We're still alive/horrid break-ups?

Discussion in 'The Fire Hydrant' started by PlottMom, Dec 30, 2011.

  1. Hubby has PTSD and TBI from his last deployment... I'm not gonna lie, he can be a wanker sometimes, but he's never treated Winnie the dogs or myself badly, and he's certainly never left us (I'm not saying he treated you badly, just for the record because a lot of people here know my track record with my X) so maybe you could blame PTSD or the TBI, but I wouldn't. Maybe you need to get some counseling TOGETHER if he's willing to try it, but give him space and let him approach you. If he doesn't, then it wasn't meant to be, and frankly I think you deserve better.

    I have a long crappy ending relationship story, but everyone here already knows it, and you know what? I ended up in a Cinderella story, and so will you. You know why? Because you deserve the REAL one. <3
     
  2. Dakotah

    Dakotah Kotah BEAR

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    If anyone here can tell you something real, its Tiff.
     
  3. Bahamutt99

    Bahamutt99 Dafuq?

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    All I can do is commiserate. My husband was my "kennel partner" in my kennel of 3. We had a home and I thought there was enough love and common interest to see us through our other problems. It did not work. I was with him for 7 years and have been essentially single for the last 3 since we split. There are days when I feel like you feel, PlottMom. I am going to be 32 in a few months, and I'm starting over with few prospects, no kids, and no real idea of what I'm doing. So yeah, you might say "I feel ya."
     
  4. Beanie

    Beanie Clicker Cult Coordinator

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    Yes x100 million to everything Fran said... do not call him or text him or ask "why why why?" The truth is you DON'T really need to know the answer to why. And let's be honest - is there REALLY an answer to that question that will make you go "Oh okay" and make everything better or everything suddenly make sense? There's not. So don't torture yourself seeking an answer that isn't going to help you feel any better anyway.
    All you really need to know is he is not The One... and it's over.


    I don't know just how you feel but I do hear you for sure. I've been there... wondering how it's possible there is any other guy out there for you because surely this guy was THE ONE... and it makes no sense anybody could ever be a better match...
    but I can also tell you that, with time and distance and a lot of healing of the heart, you might be surprised at how much of a better match you can find...

    I'll be 28 in June and I've been through a number of totally wrong guys and a very select few that I thought were right... I know lots of people here will probably tell you 27 and 28 is way too young to feel like you'll be alone forever, but sometimes I feel that way too. On the other hand, sometimes I think it might not be so bad after all to die alone as the Crazy Dog Lady, LOL...

    (((((((HUGE HUGS))))))) and please, please, if you need to vent, please post here... we're all here for you. Don't hold it in, don't suffer alone, don't think you HAVE to be alone. We're all right here.
     
  5. sparks19

    sparks19 I'd rather be at Disney

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    well yes... it usually makes the other person angry to have the decision made for them but it doesn't change that that's how some people feel and can't get over that feeling. for some reason people with a "problem" (real or imagined) honestly believe that the other person would just be better off without having to deal with their problems and that they deserve better. Right or wrong... it happens all the time :(
     
  6. Dreeza

    Dreeza Active Member

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    These two sum it up so well, thanks Fran for being as inspirational as ever!!!

    Plott, you deserve nothing other than the best. If he can;t give that to you, then no matter how right it seemed, he just is not your soulmate. Know that all of us here on Chaz are here for you...please keep us updated.
     
  7. Renee750il

    Renee750il Felurian

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    The best advice for starters -- and the one that's going to be hardest to take, is DO NOT CALL, DO NOT TEXT, DO NOT CONTACT HIM.

    Take that from someone who has been there, done that, made the mistakes, learned it the hard way.

    You did absolutely right for yourself by doing the mini-makeover thing :)

    Hug your dogs. Seriously. Be the crazy dog lady for as long as you feel like it.

    Lick your wounds in your den for awhile. Even a leopardess needs time to retreat and recover.

    Get angry. Don't make excuses for him. You don't have to stay angry at him, but you do need to BE angry with him for awhile.

    Some of the best advice I ever got came from a guy who told me to get rid of all the pillows and sheets from "then." GREAT advice.

    ((((((HUGS)))))))

    And yah, you gotta live through it. ;) Just let the pain flow through -- it eases up faster than if you dam it up.
     
  8. PlottMom

    PlottMom The Littlest Hound

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    ugh. the don't text/call/contact advice is the hardest. i still love him so g-d much, and we were friends for sooo long.

    chaz, as always, is a wealth of support. thanks, everyone. i just feel so defeated most days. :(

    i still have way too many dreams about him, and can still vividly see our kids.
     
