This is what a stay-at-home mom does all day

[CaliTerp07]

good old studies lol

I'm sure you could find studies stating the opposite too. that's kind of the problem with studies, you can basically prove whatever point you are trying to make.

I'm not saying SAHM's are better than working moms or anything like that but I don't put too much stock in anything "studies" say these days.

So what do you put stock in? Anecdotes? If the study is done by an impartial source (tough to find in some disciplines, easier in others), with a large sample size and impartial measurement, then I tend to trust it over "My mom did this and it worked so I'll do it too."

I mean, if you measure 10000 high school seniors' SAT scores across the country and break them apart by working moms/stay at home moms, that's a pretty good study to analyze long term cognitive effects. If you look in a single neighborhood at 100 kids and base ability on grades in school, that's a pretty shoddy one.

The number one indicator of cognitive ability in children is financial level of the parents. Second is their parents' education level. (You could easily argue that those two are rather closely tied together). There are really cool studies conducted in just about any country you could have interest in documenting that moms going to work has zero effect on the kid's development. It's far, far more important that mom is happy and content in whatever path she chooses. If work is going to make her feel like she's abandoning her kid, or stress her out from trying to do it all, she shouldn't do it. If staying home is going to make her feel like she's not an asset or overwhelm her, she shouldn't do it. Kiddos pick up on that very quickly.

 

[Shai]

I was just saying my mom did, IMO, a great job. How she did as a mom really has no bearing on how anyone else chooses to mother.

Though it has a bearing on how I choose to mother. Or rather, on how I've chosen to not be a mother so far. I am not at this time prepared to make the sacrifices I would need to make in order to be the kind of mother I would expect myself to be. Again, a personal decision that does not change whether anyone else in the world is a good parent.

no one is saying anything otherwise. not one person has said that stay at home moms are superior but there seems to be this idea that we all just pull a "peg bundy" and sit around eating bon bons all day.

My mother worked too.

 

[Romy]

So what do you put stock in? Anecdotes? If the study is done by an impartial source (tough to find in some disciplines, easier in others), with a large sample size and impartial measurement, then I tend to trust it over "My mom did this and it worked so I'll do it too."

I mean, if you measure 10000 high school seniors' SAT scores across the country and break them apart by working moms/stay at home moms, that's a pretty good study to analyze long term cognitive effects. If you look in a single neighborhood at 100 kids and base ability on grades in school, that's a pretty shoddy one.

The number one indicator of cognitive ability in children is financial level of the parents. Second is their parents' education level. (You could easily argue that those two are rather closely tied together). There are really cool studies conducted in just about any country you could have interest in documenting that moms going to work has zero effect on the kid's development. It's far, far more important that mom is happy and content in whatever path she chooses. If work is going to make her feel like she's abandoning her kid, or stress her out from trying to do it all, she shouldn't do it. If staying home is going to make her feel like she's not an asset or overwhelm her, she shouldn't do it. Kiddos pick up on that very quickly.

I think she's talking about the fact that studies exist like this one http://www.cbsnews.com/2100-500172_162-563639.html which say the opposite.

Anyway, I do think you're right that overall,the mom's emotional health is of primary importance to her children's emotional health, regardless of whether she stays home or goes to work.

For me, yeah staying at home is a lot of work. But, most of my previous jobs were in day care or as a nanny. The nanny jobs were hard because in addition to doing SAHM stuff I had to do housekeeping, and most of my bosses expected dinner to be made and their house to look like Sunset magazine at the end of the day. Then I'd go home and have to do the same thing over again. It was especially exhausting when I had my own kids tagging along to work. It's a huge relief to only have to worry about one house and one set of kids now. Well, sort of... I live with my 4 year old niece and 1 year old nephew too now. lol

 

[sparks19]

The reason I don't put much stock in studies is because there are so many that contradict the other. I am sure you could find studies that prove the exact opposite of the one you read. Plus people are so different from one another that I don't know how you can say exactly what and why each person is the way they are, without finding specific character traits to base the study on. In other words it seems they would have to pick and choose the "type" of person to support their hypothesis and leve out others that don't. Just doesn't seem like the kid if thing where you could say "see this is how it is for everyone because my study says so"

I put stock in my experiences with my own life and the lives of others i observe. My mother was not a stay at home mom and I turned out fine (although I guess that could be up for debate LOL) and I am a stay at home mom and I am sure Hannah will also turn out just fine. I don't think one is superior to the other. I think every family is different and thats why I think these kinds of studies are kind of bogus.

