What are you going to do about it?

 

[sillysally]

I do believe he is depressed, but he does not seem interested in getting help. He really dislikes mental health meds and was pretty upset when he discovered the I took them for bi-polar and OCD. He was certain the doctors put me on them "to make money."

I bought him a shower bar and a mate for the shower, some personal care items, a couple of packets of underwear and some more clothes so that he has less of an excuse to not have clean clothes....

 

[Zhucca]

I am not at all trying to be funny or snarky here, but I think this is one of those things you just have to lay it out bluntly: Dude, you stink! What are you going to do about it?

This is how I would approach it either. You're going to likely offend him either way, and sometimes you just gotta say it like it is.

 

[stardogs]

62 is really quite young - I would be worried about an underlying issue. If you think depression might be an issue, what about encouraging him to exercise? It's not a med and may have limited benefit, but the endorphins do often help and it would be a very easy step to a shower after. Perhaps he currently feels like he's not doing enough activity to warrant a shower for that matter.

My parents are both in their 60s and I can't imagine either of them letting their personal hygiene go without something else going on.

 

[ACooper]

I agree with the blunt/direct approach. Perhaps not the "dude you stink" line, but more along the lines of "Dad, I am concerned about you. I can tell you haven't been taking care of yourself and your odor is starting to offend people around you."

I also agree with a mental health check up.

 

[Island dog]

Been There

Speaking from experience, when very depressed I didn't really care how I looked. Didn't want to be around anyone and only did so because people hound you if you try to be alone. It takes so much energy to 'pretend' to do the normal things and there really seems to be no point to do anything.

You end up resenting people that try to help you as they point out all the things they've been keeping track of. You are a major disappointment now in the eyes of everyone, not just yourself. Well, if you're that big of a disappoint - then you don't want those people around. It's a terrible vicious circle and terrifying because no matter how much people care, they can't help you.

The hardest part is getting help. The stigma with mental illness is hard to fight. People would rather deny they have problems and suffer forever.

I don't know if this helps, and I hope your Dad improves his life by understanding what is happening to him. He can minimize the dark periods with help from those who know how damaging depression is.

All my best.