A morbid question for couples.

[Dirk]

I'm 53 and a long while ago I had a conversation with my wife about what I think she should do if I die first. I don't like the idea of her being lonely the rest of her life. I have visions of her walking the beach alone and feeling sad because I am not there. I told her that it would be alright if she remarries. She almost cried. Maybe I shouldn't have brought it up.

Do you think that she should honor my wish if she finds the right person after I die? Do you think that couples should talk about this?

 

[Angel Chicken]

I don't think it should be discussed. I hate to think about anything to do with death, and refuse to! If you die, and she doesn't want to remarry, so be it. She married you to become your husband, to love forever, even in death.

That's how I feel about it.

I love Rob and I can almost guarantee he would say the same to me. If we were your age though, I doubt I would. I could understand her remarrying if y'all were younger.

 

[HoundedByHounds]

We've discussed death...you have to when you have kids. There are things that need to be discussed and dealt with...you even need to discuss these things with other people who will perhaps be left with your children should the worst happen. You have to put things to paper as to kids, dogs, possessions, etc. Can't do that without discussing. When the Shiavo thing happened we even discussed the lifesupport issue and came to a decision on that each for the other.

We've definitely discussed it and honestly we both think that we each should carry on and live whatever life is left, grieve and move on to enjoy our kids or grandkids and whatever or whoever else life has in store at that point.

 

[Debi]

actually..no, it isn't something necessary to talk about. it only makes sense that if you love someone, you wish them nothing but happiness. so, that would mean if you were gone......then that happiness would mean they move on. it would be their choice to love again. and true love means they already KNOW it would be ok, should they be so fortunate. I think it's a teenie bit odd that you gave her permission. I know you meant well........but absolute loving someone........doesn't require your permission. sounded a little controlling....sorry.

 

[Baxter'smybaby]

I think couples should talk about their thoughts--it is hard to envision life without the ones we love. But the truth is, it happens--and it doesn't matter how young or old. Sometimes people need to know it's ok to move on--grief and guilt are funny things. Sometimes people feel guilty for having feelings for another person--I would want my husband to definitely know I would be ok with whatever choices he might make.

I have watched my 70 year old Dad deal with this very thing--he and my Mom were childhood sweethearts--married 45 years to the day of my Mother's death. Now, finding himself dealing with wanting companionship, but needing to know it is ok----so, yes, no matter the age......reasonable discussions are helpful.

 

[Renee750il]

I think that was a lovely and loving thing you did, Dirk. I didn't take it that you were giving her "permission" so much as making sure she never had to wonder how you would feel and go through all those doubts if the situation arose.

 

[Dirk]

I think I didn't choose the right words. I wasn't giving her permission. I don't like the idea of her possibly feeling lonely the rest of her life.

 

[Debi]

I guess it's all how you feel about what true, absolute love is to begin with. and your spouse. if you think she needs to know it would be ok to move on...then you did a good thing. I wouldn't consider my hubby sitting around wondering. but that's me..and us. he knows that love means to me that you are always free. in life or after.

 

[HoundedByHounds]

Yeah I didn't get the controlling aspect either...Dirk...I am digging what you are saying. I don't think my interpretation of love is the only one out there...and I don't judge other folks by my idea of love either. Way too personal for that.

 

[Saintgirl]

We've discussed it too. After a friend lost her husband, grieved and then decided to enter the dating scene again we had the talk. Neither of us feels that it would be disrespectful to the other. We love one another dearly and loving each other means we want the other to be happy, not sad and lonely. Sure, this might be common sense, but hearing one another say it may give us peace someday instead of guilt because we decided to not have this discussion. For us, true love is being able to talk about anything, even the darker sides of life.

 

[Jules]

We have talked about death- we don't have kids, but we have pets... same thing, right? And they are included in my and Dan's will, that if something happens to the both of us, my parents will take the zoo.
Before he deployed he went through the whole discussion with me... what if.. I want you to... yes, it upset me, but I knew it was important for him to let me know how he feels about certain things and this question was one of them. You never know what live brings you, you might fall down the stairs and break your neck. At least you know where your partner stands... which might make "moving on" easier when you are ready. I hope this doesn't sound cold, it is not meant to be. Anyway... Dirk, see it as a good thing that she got upset, because it shows how much she loves you. I think it is good you tried to talk to her about it... because *if* something happens the other partner will always wonder.

