So, ladies...

[Romy]

This really blows my mind.. not all women/men are like these wolves in sheeps clothing waiting to pounce

Especially just if the girl is ignoring you or giving you the cold shoulder.. it could be for any NUMBER of reasons. and if she isn't doing anything else other than not liking you, I really don't see the big deal. You deal with being ignored and a little cold shoulder attitude.. it's not the end of the world by any means.

It's RIDICULOUS to say "Oh I trust him/her 10000% but you know..women/men.. and affairs don't just happen and he/she could trick him!"

..last time I checked, it takes two to cheat and there is no amount of planning, trickery, or foul play that can "trick" anybody into cheating. If your SO cheats, it because he wanted to and made the DECISION to do so. not because anybody tricked him into doing it.

Last time I checked, we all know how sex works sooo regardless of any trickery, flirting or seduction, push comes to shove, HE/SHE DID IT BECAUSE THEY WANTED TO. We are not animals who can't control our sexual urges. We can say no, we can leave the situation, we can stop so short of actually being physical forced and raped.. cheating is 100% on your SO, not anybody else. Sorry, tough pancakes.

so if you really do trust your SO 1000%.. then you shouldn't be worried regardless of what everyone else is doing, even their friends of the opposite sex because you should know that regardless of any flirting or seducing or tricks, your SO is not some kind of animal who can't control themselves or their actions.

If you want to admit that you are a jealous individual that doesn't like your SO hanging around with people of the opposite sex or people you don't particularly like OR you admit you don't want other people talking about/seeing your SO our with someone else and stirring up drama.. fine. You have your reasons, at least you are being honest.
but let's cut the pancakes here. You can't 100% trust someone and also be worried about somebody else coming around and enticing them into an affair.

So even if you think this friend is "laying the groundwork" or "working their way in" or has an evil plan to destroy you as a couple, if you really trust your SO, you don't have a problem.

They might be able to trick him/her out to a restaurant, into their house, into the bedroom..
but NOBODY has ever tricked any adult in a relationship into having consensual sex without the person knowing what was going on or what they were doing :rofl1:

I agree 100%, and just want to clarify.

I wasn't trying to say that people aren't responsible for choosing to have an affair, because in the end, if that's what they do it's their responsibility and their choice. I'm not saying that all women/men are evil relationship poachers who are trying to break everyone around them up.

I am saying that there are people who do go around doing just that though. Just like there are pedophiles and people who scam elders out of their money, etc. I do not know how common they are, but they exist and I bet everyone on this forum has encountered one at least once in their life.

Their behavior is predatory. They do go through a grooming process, and the signs are fairly consistent.

My point is, why is it wrong to be aware of those signs? If you are aware and recognize something is off before having to invest a lot of time in a potential friendship, why would you waste that time on a potentially destructive non-friendship with someone who is just out to get another notch in their belt at the expense of your time and your happiness?

If your relationship is strong and secure, of course you/your SO won't end up having an affair with them. But you will have wasted a ton of time hanging out with a creeper that could have been spent doing something awesome instead.

Personally I think it's a good idea to be aware of signs that people coming into your life may have major personality/behavior defects. At least that way you can choose what types of defects you want to tolerate.

 

[sparks19]

Good post Romy.

I am also of the camp that sex isn't the only way to cheat on someone. There is emotional cheating IMO.

 

[GipsyQueen]

My SO doesn't get along with some of my (female) friends - and they came into my life after he did.

I think it is perfectly normal for each partner to have his or her own friends. It makes me feel uncomfortable when I'm hanging out with my ground of female friends - and I am the only one bringing my SO - no matter if he gets along with them, or not. I can't imagine only having "couple friends". We talk about girl stuff - and do girly things - he doesn't need to tag along for that. :rofl1:

On the other hand, I think you (OP), have a right to be a tad POed (and hurt).
I really don't think this is an issue of trust, but much rather - if she is being rude to you, then why hasn't he told her off?.
If a friend of mine (esp. a new friend) was being rude and disrespectful to my SO, I would tell them to stuff it.

 

[sparks19]

Yeah see I don't really do the girl talk or do girly things lol. I get my fill of that with my super girly daughter lol. I guess thats why I don't feel the need to have "girl time". The girlfriends I used to have that would always want to have "girls night out -girls only" mostly consisted of bitching about their spouses and thats not really my idea of a good time lol

 

[Bailey08]

I've seen things go sideways even when no one went in with bad intent -- i.e., no crazy female predator trying to steal your man -- people just got too close, and then people got hurt. The whole "work spouse" idea that some people think is so cute, I think is a really bad idea.

I just think people need to be cautious, and honest with themselves, and not have friendships that cross an invisible line. People don't always intend to have affairs, and not only "bad" people have affairs.

Of course men and women can be friends. Often with no chemistry at all. Sometimes with a bit of an attraction on one side but with both knowing that nothing is ever going to happen and keeping appropriate (emotional as well as physical) distances.

