Ok, the title is a bit cliché, but I wasn't sure if a better way to put it...
I've had horses since I was 9. I trail rode, showed in 4-H, started working at a horse barn at 16 and stayed there for 10 years. When I was in college my parents and aunt convinced me to send Sheena to my aunt's three hours away, and even then I worked at the barn and eventually scraped cash together to buy and injured off the track standardbred (not my smartest purchase but I don't regret it). Eventually I brought Sheena back home, rehomed the STB to a barn employee who fell in love with him, and spent the last few years caring for Sheena and my friends' horses (we shared a barn). Then Sheena died.
She was 25 and I knew it would happen eventually. I had always planned on not getting another horse after her. When she died everything changed. I've totally lost any focus-horse WERE my focus apparently. My hobbies, my circle of friends, my goals all revolved around horses. I guess I wasn't ready for how much her death would effect my life.
I do have the dogs and birds and love them very much. I'm into them and do things with them, but it's not the same as being out in the barn. Going out to friends barns only makes the feeling worse-I realize what I'm missing all over again.
I could get another horse I theory (we could afford it), but I know that our money could and should be spent in more practical ways--maintaining the house, saving, etc. We also discussed having kids around this time in our lives, and everyone expects us to, but I secretly am not sure if that is what I want...
I just lost a big chuck if my self identity, and I don't know who I am. I'm questioning and reevaluating everything in my life. I know it was a bad year--the horse died, my cousin died, then my uncle died, my dad is very sick now, but I've come out the other side of it questioning things that I thought were at the very core of who I am and its freaking me out.
I'm not sure why I'm sharing thus other than the fact that nobody else seems to understand when I discuss it other than my therapist (and he's paid to understand, so...) I have just lost all focus this year and it is so incredibly frustrating-I'm just drifting through life half asleep...
Anyhoo, if you read this rambling post you get a homemade chocolate cookie...
I've had horses since I was 9. I trail rode, showed in 4-H, started working at a horse barn at 16 and stayed there for 10 years. When I was in college my parents and aunt convinced me to send Sheena to my aunt's three hours away, and even then I worked at the barn and eventually scraped cash together to buy and injured off the track standardbred (not my smartest purchase but I don't regret it). Eventually I brought Sheena back home, rehomed the STB to a barn employee who fell in love with him, and spent the last few years caring for Sheena and my friends' horses (we shared a barn). Then Sheena died.
She was 25 and I knew it would happen eventually. I had always planned on not getting another horse after her. When she died everything changed. I've totally lost any focus-horse WERE my focus apparently. My hobbies, my circle of friends, my goals all revolved around horses. I guess I wasn't ready for how much her death would effect my life.
I do have the dogs and birds and love them very much. I'm into them and do things with them, but it's not the same as being out in the barn. Going out to friends barns only makes the feeling worse-I realize what I'm missing all over again.
I could get another horse I theory (we could afford it), but I know that our money could and should be spent in more practical ways--maintaining the house, saving, etc. We also discussed having kids around this time in our lives, and everyone expects us to, but I secretly am not sure if that is what I want...
I just lost a big chuck if my self identity, and I don't know who I am. I'm questioning and reevaluating everything in my life. I know it was a bad year--the horse died, my cousin died, then my uncle died, my dad is very sick now, but I've come out the other side of it questioning things that I thought were at the very core of who I am and its freaking me out.
I'm not sure why I'm sharing thus other than the fact that nobody else seems to understand when I discuss it other than my therapist (and he's paid to understand, so...) I have just lost all focus this year and it is so incredibly frustrating-I'm just drifting through life half asleep...
Anyhoo, if you read this rambling post you get a homemade chocolate cookie...
