For a couple of laughs

[lilprairiemutt]

9 WORDS WOMEN USE

1. Fine: This is the word women use to end an argument when they are right & you need to shut up.

2. Five Minutes: If she is getting dressed, this means a half an hour. 5 minutes is only 5 minutes if you have just been given 5 more minutes to watch the game before helping around the house.

3. Nothing: This is the calm before the storm. This means something, & you should be on your toes. Arguments that begin with nothing usua lly end in fine.

4. Go Ahead: This is a dare, not permission. Don't Do It!

5. Loud Sigh: This is actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. A loud sigh means she thinks you are an idiot & wonders why she is wasting her time standing here & arguing with you about nothing. (Refer back to #3 for the meaning of nothing.)

6. That's Okay: This is o ne of the most dangerous statements a women can make to a man. That's okay means she wants to think long & hard before deciding how & when you w i ll pay for your mistake.

7. Thanks: A woman is thanking you, do not question, or Faint. Just say you're welcome.

8. Whatever: Is a women's way of saying @$#* YOU!

9. Don't worry about it, I got it: Another dangerous statement, meaning this is something a woman has told a man to do several times, but is now doing it herself. This will later result in a man asking 'What's wrong?' For the woman's response refer to #3.

-------------------------------------

UCLA Study

A study conducted by UCLA's Department of Psychiatry has revealed that the
kind of face a woman finds attractive on a man can
differ depending on where she is in her menstrual cycle. For example: If
she is ovulating, she is attracted to men with rugged and masculine
features.

However, if she is menstruating, or menopausal, she tends to be more
attracted to a man with duct tape over his mouth and a spear lodged
in his chest while he is on fire.

No further studies are expected.

-----------------------------------------

The fishing trip

Man calls home to his wife and says, "Honey I have been asked to go fishing at a big lake up in Canada with my boss and several of his friends. We'll be gone for a week. This is a good opportunity for me to get that promotion I've been wanting, so would you please pack me enough clothes for a week and set out my rod and tackle box. We're leaving from the office and I will swing by the house to pick my things up. Oh! Please pack my new blue silk pajamas."

The wife thinks this sounds a little fishy, but being a good wife she does exactly what her husband asked.

The following weekend he came home a little tired but otherwise looking good.

The wife welcomes him home and asks if he caught many fish?

He says, "Yes! Lot's of walleye, some blue gill, and a few pike. But why didn't you pack my new blue silk pajamas like I asked you to do?"

The wife replies "I did, they were in your tackle box."

-------------------------------------

A man was feeling ill his wife insisted he went for a check up.

After the doctor had given him the once over he suggested he wait in the waiting room whilst he had a long chat with his wife.

The specialist took her to one side.
"Your husband is suffering from a severe stress disorder.
If you don't do the following he will surely die.

1.Each morning give him a healthy breakfast.
2.Be nice at all times.
3.Make him a really nutricious lunch serve it with a loving smile
4.Cook him a nice evening dinner in the evening followed by a pint of his favourite Purfleet Ale.
5.No chores
6.No nagging.
7.Oh yes and make love to him 3 or 4 times a week, fulfill his fantasies, sex is a great stress reducer.

Do this for the next year and he will recover completely".

The wife left the doctor and went to her husband.
"Well?" he asked.

"You're going to die" she replied

--------------------------------------------

 

[Renee750il]

Afraid that those are too close to the truth way too often

 

[lilprairiemutt]

If Noah had lived in the United States today the story may have gone something like this:

And the Lord spoke to Noah and said, "In one year, I am going to make it rain and cover the whole earth with water until all flesh is destroyed. But I want you to save the righteous people and two of every kind of living thing on earth. Therefore, I am commanding you to build an Ark." In a flash of lightning, God delivered the specifications for an Ark. In fear and trembling, Noah took the plans and agreed to build the ark. "Remember," said the Lord, "you must complete the Ark and bring everything aboard in one year."

Exactly one year later, fierce storm clouds covered the earth and all the seas of the earth went into a tumult. The Lord saw that Noah was sitting in his front yard weeping. "Noah!" He shouted. "Where is the Ark?" "Lord, please forgive me," cried Noah. "I did my best, but there were big problems.

