Stephy's midnight musings/updates

Discussion in 'The Fire Hydrant' started by StephyMei1112, Dec 10, 2012.

  1. StephyMei1112

    StephyMei1112 Blackout

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    I want to say....thanks

    Thanks to those who hated me.
    You made me stronger.

    Thanks to those who loved me.
    You made me realize life was worth living.

    Thanks to those who cared.
    You made me feel important & like I mattered.

    Thanks to those who entered my life.
    You made me who I am today.

    Thanks to those who left.
    You taught me that nothing lasts forever.

    Thanks to those who stayed.
    You showed me true friendship.

    Thanks to those who listened.
    You made me feel like I was worth it.

    *

    Let the critics of our friendship, Convention's footmen - roll their eyes.
    Their low prejudices are wrenching, Sully your rennome as a wife,

    but I won't genuflect to vested, proprieties at any price,
    for right and wrong, however rusted, my private judgement must
    suffice.

    Like you I prefer peace's pauses to battle's
    catapults of stone,
    Like you I visit people's houses but reside entirely in my own.

    At parties I chat with fools and wisemen,
    But listen only to my own heart.
    I live today, but for the ages,
    I live here, but in a world apart.

    We don't cheat so we won't be cheated,
    We meet; we say farewell again.
    Our friendship wasn't much joy,
    At least let our parting be without much pain.


    *George Jonas, 2011. Based on Mikhail Lermontov's poem "Good Bye"

    "書生忐任性,痛哭失聲,猶幸替君抹淚有紅羅帕,休將淚再傾..."

    Wayward youngster, achingly sobbing till all voice is lost, in fortune there is a red kerchief on which to help your tears....

    "不必惜惺惺! 我寧拋烏紗, 去換去換兩本經,著袈裟歸野寺來養靜!"

    No need to pity me! I take these things and exchange them for scripture instead, I leave all this for a existence of slience

    *My translations do not do these lines justice. From a Cantonese opera.

    You must remember this
    A kiss is still a kiss
    A sigh is still (just) a sigh
    The fundamental things apply
    As time goes by

    And when two lovers woo
    They still say: I love you
    On that you can rely
    No matter what the future brings
    As time goes by

    Moonlight and love songs - never out of date
    Hearts full of passion - jealousy and hate
    Woman needs man - and man must have his mate
    That no one can deny

    It's still the same old story
    A fight for love and glory
    A case of do or die
    The world will always welcome lovers
    As time goes by


    *******************************************

    I spoke with a friend of mine tonight....

    Let's call her Fanny. Fanny referred me to Jacqueline for my stint (those who know will know - those who don't, I'm sorry - I'm not getting into all that all over again).

    She was furious that I didn't carry on with the work. She said I didn't listen to her, I didn't take advice, and I was carrying on in a very "yum seng" (Cantonese for wayward/headstrong) manner contrary to her counsel. She said that I was embarrassing her, making her look bad, ruining her relationships with Jacqueline and co, and smearing her reputation.

    I explained that it was in a moment of confusion, desperation, and numbness that I accepted the job and that I did not mean to cause trouble to anyone else and I was sorry if she lost money/anything else due to my not carrying through with the work for a longer time.

    I was replied by a scoff then a hot sputtering of frustrations. "They're SO mad at me now! You're so irresponsible Stephy!" - that was followed by the click of her phone.

    Ok....

    Thing is though; I received a text from Jacqueline herself earlier this evening, asking after me. She was concerned (seemingly) if I had secured a job yet and if I was eating okay. She wished me luck and told me to take care, as well as saying she hoped she didn't hear from me asking for employment again for my sake.

    Talk about on the contrary...

    I called her up after the conversation with Fanny. I apologized to her if due to me a wedge came up in her and Fanny's friendship. She was confused and revealed that she hadn't actually spoken to Fanny for at least a month - only exchanging texts and an email with her on the day prior to my engagement. We chatted for a short while more about other things then she had to go.

    I have so few friends around already - the loss of even a dollar I feel nowadays, let alone the loss of support and just the feeling of someone being there and caring....we've known each other a long time and been there for each other through sh!t - I can't imagine everything just ending on this kind of a note. I'll give it time, and maybe when things settle....but it's hard not to feel hurt....