 

[ACooper]

Ah........the old "Must be nice" comment I love it too........

Sometimes I just want to get snarky and say if you think so, then cut back on all the (what I consider) luxuries and do it too!

I've been on both sides of the coin, and even in the middle. With my first baby I worked TWO jobs (a full time and a part time) until he was 9 years old. With my second baby, I was completely stay at home until he started kindergarten, then I worked part time at the school, was home when he was home. By the time he went to second grade I was working at an office. I left about the time he got on the bus and was home about 1/2 hour after he got in. Now I am stay home (last couple years) since getting laid off.

Can't say I've seen a big difference between the two boys so far. My oldest is a very good guy. 22, doesn't use alcohol or drugs, doesn't have a baby or two floating around like so many of his friends. He goes to work every day, attends college classes, pays his bills, and I'm proud of him. So obviously me working 2 jobs didn't turn him into a degenerate, LOL

I have NEVER lacked in work that needed doing. 5 kids, 5 bedroom house, yard, pets, and husband ensures that. Us cutting many luxuries and me staying home also ensures we have family time on the weekends instead of Kevin and I having to work all weekend doing the yard, groceries, laundry, whatever. That part of it IS nice..........it's just the other part that is hectic, LOL

 

[LindaJD]

When people would say to me "it must be nice" I always just said "yes it is" seemed to **** them off even more.
I worked for the first 9 months of my sons life, quit work when I got pregnant with the second. I did find it harder going to work than staying home. I enjoyed staying home with my kids and felt lucky that I could afford to.

 

[zoe08]

The reason I don't put much stock in studies is because there are so many that contradict the other. I am sure you could find studies that prove the exact opposite of the one you read. Plus people are so different from one another that I don't know how you can say exactly what and why each person is the way they are, without finding specific character traits to base the study on. In other words it seems they would have to pick and choose the "type" of person to support their hypothesis and leve out others that don't. Just doesn't seem like the kid if thing where you could say "see this is how it is for everyone because my study says so"

I put stock in my experiences with my own life and the lives of others i observe. My mother was not a stay at home mom and I turned out fine (although I guess that could be up for debate LOL) and I am a stay at home mom and I am sure Hannah will also turn out just fine. I don't think one is superior to the other. I think every family is different and thats why I think these kinds of studies are kind of bogus.

I agree, you can find studies done to match whatever your argument is. I think the biggest thing is, who are these people to tell us what's best for our children? Really I don't care what studies say, what your friends/family do, the problem is that everyone wants to tell us how to parent our children, from whether or not they should be in childcare/preschool, what they should eat, what kind of school they should attend, etc, etc. We are the parents and we should do what is best for our children and our family. If that means staying at home, ok, if it means working, ok.

However if you WANT to stay at home DO IT, don't sit there and tell me how you want to but can't afford to stay at home when your husband makes more money than mine does and we manage to make it just fine!

 

[eddieq]

SAHM's are superheros in every way. My wife stayed home with our kids for several years. When the kids were very small, I had my regular job, took on a waitering job at night plus mowed lawns on the side in the summers so that she'd be able to do that. So the "must be nice" thing drives me especially crazy. We made a choice that the kids would get the "mom time" and besides, if she went back to work, after daycare, she'd be pretty much working full time for a net of about 40 bucks a week. Economically, it made better sense for her not to return to work.

