You know you're a dog person (long but funny)

Discussion in 'Dogs - General Dog Chat' started by Gempress, Nov 7, 2006.

  1. Gempress

    Gempress Walks into Mordor

    Aug 12, 2005
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    You know you're a dog person if....

    All dates must pass your dog's inspection

    All of your clothes have dog hair on them, even when they come back from the laundromat or dry cleaners.

    You get birthday cards for each of your dogs from family, friends, and the vet. (Bonus if you keep them on the refrigerator for more than a month.)

    Every gift you ever get has something to do with dogs

    All your non-dog friends know to dress down when visiting your house

    Books and movies are ruined for you if the dog references are incorrect.

    Onlookers grimace at the sight of you sharing your sandwich with your four-legged pal, bite for bite

    Dog hair in food is just another spice.

    If you are cold, you put a sweater on your dog.

    Any conversation you're having is effortlessly directed back to the topic of dogs

    90 percent of your Internet connection time goes to the dogs (seeing what's
    new when you enter your breed into the browser, reading up on multiple
    lists, checking out photos, sounds and faqs, etc.).

    All kinds of things around the house are in need of repair, but the injured
    dog you rescued by the side of the road requires immediate surgery and out
    comes the checkbook

    All of your charitable donations go to dog-related and humane society

    All of your furniture came to you second hand or via curbside discard, but
    your dog crates are top of the line, industry premium.

    All your social activities revolve around other dog people

    Your voice is recognized by your vet's receptionist

    Anyone can look at your (pick all that apply) --- T-shirt - sweatshirt -
    coffee mug - keychain - beach towel - cooking apron - couch throw - tote
    bag - computer screen saver/wallpaper/mousepad/wristpad/monitor frame - gift wrapping paper - photographic displays - calendars - refrigerator magnets -weather vane - door mat - bumper stickers - umbrella - Christmas sweater -socks - embroidery project - child's collection of stuffed animals - sheets and bedspread - checks - checkbook covers - throw pillows - Home Pages --- and know immediately that you are a dog lover, AND probably what particular breed you favor.

    At least three of your five weeks vacation are scheduled around grooming,
    vaccinations and dental cleaning...all for the dogs!

    Complete strangers call you on the phone to ask questions because they heard you were a" dog person"

    Dog crates double as chairs and/or tables in your family room

    Everyone at the office is eager to know if the dogs are all right because you were late for the meeting

    In upstate New York this year, let's get out the map and see what else is
    interesting in that area..." or "Let's go on a walking tour or Savannah so
    we can bring the dogs along now what hotel chains allow dogs?")

    You are on an email list with other dog people and each one of them feels like more than family.

    Lintwheels are on your shopping list every week.

    More than half your grocery money goes to dog food and treats

    Most of your social life is with other dog people.

    Most of your vacation pictures are of dogs around the world.

    No matter how large your bed is, it is not large enough for you and your

    Nobody's feet are allowed on the furniture, but your dogs are welcome to
    sleep on any piece they so choose

    On your Christmas list to 'Santa' you only want crooks, whistles, jumps,
    doggie sweater, doggie 'gum ball machine', a place to have sheep, and oh
    yes, the sheep.

    Order 5x7 photos of the kids and order 16 x20 of SPOT.

    Poop has become a source of conversation for you and your significant other.

    Relative solidity of dog excrement is a suitable topic for discussion in
    mixed company.

    The cost of boarding your furkids equals that of your entire vacation

    The highlight of your day is spending time with your dog.

    The instructions to the dog kennel are longer than the instructions to the
    house sitter.

    The largest display of collectibles in the house is dog stuff -- plates,
    photos, cards, etc.

    The most exciting times on vacations, no matter where in the world you go,
    is when you get to pet a dog (a "canine fix").

    The only (or at least first) forum you log onto is the animal forum

    The only time you use your camper is for dog shows.

    The sound of any liquid hitting the floor two rooms away at 3 a.m. Is enough
    to launch you out of bed; but otherwise you can sleep through a ringing
    telephone, the alarm clock, earthquake tremors, etc.

    The thought of changing a baby's diaper makes you swoon, but you can pick up dog poop barehanded, if necessary, without batting an eye

    The total "poundage" of canines outweighs the total poundage of humans in
    the household.