    My other friends are in awkward positions. One is in between Hong Kong/Taiwan on business and won't be back till April foreseeably - she's trying to get some money through to me though and support me through Whatsapp conversations, Another is having to deal with very touchy family issues and is skimped herself, this guy who I went out with shortly....there are problems, emotional kinda problems; enough said. The last of my close pals has a house full of relatives over for the holidays and Chinese New Year's, is drowning in debt herself, and is just scraping by herself (without the anxiety of housing though). More casual acquaintances have either distanced themselves or have been sympathetic but unable to offer much aid themselves.

    I'm so drained...
     
  2. Twin_Dogs

    Twin_Dogs New Member

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    hmmm.. you feel the loss of a dollar... but the $80 for your phone not so much hey? what chapter are we now?
     
  3. Doberluv

    Doberluv Active Member

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    Why don't you just knock it off!
     
  4. Airn

    Airn New Member

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    I have watched Stephy's posts for the past week now and haven't said anything because, honestly I don't know what to tell her. I also feel I haven't been here long enough to stick my nose into what seems to be a complex and never-ending situation.

    Stephy, I am so very sorry that things have ended up the way they have. You seem intelligent. I mean that as a compliment but it is also a curse. It seems like you are getting into your head. I haven't been where you are, but I have been down a bad path and I can relate on some levels. While I disagree with several decisions you've made, and wish you wouldn't publicize everything you do, I want you to get better.

    I don't believe us telling you what to do will make you change anything. There are clearly people here who support you no matter what you do. I feel that you'll just ignore the ones who don't. If this isn't the case, then it would help to show that you do care what the others think.

    While it is your life, if you post updates about your situation on a public forum, it's hard not to expect people to be curious. We are like that with everyone, especially people who seem to be stuck. I honestly believe that most of the people on here are very caring and what you to get help.

    For your sake, I hope you listen to everyone, with a grain of salt. Only you can make the change in your life. You're going through the motions but it won't mean anything if you aren't completely invested in. Take a breather. Don't think about things so much. Pride is a fickle thing, but it would appear that's all you have. Do not waste your intelligence. Do not waste your life. You may be fine with the things you are doing now, but you will have to live with them later. If you feel you can do that, good for you, I suppose.

    I am not trying to make you feel worse. I do want to see you get out of this. I normally wouldn't say anything but since I'm new, I thought it would be an opinion that is (mostly) unbiased.

    And in regards to Fanny: some people are just assholes. You can't explain their behavior or make them understand where you're coming from. Friendships/relationships are draining. Your friends may not be close to you and you may not have many, but it's quality over quantity in this case. Positive relationships are all you need right now. If someone feels you have wronged them, perhaps it's best to put them on the back burner. If they want to have a relationship with you, hopefully they will understand you need to figure yourself out before you can nurse a relationship.

    Just my feelings on the situation. I'll step back now.
     
  5. -bogart-

    -bogart- Member of WHODAT Nation.

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    Twin , ya being rude and just disgusting . Don't click her threads of you don't to hear it.



    Steph , from that scenario I bet she was getting a cut of ya work. I am so sorry ya friends are
    Not the support ya need right now. I hope it continues to keep the slow hike up the mountain.
    How's the job hunt going ? Found anything suitable yet ? And ya dad , have ya heard anything else from
    Him?
     
  6. Doberluv

    Doberluv Active Member

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    Stephy, the friends you mentioned...well, that's pretty normal. They come and go through our lives. I don't have any friends other than my family. You have lost more friends than I ever had. Don't worry too much. Everything kind of evolves and fluctuates. You'll meet new friends, I'm sure, as you get working or get involved in a new hobby.

    I enjoyed reading your writings. And I could hear As Time Goes By in my mind. Love that song.

    Well, as they say, "Necessity is the mother of invention." You'll figure out how to make ends meet...an adjustment here, a cut-back there. Chin up...stay strong.
     
  7. Twin_Dogs

    Twin_Dogs New Member

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    How is that being rude? She said she pays $80 a month for her phone. There's no way that's the only option available to her in Canada, if you dont have a job, and you value every dollar you make THROUGH HARD WORK, having an $80 phone plan is not the most intelligent thing to do, or is it?
     