I used to think, if you trust your SO, you trust him no matter what (or who is in the picture). And I still would never be in a committed relationship with someone I didn't fully trust. But I also think it is only sensible for both parties in a committed relationship to be careful about friendships with those of the opposite sex (or same sex for those who aren't straight).

 

[sparks19]

I've seen things go sideways even when no one went in with bad intent -- i.e., no crazy female predator trying to steal your man -- people just got too close, and then people got hurt. The whole "work spouse" idea that some people think is so cute, I think is a really bad idea.

I just think people need to be cautious, and honest with themselves, and not have friendships that cross an invisible line. People don't always intend to have affairs, and not only "bad" people have affairs.

Of course men and women can be friends. Often with no chemistry at all. Sometimes with a bit of an attraction on one side but with both knowing that nothing is ever going to happen and keeping appropriate (emotional as well as physical) distances.

I used to think, if you trust your SO, you trust him no matter what (or who is in the picture). And I still would never be in a committed relationship with someone I didn't fully trust. But I also think it is only sensible for both parties in a committed relationship to be careful about friendships with those of the opposite sex (or same sex for those who aren't straight).

Another excellent post!!!

 

[Grab]

I've personally never had issue with my SOs having female friends, nor they with my having male friends. I am not going to be with someone I don't trust. And someone I trust isn't going to cheat..I dont' buy that "sometimes cheating isn't planned". Whether they spend weeks thinking "hey, I ought do this" or not, they choose the act of going through with a relationship with someone else and I think everyone knows whether they are going to make that choice or not. It's simply not a concern in my relationship. I wouldn't want to be with someone who had to stay away from friendships with people of the opposite sex in order to not be "tempted".

We view friendships, regardless of the person's sex, as just that..friendship.

 

[jess2416]

This really blows my mind.. not all women/men are like these wolves in sheeps clothing waiting to pounce

Especially just if the girl is ignoring you or giving you the cold shoulder.. it could be for any NUMBER of reasons. and if she isn't doing anything else other than not liking you, I really don't see the big deal. You deal with being ignored and a little cold shoulder attitude.. it's not the end of the world by any means.

It's RIDICULOUS to say "Oh I trust him/her 10000% but you know..women/men.. and affairs don't just happen and he/she could trick him!"

..last time I checked, it takes two to cheat and there is no amount of planning, trickery, or foul play that can "trick" anybody into cheating. If your SO cheats, it because he wanted to and made the DECISION to do so. not because anybody tricked him into doing it.

Last time I checked, we all know how sex works sooo regardless of any trickery, flirting or seduction, push comes to shove, HE/SHE DID IT BECAUSE THEY WANTED TO. We are not animals who can't control our sexual urges. We can say no, we can leave the situation, we can stop so short of actually being physical forced and raped.. cheating is 100% on your SO, not anybody else. Sorry, tough pancakes.

so if you really do trust your SO 1000%.. then you shouldn't be worried regardless of what everyone else is doing, even their friends of the opposite sex because you should know that regardless of any flirting or seducing or tricks, your SO is not some kind of animal who can't control themselves or their actions.

If you want to admit that you are a jealous individual that doesn't like your SO hanging around with people of the opposite sex or people you don't particularly like OR you admit you don't want other people talking about/seeing your SO our with someone else and stirring up drama.. fine. You have your reasons, at least you are being honest.
but let's cut the pancakes here. You can't 100% trust someone and also be worried about somebody else coming around and enticing them into an affair.

So even if you think this friend is "laying the groundwork" or "working their way in" or has an evil plan to destroy you as a couple, if you really trust your SO, you don't have a problem.

They might be able to trick him/her out to a restaurant, into their house, into the bedroom..
but NOBODY has ever tricked any adult in a relationship into having consensual sex without the person knowing what was going on or what they were doing :rofl1:

agreed 100%..

jealousy has always been a product of being insecure in ones relationship Ive always thought...

I seriously laugh at people with jealousy issues, it makes my day, also, at the shewoman woman hating groups :rofl1:

 

[Paige]

I've seen things go sideways even when no one went in with bad intent -- i.e., no crazy female predator trying to steal your man -- people just got too close, and then people got hurt. The whole "work spouse" idea that some people think is so cute, I think is a really bad idea.

I just think people need to be cautious, and honest with themselves, and not have friendships that cross an invisible line. People don't always intend to have affairs, and not only "bad" people have affairs.

Of course men and women can be friends. Often with no chemistry at all. Sometimes with a bit of an attraction on one side but with both knowing that nothing is ever going to happen and keeping appropriate (emotional as well as physical) distances.

I used to think, if you trust your SO, you trust him no matter what (or who is in the picture). And I still would never be in a committed relationship with someone I didn't fully trust. But I also think it is only sensible for both parties in a committed relationship to be careful about friendships with those of the opposite sex (or same sex for those who aren't straight).