  9. Renee750il

    Renee750il Felurian

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    Hurts like a mutha, doesn't it . . . It really does ease up, even though part of you doesn't want it to.
     
  10. PlottMom

    PlottMom The Littlest Hound

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    it is the most painful thing i have ever been through - physically & mentally. :(
     
  11. Renee750il

    Renee750il Felurian

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    There was one, once, that I didn't think I was going to make it through. Felt like half my soul had been ripped away, and it was senseless, like this.

    I spent the better part of three months lying in bed at night until exhaustion took over, listening to "Nothing Else Matters" on repeat on the iPod. Literally cried myself to sleep most nights. Cried until I puked a few times.

    I'm good now. Better than I've ever been, actually. Weirdly.

    Check your profile page messages.
     
  12. Dizzy

    Dizzy Sit! Good dog.

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    Urgh this is no fun :(

    Maybe things will resolve, maybe they won't... either way you KNOW you're not going to feel like this forever, and that's what you have to hold on to.

    I am with the only person I have ever wanted a future with, and I can't lie, that insecure little part of me sometimes wonders what would happen if he just changed his mind... morbid curiosity killed the cat eh!

    I think the not knowing why he changed his mind bit is the bit that would kill me..... I hate that. But in the face of not knowing, you have to try and eek the positives from it... if he did this to you, and made you feel this bad, then how could he be the one? Maybe this is because you haven't actually met them yet.
     
  13. smkie

    smkie pointer/labrador/terrier Staff Member

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    Speaking as the crazy old dog lady who is awfully happy about it, there are worse things! YOu can eat when you want. YOU can take the car when you want. YOur money is your money. You can go on dates if you want or not if you want. When the dogs tear up the water bed and the feather pillows and you come home finding wet feathers hanging from the ceiling and the clothes in the closet there is no one to say "YOUR GD DOGS >>>>" even if they were his dogs too. No one makes fun of your friends, or sees nasty things in your art that you did not put there. My list could go on for hours. I had a fellow I dated a couple years back, he flew up for the weekend for a few months. The first time I was happy to see him, then worn out by the time he left, then dreaded his coming. The last time I said "don't come back". He broke me of the whining for a fella for the rest of my life. So if you do end up 50 and on your own, you just might not mind it as much as you think!!!! I am sorry you are going through the emotional wreckage of a break up. I don't miss having my heart yanked out of me and served on a plate. Try to enjoy yourself, be free, be happy about it and then maybe in the future things will work out with someone but if they don't........it won't matter. would I like a hug, sure, would I like someone bitching all day about this or that, nada.- My Mom felt the same way after 27 years of marriage and has never looked back. She had had enough of that.
     
  14. PlottMom

    PlottMom The Littlest Hound

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    Ugh. I'm still heartbroken. But I'm surviving, and enjoying my job(s) and my dogs...

    thing is I can't stop talking to him! Not often, just stupid stuff... but still.

    And I really, really want him back in my bed but I'm sure I'll end up dead, right?? Tell me I'd die. Because it's really hard not to have him over right now... I have this irrational feeling that "at least I'll have a foot in the door..." and maybe he'll remember we were awesome at one point.

    But apparently I'm really stressful - he said "I needed to break up with you I feel bad but I'm more relaxed and being me more" WTF?! I don't think I'm that difficult :(
     
  15. HayleyMarie

    HayleyMarie Like a bat outa' hell

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    All I can do is send you some big HUGS! And thats a terrible thing to hear, I hope life starts to straighten out for you and you get back on path. Break ups can be suck a **** off!
     
  16. Fran101

    Fran101 Resident fainting goat

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    Quote from the break up girl bible, "He is just not that into you"
    (I used to keep these ON MY WALL)

    On the "I miss you.."

    Don't be flattered that he misses you. He should miss you. You're deeply missable. However, he's still the same person who just broke up with you. Remember, the only reason he can miss you is because he's choosing, every day, not to be with you.

    Everyone wants to be loved and needed, particularly by the person who just broke up with us. I understand. What could be better than hearing from the man who just told you he didn't want you in his life anymore ... his sad, wistful, "I miss you so much" voice on the other end of the phone? It's validating. It's exciting. It's irresistible. But resist you must.

    A man who wants to make a relationship work will move mountains to keep the woman he loves. If he's not calling you to tell you he loves you and wants you back, it should only be because he's showing up at your new residence to do it in person ... if he's not doing any of that, he may love you, he may miss you, but ultimately he's just not that into you. Stop taking his calls and let him know what it's like to live without you.