    The trash basket is more or less permanently installed in the kitchen sink,
    to keep the dog out of it while you're at work.

    The whereabouts of all your important legal and personal documents escapes
    you, yet you know precisely where to locate the file that includes all the
    vet records, breed papers and registration

    To win a precious $.75 show ribbon, you think nothing to forking out
    hundreds of dollars to board/pet sit the other dogs, pay for entry fees,
    gas, accommodations and meals

    While proudly showing off your family album, your guest asks, "Isn't there
    anyone else in your family besides the dog?"

    You and the dog come down with something like flu on the same day. Your dog sees the vet while you settle for an over-the-counter remedy from the

    You and your family haven't had your annual check up in two years, but the
    dogs are all medically up to date

    You are the only idiot out walking in the pouring rain, but your dog needs
    her walk.

    You avoid vacuuming the house as long as possible because your dog is afraid
    of the vacuum cleaner.

    You become paranoid about keeping ID on your dog at all times (collar, tags,
    microchip, tattoo), but don't bother to carry any ID yourself.

    You become the family dog kennel for all your relatives

    You believe every dog is a lap dog.

    You believe it is your duty to talk to, pat, and even feed every dog in the
    neighborhood. You know their names.

    You break down and buy another pillow so you can have one to sleep on

    You buy a bigger bed that will comfortably sleep six

    You buy premium quality dog kibble for your dog, but live on take-out,
    frozen pizza, and blue-box macaroni and cheese yourself.

    You can only remember people by associating them with their dog

    You can't fully enjoy yourself without your dog.

    You can't see out the passenger side of the windshield because there are
    nose-prints all over the inside.

    You carry dog biscuits in your purse or pocket at all times.

    You carry plastic "pick-up" bags and an extra kennel lead in your purse,
    pocket, and car at all times.

    You chirp, cluck, whistle, make kissy noises, and give "stay" and "heel"
    commands to your car. (Bonus: if you do this and give the "beg" command to
    your significant other.)

    You describe your children as having temperaments rather than personalities

    You don't go to happy hours with co-workers any more because you need to go home and see your dog.
  2. Gempress

    Gempress Walks into Mordor

    Aug 12, 2005
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    You don't think it's the least bit strange to stand in the back yard
    chirping "Meg, pee!" over and over again, while Meg tends to play and forget
    what she's out there for (but what your neighbors think of your behavior is
    yet another story).

    You don't think twice about sitting on the floor because both the couch and
    the chair are completely dog full

    You go to pet supply stores on weekends because it's one of the few places
    you can take your dog. You take your dog for rides in the car; and treat him
    to a drive-thru window burger at mcdonalds on special occasions.

    You hang around the dog section of your local bookstore.

    You hate posing for pictures unless you're with your dog.

    You hate to go to the grocery store for people food, but when the dog treats
    are gone, off you go with no hesitation, even at the busiest time.

    You have 32 different names for your dog. Most make no sense, but the dog
    understands them all.

    You have a case of Summer's Eve disposable douche in the house for emergency treatment of a skunk attack. (Extra points given if a male has picked this up for you at the store.)

    You have a plastic kiddie wading pool in the back yard, but no kids. (Double
    points if you have a pool for each dog.)

    You have extra dog collars and leashes on the walls, grooming tools on the
    TV and sofa, dog beds strewn across all flat surfaces, kibble crud around
    the base of your cabinets, chew toys everywhere, dog-fur dust rhinos
    skidding across the carpet, and a long line of drips from the water bucket
    to the living room across the hardwood floors--and you don't care. (Bonus
    and automatic win if you have important company coming and you ignore all
    the housekeeping in order to groom the dogs before company arrives.)

    You have kiddie gates permanently installed at strategic locations in the
    house--but no kids.

    You have nose prints on all glass surfaces--windows,
    doors, inside the car, etc.--and you leave them there because cleaning them
    seems so futile at this point.

    You have more dog beds, chew toys, collars, leashes, harnesses, and dog
    crates than you have dogs (Bonus points if you've kept puppy collars, toys,
    and crates for "the next one").

    You have your dog talk to your friends on the phone.