People can become close to anyone and drift apart from their spouses even without any kind of sexual attraction or emotional cheating going on. If a relationship is not as close as it was before it's time to sit down, talk about how to make it better and then fix it. It's normal to form bonds with other people.

 

[sassafras]

I've personally never had issue with my SOs having female friends, nor they with my having male friends. I am not going to be with someone I don't trust. And someone I trust isn't going to cheat..I dont' buy that "sometimes cheating isn't planned". Whether they spend weeks thinking "hey, I ought do this" or not, they choose the act of going through with a relationship with someone else and I think everyone knows whether they are going to make that choice or not. It's simply not a concern in my relationship. I wouldn't want to be with someone who had to stay away from friendships with people of the opposite sex in order to not be "tempted".

We view friendships, regardless of the person's sex, as just that..friendship.

Agreed 100%. The gender of my/his/our friends just isn't something that even really registers on our radar.

People can become close to anyone and drift apart from their spouses even without any kind of sexual attraction or emotional cheating going on. If a relationship is not as close as it was before it's time to sit down, talk about how to make it better and then fix it. It's normal to form bonds with other people.

Agreed. An affair IMO is almost always either a symptom of something wrong with a relationship OR a symptom of someone who isn't cut out to be monogamous trying to force themselves to be. For me, if there's something wrong with a relationship, then I'm either going to fix it or end it - neither of which involves avoiding friendships based on gender.

 

[sparks19]

I for one don't avoid relationships because I am worried, or jealous, or have trust issues. I just don't feel the need. I am completely fulfilled with things the way they are now . I din't even avoid these relationships... I just feel no need at all to seek them out

Thats not to say I am not friends with any males. I have many male friends... They are mutual friends, in ither words my husbands friends who have become my friends. I just don't feel any need to spend alone time with them. Heck I don't feel the need to spend alone time with anyone other than my family. It's just not a priority on my list nor something I desire.

I would rather be home with my husband over any place in the whole world

 

[Grab]

So you don't have friendships at all outside of your spouse?

ETA: nevermind. My screen was wonky, so I could only read the first part of the post, lol

I can't imagine never doing anything one on one with a friend though..even if it's just coffee or something. And I'm the least social person ever

 

[sparks19]

So you don't have friendships at all outside of your spouse?

ETA: nevermind. My screen was wonky, so I could only read the first part of the post, lol

Lol i edited to add more... Sorry haha watching the passion of the christ and it was nearing the end so I didn't finish the post right away lol

 

[sassafras]

Whatever floats your boat. And I shall float mine.

 

[Paige]

I'm not social either and I'd probably lose my mind if the one friend I have had to be entirely mutual. She happens to be female but that's beyond the point. Tyler can hangout with us but I usually see her alone and prefer it that way. I spend so much time with him it is nice to have at least a little time in my life that isn't dominated by our relationship.

That's just me though.

 

[sparks19]

Well I don't do much one on one cause I am a stay at home
Mom lol but hannah and I have gatherings with friends most days during the week. Every tuesday we get together with two other moms that I am close with for a couple of hours over lunch. I have friends, we do things during the day (when hubby is normally at work). That is more than enough for me lol but I always feel that when hubby is finally home, I don't want to miss a second of it . Even when we spend days at a time together... I am always left wanting more time with him. I get my "me time" during the day and beyond that I want to be with my best friend. I just don't have anywhere near the amount of fun with anyone else that I do when we are just home together. I have friends and we all spend time together (they are also usually part of our mutual friends who are couples group) but even then I am left thinking "if brian were here he would be dying laughing at what I just said". Lol

Eta: don't get me wrong. I do lots of stuff without hubby. He works, i am a stay at home mom. I spend 8-12 hours a day "outside of our relationship". But even still... The friends I hang out with during the day are still part of
Our mutual friends. Mutual friends doesn't mean we only see them together. They ARE friends with both of us though. I just don't have time or desire for the tension a friend who can't be friendly with my bestfriend can bring. Makes me uncomfortable with that "friend". Like I am walking on eggshells around them.

 

[GipsyQueen]

I'm not social either and I'd probably lose my mind if the one friend I have had to be entirely mutual. She happens to be female but that's beyond the point. Tyler can hangout with us but I usually see her alone and prefer it that way. I spend so much time with him it is nice to have at least a little time in my life that isn't dominated by our relationship.

That's just me though.

Same. I have 2 rather close groups (theres 4 of us) of female friends - and my bestfriend. These all happen to be female, but I also have a really close male friend. We can all hang out together - mostly if one of the girls brings their SO along - but we prefer to be just us.

 

[Dizzy]

(*shudder* Off to redeem my manhood by doing masculine things like eating shards of glass and washing my hair with used motor oil and sand...)

Actually thought you were female....

 

[GipsyQueen]

Actually thought you were female....

Same...

Then again, I asume everyone on here is female, unless I am told otherwise.

 

[sparks19]

Same...

Then again, I asume everyone on here is female, unless I am told otherwise.

Lol same here