So, ladies...

Discussion in 'The Fire Hydrant' started by RD, May 4, 2012.

  1. RD

    RD Are you dead yet?

    Joined:
    Aug 1, 2004
    Messages:
    15,572
    Likes Received:
    0
    Trophy Points:
    0
    Occupation:
    2 dogs
    Location:
    Ohio
    Let's say your SO makes a new female friend. Let's also say this particular female friend, while apparently being nice to your SO, snubs you. She is cold and uninterested in cultivating any sort of friendship with you despite attempts on your part to get to know her.

    Would you be totally cool with your SO spending time with this person, or would it make you uncomfortable? Would you be contemplating her intentions or just shrug it off and let it go?
     
  2. smkie

    smkie pointer/labrador/terrier Staff Member

    Joined:
    Dec 16, 2004
    Messages:
    55,166
    Likes Received:
    35
    Trophy Points:
    48
    I think you So better forget about her and spend that time with you. IF she acts like that to you, why would he even bother to care about her in even a friend capacity?
     
  3. joce

    joce Active Member

    Joined:
    Jan 3, 2005
    Messages:
    4,448
    Likes Received:
    0
    Trophy Points:
    36
    Occupation:
    6
    Location:
    Ohio
    He should be smart enough to get rid of her.
     
  4. zoe08

    zoe08 New Member

    Joined:
    Mar 5, 2006
    Messages:
    5,160
    Likes Received:
    0
    Trophy Points:
    0
    Location:
    Texas
    Home Page:
    If she can't be friends with us both, then she wouldn't be friends with either of us. If he insists on staying friends with her when she treats you like that....then there IS something to worry about.
     
  5. SevenSins

    SevenSins Guest

    Not a lady, but let me pose a question... Most women have a network of friends, and regardless of the gender of the friends, there tends to be one or more that just don't like your boyfriend/fiance/husband, for whatever reason, and "you" (collective) don't throw those friends away. Why should he? Again, regardless of the gender of the friend; Believe it or not, men and women are capable of platonic friendship. It's about jealousy on your part. How about trusting your SO to let go of the friendship if he feels that said friend is trying to go too far? You have your friends, let him have his friends, get rid of the double standard.
     
  6. Sit Stay

    Sit Stay Not a Border Collie

    Joined:
    Oct 1, 2010
    Messages:
    2,814
    Likes Received:
    0
    Trophy Points:
    0
    Location:
    Ontario
    I totally agree ... if she isn't friendly towards you despite your attempts he should recognize this. If a new friend was so unfriendly towards my BF I can't say I would be terribly interested in pursuing a friendship with them, at least not a close one.
     
  7. zoe08

    zoe08 New Member

    Joined:
    Mar 5, 2006
    Messages:
    5,160
    Likes Received:
    0
    Trophy Points:
    0
    Location:
    Texas
    Home Page:
    Actually I don't think it is appropriate for women to have male friends who are rude to and don't want to be around their husbands either. I think at that point in your life everyone should be mature enough to be friends together, if they are not mature enough for that, then I am guessing they are not mature enough to be in a serious relationship.
     
  8. Sit Stay

    Sit Stay Not a Border Collie

    Joined:
    Oct 1, 2010
    Messages:
    2,814
    Likes Received:
    0
    Trophy Points:
    0
    Location:
    Ontario
    The difference for me is that this sounds like this is a new relationship, not someone he's known for a long time. I have a close friend who I suspect isn't very fond of my boyfriend (our boyfriends don't really get along) - she wouldn't say anything but I have my suspicions lol. She was around before my boyfriend and has been an excellent friend to me so we continue to hang out with no problems. However, if I were to meet a new person who was cold and unfriendly with my SO despite his attempts that would put a serious damper on my first impressions of them and like I said, I can't say that would make me too interested in pursuing a serious, close friendship. Maybe that's just me though!
     