 

[Debi]

sorry..it was the thought that he gave 'permission' that first led me to say what I did. I don't believe that word belongs in any loving relationship. Dirk corrected me, so I get what he meant now.

I just don't ever see 'permission' and love together...sorry again for my initial response. hope that clears things a bit. before I get bashed. LOL

honestly...if you were gone tomorrow...who would even think that their spouse might not love again?? why would it even be a conversation?

 

[Aquavibe]

now that's a really morbid discussion. try to enjoy every moment spent together ... life is short, enjoy it: "Carpe diem"

 

[AndrewF]

Do you think that she should honor my wish if she finds the right person after I die? Do you think that couples should talk about this?

I think it all depends on the individuals. Personally, I can't say I would or wouldn't remarry if I was to outlive my wife but my first thought is that I wouldn't. Hopefully I won't find out one way or the other until I'm well into my 90's.

Whether Lorri remarries or not (if I was to go first) is up to her.

It's not something we've ever talked about with any kind of conviction though. Whether couples should talk about it or not depends on the couple and whether it's on your mind.

 

[smkie]

I think that was a lovely and non selfish thing for you to talk about with your wife. Since Jim died leaving me in a really hard place, i think no one should be left like this. We need to plan what we would do for our family for our pets if something should happen. THey should have our blessings and our best attempts at protection financially and emotionally. EVeryone deserves to be someone's special and no one IMO should grow old alone. You need help and love and acceptence not just from your children grown or not. I wish i could find the "right one" but i haven't yet.

 

[SharkyX]

We've talked about where our dogs will go

It's a depressing conversation, but it's likely one that needs to happen since dying is the only certainty you have in life... and unless it's some freak accident odds are one partner will be without the other for at least a while.

 

[sparks19]

honestly...if you were gone tomorrow...who would even think that their spouse might not love again?? why would it even be a conversation?

I don't think it was for his own peace of mind.... Maybe it was... I dont know... but my impression is that it was more for her peace of mind even if it doesn't bring her comfort now.

YES true love means wanting the other to be happy.... but when you are NOT happy and you are greiving like you never thought possible that can really change your perspective on things. It's eacy to say now that everyone should just know.... but when your spouse dies I don't think most people are thinking very clearly and sometimes it might help to know FOR SURE .... to have heard the words.... that you should move on and be happy. Some people don't ever move on.... some people even literally die of a broken heart..... some people enlist the help of mediums to find out the answer to this very question.

I would like to think now that I would move on if the unmentionable ever happened.... but I can't say for sure.

GOSH.... I remember when we lost Teddy.... the guilt I felt when we first went to get Beezer. If I felt guilty getting another dog.... how would I feel about getting another husband? Grief is a very powerful thing and sometimes things you thought you knew.... you aren't sure you know anymore. I knew that Teddy knew I loved him.... but NOW in his death... i wonder about it all the time. I can't help it. Grief overrides common sense a lot of the time I think.

 

[Buddy'sParents]

We've had that convo. And yes, it's important to have. Our wishes for each other, should the other die, are just as important as the love we have in the here and now.

 

[Debi]

I made another post that was lost in the usual database error thingie. lol I agree with what Andrew said. and I shouldn't have responded as 'we' think. obviously that isn't the 'norm'. we already know......so such a discussion isn't the least bit necessary. now...seeing as that isn't the norm......I again agree with Andrew. we just don't need that discussion...but I see that some couples might need that comfort. if you do..then have it. my hubby knows already that I would automatically want..and expect..him to find happiness. and love. I would want that because I love him. it's so simple to us..so I apologize if I seemed uncaring to Dirk for his thoughts.

as for planning for children....YES..you MUST do it. as for our dogs......the idea that we'd both die together is remote, so we already know whomever is left has to care for them.

 

[Dirk]

My wife says to me from time to time that I am the love of her life. That kind of makes me feel that maybe I am it for her and she will never try to find love again. As a matter of fact, she chose the song "When I fall in love, it will be forever or I will never fall in love again." I think that is what motivated me to say what I said to her.