* First, I had to get a permit for construction, and your plans did not meet the building codes. I had to hire an engineering firm and redraw the plans.
* Then I got into a fight with OSHA over whether or not the Ark needed a sprinkler system and approved floatation devices.
* Then, my neighbor objected, claiming I was violating zoning ordinances by building the Ark in my front yard, so I had to get a variance from the city planning commission.
* Then, I had problems getting enough wood for the Ark, because there was a ban on cutting trees to protect the Spotted Owl. I finally convinced the U.S. Forest Service that I really needed the wood to save the owls.
* However, the Fish and Wildlife Service won't let me take the 2 owls.
* The carpenters formed a union and went on strike. I had to negotiate a settlement with the National Labor Relations Board before anyone would pick up a saw or hammer. Now, I have 16 carpenters on the Ark, but still no owls.
* When I started rounding up the other animals, an animal rights group sued me. They objected to me taking only two of each kind aboard. This suit is pending.
* Meanwhile, the EPA notified me that I could not complete the Ark without filing an environmental impact statement on your proposed flood. They didn't take very kindly to the idea that they had no jurisdiction over the conduct of the Creator of the Universe.
* Then, the Army Corps of Engineers demanded a map of the proposed flood plain. I sent them a globe.
* Right now, I am trying to resolve a complaint filed with the Equal Employment Opportunity Commission that I am practicing discrimination by not taking atheists aboard.
* The IRS has seized my assets, claiming that I'm building the Ark in preparation to flee the country to avoid paying taxes. I just got a notice from the state that I owe them some kind of user tax and failed to register the Ark as a 'recreational water craft'.
And finally, the ACLU got the courts to issue an injunction against further construction of the Ark, saying that since God is flooding the earth, it's a religious event, and, therefore unconstitutional.

I really don't think I can finish the Ark for another five or six years." Noah waited. The sky began to clear, the sun began to shine, and the seas began to calm. A rainbow arched across the sky. Noah looked up hopefully. "You mean you're not going to destroy the earth, Lord?" "No," He said sadly. "I don't have to. The government already has."

--------------------------------------

A Texas rancher got in his pickup and drove to a neighboring ranch and
knocked at the door.

A young boy, about 9, opened the door.

"Is yer Dad home?" the rancher asked.

"No sir, he ain't," the boy replied. "He went into town."

Well said the rancher, "is yer Mom here?"

"No, sir, she ain't here neither. She went into town with Dad."

"How about your brother, Howard? Is he here?"

"He went with Mom and Dad."

The rancher stood there for a few minutes, shifting from one foot to
the other and mumbling to himself.

"Is there anything I can do fer ya?" the boy asked politely. "I knows
where all the tools are, if you want to borry one. Or maybe I could
take a message fer Dad."

"Well," said the rancher uncomfortably, "I really wanted to talk to yer
Dad. It's about your brother Howard getting my daughter, Pearly Mae,
pregnant."

The boy considered for a moment. "You would have to talk to Pa about
that" he finally conceded. "If it helps you any, I know that Pa
charges $50 for the bull and $25 for the hog, but, I really don't know
how much he gets fer Howard."

--------------------------

1. My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE.
"If you're going to kill each other, do it outside. I just finished cleaning."

2. My mother taught me RELIGION.
"You better pray that will come out of the carpet."

3. My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL.
"If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you into the middle of next week!"

4. My mother taught me LOGIC.
" Because I said so, ! that's why."

5. My mother taught me MORE LOGIC.
"If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, you're not going to the store with me."

6. My mother taught me FORESIGHT.
"Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you're in an accident."

7. My mother taught me IRONY
"Keep crying, and I'll give you something to cry about."

8. My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS.
"Shut your mouth and eat your supper."

9. My mother taught me about CONTORTIONISM.
"Will you look at that dirt on the back of your neck!"

10. My mother taught me about STAMINA.
"You'll sit there until all that spinach is gone."

11. My mother taught me about WEATHER.
"This room of yours looks as if a tornado went through it."

12. My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY.
"If I told you once, I've told you a million times. Don't exaggerate!"

13. My mother taught me the CIRCLE OF LIFE.
"I brought you into this world, and I can take you out."

14. My mother taught me about BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION.
"Stop acting like your father!"

15. My mother taught me about ENVY.
"There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don't have wonderful parents like you do."

16. My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION.
"Just wait until we get home."

17. My mother taught me about RECEIVING.
"You are going to get it when you get home!"

18. My mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE.
"If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they are going to freeze that way."

19. My mother taught me ESP.
"Put your sweater on; don't you think I know when you are cold?"

20. My mother taught me HUMOR.
"When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don't come running to me."

21. My mother taught me HOW TO BECOME AN ADULT.
"If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up."

22. My mother taught me GENETICS.
"You're just like your father."

23. My mother taught me about my ROOTS.
"Shut that door behind you. Do you think you were born in a barn?"

24. My mother taught me WISDOM.
"When you get to be my age, you'll understand."

25. And my favorite: My mother taught me about JUSTICE.
"One day you'll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you!"

------------------------

 

[Mayasmydobe]

I have a few... lol

The Wedding Test
was a very happy man. My wonderful girlfriend
and I had been dating for over a year, and so we
decided to get married. There was only one
little thing bothering me...It was her beautiful
younger sister.

My prospective sister-in-law was twenty-two, wore very
tight miniskirts, and generally was bra-less. She
would regularly bend down when she was near
me, and I always got more than a nice view. It had to
be deliberate. Because she never did it when she was near anyone else.

One day her "little" sister called and asked me to
come over to check the wedding invitations. She was
alone when I arrived, and she whispered to me that she
had feelings and desires for me that she couldn't
overcome. She told me that she wanted me just once
before I got married and committed my life to her
sister.

Well, I was in total shock, and couldn't say a word.