    You justify the addition of a significant other in your life so you can have
    someone to hold the dogs when you're out walking in town and want to run into a store to buy coffee or ice cream.

    You justify the purchase of a larger vehicle or house because of the dogs.

    You keep an extra water dish in your second-floor bedroom, in case your dog
    gets thirsty at night (after all, her other dish is way down on the first

    You keep the heartworm medication in the refrigerator in the "deli drawer."

    You know more about canine nutrition than human nutrition (and it shows).

    You lecture people on responsible pet ownership and breed rescue whenever
    you can.

    You let the neighbor's dog sleep over.

    You like people who like your dog. You despise people who don't.

    You look at every poop in your yard before you pick it up making your
    neighbors think you are weird. (What is even better is the looks on their
    faces when you stuff the really fresh doodie into a plastic bag for safe
    keeping until you can get to the vet's.)

    You make popcorn just to play catch with your dog.

    You match your furniture/carpet/clothes to your dog.

    You meet other people with dogs, and remember their dog's call name after 30
    seconds, but don't get the owner/handler's name until you've met them 2 or 3
    times. (At which point you know the dog's registered name, lineage, show
    history, and probably only the first name of the owner/handler. Last names
    take 3-4 meetings unless you've heard about the people from other dog people

    You meet someone when out walking your dogs and you introduce your dogs

    You never think about how much money you spend on the dogs (or how much debt you could reduce by not having them around).

    You order a tailor-made dog blanket to keep your aging dog warm, but don't
    wear anything yourself that didn't come through a production line.

    You plan all vacations around dog activities/events. ("Well, our breed
    specialty is in upstate New York this year, let's get out the map and see
    what else is interesting in that area..." or "Let's go on a walking tour or
    Savannah so we can bring the dogs along--now what hotel chains allow dogs?")

    You put an extra blanket on the bed so your dog can be comfortable.

    You reach into your pockets for change, and liver treats, dog kibble, and
    pick-up bags fall all over. (Bonus: You've done this in a classy

    You read a newspaper article by pieces in the front yard and don't think
    there's anything strange about doing this.

    You readily allow your dogs to give you slobbery kisses, but you don't dare
    wipe a toddler's nose

    You refer to yourselves as Mommy and Daddy.

    You rip up the carpet and lay tile to make clean up so much easier

    You rush to get home from work in time to get some of what your spouse is
    fixing for the dogs, since s/he doesn't cook for you.

    You save up for months before a specialty show in order to round out your

    You send out especially-made holiday cards that feature you and the dogs

    You shovel a zig-zag path in the back yard snow so your dog can reach all
    her favorite spots.

    You snuggle closer to the dog than the person with whom you are sleeping

    You spend a fortune to visit another country, and spend all your time
    visiting kennels.

    You spend more time and effort grooming your dog than yourself. (And it
    shows--your dog gets more compliments than you do.)

    You spend more time looking through mail order catalogs for dog supplies
    than for Victoria's Secret nighties.

    You talk to your dog when you are driving. He answers.

    You use your down payment for a new van to have cataract surgery on your old dog and drive the van you have for 3 more years. (What good is a new van if she can't see out the window?)

    You watch simply awful movies because your breed is either featured in a
    cameo scene or there's a 3-second camera shot during a crowd scene. (Bonus points awarded if you move through the scene frame by frame or in slow motion, or if you watch the rest of the movie.)

    You'll buy anything with your breed on it--even the mug with the Malamute on
    it that looks like an anemic Siberian Husky, or the Greyhound keychain that
    looks more like an IG. (Note: People owned by rare breeds are very
    susceptible to this disease.)

    Your bedspread doesn't have to coordinate with the bedroom, as it's always
    covered with a sheet for the dogs, anyway. Ditto for the couches.

    Half your laundry is dog blankets, sheets, and beds. (Bonus: Your dog was
    sick on them and you have to sneak into the local laundromat at midnight to
    do the wash.)

    Your cookie jar has never seen the likes of people cookies

    Your dog does something wonderfully cute, and you call your friends to tell
    them about it. (Bonus: The call is long distance, to a non-dog person, and
    you keep them on the line for more than 2 hours.)