  9. PlottMom

    PlottMom The Littlest Hound

    Joined:
    Oct 13, 2009
    Messages:
    2,835
    Likes Received:
    0
    Trophy Points:
    0
    Occupation:
    4 dogs
    Location:
    SoCal
    I'd get rid of her.


    (yes, I realize how psychopathic that sounds. I stand by it.)

    I am wayyyy to nosy to let el boyfriendo have female friends that I also cannot hang out & get along with.
     
  10. RD

    RD Are you dead yet?

    Joined:
    Aug 1, 2004
    Messages:
    15,572
    Likes Received:
    0
    Trophy Points:
    0
    Occupation:
    2 dogs
    Location:
    Ohio
    Of course platonic friendship is possible, and the question is as broad as it seems - not just about jealousy or the possibility of cheating. That's a factor, but it was also a question posed to couples about said platonic friends.

    I'm certainly not advocating a double standard. Even if it's flipped around, for the female side of things! Would you ladies be okay with having a friend who straight up didn't respond to your SO's attempts at friendship, with no obvious rudeness or a reason to dislike your SO? Just plain old "not interested"? Would it make any difference if it hurt your SO's feelings that this person wanted nothing to do with them, yet still initiated a ton of contact with you?

    The question is hypothetical, but I've been in both situations and both are awkward and a bit disappointing.
     
  11. sparks19

    sparks19 I'd rather be at Disney

    Joined:
    Jul 7, 2005
    Messages:
    28,563
    Likes Received:
    3
    Trophy Points:
    38
    Occupation:
    3
    Location:
    Lancaster, PA
    Home Page:
    This. My husband would not WANT to be friends with someone who can't treat me with common courtesy.


    Actually not true at all. I cut out a few "friends" who couldn't accept my spouse. Both male and female. if you want to be friends with me you need to be able to at least treat my family with respect. If you can't... than you aren't a friend, PERIOD! I would never treat a friends spouse with anything less than kindness and respect. if you couldn't do the same for me than I must be seriously mistaken about what kind of friend you are.

    you don't have to be best friends with my spouse or even like him but if you can't keep that to yourself out of respect for me than our friendship isn't what I thought it was.

    and in the end... I'm better off for losing those "friendships".
     
  12. Romy

    Romy Taxiderpy

    Joined:
    Dec 2, 2006
    Messages:
    10,233
    Likes Received:
    0
    Trophy Points:
    36
    Location:
    Olympia, WA
    Personally, I feel that a good friend will go out of their way to be polite at least to the other people in their friend's lives. To me, those people are obviously important to my friends and deserve the same treatment. I think it's really rude for someone to snub the SO of a (supposed) friend and wouldn't be okay with it on either end.
     
  13. SevenSins

    SevenSins Guest

    Not true "for you." On the other hand, **** near every woman I've ever dated has had her own circle of friends outside of OUR circle of mutual friends. Some of them had no interest in being my friend, and frankly, that's ok.

    People seem to like to equate "disinterest" with "disrespect." In the OP, it doesn't sound like the friend is outwardly rude and disrespectful, it sounds like the person just doesn't have an interest in pursuing a friendship with the OP. It's fairly sad to me that people are more emotionally accepting of someone faking acceptance of them, than rejection, and they mislabel it as "respect."




    Now, why post this on a message forum instead of sitting down and communicating with your SO about your concerns and feelings on the matter? If you can't do that, I would rethink the entire relationship.
     
  14. Shai

    Shai & the Muttly Crew

    Joined:
    Dec 14, 2009
    Messages:
    6,215
    Likes Received:
    0
    Trophy Points:
    0
    Yeah I'm with those saying if the person can't manage to be reasonably polite to someone important in their new friend's life...they probably really aren't really worth being friends with in the first place. For either of you.

    I've had friends (male and female) dating/married to people I would not ordinarily socialize with...and by that I mean people who I would actively NOT want to socialize with more than strictly necessary...but it's part of being a friend that you treat that person well. And for their healthy relationship, it's important they treat me with respect in return. Comes with being part of a society.

