When you have a disagreement/fight with your SO...

Discussion in 'The Fire Hydrant' started by ACooper, Feb 1, 2013.

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How are disagreements gotten over at your house?

  1. A simple apology is enough.

    40 vote(s)
    93.0%
  2. Labor or service normally fixes the problem.

    0 vote(s)
    0.0%
  3. GIFTS!!! Who doesn't love gifts?

    0 vote(s)
    0.0%
  4. A combination of the above.

    3 vote(s)
    7.0%
  1. ACooper

    ACooper Moderator

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    Ya, sometimes that's true.......and sometimes the cause of an arguement/disagreement can be TOTALLY one person's fault.

    It takes 2 to argue, but sometimes you only need ONE to do something hurtful, mean or decietful to get it going and in that case, YES there is one person who needs to own it.
     
  2. Fran101

    Fran101 Resident fainting goat

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    We have to apologize and say why we are sorry.
    90% of the time, we BOTH apologize because usually, it's a thing we've both done or we are sorry for something we've said or done while fighting or something lol

    We have gone to bed angry. We both share that kind of "let sit when angry" character trait. As in, if we are angry, we need SPACE AND TIME to think.
    Keep poking me, I will explode. It will get A LOT worse if I am prodded continually and made to talk about it if I'm not ready or haven't had time to cool off and get rational.

    I am worse when tired. I'm like a toddler when tired, it just turns into a tantrum. I can't be reasoned with when sleep deprived.

    It usually ends up like this.. (shouty capitals)

    "WELL IM GOING TO SLEEP BECAUSE IM TIRED!"
    "FINE!"
    "FINE"
    "WE WILL DEAL WITH THIS TOMORROW!"
    "FINE"
    ....
    "..still love you."
    "..love you too"
    " I hate fighting"
    "me too"
    "Well then stop doing stupid things"
    "I DID NOT! UGH STOP IT! IM TIRED"
    "fine."
    "fine."
    "fine."
    "FINE!"
    "FINE!"
    :rofl1:

    We wake up the next morning refreshed and had time to cool off and actually THINK about what to say/what the other person was saying.. it usually goes a lot better the next day.

    We do share one major rule
    -Nobody is allowed to storm off angry and leave.
    We both grew up with parents who were volatile with each other and used to storm off and just leave the home and it affected us both. Nobody is allowed to leave and drive off upset.
    You want space? Fine. Time? Great. But no leaving.
     
  3. Shai

    Shai & the Muttly Crew

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    I definitely leave when I am mad and upset but more likely I'm stressed in general or over work or just need space for a while to go back to being me...not mad any someone in particular. But I don't just vanish...it's more of a concrete, "I'm going for a run/walk at X park and will be back in an hour or two."

    Never really thought about my leaving being potentially upsetting...it's usually because I desperately need to recharge and don't want to pick a fight or snap reflexively so I've just developed the habit of preemptively removing myself from polite company until I am back to normal ;). We don't have kids though and I have (when calm) sat down with hubby to explain why I do that so hopefully I'm not creating issues... eep.
     
  4. sparks19

    sparks19 I'd rather be at Disney

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    I agree that the cause of an argument can be one persons actions but that doesn't give the other person a free pass to yell, scream, maybe say some mean things, and act out. One person may have been the cause and have to apologize for that but if I act out and say hurtful things(even if I didn't think they would be hurtful words at the time) I certainly need to apologize too. :)
     
  5. CharlieDog

    CharlieDog Rude and Not Ginger

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    For the most part this is how we argue lol. It doesn't happen often, but we try not to go to bed angry, and we really try hard not to leave the house angry but...


    This. Sometimes I just need him to leave or I need to leave or things are going to get thrown across the room.

    I think that's happened all of, like twice in seven years though lol. For the most part we're both mature enough to say "I was wrong for XYZ, and I am really sorry for hurting your feelings, ect"
     
  6. Fran101

    Fran101 Resident fainting goat

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    We totally say things like "I'm going for a walk, I'll be back in an hour" or "I'm going to the library/coffee shop/office, I need to cool off.. I'll be back in a few hours"
    I sometimes go to the zoo. Because I'm weird like that lol
    Especially in an apartment lol the space thing can be hard. Sometimes you just need to get OUT.
    That I totally get.

    I meant more of a storming out/driving off issue/vanishing thing. We both have got a bit of abandonment issues in that respect.
    As in oh she/he left.. never coming back/sick with worry/freak out... kind of thing. Which only makes things worse.

    I phrased it badly.. you are totally allowed to LEAVE
    you just aren't allowed to vanish.
     
  7. Taqroy

    Taqroy Active Member

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    Same here. Plus if we're fighting over something stupid we are much more likely to be rational if we stop poking at each other. The longer I'm in a fight the more mad I get and the more likely I am to say something stupid/irrational/hurtful. I don't like getting to that point, its much better to take a break so I can keep my stupid in check. :p
     
  8. stardogs

    stardogs Behavior Nerd

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    I *can't* go to bed mad. I physically can't sleep with something unresolved like that.

    That being said, I've really had to adjust to DH's argument style - he's an introvert and is NOT good at thinking on his feet, so it's much better if he gets a chance to think things over on his own for a bit before finishing a discussion. Me, however, I'm very fast on my feet in an argument and don't like to drop it until all is resolved, but my anger is really fleeting. :p Both of us hate being wrong, tho. :rofl1:

    Initially, I thought DH was stewing over the argument when he went silent (that's what my parents did, sometimes for hours), but now I know it's him thinking and if I just let him do that we can reach a resolution much faster. :)

    We haven't had an actual yelling type argument in probably 2 years now, just some heated exchanges where words were sharp, but not loud. :)
     
  9. Fran101

    Fran101 Resident fainting goat

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    What's really awesome about my messed up brain is that..