 

[CaliTerp07]

if she went back to work, after daycare, she'd be pretty much working full time for a net of about 40 bucks a week. Economically, it made better sense for her not to return to work.

I hear this argument a lot, but I don't think it's true for the majority of the population (at least, the college educated population). (Not saying it wasn't for you).

Day care here is some of the highest in the country--up to $2000/month per infant in the top facilities. But then there are discounts for multiple kids, it's cheaper if you use a home care facility, etc. Lots of people do nanny shares around here, and it's very possible to find great child care for $1200/month. Suppose you have 2 kids, so now you're paying $2000/month (it's less once one is out of diapers or no longer an infant). $2k*12 = $24k. Most people make way more than $24k, even after taxes. (The MEDIAN household income here is $110k) Once you start talking 4-5 kids, it absolutely doesn't make financial sense to go to the office, but if you've only got 2 kids, fiscally it makes sense to work. Especially when you take into account promotions, seniority, the effect taking 5+ years off from your career is going to have when you try to be rehired into the work force, etc.

People claim that going to work costs money, since you have to commute, buy new clothes, eat lunch, etc--but I bring my lunch to work (same lunch I'd eat at home), average maybe $500/year on new clothes, and commute all of 7 miles. The expense isn't very much.

It's not a financial decision though--in most cases, it's an emotional one. Which is completely, 100%, totally fine.

 

[eddieq]

I hear this argument a lot, but I don't think it's true for the majority of the population (at least, the college educated population). (Not saying it wasn't for you).

Day care here is some of the highest in the country--up to $2000/month per infant in the top facilities. But then there are discounts for multiple kids, it's cheaper if you use a home care facility, etc. Lots of people do nanny shares around here, and it's very possible to find great child care for $1200/month. Suppose you have 2 kids, so now you're paying $2000/month (it's less once one is out of diapers or no longer an infant). $2k*12 = $24k. Most people make way more than $24k, even after taxes. (The MEDIAN household income here is $110k) Once you start talking 4-5 kids, it absolutely doesn't make financial sense to go to the office, but if you've only got 2 kids, fiscally it makes sense to work. Especially when you take into account promotions, seniority, the effect taking 5+ years off from your career is going to have when you try to be rehired into the work force, etc.

People claim that going to work costs money, since you have to commute, buy new clothes, eat lunch, etc--but I bring my lunch to work (same lunch I'd eat at home), average maybe $500/year on new clothes, and commute all of 7 miles. The expense isn't very much.

It's not a financial decision though--in most cases, it's an emotional one. Which is completely, 100%, totally fine.

For us, it was 100% true, as my wife, at the time, was only earning approximately $200 a week take home (she is not college educated). Daycare was $160 a week. She'd have been, essentially, working for $1 an hour. It made zero sense for her to go back to work at that point.

 

[sparks19]

yeah it's also true for us. Where I was working before I was making $8 an hour. so paying out for childcare really just did NOT make any sense.

So there are emotional and financial reasons as well as I just feel this was the best choice for us and for Hannah. For example, today we were driving home from our outing today and we had the music up in the van and while I was at a stop light I was watching Hannah in the mirror and she was getting her groove on LOL and I was trying to keep my laughter quiet so she wouldn't hear me LOL and it just made me think about all the stuff I would be missing if I was working full time. I could have missed her first steps, her first word, her first smile etc and I'd be missing out on these little things that happen during our days together. I didn't want to feel like I was missing everything and I knew that's how I would feel. I would be at work being miserable thinking about how much I missed her and wondering what she was doing lol.

I knew that one day when I'm on my death bed I would never regret not working enough but I would regret feeling like I didn't get enough time with my child/family.

I never imagined I would want to be a stay at home mom or that I was even cut out to be one lol but as it got closer to the time where we would be having kids I just knew in my heart it was the right thing for us.

I can always further my education and I can always try to find a job later (provided there is no horrific accident or anything that renders me unable) but I couldn't get these years back.

