We're still alive/horrid break-ups?

Discussion in 'The Fire Hydrant' started by PlottMom, Dec 30, 2011.

  1. Beanie

    Beanie Clicker Cult Coordinator

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    If I were anywhere near you, I would smack you across the face and tell you to STOP IT.
    Seriously.
    Stop it.

    Quit talking to him. I don't care what your excuse is - your thoughts are destructive and you need to stop it. You know it's bad, so stop it.
     
  2. PlottMom

    PlottMom The Littlest Hound

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    I don't want to be smacked. I want to lie here until I die.

    And Renee, he's 36. Or, he will be, in February, when I'll be 27. So he's not REALLY old. *sigh*

    I know my thoughts are destructive I just don't know how to STOP THEM.
     
  3. Paige

    Paige Let it be

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    It wasn't some long term relationship in hindsight but my son's father dumped me when I was six months pregnant because he "couldn't deal with this anymore"... and I found out two days later he was dating another girl. I then had to put up with him and her dropping in and out of my son's life playing parents when they wanted to because they are selfish twats. It took me a long time to let go entirely but I finally have. If you don't NEED to talk to him don't. It never helps.

    I have met and started to make a life with an amazing man. If he could walk out on you like that after three years he is not the man you should be with anyways. Take your time to heal and when you are least expecting it someone worth being with will come along.

    Takes a lot more than love to make a relationship work. You can love him till you are blue in the face. It isn't going to make it all better. So instead love yourself and move on hun.

    And vent. We are here for it. <3
     
  4. Zoom

    Zoom Twin 2.0

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    On a completely clinical note: If you were having condomless sex with him on a regular basis, you are also most likely going through semen withdrawl, which intensifies the break-up feelings. :p Out of left field, I know, but there you have it.

    I dated this one guy, it was only for about 9 months and it was the most turbulent, tumultuous relationship I'd ever had. There were times were I never thought a relationship could be that much fun and then I was left staggering at how much of a f*cking @sshole he could be. We went overseas on a trip, had one of the best times of my life (I'm now at the point I can look back at that trip fondly again), he asked me to move in, discussed adding me on some key things...and then a week after we got back, he cheated on me with his bat-sh*t crazy ex (who showed up a 3am one morning, trying to break in to "talk").

    I'd made the mistake a couple of times of listening when he said he missed me and realized just how big of a mistake he'd made in breaking things off. Even after the whole cheating thing, where I moved not only states but timezones to get away from him and the whole smoking wreckage, I was still so wrapped up in him and he was doing all the "right" things you see in the movies--sending me flowers every week, presents, etc.--that I went for it again. A third time. I don't often make the same mistake, but apparently when I do, I make sure it's a doozy. :p

    Anyhow, the final time was when I finally realized that I couldnt' take the up and down (and knowing he probably was going to/had already cheated with Psycho again) and I made the clean break. I told him exactly what I thought about him in his driveway and then drove back to Colorado and I've never contacted, nor had contact, with him since. Despite his best efforts. Daily text and IM messages. Getting mutual friends to tell me just how "heartbroken" he was, what a changed man, blah blah blah.

    I dreamed about him at least a couple times a week for nearly a year after that and he still occasionally makes appearances over three years later. Only person I've ever dated to do so. He was so totally the wrong guy and I feel that his chapter in my story was to show me things I may never have experienced on my own-- and to provide a foil to the amazing guy I'm dating now. I adore Ted like you wouldn't believe, but I know that some small part of it is that I have a perfect idea of just how great he is as a boyfriend, because I've been with the up and down type.
     
  5. Taqroy

    Taqroy Active Member

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    Honestly, I think your wallowing time is over. It never worked for me anyway - it just led to obsessing. Which is what you appear to be doing now and it's bad. And I, like Beanie, would smack you if I were closer. I would feel guilty over it but you need to snap out of it. The only person you're hurting with this is yourself. He LEFT you. He's just toying with you now because he feels bad about hurting you but he obviously still feels he made the right choice.

    I'm really truly sorry that you're hurting so badly. You need a new foster, or a friend, or a new hobby, or to go to a dog show. You need a really awesome distraction.
     
  6. -bogart-

    -bogart- Member of WHODAT Nation.

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    Or he is just loving having this much power over you. Sex is all fine and dandy , but get a personal toy and satisfy yourself. Men are so not needed most of the time! lol


    I wish you would feel better and realize you DESERVE someone who loves you for you.

    Please please please dont destroy yourself over someone . YOU ARE BETTER THAN THAT!
     
  7. ~Tucker&Me~

    ~Tucker&Me~ and Spy.

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    WHAT?! Really? :rofl1: Can you link me to where you got that information... I need to see evidence! :popcorn:
     
  8. ~Tucker&Me~

    ~Tucker&Me~ and Spy.

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  9. Beanie

    Beanie Clicker Cult Coordinator

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    That. I'm sure that is at least part of it.

    Don't worry about your thoughts; worry about your ACTIONS. Those you CAN control. Don't call him, don't take his calls, don't talk to him. THAT you can stop. And when you've stopped those, the thoughts will also start to go away. But as long as you keep that connection there, you're only going to keep the "well but maybe he'll suddenly be overwhelmed at how fantastic I am!" thoughts going. You will not heal like that. You'll just continue wanting to lay there.