  8. Doberluv

    Doberluv Active Member

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    I think we live in an age where we have been taught to analyze ourselves, our lives to a big extent. We have been conditioned to "find ourselves." And have such high expectations. This is all well and good. It's good to have incentive and ambition. It's important to stay in touch with our feelings and what makes us and the world around us tick. HOWEVER-r-r-r-r-r-r....(lol) I think sometimes we can over-do it...get so wrapped up in analyzing every little detail, expecting things to be and feel a certain way and perhaps forgetting the little things that have great potential to make us happy. We're also bombarded with stimulation with all the techy electronic stuff in our lives. Everything is so fast paced and kind of like a drug. If you don't have everything at a high level, the lower levels of life's offerings seem like nothing. So, many people aren't happy unless grand things or very remarkable things are happening. I think everyone...not just you needs to step back and quit over analyzing themselves and get their minds on something else...not how it affects them or pertains to them so much, but just simply that something else. And see if you don't start feeling happier. Lower your expectations. Get a job, enjoy the people you work with, come home and do something relaxing, clean the house, start an art project, go for a walk, look at the scenery, watch the birds. And be happy. Stop searching so desperately for some illusive nothing that doesn't have anything to do with true happiness anyway. Things will come together more and more in due course.
     
  9. Doberluv

    Doberluv Active Member

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    You don't know that your wording was rude????

    Well, that's one big, HUGE thing Stephy has going for her. She's a gentle soul who knows how to use words in a way that gets her meaning across without hurting anyone's feelings.
     
  10. Jules

    Jules Magic, motherf@%$*#!

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    Stephy, have you thought about counseling? Done anything towards that?

    Have you heard back from a potential job? I just did a quick search forward your area, there are a TON of job openings... As they are everywhere right now. It doesn't have to be a forever job, but working tons of hours in retail is better than nothing. You just have to want it.

    And I know that deep down inside you know you are worth it... If you didn't think you were you wouldn't ask your friends for help. This may sound harsh, but I feel like it's the truth.
     
  11. Dogdragoness

    Dogdragoness Happy Spring!!!!

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    I wish my phone was $80 lol.

    I don't think twin dogs was rude, just kinda "telling it like it is" so to speak.
     
  12. Twin_Dogs

    Twin_Dogs New Member

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    Im on a dog forum.. not an essay/poem writing contest forum. I'd rather be blunt and straight to the point yet honest, than use flowery words and mislead people into thinking I am a nice person. I'm from Canada. I'm ASIAN just like Steph. I came from a poor family, but I have no problem working at fast food or even cleaning jobs. Its a decent job. Better than the the other "option" just to make a quick buck.

    Job is everywhere for those who look for it. That is all.
     
  13. Dogdragoness

    Dogdragoness Happy Spring!!!!

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    Mmm, agreed.
     
  14. AdrianneIsabel

    AdrianneIsabel Glutton for Crazy

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    errr there are several posts where she's offended and upset a lot of people(small dogs & rescue dogs ring a bell?) we all make this mistake and she is not immune.

    When you're all drama all the time you're just asking for critiquing. Usually the OP enjoys it, I doubt Stephy doesn't, true stories or not.
     
  15. SevenSins

    SevenSins Guest

    Funny how differences in perception work, Doberluv; I was under the impression that she's a catty, petty individual who makes broad-sweeping judgements about certain types of people, tries too hard to portray herself as eccentric because she thrives on negative attention and pity, wants everything practically handed to her, and believes she's above most of us "regular" people.

    Hiding all of that behind a veil of poetry doesn't make someone a "gentle soul," it makes them manipulative.
     
  16. JessLough

    JessLough Love My Mutt

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    This.
     
  17. Twin_Dogs

    Twin_Dogs New Member

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    I dont know if I can word this any better. But then again, I was told I'm rude and I dont have ways with my words. I wish there is a button here that says SUPER LIKE.
     
  18. release the hounds

    release the hounds Active Member

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    BOOM! and there it is. Can't say I disagree
     
  19. sassafras

    sassafras mushinois

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    Dang. SevenSins dropping truth bombs.
     
  20. AdrianneIsabel

    AdrianneIsabel Glutton for Crazy

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    Well, I just got one upped... lol
     

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