anxiety in 6 yr old , help me please

[-bogart-]

HELP ME PLEASE.

I have a 6 yr old and need to know if i should be concerned with her anxiety.

She has always been scared of being by herself , and really just a nervous person in new situations. She has to be eased into them slowly or she FREAKS and PANICS. She is in 1st grade now and if I don't sign a paper right away , or if we don't finish her homework , or even if her socks are not fitting her feet right , she gets hysterical and panics. I have never seen anything like this before and It seems to be getting worse. Last night she feel asleep before we could finish her homework and now this morning she is giving her dad nine kinds of hell over it. He had to call me at work because she had thrown herself on the floor screaming she had to do it . I finally calmed her down enough when i told her i wrote a note to the teacher and it would be ok. It is like she is afraid she is going to be beaten on or something . ( i do not spank them and her teacher is a nice lady so ne reason for the freak out).

None of my other kids are anything like this , if anything there fear switch is OFF , lol. Should I be overly concerned , and does anyone have any links to god sites. I know a lot pf people here seems to have some kind of panic problems and was just wanting tips to help her out or someone to steer me in the right direction . thanks all.

 

[Beanie]

Have you asked her doctor?

 

[Dizzy]

Thats a real difficult one to advise on, because you really need to know a lot more about her context and place in the family, how she copes at school and with other day to day tasks and interactions.

Have you asked school for advice? That would be my first port of call. Here a parent might contact their GP and be referred to the CAMHS (child and adolescent mental health service) for a consultation and advice. Or we have children's centres and schemes people can speak to for advice.

There's just so many things that could be going on for her in her world, or it could be something more intense and developmental. So there's no real cut and dry answer.

You could always start by really planning ahead with her. A lot of the kids we work with display the same anxieties, but that is because they usually have some form of attachment difficulty. Attachment disorder presents a lot like ADHD and ASD - they're all linked. But they get extremely upset or anxious with change or the unknown. They need order and routine. Even some of the littlest kids need it (I have a 3 yr old currently who can't cope with change).

Usually their parents/carers have to plan their day carefully to try and avoid disruption, but they also just do a lot of verbalising in the day. For eg "in a few minutes we are going to tidy up and get our shoes on and go out" and for major change, they verbalise it weeks in advance, have calendars, pictures etc etc. But they constantly offer a dialogue of what is happening around them and what is going to happen next. Repetition, repetition, repetition. Helps to secure the neural pathways in the brain!

But without knowing what her problem IS it's hard to offer any kind of solution... I suppose preempting when she's going to be distressed will help alleviate the panics, and giving her a sense of control of what is happening next might help. For eg, knowing she panics and hasn't completed her homework, you kind of know how she might respond, so try and avoid that situation occurring, or talk it through how you can resolve it.

Definitely speak with school though about it, if it's affecting her in major ways then maybe further investigation is needed.

 

[Fran101]

Honestly? She sounds like me at 6.
I saw a therapist..and that was really the only thing that truly helped.
they gave us the tools and open communication that helped. Sometimes you need a third party.

Anxiety (and it's reasons) are different for everyone... which is why talking to a professional helped so much.
That and my parents went and were informed of the right/wrong things to say or do. It wasn't about keeping me in a bubble, it was understanding my feelings were valid and working through them.

Things that helped at that age:
- Yoga
- Breathing exercises (close your eyes, breath in, breath out for 5 seconds etc..)
- Hand busy toys (I had this wobbly puzzle thing, playdoh, etc...)
- Rate the feeling.my mom would ask "Where are we?" and I would say "3" or I'd say "I'm a 6!" There was a chart that said what each number was but it was basically like 1 was fine/happy, 10 was really really bad.
- Express my feelings/be free to express them. My mom was always saying "You're fine, relax, it's only ______, your ok" and this kind of instilled this fear of saying I'm not fine. "How are you? I understand your feelings, do you want to talk about why you are anxious?" kind of thing helps.
- "safe place" = imagination games of a safe place/counting. I think at that age I would close my eyes and we would be on a beach counting dolphins or something. But you set it up like "Ok close your eyes, where are you? What color is the castle? Your in a pretty dress what does it look like? Ok let's count the ponies... one...two...three..." or whatever
- Praise for bravery, but also praise for expressing feelings (especially feelings before the meltdown)

- Asking what is wrong and writing it down so it could be made into smaller easier problems/discussed. My mom would write everything down and then we would go through them one by one. Immensely helpful and I still do it to this day. Sometimes the most scary part of anxiety is not even really knowing WHY and getting to the bottom of it really helps

As a parent, just be supportive, give warning in advance of change in routine, validate her feelings, keep her away from violent video games/movies (fuel to the worry wart fire), role play stressful situations so she's prepared, make BIG scary things into smaller things (for me my big issue was birthday parties... but my mom helped me break it up into ok, let's get dressed, good job, let's go in the car and just see what the party is like from outside, we don't have to go in, ok you ok? Let's go in for 2 minutes, etc...etc..)