    Get up and get on with your life WITHOUT him... that is the only way you will be able to get on with your life without him. Because "without him" is your life now. He broke up with you. You need to break up with him too.
     
  10. sparks19

    sparks19 I'd rather be at Disney

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    put an elastic on your wrist... everytime you think about calling or texting him SNAP IT. lol seriously. Make sure it stings.

    Even though you don't want to ... get up and go out. Even if it's just to the grocery store or something. But get up and leave the house. shower, get dressed (NOT in pajamas) and go out somewhere.

    Give yourself a challenge. Don't contact him or answer his calls for 48 hours or however long you set the goal for (must be 24 hours or more)

    Like Zoom, I was with a man who was horrid. I didn't know it at the time but I was a shell of my former self. He was horrid but I couldn't break free of him. I felt like I NEEDED him.. that I couldn't be without him and that there wouldn't ever be anyone else who would want me (not a healthy relationship in a lot of ways) even though I was settling. I wasn't happy with him, I didn't love him but I didn't know it then. He was a horrible horrible person and one day he broke up with me and I jsut wanted to die. I called him constantly. I begged him to come back. for two weeks this went on. finally I stopped calling... that was when he called me.

    we got back together and things got worse. He lorded his power over me, I never saw or talked to my friends. I was in a major depression. I dont' know how I finally snapped out of it but I did and told him to get out.

    it was a horrid part of my life BUT I believe having that relationship is what straightened me out and taught me a VALUABLE lesson about what kind of man I wanted to spend my life with. So it seems awful and senseless now but one day you will find out the lesson.
     
  11. PlottMom

    PlottMom The Littlest Hound

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    I am showering & dressing up & makeup-ing & gunning for a promotion at work & getting a new foster etc etc etc ad nauseum. Why do I feel so effing empty?!? Lol
     
  12. ~Dixie's_Mom~

    ~Dixie's_Mom~ ♥Chloe & Violet♥

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    You will. Maybe for a long time. Just focus on what you have in your life instead of what you dont. People told me time healed everything and I didn't believe it. At. All. But now I do. I'm happier than I've ever been.
     
  13. PlottMom

    PlottMom The Littlest Hound

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    Thanks for the encouragement/"this too shall pass" - it's been immensely helpful. My mom's in the "get over it it's been a month" camp, but it still hurts... it was kinda my life going up in smoke. But yea, I'll shut up now. Lol
     
  14. Dakotah

    Dakotah Kotah BEAR

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    This.
    I was with my ex (though it was a she, not a he, but still feelings where there), anyways, we were together for almost 2.5 years. It KILLED me when I found she cheated on me.
    But guess what? It took me shorter than expected to get over her, and a lot of it had to do with the people here, Chazzers. They helped me through it, listened to my sobbing, held my hand, and talked some sense into me.

    THIS, also.
    I have used this technique a few times in my life, trust me, it works lol
     
  15. joce

    joce Active Member

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    As long as you talk to him it's dragging it out. You have to cut contact or it's keeping it fresh, it's not been a month to you.

    If you feel a need to talk to him write and write. Fill notebooks. But give yourself you time now. ((hugs))
     
  16. PlottMom

    PlottMom The Littlest Hound

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    Thank you! I've heard that and I think I'll start. Writing seems to help, a lot. We make the kids do it a lot... it's very therapeutic.
     
  17. Renee750il

    Renee750il Felurian

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    That ten year thing. At some point, with that difference, a lot of men start with the "when I'm X and OLD she's still going to be X and YOUNG and she'll want to be with someone who isn't old and in the way."

    Stupid, but that's part of it all too often, and there's not a damnthing you can do to change it. It's in THEIR head and nothing and no one else can change it -- only them, and they rarely do.

    ((((((((((HUGS)))))))))))

    And you keep talking it out, and writing it out really does help. Lots.
     
  18. Skivvies

    Skivvies New Member

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    Writing is a great idea. When I was going through a difficult breakup, I wrote him a nasty multi-page letter about how much he hurt me and why I'd be better off without him. I didn't send it obviously, but it felt so good to get those thoughts out so I didn't have to continue dwelling on them. Seeing those thoughts on paper made them seem more real and valid in a strange way.

    And like everyone said...don't talk to him. You need time away from him to heal. And don't sleep with him, it will only hurt you more.

    Just keep getting through it. Keep getting dressed, going out, doing other activities even if they seem difficult. As impossible as it seems, it will get better over time and you'll get through it!
     
  19. Zoom

    Zoom Twin 2.0

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    I also echo the writing thing. You should see all the drafts I have of letters to various people over the years that never got sent, but boy did it feel good to get it out.
     
  20. Paige

    Paige Let it be

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    Same here.I actually have a list a mile long over the last 18 months of why I hate my ex. Dumb things he says and how idiotic he is. Used to write in it multiple times a day. Last entry was months ago because I just don't think of him that much.

    SUCCESS

    /hugs

    You will get through this. One step at a time.
     

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