I put a lot of work and effort into our daily life and my relationship with Hannah and her education and I think it shows.

 

[sparks19]

I think she's talking about the fact that studies exist like this one http://www.cbsnews.com/2100-500172_162-563639.html which say the opposite.

I missed this earlier....

but this is exactly what I was trying to say. One study says kids are fine either way, another study says they aren't... every kid and family is so different that I don't know how there could possibly be a definitive conclusion on either way unless that's how you choose to see it.

 

[LindaJD]

I was making pretty decent money before I had kids, so we did take a hit when I stopped working. I also don't regret staying home, but I do realize that it will effect us when we retire. There was quite a few years of just putting money into 1 401K instead of 2. When I went back to work, I was making way less than if I had stayed working all those years. Still glad I did it, but if I had to do it all over again I think I would have taken a night class here and there during those years so when I went back to work I'd at least have that on my resume.

 

[sparks19]

I just thought of this and had to post it while it was in my head

There was never a job that I ever LOVED doing and nothing I could think of that I would love doing... Until now

This is the only jOb I have ever had that I truly love

It is the easiest and hardest job i have ever had. Its easy because I truly love every second even when it pushes me to my limits. It makes me a better person

 

[Romy]

I just thought of this and had to post it while it was in my head

There was never a job that I ever LOVED doing and nothing I could think of that I would love doing... Until now

This is the only jOb I have ever had that I truly love

It is the easiest and hardest job i have ever had. Its easy because I truly love every second even when it pushes me to my limits. It makes me a better person

:hail:

To be honest, I really loved being a nanny. The kids were so awesome to work with, but in the end I really wanted to have that kind of interaction with my OWN children.

 

[~Jessie~]

I think it would be more difficult to be a working mother, personally. Not only do you have to go to work all day, but then you'd have to come home and take care of everything around the house AND the child. As a stay at home mom, at least you have a longer amount of time to get everything done.

Not to say being a SAHM is easy (I think BOTH are difficult!), but unless you have a nanny and a housekeeper, going to work would make things more complicated.

I'm going to be a SAHM when we have children, unless I try it and absolutely hate it (which I doubt I'd hate it!). For me, it's important for the mother (or father!) to be home with their young children UNLESS they just can't afford it. Of course, the mother's happiness is most important since it affects the child. If she really disliked being at home then she would be better suited to go back to work.

If I do want to go back to work, we'll get a nanny/house keeper so we wouldn't have to juggle taking care of the house and child once we were home from work.

My mom stayed home with my sister and me until we were in elementary school. I definitely appreciated it.

 

[Greenmagick]

I dont think either one is easier or harder really. They are different. WAHM may have to do double duty in a sense (although the father BETTER be doing work around the house too) but they do get a break from it all at work, they get adult time to not be "mommied" to death. I love my children with all my heart, but I admit, even going to the grocery store alone (and I hate grocery shopping) feels like a break sometimes.

 

[~Jessie~]

I dont think either one is easier or harder really. They are different. WAHM may have to do double duty in a sense (although the father BETTER be doing work around the house too) but they do get a break from it all at work, they get adult time to not be "mommied" to death. I love my children with all my heart, but I admit, even going to the grocery store alone (and I hate grocery shopping) feels like a break sometimes.

Well, it really depends on what the dad does for a job as well.

Right now, my husband is working ~55-60 hours a week (CPA, tax season) and taking 2 classes for his Master's degree. I've had to pick up a good bit of the house work since he simply does not have time. If I was a working mom right now with little kids, I would get home 2 or 3 hours before him, so it would be up to me to get dinner ready, get the kids bathed and in bed, do the nightly clean up, etc.

After April 17th he goes back down to 40 hours a week and will take over 1/2 of the chores, but he still gets home later than me. Because of this, I generally get the dogs fed and dinner started.

So, as a working mom, adding kids into the equation (without a housekeeper) would be difficult for me. I'd rather concentrate on just staying home with the children rather than having to juggle both.