My anxiety pops up a bit but I'm not on medication, the coping behaviors changed as I grew but as a child, they were very helpful and got my through

Hope it helps

 

[Beanie]

Dizzy has a good suggestion too, the school could potentially be a good resource. I still remember the school counselor when I was in grade school. No idea who it was when I was in middle school or high school but I remember the one in grade school. I had some anxiety/separation issues and while every other adult was trying to make me feel guilty about it so it would stop (LOLOLOL YEAH THAT TOTALLY WILL WORK), he was legit the only one who was nice and, you know, understood how to deal with it rather than just being mean.

Actually now that I think of it, I was probably six years old at the time too. Maybe seven. One of my mom's daycare children also developed separation stuff but I think he was five, he was not quite school age yet.

YMMV on the quality of counseling at the school of course, but that is definitely another resource besides starting with a doctor.

 

[Izzy's Valkyrie]

Lots of great advice here, I'm always pleasantly surprised when Chaz can give helpful feedback like this.

I do know that scheduling the ever-loving-crap out of your kid's day is super helpful. A good friend of mine has a son who stressed out majorly unless he's following a schedule and they did the same thing with telling him about changes verbally days/weeks in advance to let him start coping early. There's still definitely anxiety if something doesn't go exactly right but he's overall much happier because he does have a schedule.

 

[-bogart-]

we recently changed doctors and i have not brought this up with him yet. i will do that next week when i am off and can get her in.

I have talked to her teachers and that is one thing that worries me. She is quiet and reserved and tries her hardest at school. It sounds like she is totally shut down there. Since her day is so structured there , there have not been any meltdowns at school. When I have been at school , she won't look at me anyway except for a small smile and a little wave , then she looks to the teacher to see if it is ok. Her sister on the other hand will scream mommie and run out of class if i am passing in the hall. just totally subdued and seem frightened of doing wrong , she has never been punished for anything at school.

At home , she is the loudest and has to have her way , really totally opposite of what she is at school and more true to her nature. at home it is controlled chaos.She has to be by someone , and wont go anywhere alone. I have noticed that i have to police the tv well because she does get nightmares. FaceOff is one I can not watch when she is up now.
I will start talking /managing her more and see if that helps . kinda like a nervous dog. lol I hope the Ped Doc can help me with her also. I will also see if the school can help me out . I know the middle schol counselours are great.


I thank you all for the input , It really helps to give me some idea on which way to go . any Good links are helpfull also.

Thanks again.
and here is her and her sister , Virginia is holding the plate and Victoria is acting craycray as usual. lol

 

[Beanie]

IMHO kids don't necessarily have to have bad experiences personally to think they will get in trouble for things. Sometimes they see another kid get punished. Maybe a kid at school got yelled at for waving at his mom/dad? Maybe another kid got in trouble for not doing their homework. It might not even be so personal or close like that - maybe she just saw a movie or TV show where a kid got in trouble?

Or maybe it was something offhanded. My sister once had a teacher make a rude comment to her because she was always smiling in class. The teacher said something like "You're just sitting there smiling like a bump on a log." It changed how my sister interacted in that class and then spread to others. Maybe a teacher said something that wasn't intended as punishment, but she internalized it and it's having an effect on how she acts.

I think to a point it doesn't really matter what caused the behavior to start so much as dealing with where she is now. You can't really go back in time and explain that this one kid has mean parents so they popped him in the face because he didn't do his homework and that will make her go "oh okay!" and everything will be peachy-keen. I also wouldn't take it personally and think she's necessarily afraid of you or something you (or her teachers) did/said. Some kids are just more sensitive than others... and if it's generalized anxiety, well, nothing really "causes" that per se, it just kind of is.

Good luck!

 

[-bogart-]

thanks Beanie , that makes sense. I will keep it in mind .

 

[Dizzy]

you may laugh it's like having a nervous dog, but actually there are LOTS of similarities between little children and dogs!!!!

Best training I ever did was a psychotherapist who specialises in equine therapy (as in therapy WITH horses, not for horses lol). Her partner was beginning canine therapy absolutely BLEW me away that woman, she was unbelievably knowledgable on everything. We did a lot of work on the mammalian brain and how we all share similar responses and so on. We all have the same basic needs, the only thing that separates us humans is our cognitive brain.

So actually, a lot of the behaviour management stuff we think of for dogs, works just as well on children

Anxiety is often about lack of control of our surroundings. If you can help her feel in control, it can lessen the anxiety. Preparation, explanation, routine. But also having a parent figure who is in control makes a child feel safe (think about anxious dogs meeting other dogs - a good trainer helps the dog understand it doesn't need to worry or feel unsafe). If she thinks you've got it covered and will protect her, she will feel safer, life is in control and she will relax.

This is why you see very disturbed children who've been through hell behave in very controlling and manipulative ways quite often... They're not bad or naughty kids, they're just trying to control their environment to lessen their anxiety.

 

[Greenmagick]

I would definitely try and find a third party to talk to. I know a couple of children that sound similar. They do ok while at school but its almost as if that takes up all their control and when they get home they are just done and kind of lose it a bit. Then also panic about things.

(((hugs))) - not fun at all to see your child so upset and anxious and not be able to fix it for them