She said, "I'm going upstairs to my bedroom, and if
you want one last wild fling, just come up and get me."

I was stunned and frozen in shock as I watched her go
up the stairs. I stood there for a moment, then turned
and made a beeline straight to the front door. I
opened the door, and headed straight towards my car.

Lo and behold, my entire future family was standing
outside, all clapping!
With tears in his eyes, my father-in-law hugged me and
said, "We are very happy that you have passed our
little test. We couldn't ask for a better man for our
daughter.
Welcome to the family."
And the moral of this story is:
Always keep your condoms in your car.

Simple Math
HUSBAND'S LETTER

A husband wrote the following letter for his wife and left it on the
dining room table:

"To My Dear Wife,
You will surely understand that I have certain needs that you, being
54
years old, can no longer satisfy. I am very happy with you, and I
value
you as a good wife. Therefore, after reading this letter I hope you
will
not wrongly interpret the fact that I will be spending the evening
with my
18-year-old secretary at the Comfort Inn Hotel.


Please don't be upset - I shall be back home before midnight."
------------------------
When the man came home late that night he found the following letter
on
the dining room table:

"To My Dear Husband,
I received your letter and thank you for your honesty about my being
54
years old. I would like to take this opportunity to remind you that
you
are also 54 years old. As you know, I am a math teacher ! at our local
college.

I would like to inform you that while you're at the Comfort Inn, I
will be
at the Hotel Fiesta with Michael, one of my students, who is also the
assistant tennis coach. He is young, virile, and like your secretary,
he
is 18 years old.
As a successful businessman with an excellent knowledge of math, you
will
understand that we are in the same situation, although with one small
difference; 18 goes into 54 a lot more times than 54 goes into 18.
Therefore I will not be home until sometime tomorrow."

 

[2BlackDogs]

LMAO. Those are so funny. I haven't laughed like this in days!

 

[lilprairiemutt]

ROFLMAO, OMG that last one had me rolling!

 

[lilprairiemutt]

You all have probably seen this, but I will post it anyway for any that haven't

Dog at the end has some serious mental issues,LOL

http://video.yahoo.com/video/play?vid=67180

 

[lilprairiemutt]

STUN GUN (Only a guy would do this!)

Pocket Taser Stun Gun, a great gift for the wife. A guy who purchased his lovely wife a pocket Taser for their anniversary submitted this :

Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop that sparked my interest. The occasion was our 22nd anniversary and I was looking for a little something extra for my wife. What I came across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized taser. The effects of the taser were supposed to be short lived, with no long-term adverse affect on your assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety....
WAY TOO COOL!

Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home. I loaded two triple-a batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button. Nothing! I was disappointed. I learned, however, that if I pushed the button AND pressed it against a metal surface at the same time; I'd get the blue arch of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs.

Awesome!!!


Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Betty what that burn spot is on the face of her microwave.

Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn't be all that bad with only two triple-a batteries, right?!!
There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting little soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving target.
I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a second) and thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat. But, if I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised.
Was I wrong?

So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, and taser in another. The directions said that a one-second burst would shock and disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; a three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water. Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the batteries.

All the while I'm looking at this little device measuring about 5" long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference; pretty cute really and loaded with two itsy, bitsy triple-a batteries) thinking to myself, "no possible way!" What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best...

I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one side as to say, "don't do it master," reasoning that a one-second burst from such a tiny little ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad.. I decided to give myself a one-second burst just for the heck of it.
I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and
HOLY MOTHER OF GOD, WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION@!@$$!%!@*!!!

I'm pretty sure Jessie Ventura ran in through the side door, picked me up in the recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and over and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position, and tingling in my legs. The cat was standing over me making meowing sounds I had never heard before, licking my face, undoubtedly thinking to herself, "do it again, do it again!"

Note: If you ever feel compelled to "mug" yourself with a taser, one note of caution: there is no such thing as a one-second burst when you zap yourself. You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor. A three second burst would be considered conservative.

SON-OF-A-... that hurt like hell!!! A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at that point), collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape. My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace. How did they up get there??? My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching. My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs. I'm still looking for my testicles?
I'm offering a significant reward for their safe return.

 

[yoko]

UCLA Study

A study conducted by UCLA's Department of Psychiatry has revealed that the
kind of face a woman finds attractive on a man can
differ depending on where she is in her menstrual cycle. For example: If
she is ovulating, she is attracted to men with rugged and masculine
features.

However, if she is menstruating, or menopausal, she tends to be more
attracted to a man with duct tape over his mouth and a spear lodged
in his chest while he is on fire.

No further studies are expected.

lol this reminded me... at my old job all the girls had their period in a row. one for a week then another the next week and so one. well we all developed this look and the guys described it as
'dude she's giving the look... just walk away.'
'what look?'
'that look that we see for about a week each month... you know theone where they don't see you, they just see your dead corpse walking around. and they're not thinking of having a conversation with you, they're thinking 'why the crap... is that dead thing walking and trying to speak to me'... so just drop it and walk away'

XD that convo has been burned into my memory for all eternity lol