I do agree that the lack of getting out of the house is kind of scary and can be difficult, but there are so many moms groups and places to take the kids.

 

[Fran101]

People are sometimes touchy about the whole nanny/housekeeper situation, like it's paying someone to "do the job you're supposed to be doing as a mother"

..which frankly, is a little ridiculous. Why don't people make the same complaints about daycare centers? or clorox wipes? lol

When did being a mother equate to it being your job to clean things? How did that even make the top 10 list of AMAZING THINGS mothers do? How about the part where they RAISE and instill moral values and love upon a child that grows up to be a productive happy creative MEMBER OF SOCIETY?!
but she's not doing it right if she isn't mopping the kitchen floor?.. seriously?

I daresay having someone around to do those things you don't WANT to do (the meaningless house chores etc..) leaves MORE TIME to do the things you want to do and the important stuff.

and as for nannies, I daresay that having someone to watch the kids/be an extra pair of hands/eyes made my parents BETTER.

They were happier, weren't as stressed, they got out when they needed to or felt like they needed a break (without having to call a sitter, which is a whole mess in itself) and we were taken care of by someone who loved us and knew us when our parents needed adult time or couldn't be there.

I'm sure some people do use nannies the "wrong way" (aka: I don't really want to raise my child so I'm going to pay somebody else to do it) but these cases are the extreme, not the norm (like the equivalent of the SAHM that never leaves her house and becomes so obsessed with her child that her life falls apart and has a nervous breakdown everytime her and the child are separated)

Do I love my childhood nanny? Of course I do. She sends me cards, candies, comes to visit, we go over around christmas etc..
but she isn't my mom. Nowhere near it.

No right way to raise a child. There is no handbook.

I wouldn't exchange my childhood for the world personally. Nanny or no I had the kind of parents that make me look back at the way I grew up and want to make a **** musical montage about it lol

 

[~Jessie~]

People are sometimes touchy about the whole nanny/housekeeper situation, like it's paying someone to "do the job you're supposed to be doing as a mother"

..which frankly, is a little ridiculous. Why don't people make the same complaints about daycare centers? or clorox wipes? lol

When did being a mother equate to it being your job to clean things? How did that even make the top 10 list of AMAZING THINGS mothers do? How about the part where they RAISE and instill moral values and love upon a child that grows up to be a productive happy creative MEMBER OF SOCIETY?!
but she's not doing it right if she isn't mopping the kitchen floor?.. seriously?

I daresay having someone around to do those things you don't WANT to do (the meaningless house chores etc..) leaves MORE TIME to do the things you want to do and the important stuff.

and as for nannies, I daresay that having someone to watch the kids/be an extra pair of hands/eyes made my parents BETTER.

They were happier, weren't as stressed, they got out when they needed to or felt like they needed a break (without having to call a sitter, which is a whole mess in itself) and we were taken care of by someone who loved us and knew us when our parents needed adult time or couldn't be there.

I'm sure some people do use nannies the "wrong way" (aka: I don't really want to raise my child so I'm going to pay somebody else to do it) but these cases are the extreme, not the norm (like the equivalent of the SAHM that never leaves her house and becomes so obsessed with her child that her life falls apart and has a nervous breakdown everytime her and the child are separated)

Do I love my childhood nanny? Of course I do. She sends me cards, candies, comes to visit, we go over around christmas etc..
but she isn't my mom. Nowhere near it.

No right way to raise a child. There is no handbook.

I wouldn't exchange my childhood for the world personally. Nanny or no I had the kind of parents that make me look back at the way I grew up and want to make a **** musical montage about it lol

I agree. There is definitely nothing wrong with a nanny or housekeeper! Like I said, if I decided to go back to work or stay working, that's the ONLY way I'd do it! The last thing I'd want to do is come home from work and have to work some more! I'd want to be able to spend the rest of my night with my child rather than having to do chores!