    Your dog gets his coat stripped/trimmed more often than you get a hair cut.

    Your dog gets his teeth brushed daily, scaled weekly, and dental cleaning at
    the vet's every 6-12 months--and you can't remember your dentist's name.

    Your dog gets sick and you sleep next to him in a sleeping bag in the
    kitchen in case he needs to go out.

    Your dog has the best birthday party over and above any kid in the entire

    Your family has resigned themselves to the fact that you're bringing your
    dog to all holiday gatherings (or you don't bother coming at all.)

    Your friend's dog acts as Best Dog at your wedding.

    Your mom calls and asks how the granddogs are

    Your mood today depends on how yesterday's training session went.

    Your parents give up on grandchildren and start to refer to your dogs as
    "your kids" or your children." (Bonus: they start to call them "our

    Your spouse issues the ultimatum: "It's them or me!" and you have no problem
    pointing out the suitcase

    Your trunk has an emergency food kit for any strays you might come across

    Your vet, back-up vet, emergency vet clinic, and obedience instructor are
    all programmed speed dials on your telephone.

    You're more familiar with dog laws than you are with people laws

    You're willing to drive an hour in a snowstorm to make it to obedience
    class, but can't be bothered to drive the 30 minutes to a friend's house for
    dinner or to visit.

    You've conducted a taste test for dog kibble by buying multiple brands of
    food and evaluating your dog's interest in each one. (Extra points if you
    made a party out of it and invited other friends and their dogs over. Or
    tasted it yourself.)

    You've had long meaningful discussions with your friends on the best way to
    trim your dog's nails, but have never had a manicure or pedicure in your

    You've just spent $60 on groceries and realize none of it is for yourself.
  3. Gempress

    Gempress Walks into Mordor

    Aug 12, 2005
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    ROFL! I related to so many of these that it's not even funny. Sorry for the long post, but I thought it was too good to miss.
  4. jess2416

    jess2416 Who woulda thought

    Jan 26, 2006
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    So very very true :)Those are great :D :D
  5. Zoom

    Zoom Twin 2.0

    Jul 11, 2005
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    Denver, CO
    Too many of those are oh so true... :eek:

    There are people that I've been talking to for a year at work, but unless they come in with their dog, I still can't remember their name.
  6. Rubylove

    Rubylove Training the Trainer

    Jul 4, 2005
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    Lovely sunny Perth! :-)
    And you know what else? You TALK about your dogs too much when, at a party where you haven't seen several of your friends for a while for one reason or another, nearly all of them, just after saying hello, say `How're your dogs?'

  7. Brattina88

    Brattina88 Active Member

    Jan 10, 2004
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    :lol-sign: I am SO guilty of so many of them!! :eek:
  8. Zoom

    Zoom Twin 2.0

    Jul 11, 2005
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    Denver, CO
    I actually have to spend a good portion of the day before a date thinking of non-dog subjects to talk about, because the guy I'm sort of seeing right now likes dogs, but doesn't LIKE dogs. It's harder than you might think!
  9. Rubylove

    Rubylove Training the Trainer

    Jul 4, 2005
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    Lovely sunny Perth! :-)
    Ahh how do they expect us to treat them like normal people when they don't LIKE dogs? He should be thinking of dog topics to talk about!! Lol... :D
  10. Kase

    Kase New Member

    Mar 1, 2006
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    1 dog, 2 cats and a horse on loan
    Lol I can relate too! They were so fun to read, thanks for the laugh Gempress :D.
  11. squirtsmom

    squirtsmom New Member

    Oct 25, 2006
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    That was great. G lad I am not alone.
  12. Lizmo

    Lizmo Water Junkie

    Aug 1, 2006
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    ROFL! So many of those are me!!! :lol-sign: :D
  13. Whisper

    Whisper Kaleidoscopic Eye

    Jun 9, 2006
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    4; 2 dogs, 2 cats
    Those were great! :D Guilty of sooo many of those!! :p
  14. M&M's Mommy

    M&M's Mommy Owned by 3 mutts

    Aug 9, 2006
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    The Golden State
    that's my life described :)
  15. MomOf7

    MomOf7 Evil Kitty taco eater

    Apr 25, 2006
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    LOL Perfect!!

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