    1. If you yell at me, I will cry
    2. If I yell at you, I will cry

    guaranteed.
    It makes for interesting arguments lol my body does NOT respond well to hostility.

    My SO has a theory that this is my body's defense mechanism. As someone who avoids confrontation at all costs.. like a dog who goes on his back or that lizard that shoots blood out of it's eye or a possum who fakes dead..

    NOBODY wants to fight the crying girl :rofl1:
     
  10. xpaeanx

    xpaeanx Active Member

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    No need for gifts here.... But he will usually bring me flowers.

    Honestly, it's kind of ruined the whole getting flowers thing. I don't want gifts bc you were an ass. I want you to realize you were an ass and not do it again. LOL.

    But, we don't really fight about anything. Occasionally we'll kind of annoy each other though. LOL.
     
  11. CharlieDog

    CharlieDog Rude and Not Ginger

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    Bwahahahaha. That's totally me too! If I get REALLY angry even, I will cry. I fvcking HATE CRYING and it makes me SO MUCH MADDER that I'm crying.
     
  12. JoLeigh

    JoLeigh New Member

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    OMG that is so me I HATE crying! It doesnt help that my SO wont respond to my yelling he just sits there silent drives me nuts
     
  13. PWCorgi

    PWCorgi Priscilla Winifred Corgi

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    Ryan and I really don't ever fight/argue.


    Occasionally we (and by we I mean me) will say a sharp comment. But I feel bad, like, *instantly* and apologize.

    We have only had one real, not resolved that hour, type of argument, and that was in like the 3rd month of our relationship when I was still in PA, and it was really more of a misunderstanding than anything. That was the ONE TIME, lmao.

    I couldn't be in a relationship with a fighter. I don't even like when OTHER people fight, it makes me very uncomfortable. :eek: I also can't stand if I think people are mad at me, it makes me very uneasy.
     
  14. sparks19

    sparks19 I'd rather be at Disney

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    Here is a good video from Dr Emerson Eggerichs
    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=McpFBasK1Ks

    I wish I could find more of his love and respect series online. It is REALLY eye opening and really gets to the core about misunderstandings between men and women and how they communicate. A few people here have mentioned about how they want to keep going until resolution or keep being angry and it drives them nuts when the guy shuts down, stops talking, or leaves the room. He talks A LOT about this exact scenario (not in this video I posted but in the full series).

    It's really one of the best communication lessons I've ever seen and he delivers it wonderfully with a lot of humor and TRUTH. It's not just for married couples either, it really can change the way you communicate with EVERYONE.

    another snippet
    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2zh6TPHWMsI

    (I can't get the youtube embedding thing to work)

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gnHm82SqE8E

    I don't know if this one will work or not but this is about the "crazy cycle" and it's a good point
    https://www.facebook.com/video/video.php?v=54869815971
     
  15. SpringerLover

    SpringerLover Active Member

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    I can be a passive aggressive person at times (I'm a good Minnesotan). But I despise yelling angrily. I get upset about things, because that's normal, but I don't typically fight with people. Tim and I don't fight. It's really nice.
     
  16. sparks19

    sparks19 I'd rather be at Disney

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    Oh yeah, we don't yell at each other. We don't 'fight" in the traditional sense of screaming, yelling, stomping etc. We argue sometimes (though really not often) where we go back and forth "well what about this" "This' 'Well that's silly what about THIS" 'why are you being so negative' etc. just a back and forth exchange. Usually lasts about 15 minutes and then we both come to our senses and think WHAT THE HECK ARE WE ARGUING ABOUT. NOTHING lol. Sorry... me too.
     
  17. Samantha's pet

    Samantha's pet New Member

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    Apology is fine. It's like pulling teeth to get one out of the hubs so I am more than happy with that, lol. Normally we just bicker or disagree and if it's literally just a disagreement we just have to agree to disagree and drop it. That is usually the situation. How can you apologize for having a different opinion or view of the situation? It is what it is. That's what most of our "fights" consist of and I am not going to apologize for my opinion, nor would I expect him to.

    There's never really a clear situation where one of us does something "wrong". I mean, we both do what is expected of us and we never lie to each other so it's never really a case of "right" or "wrong" or being in "trouble" or anything.
     
  18. *blackrose

    *blackrose "I'm kupo for kupo nuts!"

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    I do that, too, Fran. Alas, it doesn't work for me. I get even more mad when I cry because, well, I'm crying, and why am I crying, this is so stupid, why am I being an idiot and crying? and then I'm mad at myself and the other person and am just a messed up ball of issues. LOL

    I've read his book. :) Highly recommend it as well.
     
  19. Dogdragoness

    Dogdragoness Happy Spring!!!!

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    I cry when I get my feelings hurt by my OH when we fight (because let's face it ... Sometimes people fight even the best couples fight).

    But my first response is hostility when Im "threatened", I guess it stems from being horribly picked on as a child & also living at racetracks for so long.
     
  20. sparks19

    sparks19 I'd rather be at Disney

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    That is a lot of peoples response... Hostility and it's why we often don't hear the persons heart and how they are feeling we just hear the things that make us defensive.

    "when she feels unloved she responds without respect, when he feels he isn't being respected he responds unlovingly, when she feels he is being unloving she responds without respect, when he feels she doesn't respect him he responds unlovingly" and that is the cycle and arOund it goes until someone stops it and says I'm sorry and means it.
     

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