    ON BREAK UPs

    Breakups, are supposed to be just that. Breaks. Hard, clean breaks. No talking, no seeing, no touching ... keep your hands to yourself. The relationship is over. Half the people I know move after a huge breakup, and frankly that makes perfect sense to me. You're not supposed to sleep with the guy who just broke your heart a week ago.

    Fine. Next time I'm in this situation I'll cry. Stay in bed and wail. Go to the gym if I can. Call all my friends and burden them with my misery. Sleep too much. Cry some more. See my therapist more often. Get a puppy. Do whatever I have to so eventually I can move on.

    Breakup sex still means you're broken up.

    Cut him off. Let him miss you.

    He doesn't need to be reminded that you're great.

    There's a guy out there who's going to be really happy that you didn't get back together with your crappy ex-boyfriend.

    The reason it's so painful when someone disappears is you have to face the fact that the person you loved had probably left you a long time before he grabbed his coat and scrammed. The part part is realizing that he was lying to you, in some way, before the moment of vanishing.

    Don't give him the chance to reject you again.

    No matter how powerful and real your feelings may be for someone, if that person cannot fully and honestly return them and therefore actively love you back, these feelings mean nothing.

    Being lonely ... being alone ... for many people ... sucks. I get it, I get it, I get it. But still I have to say that yes, my belief is that being with somebody who makes you feel crappy or doesn't honor the person you are is worse.

    Life is hard enough as it is without choosing someone difficult to share it with.

    You deserve to be with someone who is nice to you all the time.

    ON GETTING BACK TOGETHER:
    Deciding to get back together with someone is a complicated and difficult decision. Just remember that the person you are getting back together with is the same person who, not long before, looked you in your beautiful face, took full stock of you and all your qualities, and told you that he was no longer in need of your company.



    I'm sorry to be this girl. I know these things hurt to read and hurt to hear but somebody needs to say them and please dear god, you need to REALLY LISTEN TO THEM.

    Sweetie, you deserve better.
    You deserve somebody who loves you, in all your awesomeness, and who looks at you and knows there is nobody in the world he would rather be with.

    I don't think he's this evil guy... I think he's a young guy who went way in over his head very early in life and needs time to just be.. a guy. a single guy. and atleast he is being honest with you.

    and now it's time for you to be honest with yourself

    Forget what you feel.
    and remember what you DESERVE

    and what you deserve is not this guy or holding onto a relationship that isn't there anymore.

    and I say this because I HAVE BEEN THERE. Right where you are now.
    and I know what it's like to think "Oh well having him in my life as something is better than nothing"
    No.
    He isn't fit to be your friend, your sex buddy, or your anything right now. It will only make the pain worse the more you avoid the dirty truth that this relationship is over.

    Turn the page and move on. and only then, when both of you have grown and experienced and healed from this.. can you even consider becoming anything with each other.
     
  17. PlottMom

    PlottMom The Littlest Hound

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    He's not young he's an old man. Lol

    And this has nothing to do with me trying to fool myself into thinking he misses me - it has everything to do that now that I'm not having se umpteen times a day I'm breaking out ;) seriously though... I know it's a bad idea.
     
  18. OutlineACDs

    OutlineACDs Crazy Dog!

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    What Fran said. All of it.

    Everyone has to make their own mistakes and live their own lives, but you'll be better off for it if you just break it off.

    No what if's, because if he wants to make it happen, it will happen. No amount of pushing on your part will make it any easier. Just let it go. Call someone else to talk, dont call him. If he wants to hear from you, he will call you.

    Like what Fran said, I'm not trying to sound mean, but I've been there too. Was with a guy going on 6 years and he broke it off. I did what you want to do. I was no better off for it, I learned my lesson and I finally let it go. My life is so much better now, over a year later, but at the time, I couldn't see anything else but him.
     
  19. Fran101

    Fran101 Resident fainting goat

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    Oh I wasn't even referring to the sex really..I was talking about this

    lol cause that is a mighty dangerous road..

    But if it's really just the sex then I found that the gym helps.. come home exhausted, take a shower, fall into bed and just crash lol

    Oh and breakups for some reason=break outs for some lol. It's probably a combo of lack of sex and bad food lol plus I don't know about you but post-breakup I tend to go into a pretty bad "I'm just gonna lay in bed and not shower" phase.. lol
     
  20. Renee750il

    Renee750il Felurian

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    Wait . . . how old is "old?"

    I might have some insight into that territory for you ;)
     

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