I was laying in bed playing sudoku because I was tired, but not tired enough to sleep. Well now I'm definitely not sleeping. Here, anyway. I'm just sort of in that twilight where you're sleepy, and close to falling asleep, but not quite yet punching in numbers when I see movement off to the side. Now I'm laying on my side facing the tv away from the wall, thank god, because there was a GIGANTIC spider now about two inches from me. Of course I JERK BACKWARDS immediately, because, HELLO SPIDER. IT F*CKING CHASED ME across the bed, so now I'm trapped in the covers trying to get away from this a*shole spider IN THE BED. Finally, I'd reached the foot of the bed, where I promptly fell into the floor, landing all of my weight completely on my right knee. I jumped up because I wasn't sure where a*shole spider is at this point, I'm blind, the light is off, except for my phone, jerk the door open and flip the light switch on. Mother f*cker is a large brown spot on the bed by my phone now. I went to grab my glasses, which are on the floor up near the wall, and a*shole spider isn't done. He jumps back toward me, so now I'm effectively blind and unable to get my glasses. Because no way am I going up there. It was at this point (and this has all happened in the span of about fifteen, twenty seconds) I realize I have nothing to kill him with. If I leave the room, I risk him going back into hiding. Which is unacceptable, because I'd have to leave the house and go to my mothers with all the dogs if that happened, because seriously, ENORMOUS SPIDER. In. My. Bed. My ONLY bed. So I call Ozzy. He comes to the rescue. Comes trotting down the hallway. Calm. Cool. Collected. Because I'm flipping out. I start telling him to "GET IT!!!" He knows what get it means. He's a bug eater extraordinaire. However, I've never pitted him against a spider of such epic proportions before. His normal bug prey is moths, flies and those little bitty spiders you can pretty much squish with a finger, if you wanted to touch a spider. He goes into action mode, but he doesn't see the b*stard on the bed. It sees him and starts hopping around on the bed, never really leaving the area where my phone is, so at this point I do what any sane person would do, and grabbed the dog and put him on the bed while pointing at the spider and screaming "GET IT!! KILL IT NOW OZZY!!!!" He finally zeros in on it and it zeros in on him. There was a brief standoff before they both charged each other. He snapped it once, twice, before it realized it was up against a Godzilla of spider killing, and tried to take off. At this point, I grabbed a dirty shirt and used the whole thing to grab the ugly b*stard. Ozzy, realizing fun time was over, left the bedroom. So now I'm standing there with a spider, slightly squished and bent, in a t-shirt. I can't shake it out over the toilet, because what if I've misjudged where it is in the shirt and it falls out on the floor and makes good it's escape?? So I take it and shake it out in the bathtub. So then I'm standing in front of the tub, looking at my vanquished foe, trying to figure out how exactly to get rid of it. It's too big to fit down our tubs drain, and it's still slightly alive so I don't want to just get a wad of toilet paper and grab it. At this point, I decided I've got to kill it some more. It's still trying to scuttle off, but most of its legs are screwed up at this point, so it's still just twitching. I grabbed a book off the back of the toilet and beat it down into submission, (i.e. no longer twitching or really moving at all, whatsoever) give it a few more whacks just to make sure, and f*ck the septic, get a huge wad of paper and flush the b*stard. Finally, I realize my entire knee is on fire. It's been maybe two minutes since the entire thing started and already I've got a huge bruise blossoming across the surface, as well as an abrasion. But I took myself into the kitchen and called Ozzy again. He got about four or five jerky treats and some left over chicken for his valor, and if I'd had steak in the house I'd have given him all of it. Because good god am I awake now.