    Neither of us are really the jealous sort (which is good considering all my coworkers are men and all his are women lol) but if he had a new friend of any gender who was a complete jerk to me, yeah I would talk to my hubby about it. And if the situation were reversed, I would hope that I would take care of the situation before he even felt he needed to talk to me about it.

    JMO
     
  15. MicksMom

    MicksMom Active Member

    Joined:
    Sep 18, 2007
    Messages:
    3,978
    Likes Received:
    0
    Trophy Points:
    36
    Occupation:
    1 furry
    Location:
    Warren Co, NJ
    Absolutely. The bolded part below is why.

     
  16. Shai

    Shai & the Muttly Crew

    Joined:
    Dec 14, 2009
    Messages:
    6,215
    Likes Received:
    0
    Trophy Points:
    0
    I guess it depends on how you read the OP. What one person feels is snubbing wouldn't even be noticed by others. Which tends to be part of the problem in many cases.

    And depends on what you mean by "acceptance". For me that's acknowledging that the person exists, that the person is also important in the life of someone with whom you both have a relationship, and being able to have a reasonably pleasant polite conversation if and when you find yourselves sharing company. You know...basic civilized behavior. Not wearing matching BFF scrunchies or jock straps (do guys do that? :p)
     
  17. Lyzelle

    Lyzelle New Member

    Joined:
    Feb 28, 2012
    Messages:
    2,826
    Likes Received:
    0
    Trophy Points:
    0
    Location:
    Colorado
    Trusting my husband about cheating has never been a problem.

    However, he falls into crap really easily. His "brother" screwing us out of a car and couple thousand. His "sister" stroking his ego and trash talking me. She actually hooked up with the guy that screwed us. And he still talks to the guyfriend, but not the girl as much.

    Whenever I talk to him about these things, I get told they are "friends" and "nothing is wrong" and "they aren't going to do anything". So, I stand back and let them screw him over. You learn to pick your battles in a relationship when it comes to their friends and your friends.

    But cheating is something else entirety, and something you should trust your SO about. And if you can't trust them, then you talk to them. And if you can't trust or talk, you get out of the relationship.
     
  18. RD

    RD Are you dead yet?

    Joined:
    Aug 1, 2004
    Messages:
    15,572
    Likes Received:
    0
    Trophy Points:
    0
    Occupation:
    2 dogs
    Location:
    Ohio
    Because this isn't about me or my boyfriend - it's a hypothetical question for those on the board. You can bet your ass that if there was an issue like this between my SO and me, we'd talk to each other about it. As a matter of fact, my boyfriend and I -have- discussed the topic of this very thread. There's really no need to be so condescending.

    And it's true that I was speaking more about disinterest than straight up rudeness or outward distaste for the other person. That said, I'd have a hard time keeping a friend who was interested only in friendship with me, and preferred to be around me when my SO wasn't present.
     
  19. ThoseWordsAtBest

    ThoseWordsAtBest Wu-Tang Steph

    Joined:
    May 29, 2011
    Messages:
    738
    Likes Received:
    0
    Trophy Points:
    0
    Occupation:
    SO MANY.
    Location:
    Kalamazoo.
    I don't care in the slightest. I don't like any of my boyfriend's friends and I'm pretty positive none of them like me either.
     
  20. SevenSins

    SevenSins Guest

    Perhaps the person isn't even consciously aware that she's making someone feel like they're being snubbed. This is something I would sit down and communicate with my SO about. Ask if he can talk to his friend and see what the problem is, if there actually is one to begin with.

    Omigosh, totally! I bought my besties the cutest Nutty Buddies, like, EVER and we totally kicked it this one day and painted them with matching stars and hearts and THPARKLIES! *squee*

    (*shudder* Off to redeem my manhood by doing masculine things like eating shards of glass and washing my hair with used motor oil and sand...)
     

Share This Page